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Thread: Distant family

  1. #1
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    Distant family

    Our family is at a point where we rarely get along. There is a lot of anger between my parents, 2 sisters and I, and i always thought i could count on my sisters. My younger sister and I always got on SO well but suddenly things have changed! I have 3 children, have left an abusive marriage and am working hard towards a degree and working. My youngest sister is pregnant with her first, with a slacker husband who wont work. I offered to help with money as my youngest son was in daycare fulltime and said if she wanted to take him instead, I'd rather put the money towards her and the baby. She agreed and seemed to be thankful.
    On the days I left school early, I would come to the house and my son would be alone on a phone watching videos with her upstairs doing who knows what. I was upset, and asked if it was too much for her and she assured me she loved having him. (I paid over 600 monthly).
    Suddenly, she tells me that she is moving 2 hours away, to where my other sister lives with her husband and kids in a few days. I told her I was happy for her, but would have appreciated notice for child care etc... she didnt even seem sorry.
    Now that she has moved, she is posting public posts on social media on how much my other sister helps her (by buying her ice cream) and that she feels so thankful to be close to her. Photos of her and my sisters kids, seems to be visiting her all the time etc. She had never visited my home, had never accompanied me to anywhere, parks, swimming etc with my children and I feel quite hurt!
    I haven't said anything, I prefer not to make it a big deal as I dont really have the time for the drama. But now I am faced with decisions that I'm unsure what is the right thing to do. As I'm in university from monday to friday, I book all my childrens sports and activities on the weekend. My sisters just asked that I attend 3 weekends in a row the kids birthday parties, baby shower and a housewarming.
    I would have to travel the 2 hours there and back, which is expensive and also miss my childrens activities.

    Do I attend? Should I miss my families important schedules for people that dont really reciprocate? Am I being petty? Do I tell them how i feel?

    I'm not really sure how to feel about it all, I know that I'm hurt by the recent events and there is probably much more to it than I can include here... but I would really appreciate some honest input.

    Thank you.

  2. #2
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    If your children have activities, then no, you don't attend. Your sisters will get over it.
    I also have two sisters. When they started having children, I often felt guilty for missing birthdays. And sometimes, they contributed to that. And then I remembered that I have my own life and I stopped feeling guilty. And they no longer held that power.

  3. #3
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    That is a lot of driving. I think you should stay put.

    Send gifts.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    If I were you, I'd pick the middle ground and choose one, like the b-days and take your kids too. They are cousins after all. Unless we are talking major competitions, skipping one weekend to engage with family isn't going to hurt them. Other stuff, just bring or send some presents and a card and explain that you can't afford to do more.

    Other than that, don't cut off your nose to spite your face. I really don't see what your sister did that is so wrong and so horrible to you. A lot of this is kind of childish on your part, like you are in competition on who gets more attention and recognition. Come on now. You are all adults making the best out of life that you can and it's not always easy. You are pretty much looking to create resentments here, which makes me wonder what's really going on with you and your life and how much you are trying to take out the stress of school, work and raising your kids onto your family. If you refuse to attend anything at all, all you will be doing is isolating yourself from your family. Nobody is doing anything to you, you are doing it to yourself and all it will do is start a vicious cycle of where you snub them, they get more distant, you get more resentful and feel more left out and round and round you go. Don't get into this madness.

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  6. #5
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    I stopped having to go to my niece and nephews birthdays when they turned 5. They are 21, 18, and 14 now. And I love them so much. It's just silly to go to their bdays. 2 hours is a trek when trying to move 3 kids, there's traffic, tolls, gas, and then you need the full day to hang out. If under an hour to get there, then yes. But two hours is too much!!!

    Don't assume that because she posted about ice cream that she loves the other sis more. The one sis could have gotten her a great flavor, and she liked it a like. Don't take social media personally. So for $600/month, maybe 8 hours a day, and weekdays, that 176 hours = $3.40/hour. You get what you pay for. Pretty much slave labor if you ask me. Most sitters in my area are $20/hour.

    And she shouldn't have to be sorry about childcare for your kid. You weren't paying a professional. She needs to move because she can't afford where she is. Maybe feel sorry for her for having a deadbeat baby daddy.

  7. #6
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    I should have posted, she took care of him for 3 hours, twice weekly. Which comes to $25 an hour. I was paying the same at my daycare but offered her the money instead of my daycare.

    I wasnt looking for resentment or an argument with any of my sisters either. I had just noticed with the last 2 years, I had asked her so many times to visit or go places and she always had an excuse. But within the month she moved there, she seems to be visiting my sister daily and babysitting for free!!
    I also didnt want to mention anything to them, hence why I am not looking for resentment between us..

    Thank you for the input. I'm going to message them and explain that I can attend one.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ZeddsDed
    I should have posted, she took care of him for 3 hours, twice weekly. Which comes to $25 an hour. I was paying the same at my daycare but offered her the money instead of my daycare.

    I wasnt looking for resentment or an argument with any of my sisters either. I had just noticed with the last 2 years, I had asked her so many times to visit or go places and she always had an excuse. But within the month she moved there, she seems to be visiting my sister daily and babysitting for free!!
    I also didnt want to mention anything to them, hence why I am not looking for resentment between us..

    Thank you for the input. I'm going to message them and explain that I can attend one.
    You have to allow for the fact that with different people/different life stages and circumstances there will always be different dynamics. Different doesn't make it less than or better than and that's the mentality I'd try to avoid. Maybe the move itself made her feel more happy and less depressed about her life, a natural boost if you will so for the moment is in fact more energetic and outgoing. A lot of the times, what a person does has little to do with you personally, as in it's not personal. All about ups and downs, ebb and flow.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    A lot of this is kind of childish on your part, like you are in competition on who gets more attention and recognition.
    So true. But even so, let's say for instance that your sisters get along better or like each other more....so what? No really...SO WHAT? Some adults get along better, some relate better.
    It does not say anything about you, it's not personal and it is petty to be watching and resenting. Get on with your own life.

    If they invite you to something, go if you feel it would be nice to go or for your children to be a part of. But go with the intention of seeing family, not to see if they are going to behave as you want them to or if they treat so and so better than you, etc.
    It's a waste of energy, emotions and your life.

    Life is short, don't waste it on petty, meaningless things.

  10. #9
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    I should also add she had paid for the deposit on her new rental a month in advance and never mentioned it to me.. I think it's just polite to give notice to anybody to find new childcare so wouldnt be stranded? Especially family. But I guess that's personal morals.

    Like I said, im not making a big deal out of it, but cannot help the way I feel about the situation.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    So true. But even so, let's say for instance that your sisters get along better or like each other more....so what? No really...SO WHAT? Some adults get along better, some relate better.
    It does not say anything about you, it's not personal and it is petty to be watching and resenting. Get on with your own life.
    If they invite you to something, go if you feel it would be nice to go or for your children to be a part of. But go with the intention of seeing family, not to see if they are going to behave as you want them to or if they treat so and so better than you, etc.
    It's a waste of energy, emotions and your life.

    Life is short, don't waste it on petty meaningless things.
    I do agree with this. And I am super happy that she moved and will hopefully feel better where she is.
    My sisters are also younger so I expect them to be closer. I guess it just stings a little. Blah.
    I have called and have agreed to bring gifts for the shower and will be attending the bday.

    Thanks

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