Its been a long saga, but its finally on its way to being over

We were together 12y, married 3, and have a 8 month old.

Anywho its been a heck of a saga, but she showed her hand and it was the last straw. Last tuesday I officially had filed for divorce, and im now going through the process.

I wont waste time talking about her more, but am trying to figure out my path forward after this 12y saga.

What sort of steps should I guy like myself do to re-invent, and re-think who i am going forward and maybe at some point get lucky and meet someone new.

Im looking for thoughts and ideas. Thanks

We were together 12y, married 3, and have a 8 month old.

 

Anywho its been a heck of a saga, but she showed her hand and it was the last straw. Last tuesday I officially had filed for divorce, and im now going through the process.

 

I wont waste time talking about her more, but am trying to figure out my path forward after this 12y saga.

 

What sort of steps should I guy like myself do to re-invent, and re-think who i am going forward and maybe at some point get lucky and meet someone new.

 

Im looking for thoughts and ideas. Thanks

My thought is to put those things on hold and act in the best interests of your child. When I was home full time it was more than a full time job. Don't try to "re-invent" - be there for your child, take care of yourself mentally/emotionally/health-wise with your first priority being your child.

What sort of steps should I guy like myself do to re-invent, and re-think who i am going forward and maybe at some point get lucky and meet someone new.

Contradictory as it may seem... to re-invent and re-think you must first take time to re-flect on who you want to become. What kind of colleague/dad/friend/sibling/son/partner do you want to be?

This means slowing down, allowing yourself time to experience your feelings and to process everything that happened. This may also mean seeing a therapist, life coach, someone that can help you figure out how to become the person you want to be.

To do this successfully you need to do this on your own without the distraction of another relationship.

For now, focus on having a civil co-parenting relationship with your ex... this will be enough work in and of itself.

What sort of steps should I guy like myself do to re-invent, and re-think who i am going forward and maybe at some point get lucky and meet someone new.

 

Im looking for thoughts and ideas. Thanks

I think that right now, you shouldn't worry about meeting someone new. This is a good time to learn how your life will be as a divorced man with an 8 month old. Get into your new routine and let it play out for a while. THEN you can think about meeting a new person. But get yourself in a good place first.

Great points everyone - appreciate the replies. Yes, my 8 month old is obviously my first priority. Second priority is working on myself and introspection of all that has happened. Only then will it be to meet someone new (perhaps)

Great points everyone - appreciate the replies. Yes, my 8 month old is obviously my first priority. Second priority is working on myself and introspection of all that has happened. Only then will it be to meet someone new (perhaps)

Yes and all I'm saying is from my experience of being a parent of an 8 month old -a married parent with an involved father -most of second priorities become very distant priorities and since you are divorced it's even more important to give your child stability and consistency. Also depends on what your working on yourself entails. I work on myself daily in very specific ways.

Just an update to this thread - divorce is still going on, its like a set of waves going up and down.

Im hoping this divorce is over soon. I want to get back to focusing solely on my son and myself, without the constant distractions from her pitbull lawyer, whos failed her so far.

For those going through a nasty divorce like me, I've found on the past year that following as close to gray rock method as possible when encountering your ex. Only speak, if you need to, and if possible via email.

Cheers to a better year in 2021 for me, and for all!

6 hours ago, a_lifters_life said:

I've found on the past year that following as close to gray rock method as possible when encountering your ex. Only speak, if you need to, and if possible via email.

 

Cheers to a better year in 2021 for me, and for all!

Great advice. Best in 2021.

I primarily made sure my kids are taken cared of, feeling the love between both parents, and did my utmost best to be the single provider and a mother at the same time. It was like putting my life on hold so my kids get adjusted to the new. 

After a couple of years, pursued my M.A. in an attempt to improve economics for me and my kids. A good 11 years after, re-married.  I was around my family a lot, which aided me in making short term decisions. What you want to do as a person will get to you as you thread along. 

My kids are both grown ups now, and here I am, re-planning what to do on the long term but with a sense of peace that they grew up to be great invidividuals. 

This is one place I think is ok for newly divorced men to go and get some support.  There are others if you search around online.  Also there are male-oriented books on realigning your life to the new reality.  Very helpful!

But here's a good start I think https://www.artofmanliness.com/

Providing an update on this situation as of today.

The ex wont agree to 50/50 custody, despite it being 50/50 since birth. He's now 2 years old.

She initially requested 90 or 95% custody, and tried 2 separate restraining orders on me over the pandemic. She tried to make up frivolous dyfus complaints against me within the past few months.

Everything shes tried is baseless.

Anywho because she wont agree to 50/50 custody - im forced to pay a TON of money to get a custody evaluator, essentially a licensed psychologist to evaluate me and her. This will now take 3+ months to happen.

That begins next week.

This has been going on since Feb 20' and ongoing.

I am hoping that this ends soon.

Stay well everyone.

How horrible. I'm sorry to hear this. I hope it is over soon. Thank you for coming back to update.

I hope you also have good friends and family around you and have the support you may need. 

Hey all - just updating this again ... still going on. In arbitration track - finally have an arbitration week scheduled by the arbitrator (fancy word for private trial) because the public courts are so backlogged due to covid.

Anywho scheduled for the week of Feb 21st 2022 - this will mark just about 2 years since I initially filed .. tons of legal bills/heartache/etc, but i have hope 2022 will bring me a new sense of hope in my life - that i can restart.

Ive been going  to psychologist for most of the time too, who has been helping just pick apart the weekly situations occurring. My psychologist after knowing me for awhile, and the divorce has said he thinks my ex wife (or hopefully soon to be) has characteristics of NPD - so in new relationships I think I need to have a very high guard.

Ive started my own meetup group within the past 5 months - and am constantly doing events (when I dont have the little guy) - have did some talking with women, and have gone on  a few dates to get my feet wet again (its been 10/12 years...) .

Anywho, to a better year to everyone!

Hows it going everyone? Updating again....we agreed to the majority of the finances, which meant a lot of negotiation on my end - ill be buying her out on house, 2 years of alimony primarily. This constitutes the majority of the financial issues.

We begin trial next week, specifically Wed/Thurs through arbitration (and Zoom - oh dear lord). Custody and updated child support, and maybe legal fees are the only remaining issues.

We're scheduled for 6 days, over the course of about a month to get through these issues. I cant see how these topics will take that long but we'll see.

After then, the arbitrator (private judge) will render a decision within 6 months (but likely much much shorter). If I have a final decree by June 15th I'll be pleased.

Thank you all for reading, and ESPECIALLY all of your support since well 2008 on here. There is no place like ENA I know of.

-a_lifters_life