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Am I in the wrong?


dsdavid

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I am remarried and have 3 kids that live with us 50% of the time. My wife has 1 child who lives with the ex husband 100% of the time. My kids can at times be messy. This drives my wife crazy. I understand her concern and I continue to work with my kids to make sure they pick up after themselves and clean up their messes. The other day the shower in their bathroom broke. It might take a few days to get this fixed and she is refusing to let my kids use our shower in the meantime because they are messy. I find this totally offensive as I think she should treat my kids as her own. I would never tell her that her son couldn't use our shower if his was broken no matter what faults he might have. Am I wrong for thinking this way?

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More context is needed here... how messy are they? And how did the shower break?

 

Like if they get water and filth everywhere when they shower, I might be reluctant too... that stuff grosses me out! I like a clean bathroom.

 

I wouldn't prevent them from having a shower in my bathroom but I would expect them to clean up after themselves or I would expect you to do it.

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Agree that some more context is needed. How long have you two been married and living like this? And how long has cleanliness been an issue? While her reaction strikes me as pretty awful, I suspect it is the culmination of a lot of frustration and perhaps some places where you two can improve communication.

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We have been married for a year and a half. Most of the messyness is confined to their bedrooms. Other than that they can leave a solo cup on the table, or a plate on the counter. Or they might use a pan to cook something in the oven and not clean it right away. Things like that.

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it's just old I suspect. The pull lever on the tub doesn't work so when you pull it up to turn tub off and send water to the shower no water comes out. The chores we have given them are to empty garbage, take out recylce bin when full, empty dishwasher. When they are home they spend 100% of their time in their bedrooms except for meals. My youngest does spend time with us watching tv or playing games.

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And how long were you dating before getting married? Also curious if she moved into your house, or whether this is a house you guys all moved in to together.

 

Guess what I'm trying to get at is that this drama with the shower? It's not really an issue, but a symptom of a larger issue: you guys are not building a home in which everyone can live harmoniously. I think you both need to figure out a way to address that, rather than go for tat over something like this.

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I am sorry but refusing to let them use the shower is completely absurd and unacceptable behavior. I don't care how messy they might get, it is simply NOT an excuse for a few days.

 

It is rare for a woman to lose custody of her kids, but in this case, it seems there is good reason why her husband has 100% custody.

 

How well did you even know her before you married her?

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We dated for a year and a half. We bought the house together but lived together a bit before that. I have tried to work this out with her which is why I am continuously on my kids to do better. They are improving but she doesn't want to acknowledge it. I guess I am looking at it as messy or not how do you say my kids can't use the shower for 2 days. i wouldn't do that to her son. As far as why her son lives with the Dad. it was an abuse relationship and when they divorced her attorneys told her to move away from the ex. They are not in the same state. The ex won custody of the son.

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So you've known her for 3 years. During that time has she displayed a tendency to react in extreme, negative, punishing, and vindictive ways when she is upset? Does she take comfort in a story line—with waiters, with credit companies, with whomever—that she is being wronged by the world?

 

Like others, I don't care if your children are tornadoes of slop; her refusal to let them bathe is, well, it's just wrong. Not a solution, but a very fine way to exacerbate the problem and find comfort and power in the problem. Hard for me not to wonder if a similar dynamic played out in her first marriage, and if her current custody arrangement is a reflection of that.

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No, no "further context" is needed. The line ends at ****in' depriving children of basic human rights. Even prisoners get a shower a day. She expect them to stand in front of the sink and hand wash and rinse themselves? It's unforgivable and a completely separate issue from any amount of mess your kids might leave.

 

My advice: third time's a charm. Obviously work on yourself and your picker before you remarry again.

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How are you dealing with this OP? Have you put your foot down, or are you allowing her to have her way?

 

I am sure there have been other similar episodes.

 

Your children will remember how you handle these types of situations. Forever. You need to have their back as a parent.

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No, no "further context" is needed. The line ends at ****in' depriving children of basic human rights. Even prisoners get a shower a day. She expect them to stand in front of the sink and hand wash and rinse themselves? It's unforgivable and a completely separate issue from any amount of mess your kids might leave.

 

My advice: third time's a charm. Obviously work on yourself and your picker before you remarry again.

Absolutely.

....

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My community is so still completely shook up by what happened to Thomas Valva

https://nypost.com/2020/01/24/son-of-nypd-cop-died-of-hypothermia-after-being-kept-in-garage-overnight-police/

 

Your new wife is messed up. I don't care how messy my kids or your kids are. It's their house too. Don't ever let her make them feel less. Not letting them shower is already telling them they are less. She sucks.

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Sorry to hear this. You need to clean up after them and teach them to clean up after themselves. Do not mistake "loving them as her own" with you and them treating her like the cleaning lady and nanny. She is their stepmother. She doesn't have to love them. It would be nice but all she has to do is respect your relationship with them.

 

The 18 y/o has the right to live wherever he wants. There is no 50/50 "custody" in that case. Consider letting him go away y to college. Also consider letting them stay with their mother more often i f this much tension is created by this.

 

You need to step things up quite a bit. How is it your kids get away with this? This is not a one time event. The shower breaking is just another tipping point. You need to be a much more involved father and teach the kids how to respect themselves, the rights of others etc. You also should consider a housekeeper if they are not picking up and you are not setting any example.

 

If the shower is broken they can stay at their mother's until it's fixed or they learn from you how to pick up after themselves. They are rebelling and disrespecting your wife and for some strange reason you allow this and in fact chime in with emotional blackmail such as .."if you loved them...'.

My kids can at times be messy. This drives my wife crazy. I understand her concern and I continue to work with my kids to make sure they pick up after themselves and clean up their messes. The other day the shower in their bathroom broke. It might take a few days to get this fixed and she is refusing to let my kids use our shower in the meantime because they are messy. I think she should treat my kids as her own.
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