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Highly emotional after Valentines Day


midnightdeirdre

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My guy friend Christian and I met up on Valentines Day as friends, and then again a week later. I guess Cupid was visiting us on his holiday, because I couldn't stop thinking about him after his first visit. On his second visit I told him that, and that I had genuine feelings for him. (He's matured into a loving, sensitive 33-year old man. When I knew him in college and even 7 years ago he wasn't like that at all. He truly has become the kind of man I want to be with, and I'm not just saying that.)

 

Long story short: He agreed to be a couple before he left on that second visit. I even made it Facebook official. However, when I went to visit him at his place he told me he'd rather take it slowly; that he'd rather go on a few dates for a few months. (Also save up some money as he just paid off his student loans; no joke, he said he paid $38,000 in one transaction.) If the dates go well after a few months, then we'll be a couple.

 

Naturally, I didn't agree with that idea. I told him, "We get along fine, we don't need to wait a few months to know it." At one point I flat-out told him, "Forget it." But he wouldn't; he said he still had feelings for me. He just wanted to wait a little while to get some things sorted out.

 

One thing that is also bothering me is that I have a little crush on an 80s actor who kind of looks like him. (Ok ok, I know this next part might sound silly.) I watched two movies of the actor today and it made me feel sad. Furthermore, his very first movie makes me feel super-nostalgic; the way the movie is filmed just has that "feeling" to it, you know? (Plus the actor is super-young in the movie and gorgeous, to say the least.) It makes me long to have that puppy-love we all enjoy. (The actor obviously doesn't look that way anymore. He still makes movies and he has written a few novels.) Interestingly, this is not the first time I have struggled with dealing with this kind of disappointment/nostalgia.

 

I get my menses next week, so I highly suspect PMS is contributing to this situation. (One time I started crying over an episode of My Little Pony due to my PMS. Weird, I know, lol.)

 

Some advice I got awhile back when I was obsessed with this one movie I couldn't stop thinking about: "Relax your mind, focus on something else." I've been trying that and surprisingly, it's not bad advice. BUT I still find myself floating back to the nostalgia/longing/sadness.

 

Any and all advice/feedback welcome. Thanks for reading and responding, I appreciate it.

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Why was he not allowed to take it slow ?

I don't see a reason to. We've already been on dates, have feelings for each other, and seem very compatible. (I mean, what difference would it make if we go on more dates and decide to be a couple after two months, vs. just being a couple already knowing that we are compatible?) Did I mention we've slept together before? lol

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It makes me long to have that puppy-love we all enjoy.

 

This strikes me as a very relevant sentence.

 

You two have known each other for a bit, I get it, but declaring him "the kind of man I want to be with" after a gauzy day and a half and then celebrating that with Facebook officialdom? Well, that's kind of puppy stuff, no? Why skip over one of the most exciting stages of romance—dating—in order to be an insta-couple? Subtract your fantasies, and you actually have no idea if you two are compatible romantically.

 

Christian, as you logically know, has absolutely nothing to do with that actor or those movies. He's just a dude, not a projection screen on which to direct your fantasies of love or revel in feelings of nostalgia. Sure, there's always a pretty strong dose of intoxicants when we're first excited about someone, but I think we know if it's real if those feelings expand in time, in actually getting to know someone and see how you plus him work in reality, as opposed to just your imagination.

 

So, if possible, I'd try to avoid future dramatics—the "forget it!" stuff—and just give this a chance. If he turns out to be what you think he is—the kind of man you want to be with—what's the harm in giving it a few months to feel things out?

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I'll explain more: Christian and I were friends-with-benefits in 2012 for a few months. We had sex without the relationship. We then parted ways and did our own thing for awhile. We met up a few times with friends in 2017; even then I was observing how mature he had become. (He is NOT the same guy I was friends with in 2012 or in college.)

 

In fact, when he came to visit for Valentines Day we were planning on having sex again without the commitment. Obviously, that didn't happen. I felt a much deeper attraction to the new Christian. (A better one, to say the least.) On his second visit, we tried to have sex but I was paranoid about getting caught and the condom burned, so he wasn't in me very long, lol.

 

When I drove to his place after we agreed to be a couple, we had sex. But then of course, he admitted he did it with me because he was vulnerable. And then said he wanted to take things slowly. I drove home that night. Then last night we discussed more and I told him at one point to "forget it" but he wouldn't; said he still has feelings for me.

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Christian, as you logically know, has absolutely nothing to do with that actor or those movies. He's just a dude, not a projection screen on which to direct your fantasies of love or revel in feelings of nostalgia.

I know...the nostalgia when I watch the actor in those movies makes me sad, as I know he is a completely different man now. (Strangely I've experienced this kind of disappointment before. As I mentioned, perhaps it's the PMS that is playing into how I'm feeling.) Just heartbreaking knowing that gorgeous actor looks nothing like that now, and that I can't meet or have him. (But I have Christian, who reminds me of the actor, which may be why I feel this sorrow.)

