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Thread: Highly emotional after Valentines Day

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    Gold Member TulipWriter's Avatar
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    Highly emotional after Valentines Day

    My guy friend Christian and I met up on Valentines Day as friends, and then again a week later. I guess Cupid was visiting us on his holiday, because I couldn't stop thinking about him after his first visit. On his second visit I told him that, and that I had genuine feelings for him. (He's matured into a loving, sensitive 33-year old man. When I knew him in college and even 7 years ago he wasn't like that at all. He truly has become the kind of man I want to be with, and I'm not just saying that.)

    Long story short: He agreed to be a couple before he left on that second visit. I even made it Facebook official. However, when I went to visit him at his place he told me he'd rather take it slowly; that he'd rather go on a few dates for a few months. (Also save up some money as he just paid off his student loans; no joke, he said he paid $38,000 in one transaction.) If the dates go well after a few months, then we'll be a couple.

    Naturally, I didn't agree with that idea. I told him, "We get along fine, we don't need to wait a few months to know it." At one point I flat-out told him, "Forget it." But he wouldn't; he said he still had feelings for me. He just wanted to wait a little while to get some things sorted out.

    One thing that is also bothering me is that I have a little crush on an 80s actor who kind of looks like him. (Ok ok, I know this next part might sound silly.) I watched two movies of the actor today and it made me feel sad. Furthermore, his very first movie makes me feel super-nostalgic; the way the movie is filmed just has that "feeling" to it, you know? (Plus the actor is super-young in the movie and gorgeous, to say the least.) It makes me long to have that puppy-love we all enjoy. (The actor obviously doesn't look that way anymore. He still makes movies and he has written a few novels.) Interestingly, this is not the first time I have struggled with dealing with this kind of disappointment/nostalgia.

    I get my menses next week, so I highly suspect PMS is contributing to this situation. (One time I started crying over an episode of My Little Pony due to my PMS. Weird, I know, lol.)

    Some advice I got awhile back when I was obsessed with this one movie I couldn't stop thinking about: "Relax your mind, focus on something else." I've been trying that and surprisingly, it's not bad advice. BUT I still find myself floating back to the nostalgia/longing/sadness.

    Any and all advice/feedback welcome. Thanks for reading and responding, I appreciate it. <3

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Why was he not allowed to take it slow ?

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    Gold Member TulipWriter's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Why was he not allowed to take it slow ?
    I don't see a reason to. We've already been on dates, have feelings for each other, and seem very compatible. (I mean, what difference would it make if we go on more dates and decide to be a couple after two months, vs. just being a couple already knowing that we are compatible?) Did I mention we've slept together before? lol

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    But people have a right to go slow if they want. Maybe he didn’t have the same sentiment of feeling that you did at the time. Some people are slower at being certain.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TulipWriter
    It makes me long to have that puppy-love we all enjoy.
    This strikes me as a very relevant sentence.

    You two have known each other for a bit, I get it, but declaring him "the kind of man I want to be with" after a gauzy day and a half and then celebrating that with Facebook officialdom? Well, that's kind of puppy stuff, no? Why skip over one of the most exciting stages of romance—dating—in order to be an insta-couple? Subtract your fantasies, and you actually have no idea if you two are compatible romantically.

    Christian, as you logically know, has absolutely nothing to do with that actor or those movies. He's just a dude, not a projection screen on which to direct your fantasies of love or revel in feelings of nostalgia. Sure, there's always a pretty strong dose of intoxicants when we're first excited about someone, but I think we know if it's real if those feelings expand in time, in actually getting to know someone and see how you plus him work in reality, as opposed to just your imagination.

    So, if possible, I'd try to avoid future dramatics—the "forget it!" stuff—and just give this a chance. If he turns out to be what you think he is—the kind of man you want to be with—what's the harm in giving it a few months to feel things out?

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    Gold Member TulipWriter's Avatar
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    I'll explain more: Christian and I were friends-with-benefits in 2012 for a few months. We had sex without the relationship. We then parted ways and did our own thing for awhile. We met up a few times with friends in 2017; even then I was observing how mature he had become. (He is NOT the same guy I was friends with in 2012 or in college.)

    In fact, when he came to visit for Valentines Day we were planning on having sex again without the commitment. Obviously, that didn't happen. I felt a much deeper attraction to the new Christian. (A better one, to say the least.) On his second visit, we tried to have sex but I was paranoid about getting caught and the condom burned, so he wasn't in me very long, lol.

    When I drove to his place after we agreed to be a couple, we had sex. But then of course, he admitted he did it with me because he was vulnerable. And then said he wanted to take things slowly. I drove home that night. Then last night we discussed more and I told him at one point to "forget it" but he wouldn't; said he still has feelings for me.

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    Gold Member TulipWriter's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Christian, as you logically know, has absolutely nothing to do with that actor or those movies. He's just a dude, not a projection screen on which to direct your fantasies of love or revel in feelings of nostalgia.
    I know...the nostalgia when I watch the actor in those movies makes me sad, as I know he is a completely different man now. (Strangely I've experienced this kind of disappointment before. As I mentioned, perhaps it's the PMS that is playing into how I'm feeling.) Just heartbreaking knowing that gorgeous actor looks nothing like that now, and that I can't meet or have him. (But I have Christian, who reminds me of the actor, which may be why I feel this sorrow.)

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    So, if possible, I'd try to avoid future dramatics—the "forget it!" stuff—and just give this a chance. If he turns out to be what you think he is—the kind of man you want to be with—what's the harm in giving it a few months to feel things out?
    It doesn't seem to make much sense in waiting a few months when it's pretty obvious we have a love now.

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    Gold Member TulipWriter's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    So, if possible, I'd try to avoid future dramatics—the "forget it!" stuff—
    Should I apologize for saying that?

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    A couple of things. It’s not caring or a good strategy to pressure someone to do something with you the person doesn’t wish to do for whatever reason. And if you convinced him you wouldn’t know if his heart was really in it. You want someone to be enthusiastic about being with you. Don’t you ?

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Forgive me if this comes across as blunt, but the impression I am getting is that you are very thirsty—like wandering-the-desert thirsty—for romance. Christian, I suspect, is a bit wary of being a thirst quencher, or even being idealized as the "new" Christian, especially if he is as mature and sensitive as you're saying. Most people just want to be who they are, not an idea in someone's head or character in a romance novel they're writing.

    Think it's possible to take a few deep breaths and tone down the thirst a bit? You will, I suspect, thank yourself later. That way you guys can do, in 2020, what you didn't have the maturity to do in 2012, which is explore a romantic connection with some intention instead of playing hide-the-salami in the gray zone. What, exactly, will it be? Where, exactly, will it go? Time will answer those questions, not the screenwriter of your beating heart.

    I'm sorry, but it is a bit self-absorbed and disrespectful to say that it's "pretty obvious we have love now." That is your story, not his. Romance, and relationships, are a story written by two people. If you can't listen to what he is saying to you right now—well, that does not bode well for an ending worthy of John Hughes.

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