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Thread: Do I chase or forget about it?

  1. #1
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    Do I chase or forget about it?

    1st I need to start by saying I am in a relationship for 10+ years and with the person below nothing sexual ever happened

    I became friendly with a girl at work as she broke up with her 2nd husband. She has two kids 16 and 13. First, I helped her out setting up a new phone then ended up given her my surround sound system I didnít need. Anyway we became friendly and ended up hanging out 2/3 times a week.

    Something happened at work with this employee and they no longer works for the company but I still do.
    We didnít see each other for 2-3 months due to what happened at work but when we caught up again was like before we would hang out/drink/exercise/go out for food/take dogs for a walk etc. Sometimes the kids would be there sometimes not.

    Anyway the more time we spent together the more we found out how similar we were. One night she asked where does my girlfriend think I am when I with her? I said I donít want to talk about her. I then asked her if you know I have a girlfriend why do you ask me around? She said because I like your company. I said well I like yours as well and I think you know as well as I that there is something between us. We had a quick conversation and we both said nothing can happen while im with someone and that was that but both said we need to talk about it again when its not late in the morning.

    Anyway kept hanging out, her kids even told her repeated times that we should go out but nothing ever happened. One week I got 5 messages from her asking if I was free to hang out. I also got a car for her daughter I busted my ass on it getting it ready for her XMAS Present. I always went out my way to help her and the kids by buying stuff like dinner, flowers when she was down etc etc.

    I was invited to her daughters 16th family dinner but declined as all her family was going to be there and I didnít feel comfortable.

    Now after Christmas (I had to go over her house xmas night as the kids wanted to see me) things seems to change. She didnít contact me as much and most for the time I needed to contact her. She then proceeded to tell me that she had met someone a few months ago but it wasnít working out he was too much like her ex and already bossing the kids around and told me she was going to end it. So I was going to go all in and tell he I like her and I want to start something with her.
    Anyway I find out she hasnít broke up with him and he was around her house for her 40th Birthday and posted one facebook how much he loves and she liked the picture. I then see hes posting her stuff for sale on facebook for her. Funny thing is this guy looks and is similar to her 1st husband. As others have told me she went with something that feels similar as before. She told me she wouldnít date older guys but hes 8 years older. Again her previous marriages both men were older. I think she has some kind of issue.

    Once I found this out, I was done I didnít want to see or hear from her again, so I deleted her number off my phone. I got a text from her the other day after two weeks of nothing asking how I was.

    Now im not sure what to do? The only reason I need to have contact with her is to get the car I gave her daughter transferred into her name. But then there is a part of me that still likes her but then I think did she just use me all this time?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Um. She used you all this time? What?

    You have had a gf all this time, right? Your friend - you never asked her out nor made any other effort to be available to her as a boyfriend. Is it fair to say you have been having an emotional affair with this woman, while keeping your gf on the side?

    So -- she has figured out that you are not available, and is moving on. Good for her. You will need to do the same.

    And, regardless of what you'd like to do, it is time to end your relationship with your gf. Your ability to sustain an interest in someone else indicates that you are not well matched with your gf. Get single and stay that way for a while.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Um. She used you all this time? What?

    You have had a gf all this time, right? Your friend - you never asked her out nor made any other effort to be available to her as a boyfriend. Is it fair to say you have been having an emotional affair with this woman, while keeping your gf on the side?

    So -- she has figured out that you are not available, and is moving on. Good for her. You will need to do the same.

    And, regardless of what you'd like to do, it is time to end your relationship with your gf. Your ability to sustain an interest in someone else indicates that you are not well matched with your gf. Get single and stay that way for a while.

    Never thought about it like that but yes you are correct i did. I told her once/twice i like her but she said oh you dont want to be with me i have kids, married twice blah blah

    She may have moved on but i know it wont last

    Yes i know i need to but its a hard thing to do.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    So your gf was ok with you spending so much time away from home?

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    I would say i was out with friends

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lowndes8
    I would say i was out with friends
    So you lied.

    Why not end your relationship? It's a sham.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lowndes8
    Never thought about it like that but yes you are correct i did. I told her once/twice i like her but she said oh you dont want to be with me i have kids, married twice blah blah

    She may have moved on but i know it wont last

    Yes i know i need to but its a hard thing to do.
    What purpose did she serve for you? If you were as smitten as you think, you'd have gotten yourself free and asked her out. You didn't.

    Are you choosing situations that can't ever develop into more serious relationships? The friend keeps you a bit aloof from the gf. The gf keeps you a bit distant from the friend.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    What purpose did she serve for you? If you were as smitten as you think, you'd have gotten yourself free and asked her out. You didn't.

    Are you choosing situations that can't ever develop into more serious relationships? The friend keeps you a bit aloof from the gf. The gf keeps you a bit distant from the friend.
    I know i should of gotten free but i was too scared to break up with my girlfriend as i dont want to hurt her

    I dont know what situations im choosing all i know is if i was single i would of gone after the friend but now i fee
    l i have blown that opportunity

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Do you think cheating on your girlfriend is less hurtful to her?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by lowndes8
    The only reason I need to have contact with her is to get the car I gave her daughter transferred into her name. But then there is a part of me that still likes her but then I think did she just use me all this time?
    You cannot be serious with this.

    Wake up, man. She doesn't take you seriously because you're having an emotional affair and she likely won't risk having a relationship with you in light of this. She knows you lack a moral compass and don't treat your partners well. She knows you are not honest and not trustworthy.

    So sure, she'll take what she can get from you - but an actual relationship? Keep dreaming.

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