 

So, if possible, I'd try to avoid future dramatics—the "forget it!" stuff—and just give this a chance. If he turns out to be what you think he is—the kind of man you want to be with—what's the harm in giving it a few months to feel things out?

It doesn't seem to make much sense in waiting a few months when it's pretty obvious we have a love now.

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A couple of things. It’s not caring or a good strategy to pressure someone to do something with you the person doesn’t wish to do for whatever reason. And if you convinced him you wouldn’t know if his heart was really in it. You want someone to be enthusiastic about being with you. Don’t you ?

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Forgive me if this comes across as blunt, but the impression I am getting is that you are very thirsty—like wandering-the-desert thirsty—for romance. Christian, I suspect, is a bit wary of being a thirst quencher, or even being idealized as the "new" Christian, especially if he is as mature and sensitive as you're saying. Most people just want to be who they are, not an idea in someone's head or character in a romance novel they're writing.

 

Think it's possible to take a few deep breaths and tone down the thirst a bit? You will, I suspect, thank yourself later. That way you guys can do, in 2020, what you didn't have the maturity to do in 2012, which is explore a romantic connection with some intention instead of playing hide-the-salami in the gray zone. What, exactly, will it be? Where, exactly, will it go? Time will answer those questions, not the screenwriter of your beating heart.

 

I'm sorry, but it is a bit self-absorbed and disrespectful to say that it's "pretty obvious we have love now." That is your story, not his. Romance, and relationships, are a story written by two people. If you can't listen to what he is saying to you right now—well, that does not bode well for an ending worthy of John Hughes.

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I'd avoid those movies, especially near/during your period lol.

I have a playlist of cute videos and the like to watch during that time. I watch animal videos, reunion videos, old ads ( still cry every time at a Folgers ad, so yeah, totally get that anything even my little pony can make you tear up).

Basically, give yourself an outlet for the emotion that you know isn't going to feed into a path you'd rather not go down.

 

As for Christian, I agree with everyone else and think they have that covered!

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Forgive me if this comes across as blunt, but the impression I am getting is that you are very thirsty—like wandering-the-desert thirsty—for romance.

You're right. I mean, we just clicked so well on Valentines Day, and he's honestly become the kind of guy I've always dreamed of having: handsome, sensitive, mature. (How could I not stop thinking about the new Christian??)

 

Think it's possible to take a few deep breaths and tone down the thirst a bit? You will, I suspect, thank yourself later.

It won't be easy, that's for sure. Christian also said that maybe I would thank him down the road.

 

That way you guys can do, in 2020, what you didn't have the maturity to do in 2012, which is explore a romantic connection with some intention instead of playing hide-the-salami in the gray zone. What, exactly, will it be? Where, exactly, will it go? Time will answer those questions, not the screenwriter of your beating heart.

When he visited the second time I told him I couldn't stop thinking about him since his visit and he said the same to me.

 

I'm sorry, but it is a bit self-absorbed and disrespectful to say that it's "pretty obvious we have love now." That is your story, not his.

He agreed to be my boyfriend and told me he loved me. How is it self-absorbed of ME to say that our love is obvious? (He did say he said those things on a whim, spur-of-the-moment.)

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I'd avoid those movies, especially near/during your period lol.

I have a playlist of cute videos and the like to watch during that time. I watch animal videos, reunion videos, old ads ( still cry every time at a Folgers ad, so yeah, totally get that anything even my little pony can make you tear up).

Basically, give yourself an outlet for the emotion that you know isn't going to feed into a path you'd rather not go down.

I have found that watching scary movies with a strong female protagonist takes my mind off the sad-nostalgia-issue I have instantly. :D No complaints there, lol.

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A couple of things. It’s not caring or a good strategy to pressure someone to do something with you the person doesn’t wish to do for whatever reason. And if you convinced him you wouldn’t know if his heart was really in it. You want someone to be enthusiastic about being with you. Don’t you ?

It seemed his heart was in it, though. As I've said, he said he has feelings for me.

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With all due respect, you are perceived as controlling and wanting to call all the shots.

 

If you wish to keep Christian in your life, yes, you should sincerely apologize for impulsively saying, "Forget it." Never give ultimatums otherwise the other person will call your bluff and you'll live to regret it. :upset:

 

Separate your movie watching from real life. Christian will age and grow old just like the actor and everyone else. Actors are just acting and then the director says, "Cut!" Be realistic.

 

Puppy love is short term infatuation and when boredom sets in breakup occurs. If you want enduring love, take it slow and don't rush nor be in a hurry.

 

If Christian wishes to take it slow, take him up on his offer and take it slow otherwise the deal is off the table.

 

Christian is wise for taking it slow. He's remaining cautious with you for good reason. The vibe everyone is getting including Christian is that you're very flighty and insecure which is enough to scare anyone away! :eek:

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If you wish to keep Christian in your life, yes, you should sincerely apologize for impulsively saying, "Forget it."

I did. He and I agreed we both got excited after seeing other after awhile.

