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Thread: Someone “not ready to date” again

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are all over the place over thinking things.
    Originally Posted by dmveep
    While I was seeing her, I tried to keep myself grounded/acknowledged the signs of her behavior, go on other dates with other people, and even discussed my concerns about the situation to a female friend.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You can't date "potential ".

    You seem to have a habit of trying to force things instead of realizing standoffish and low interest in communicating are not signs to try harder! They're signs of low interest. Pay attention and if someone is lukewarm let them go instead of continuing to pursue.

    This isn't a football game where you need to "win".

  3. #33
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    However, if I get the impression they have tremendous potential (which I legitimately thought she did), I appear to be more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.
    At least from what you've written, your main criteria for "potential" is someone you find super duper attractive and standoffish. Have a think on that. Also this idea of you be "willing to give them the benefit of the doubt"? I don't think it's doing you any favors, because it's built around the premise that you believe they probably will disappoint you, like the others, and that you are actually pretty unwilling to handle that with much grace.

    I walked past a sushi place in my neighborhood the other day—basic little joint, not so promising, but it's walking distance and I like sushi, so I gave it the "benefit of the doubt" and grabbed a bite. Know what? The sushi was mediocre, service sucked, and my dinner for one set me back $40. Oh well. Didn't feel used or ripped off, and there's a big difference between mediocre sushi and food poisoning. No, people are not restaurants, emotions are real, but still: that is what genuinely giving the benefit of the doubt looks like. It's knowing you'll be a-okay if things don't go exactly how you want or hope. I like sushi and trying random restaurants exactly as much as I did before that meal.

    Granted, I only have your threads here to go on, but the vibe they give off is that you are pretty angry with women (for not always wanting you) while really, really wanting a woman to cure that anger and give your life some meaning and direction (by wanting you). This can create a pressurized energy on a date, no matter how well it's couched in charm or courtesy, because it's simply a weird thing to be around someone you hardly know and get the sense that they will momentarily fall apart if you're not insta-smitten with them.

    It takes a degree of entitlement, after all, to believe that people you don't know should want to be with you more often than not. So in terms of what to do differently? Nothing, really, save find a way to dilute that sense of entitlement. Do you have anything in your life—a hobby, say—that can provide a sense of thrill and adrenaline shot to the ego? Something you can do, on your own, that reminds you that life is not just a-okay but flat-out awesome? Might help. Knowing you can get a hit of that on your own, when needed, will make dating less about boosts and bruises.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I'm not sure if your asking based on my comment. I don't know what you mean that you didn't did anything like that....

    But I think the only thing I would do different, if I felt the person was not showing the same level of interest, I would pull back. Maybe not blow them off, but mirror their interest level.

    That way, it either fades out and I busy with other things. Or given time and space it picks up momentum naturally.

    Do you think you could have been coming on too strong?
    I definitely didn’t come on too strong. I somewhat came to the conclusion above here earlier today. When situations like this occur, you should never put in more effort than you receive back. There is no reason to force the issue.

    Sometimes it’s just confusing. Some women are slow to warm up, some women expect men to take the lead early on, it can be difficult to assess the differences between those and someone who is perhaps emotionally unavailable.

    In the future, I will try to keep things more even and reciprocal.

    How do I help sort out when I need to take the initiative vs. have an even reciprocity?

  5.  

  6. #35
    Platinum Member milly007's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by milly007
    dmveep, curious to know if you're using free dating sites/apps, or are you using a paid dating site to meet these women?
    Still curious to know the answer to this question ^^^.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    At least from what you've written, your main criteria for "potential" is someone you find super duper attractive and standoffish. Have a think on that. Also this idea of you be "willing to give them the benefit of the doubt"? I don't think it's doing you any favors, because it's built around the premise that you believe they probably will disappoint you, like the others, and that you are actually pretty unwilling to handle that with much grace.

    I walked past a sushi place in my neighborhood the other day—basic little joint, not so promising, but it's walking distance and I like sushi, so I gave it the "benefit of the doubt" and grabbed a bite. Know what? The sushi was mediocre, service sucked, and my dinner for one set me back $40. Oh well. Didn't feel used or ripped off, and there's a big difference between mediocre sushi and food poisoning. No, people are not restaurants, emotions are real, but still: that is what genuinely giving the benefit of the doubt looks like. It's knowing you'll be a-okay if things don't go exactly how you want or hope. I like sushi and trying random restaurants exactly as much as I did before that meal.

    Granted, I only have your threads here to go on, but the vibe they give off is that you are pretty angry with women (for not always wanting you) while really, really wanting a woman to cure that anger and give your life some meaning and direction (by wanting you). This can create a pressurized energy on a date, no matter how well it's couched in charm or courtesy, because it's simply a weird thing to be around someone you hardly know and get the sense that they will momentarily fall apart if you're not insta-smitten with them.

    It takes a degree of entitlement, after all, to believe that people you don't know should want to be with you more often than not. So in terms of what to do differently? Nothing, really, save find a way to dilute that sense of entitlement. Do you have anything in your life—a hobby, say—that can provide a sense of thrill and adrenaline shot to the ego? Something you can do, on your own, that reminds you that life is not just a-okay but flat-out awesome? Might help. Knowing you can get a hit of that on your own, when needed, will make dating less about boosts and bruises.
    I’m not angry about this situation, just more disappointed. It’s not easy to keep putting yourself out there and not get the results you want.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by milly007
    Still curious to know the answer to this question ^^^.
    I’ve used both and found no difference between the two.

    I also find meeting people in the wild to be pretty similar these days.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I’m not angry about this situation, just more disappointed. It’s not easy to keep putting yourself out there and not get the results you want.
    I understand. Maybe take a break....

  10. #39
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I definitely didn’t come on too strong. I somewhat came to the conclusion above here earlier today. When situations like this occur, you should never put in more effort than you receive back. There is no reason to force the issue.

    Sometimes it’s just confusing. Some women are slow to warm up, some women expect men to take the lead early on, it can be difficult to assess the differences between those and someone who is perhaps emotionally unavailable.

    In the future, I will try to keep things more even and reciprocal.

    How do I help sort out when I need to take the initiative vs. have an even reciprocity?
    What might be helpful to you when wading through the murky waters of meeting all kinds of people via OLD is turning around the perspective. Rather than getting into the whole all kinds of women are different and how do I figure out what this stranger in front of me wants - a road to madness if you think about it - focus instead on how you want your ideal partner to behave and then drop the rest who don't act that way.

    Figure out who it is you want and focus on that rather than trying to please all sorts. You define what qualities you want to see from the get go and then focus your efforts on women who bring that to the table from the get go. No wasting time and effort investing in potential and what if maybe she will warm up to me three months from now.... Just don't.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are watching way too many dating guru and pickup artist videos and the entire game is turning women off.

    Anyone is 'ready to date' someone they have chemistry and attraction with. It doesn't matter the excuse.

    You are getting dates and something in your behavior on or between dates is putting women off. No one is ready for 1,2,3, etc dates then suddenly 'not ready'.
    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I also find meeting people in the wild to be pretty similar these days.

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