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Thread: Someone “not ready to date” again

  1. #21
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    Feeling inadequate and used is a matter of attitude. You were just two people looking for love who weren’t a match. It’s part of the elimination process and you both recognized it and moved on, which is honest and fair. It’s all part of the process. You know, that old saying about kissing frogs and all that. Be good with you’re at going into it and you won’t feel deflated when you don’t match with someone, which is always more likely than not. You’re just one step closer to finding what you want.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I did meet her online, just annoying when someone advertises they are seeking a relationship then drop this total lack of self awareness on you.

    I appreciate the kind and positive words. Really made me feel better. Thanks!
    I believe most of them truly believe they are seeking a relationship. I believe the vast majority of the time women who meet men through on line especially or in some other "stranger" situation want to let the other person down gently to avoid future issues and this is one of the typical "it's not me it's you"

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The common denominator is you. Something attracts you to women who are not really available. Even if your gut is now tuned up enough to be ringing full alarms, as you say yourself, you kept pushing on hoping. This is something you might want to fix and think about. What attracts you to cold and aloof or otherwise emotionally unavailable women. You seem drawn to that unequal exchange like a moth to a flame.

    Asking questions like how long since their last relationship won't fix this problem because some people may be out a week and ready to date and others might be out 5 years and still not ready. It's highly individual and will never really solve anything for you. The real problem is that when you sense that emotional unavailability it triggers you to chase and makes your heart beat faster - that's an internal issue you need to work out. Once you do that, you'll find that most of your dates are actually warm and ready to date instead of being unavailable.

    It's not that you won't come across women who are unavailable, it's just that you'll sense it and bail out so fast, it won't even hit your radar that they are out there. You'll focus instead on women who are available. Right now, the unavailable stand out because those are the ones that make your heart beat faster, that you are attracted to, that are prominent on your radar, the ones that stand out to you from the herd.
    In all these situations, I get a gut feeling that something seems a little off, but I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I was quite concerned about it a few days ago, even had a female friend read over our text thread. My friend didn’t seem concerned about it, so I tired to just go with the flow. However, looking back, there are key commonalities to all these.

    1. Closed body language during interactions
    2. Subtle but significant hesitance for any significant physical touch/kissing and a resistance to push things further
    3. A lack of initiative in texting/planning dates, despite often being quick to respond or going along with any date suggestions
    4. Not prioritizing dates/spreading them out pretty far
    5. Mentioning an ex in almost any capacity during the first few dates, even if subtle

    These things can often be confused with a degree of shyness or someone who is slow to warm up. However, I’ve had a shy gf and she didn’t display these behaviors.

    In the future, I’ll try not to put in anything more than I receive.

    Regarding feeling inadequate, it feels really bad being the rebound person. It’s like you’re good enough to make them still feel desired but not good enough to be with.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    "Regarding feeling inadequate, it feels really bad being the rebound person. It’s like you’re good enough to make them still feel desired but not good enough to be with. "

    But it's not about you personally. Any other man she tried to get over her ex with most likely would have had the same result.

    She wants her ex. There's no way it's about you.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member milly007's Avatar
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    dmveep, curious to know if you're using free dating sites/apps, or are you using a paid dating site to meet these women?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Make sure you are not still suggesting dates at your place very early on. "not ready" has many interpretations, but frequently asking them to come to your place by the 3rd/4th date can get the "not ready" response.
    Originally Posted by dmveep
    T It seemed there there was chemistry, compatibility, and sexual attraction which is rare.
    At the end of our date last night, she seem to “come clean” and told me there were many things she like about me but didn’t feel like she was quite ready to be dating again.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=dmveep;7201736]In all these situations, I get a gut feeling that something seems a little off, but I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
    QUOTE]

    You called it yourself. Don't give people you don't know the benefit of the doubt.

    If you feel its "off" pull back. If they start to pursue you, call them out and ask for an explanation.

    If they cant or won't answer, make you feel dumb for asking- well then there is the answer and there is no doubt.

  9. #28
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    I did not do anything like that.

    I did ask for further clarification. She she told me in a fairly detailed manner all the things she liked about my personality and even physical appearance. She said there was no reason she wouldn’t continue seeing me other than she just wasn’t ready for it. In a way, that kind of made things even more disappointing.

    Maybe this situation is only possible for me to experience with someone I am really attracted to? I think if someone is just meh or even an above average date potential, I would just have blown them off before even getting to the fourth date. However, if I get the impression they have tremendous potential(which I legitimately thought she did), I appear to be more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

    While I was seeing her, I tried to keep myself grounded/acknowledged the signs of her behavior, go on other dates with other people, and even discussed my concerns about the situation to a female friend. What should I realistically have done different?

  10. #29
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    There will always be plenty of people who are fresh out of breakups, and lots of those will jump right back into dating soup. So it's up to each of us to look out for ourselves and never rely on anyone else to self-assess their stability. Otherwise, you position yourself as a rebound, and regardless of how well things start out, your chances of getting The Talk, seemingly out of nowhere, are high and sound something like, "You are a wonderful person, but I really should have taken the time to be on my own and find myself..." Skip that.

    1. Is it too aggressive to ask someone when was their last break up and how do they feel about it on the first date or perhaps even before the first day if meeting online?
    No, the whole point of using a dating app is to screen OUT bad matches, so ask away. Anyone who doesn't want to answer such a question screens themselves out FOR you.

    Also, skip setting up full dates from the app. Set up a bunch of 'quick meets' for coffee on your way home from work. Each agrees to 20 to 30 minutes to check one another out, neither can corner the other on the spot for a real date, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary.

    Most people are NOT our match, so this takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table, and you're less likely to hear excuses after investing in a full date. Once you can grasp that most people are NOT our match, you'll ask important questions and use more discretion in spotting red flags to screen out bad matches--instead of trying to attract them.

    2. She seemed really sincere about what she said and seemed to feel genuinely bad about the situation. Although she unfortunately has to be moved to the far back burner, do you think it’s possible that I’ll actually ever hear from her again? Should I try to keep in contact with her a bit to see if things do change over time, maybe just hang out as friends?
    Naaah, don't bother. If she was sincere, she knows how to reach you. If not, you'll never date her no matter what you do. Either way, the choice is out of your hands, so why hover when you can reinvest your focus in setting up quick meets with new people?

    Head high. There will be far more bad matches than good ones. It's a needle in the haystack thing. Hold out for someone who views you through the right lens to appreciate your unique value. Tap dance for no one. Flush out bad matches and allow them to pass early. Hold out for true simpatico with someone who 'gets you', and you'll thank yourself later.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I did not do anything like that.

    I did ask for further clarification. She she told me in a fairly detailed manner all the things she liked about my personality and even physical appearance. She said there was no reason she wouldn’t continue seeing me other than she just wasn’t ready for it. In a way, that kind of made things even more disappointing.

    Maybe this situation is only possible for me to experience with someone I am really attracted to? I think if someone is just meh or even an above average date potential, I would just have blown them off before even getting to the fourth date. However, if I get the impression they have tremendous potential(which I legitimately thought she did), I appear to be more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

    While I was seeing her, I tried to keep myself grounded/acknowledged the signs of her behavior, go on other dates with other people, and even discussed my concerns about the situation to a female friend. What should I realistically have done different?
    I'm not sure if your asking based on my comment. I don't know what you mean that you didn't did anything like that....

    But I think the only thing I would do different, if I felt the person was not showing the same level of interest, I would pull back. Maybe not blow them off, but mirror their interest level.

    That way, it either fades out and I busy with other things. Or given time and space it picks up momentum naturally.

    Do you think you could have been coming on too strong?

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