 

Separate your movie watching from real life. Christian will age and grow old just like the actor and everyone else. Actors are just acting and then the director say, "Cut!" Be realistic.

Omg I can’t thank you enough for saying this!! Whew, this made me feel soooo much better! #BigHug

 

The vibe everyone is getting including Christian is that you're very flighty and insecure which is enough to scare anyone away! :eek:

I wouldn’t say I’m insecure. As I said, he and I both got ahead of ourselves, he just realized it before I did.

 

What do u mean by flighty?

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I wouldn’t say desperate. I just got ahead of myself.

 

I agree with the desperate description.

Not only that but I would have assumed you were a teenager relaying a first crush! You have all these feelings wrapped up with Hollywood stars & movie plots.

Take a breath and chill. He sounds like a lovely man who will run for the hills of you keep pushing him for committal.

Being a FB couple means nothing in the real world

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I just took a little spin through an older thread of yours about movies—or, specifically, about your struggles with differentiating between fantasy and reality. I get that that was six years ago, but I can't help but feel some of those synapses are firing right now in ways that are making it hard to see straight.

 

Let's try to write down the actual story, shall we, without the sparkles?

 

Eleven days ago, on Valentine's Day, Chirstian came over to hang and hookup, but there was a sweet little click between you two. You ran with that pretty hard, he kind of ran with it, for a moment, before slowing way down. He explained that he didn't want to be your boyfriend, that he said the big things "on a whim," and that what he'd like is to just go on some dates and see what's what.

 

That is real life, yours, as it exists. Not the movie in your mind.

 

Clicks are fun, delicious, and sometimes, very rarely, the beginnings of relationships. Is this one such click? The only way to know is to accept that you have no idea and no control. None! That is the part that makes it better than the movies, since, c'mon, we always know how the movie is going to end. Also, in case you need a reminder: those people in movies are just very pretty people who are saying pretty words written by people who are not pretty enough to be on screens.

 

And the other only way to find out? It's to respect what Christian is telling you more than what you want to hear, and then be honest—with yourself, so you can be honest with him—about whether or not you've got it in you to ease off the throttle.

 

Christian, along with you and Christian—right now both those things are approximately 90 percent generated by your imagination, and 10 percent in reality. Dating is about letting in more reality, with the hope that it is better, and bigger, than what the imagination can produce. If that's the case a few months from now, terrific. If it's not the case? Well, equally terrific. Means Christian, great as he is, is not great for you.

 

Christian, it seems, is genuinely curious to see about all that. Are you?

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I did. He and I agreed we both got excited after seeing other after awhile.

 

 

Omg I can’t thank you enough for saying this!! Whew, this made me feel soooo much better! #BigHug

 

 

I wouldn’t say I’m insecure. As I said, he and I both got ahead of ourselves, he just realized it before I did.

 

What do u mean by flighty?

 

Good that you sincerely apologized for impulsively saying, "Forget it." I'm glad. :smug:

 

You're welcome. Yeah, play acting is just in front of the camera and yes, everyone ages and grows old including Christian, you and everyone on the face of this planet. :upset:

 

Well, yes, you come off as insecure when you initially told him, "Forget it" and then regretted it later. Flighty meaning changing your mind. First you declined his offer to slow down, then told him to "Forget it," then had misgivings after you had time to stew over it. Think before you speak and write to Christian and he will be more receptive to develop a meaningful, hopefully long term relationship with you.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds very one-sided. It seems he wants a casual thing and you already "made it official on FB". Try not to get hurt when he pushes back even further. Is there a reason you need to 'make it official' on social media even though he's not on board with it?

I even made it Facebook official.

he told me he'd rather take it slowly I didn't agree with that idea.

I told him, "We get along fine, we don't need to wait a few months to know it."

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With all due respect, you are perceived as controlling and wanting to call all the shots.

 

If you wish to keep Christian in your life, yes, you should sincerely apologize for impulsively saying, "Forget it." Never give ultimatums otherwise the other person will call your bluff and you'll live to regret it. :upset:

 

Separate your movie watching from real life. Christian will age and grow old just like the actor and everyone else. Actors are just acting and then the director says, "Cut!" Be realistic.

 

Puppy love is short term infatuation and when boredom sets in breakup occurs. If you want enduring love, take it slow and don't rush nor be in a hurry.

 

If Christian wishes to take it slow, take him up on his offer and take it slow otherwise the deal is off the table.

 

Christian is wise for taking it slow. He's remaining cautious with you for good reason. The vibe everyone is getting including Christian is that you're very flighty and insecure which is enough to scare anyone away! :eek:

 

Sorry to hear this. It sounds very one-sided. It seems he wants a casual thing and you already "made it official on FB". Try not to get hurt when he pushes back even further. Is there a reason you need to 'make it official' on social media even though he's not on board with it?

As I said, he agreed to be my boyfriend when he visited that second time. So I went on Facebook and made it official, it seemed like the right thing to do since he agreed.

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