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Thread: Someone “not ready to date” again

  1. #1
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    Someone “not ready to date” again

    This exact situation seems come up over and over again, so I’m wondering if there is something I can do differently this go around.

    I went out with what seemed like a great woman four times recently. It seemed there there was chemistry, compatibility, and sexual attraction which is rare. However, she did seem standoffish and didn’t initiate anything in terms of communication or planning dates, so I was cautiously optimistic.

    At the end of our date last night, she seem to “come clean” and told me there were many things she like about me but didn’t feel like she was quite ready to be dating again, but she would be open to seeing me again down the road a couple months of I was still single. She reported she had just got out of a one year relationship about a month before we met and thought she was ready.

    I just feel like this pattern of going on a few dates with someone, getting excited, then deflated when I find out they aren’t “ready” to be dating has happened a lot. It always seems to be someone I’m really interested in too. Two questions going forward:

    1. Is it too aggressive to ask someone when was their last break up and how do they feel about it on the first date or perhaps even before the first day if meeting online?

    2. She seemed really sincere about what she said and seemed to feel genuinely bad about the situation. Although she unfortunately has to be moved to the far back burner, do you think it’s possible that I’ll actually ever hear from her again? Should I try to keep in contact with her a bit to see if things do change over time, maybe just hang out as friends?

  2. #2
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    She might be sincere and completely believe that is why. Understand that in 99.9% of cases it means "not ready to date you". I would not keep in contact with her - she needs to get concerned that you will be snapped up by someone else and she won't be at all if you stay in touch -and then you're going to have to hear about her other dates or at least inklings of other dates especially if you're linked on social media.

    Also the common denominator is you -could be you're coming on too strong and the "not ready" just means "overwhelmed".

    I'm sorry this is so frustrating!

  3. #3
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    No, that page has been turned and you keep going. Just one of many steps you will take on the path to finding the right person.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this, sounds par for the course. Yes you could ask about prior relationships. Sometimes it's just an excuse and other words for 'not feeling it". "Not ready to..." is a more "it's me,not you" way of putting things. People are "ready to date" when they get on dating sites and meet someone who they feel attraction to.

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  6. #5
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    Part of the package you were apparently very exited about was "standoffish", didn't initiate anything, and yet you're still hanging on hoping to cling to something turning out grand in the future. That's a batch of bad chemistry right there. And dead weight.

    You can never know what another person is thinking or motives, you have to look at their actions. By date four, she was still acting this way and you were still lapping it up. In other words, you can do better by taking a look at how you pick them and what you're willing to put up with. Hopefully, you learn to put up with less.

    A relationship of equals and equal effort has a better chance of lasting and less chance of a "it's not you, it's me" type of excuse to boot you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    How did you meet this woman? on line?

    I feel many people do not heal and immediately jump on dating sites... that's why it happens so much. Not so much because you are the common denominator.

    You can't know until you date and get to talking a little... I would not ask straight away, unless somehow that opportunity presents itself. unfortunately, it is a disappointment and frustrating....

    But! At least you're dating and meeting people. It could be as others said, not ready, is a variation of its not you, its me

    Never reach out to this lady again. Never have to be told twice that you're not welcome. All that does is feed their ego at your expense. And you will feel stupid and its terrible. trust me!

    Keep on moving! Someone that is available is dying to find you!Chin up!

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    She might be sincere and completely believe that is why. Understand that in 99.9% of cases it means "not ready to date you". I would not keep in contact with her - she needs to get concerned that you will be snapped up by someone else and she won't be at all if you stay in touch -and then you're going to have to hear about her other dates or at least inklings of other dates especially if you're linked on social media.

    Also the common denominator is you -could be you're coming on too strong and the "not ready" just means "overwhelmed".

    I'm sorry this is so frustrating!
    All these scenarios have common elements amongst their behavior.

    I suppose I could be coming on too strong, but how would I really know that?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Whether the person is lying to save feelings or truthful, it's a closed door. No, don't contact her. The ball is in her court. Should you ask about the breakup stuff before or during the first date? No. Really, your mindset on the first date should be of enjoying someone's company--to see if there is chemistry and to find out a little bit at a time about the person as you go on more dates. Yes, it's frustrating to have to get 3 or 4 dates in to have it all fall flat, but that's the time and effort you have to put in in the dating world. Getting into the relationship history is too much seriousness on a first date.

    Think about if you're projecting to the future too much when you have great interest in a woman like this. Even if you don't state that she might be "the one," she will sense this and be scared away. It's nice to be excited about someone, but it's best to have a wait and see attitude.

    It's normal to have to date a boatload of people before finding a keeper. After my divorce, I went on dates with at least 30 men over a period of two and a half years before finding my future husband. Hang in there. I know how tough it is.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think she's not all that interested in you and was trying to let you down nicely. Move on, she knows how to find you if she wants to, down the road.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by James516
    Part of the package you were apparently very exited about was "standoffish", didn't initiate anything, and yet you're still hanging on hoping to cling to something turning out grand in the future. That's a batch of bad chemistry right there. And dead weight.

    You can never know what another person is thinking or motives, you have to look at their actions. By date four, she was still acting this way and you were still lapping it up. In other words, you can do better by taking a look at how you pick them and what you're willing to put up with. Hopefully, you learn to put up with less.

    A relationship of equals and equal effort has a better chance of lasting and less chance of a "it's not you, it's me" type of excuse to boot you.
    I had expressed my concerns about this to my female friend a few days prior. I thought it was maybe me just being cynical, but I definitely had a bad gut feeling based on my experiences with her.

    I definitely wasn’t lapping it up. I expressed concerns directly about some confusing communication before/during the last date.

    My gut feeling was so bad that I continued to peruse dating sites and go out with a couple other ladies, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t cautiously optimistic.

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