Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 18 of 18

Thread: Distant family

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,601
    I should also add she had paid for the deposit on her new rental a month in advance and never mentioned it to me.. I think it's just polite to give notice to anybody to find new childcare so wouldnt be stranded? Especially family. But I guess that's personal morals.
    You have a right to be disappointed on how she handled things. But don't let it get to you. She was thoughtless, I absolutely agree with you. But let it go.

    Focus more on your own friends, and on your children and your own life. Stop allowing yourself to be disappointed over others who don't have the same heart as you, and who don't view things as you do. All is it doing is causing unnecessary hardship. It would be wonderful if all sisters were best friends or families all appreciated each other the same and were fair to each one. But they are not.

    Accept this, let it go and don't let it cause bitterness or upset. You can still have a good relationship with them as long as you don't focus on the shortcomings.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    57
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    You have a right to be disappointed on how she handled things. But don't let it get to you. She was thoughtless, I absolutely agree with you. But let it go.

    Focus more on your own friends, and on your children and your own life. Stop allowing yourself to be disappointed over others who don't have the same heart as you, and who don't view things as you do. All is it doing is causing unnecessary hardship. It would be wonderful if all sisters were best friends or families all appreciated each other the same and were fair to each one. But they are not.

    Accept this, let it go and don't let it cause bitterness or upset. You can still have a good relationship with them as long as you don't focus on the shortcomings.
    Thank you :) I am going to continue concentrating on our life. I tend to get wrapped up in our families dysfunctions and sometimes over extend myself to help family and other people then end up feeling discarded. I also am heading for a psychologist meet and greet to deal with these type issues next month.

    Thanks again guys

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    38,539
    Gender
    Male
    Invitations are not subpoenas. Simply send the appropriate gift/greeting to whichever events you can not attend. However try to resist the urge to feel resentful or hurt. It does you and your family no good.
    Originally Posted by ZeddsDed
    I would have to travel the 2 hours there and back, which is expensive and also miss my childrens activities. Do I attend? Should I miss my families important schedules for people that dont really reciprocate?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,601
    Rise above.

    There are always going to be family dysfunction. Try not to get caught up in it or take it personally.
    You still have value, worth, you still would be a great asset as a friend. You don't need them to validate that for you. Family, especially sisters, can be funny/fickle. Let them continue on with their life. But you focus more on creating good friendships nearby.

    It might still sting from time to time. And it is disappointing that things can't be as you had hoped, but don't let it cause bitterness or upset. Just accept that they are still family, they just won't be "best buddies" as you had once hoped.

    And that's okay.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,217
    I'm in the same boat, ZeddsDed. I too am bitter and resentful due to "bad blood" (ill feelings between families due to past transgressions).

    Everyone is busy due to work, raising families, school, maintaining households, extracurricular activities (kids organized sports, practice, games, piano lessons, recitals, dance, marching band, competitions, parades, etc. Been there done that).

    For special occasions such as baby showers, housewarming parties and birthday parties, I would make exceptions for that.

    Granted, I did not attend every birthday party for my sister's kids because she has 3 kids with a party every year for each child which was too much for me with driving, doling out money for presents and it's time consuming. I attended the first few birthday parties for each child and after that, we had a MUTUAL agreement not to attend birthday parties anymore due to cost savings and we don't even exchange Christmas gifts anymore for the same reason. It gets to be very expensive and it adds up. However, I send birthday greeting cards (minus money) in the postal mail several weeks prior to the birthday just so at least I acknowledged their birthdays in advance and didn't completely ignore. It's called practicing good diplomacy. I do this for my nephew, nieces and sister.

    As for baby showers, housewarming parties and holidays (Thanksgiving / Christmas), we (my husband, sons and I), attend special occasions.

    My sister, brother-in-law (BIL) and I had a history of arguments in the past and to this day I hold grudges due to no forthcoming humility nor apologies whatsoever. However, we attend special occasions for the sake of my sons so they can enjoy camaraderie with their cousins and grandparents. Example was my niece's grad party. I endure these family reunion type gatherings for the sake of my children. I'm gracious, kind, well-mannered, polite, peaceful yet not overly chatty nor chummy. There is a way to go about this in a dignified, cordial manner.

    Don't burn your bridges. Don't keep score. Life is too short. You never know when it will be your sisters', her child or children, you or your childrens' last day on this Earth. Accidents, tragedies, poor health or premature death happens. You don't want regrets someday which you'll have to live with for the rest of your life. Cast your differences aside for temporary joy for your children and hers. Sometimes, as mothers we have to be selfless and make the next generation happy.

    You're not petty with how you feel and neither am I. I know you're hurt, bitter and resentful as am I. However, be the bigger person, take the high road and do the right thing. Show class. You are setting a fine example to your 3 children. Someday, they too will face people whom they do NOT like yet they too will have to show class and behave admirably despite the undercurrent of stewing animosity.

    There is a way to remain peaceful yet keep your cautious, wary, jaded distance. If I can do it, so can you.

    If it's truly inconvenient for you with the 4 hours roundtrip drive, then I'd send whatever you can afford in the postal mail with 'signature confirmation required' to prevent porch piracy whether a gift card or present for the baby shower, housewarming party or birthday party but don't spend excessive amounts of money. It's shows good will, grace and good diplomacy. You've done your good deed and you're off the hook. This is what I would do.

    My sister resides one hour away from me so it's a 2 hour round trip. If she resided 2 hours away from me with a 4 hour round trip drive for me plus 3 kids in tow, that's awfully long and taxing.

    If your sisters or anyone does anything nice to you or your kids, send a brief postal thank you note and be done with it. This is how I am. It keeps the peace yet it doesn't mean you have to be close to siblings, family nor anyone if you don't have the desire due to your personal reasons.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,217
    Lower your expectations to nil from your sister and everyone otherwise you'll be forever disappointed.

    If your sister tends to gravitate towards other members of the family instead of you, you can't control that. My sister is very chummy with my mother and her friends within her age bracket. At first, I too was envious and wanted to fit in but not anymore. I concentrate on my own life and get so busy that I'm too tired to have brain space for her and her 'thick as thieves' cronies.

    Focus on your own life, 3 children, activities, fitness, health, hobbies and surround yourself with moral friends and selective family members. You don't have to belong in an overrated dramatic clique. Enforce your own healthy boundaries with others and you will feel content and secure.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,857
    Gender
    Female
    I can appreciate that the contrast in your sister's relationship with other sister struck you as glaring, but I'd make room for the life stage thing. It really IS a thing.

    You've spent years raising 3 kids and battling an abusive husband to land on your feet. That's a big accomplishment. It's also not the kind of chaotic situation that your childless sister wanted to engage.

    While you found it disturbing to find your child quietly amusing himself at sister's home, that was her environment, and it contrasts the hustle and bustle of your life. This doesn't imply at all that her quiet world was 'better' than your energetic one, it merely shows you the contrast in your personal choices of environment. This can make it easier to understand that not everyone would choose to spend time among 3 children voluntarily, no matter how welcomed they may be.

    You can opt to be hurt by that, or you can view it through a pragmatic lens. Now that sis is starting a family of her own, she'll need to overcome her prior aversion to childrearing chaos. She's opting to involve herself in other sister's environment for that, so consider all of the ways in which her new location might offer a gentler approach to learning.

    How many children does you other sister have, and how old are they? Is other sister married, and if so, does pregnant sister like her BIL? What aspects of other sister's environment might sister find appealing?

    As for the invitations, I'd consider them an olive branch to include you in their world. Your resistance to them might indicate an overarching metaphor for WHY your two sisters have bonded outside of your busy world. I would consider that carefully, and I'd behave in ways that can help me to strengthen my bridge with family rather than isolate myself from them.

    If arranging transport for your kids to attend their activities with friends' families on some occasions is possible, I'd attend those family events on my own. Where that's not possible, I'd bring my kids along. I'd consider which invitations are more suitable for the kids to attend and align accordingly.

    You get to decide whether you'll model for your kids that family bonding through events is important, or not. They will carry this message into their own adult lives, and they will play it out during times when you may wish for them to be more connected to YOU and the events that you consider important.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,217
    I accept big momentous event type invitations such as a bridal shower, baby shower, housewarming party, big anniversary parties, some birthday invitations (if not excessive), my nephew's First Communion and luncheon, my niece's grad party, visit a new mother in the hospital or bring a home cooked dinner to her house for HER and HER family (not for us to eat), funerals, etc.

    As I've mentioned previously, don't burn your bridges nor keep score.

    I accept and attend perfunctory events. It may not be an optimal relationship but it does several things when you partake in special events. You practice good diplomacy and maintain ties. This 'in person' connection prevents your already dicey relationship from falling into the brink of estrangement. I'm in the same boat. I can tell you firsthand that I vehemently despise certain relatives and in-laws due to unforgivable past transgressions and their continued despicable, unacceptable behaviors to this day. However, for the sake of my sons and traditions, we accept a few invitations per year. I do my part with lots of cooking, bring a lot of generous home cooked food from my house to my sister's or mother-in-law (MIL)'s house, clean up, give gifts, my sons enjoy camaraderie with their cousins and grandparents and after that we go home.

    During the majority of the year every year, everyone goes back to their four corners and remains there. We don't bother each other nor do our lives intertwine due to our daily busy, hectic household lives. It works. We don't get personal and stay out of each others way. We don't engage in regular, relentless texting, emails, messages, voicemails, postal mail and the like. We're not chummy nor have regular, frequent contact. If it's towards the upcoming event, I'll coordinate cooking duties with my sister or defer to my husband to contact HIS mother about the home cooked dishes I'm bringing to her house. However, other than that, we don't have regular, frequent contact whatsoever. We don't get personal either. This is called enforcing healthy boundaries. We do the bare minimum for peace and diplomacy's sake; no more no less. Everyone benefits and we all know our place. We don't cross lines which we're not allowed to cross. This prevents arguments and fights. We treat each other like acquaintances. This enforces respect.

    On rare occasions, there are family reunions at a restaurant once or twice a year. We're all peaceful and then we get to leave!

    There's still a habitual, chronic bad character problem with 3 extended family members, relatives and in-laws but at least it's only for a few hours and after that we leave each other alone for the majority of the year.

    Whether it's colleagues, family (relatives / in-laws), any group you belong to such as church, sports, charity groups, social groups or whatever, there will always be people whom you don't like due to their unacceptable characters or obnoxiously rude personalities. You can either avoid them entirely if you have the luxury to exit the group and if you can't, you make the best of a bad situation. How do you do this? Remain stoic, carry your own dignity, be pleasant, natural, kind, peaceful, diplomatic, polite, well mannered yet not unnaturally chummy. Know where to draw the line with people especially if you do not feel close to them. Know your boundaries and borders with people no matter who they are. This is how you survive while keeping the peace. You can be gracious yet maintain a cool distance. This is how I behave and it works splendidly.

    Why do you think acquaintances get along so great? Because there are very strong enforced boundaries. It works.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •