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Thread: I want to leave but I'm terrified of how he'll react

  1. #1
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    I want to leave but I'm terrified of how he'll react

    I'm currently living with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years. The first 10 months of our relationship was long distance, as we met online. I was his first serious relationship, so he was (and still is) pretty inexperienced in every single thing regarding love and relationships. We connected so easily and so deeply, and for a while I literally could not have been more excited and happy, and I can say the same for him. I didn't want to leave where I was living because I liked the life I was building for myself all on my own, but if we wanted to be together we both knew I had to move to be with him. All I had were my parents who already traveled a ways to see me regularly, he has a huge family that relies on him and they all live relatively close. My career field is easily transferable, what he wants to do is more specific to this part of the country. So given all of that, I moved in with him March of 2019. Even before I moved we were already having problems.

    Even when we would visit each other (which was, on average, a few days monthly) we would end up fighting over something, be it communication issues, differences in opinions on certain topics, sex, finances, etc. We still fight about all these things to this day. I wasn't even sure I wanted to move in together. I remember having a panic attack about a week before the move because a part of me knew I wouldn't be happy, but I thought being together would solve a lot of the communication issues. It didn't solve anything, the issues we fight over have only evolved. He is a very sexual being and I have almost zero sex drive. So trying to fulfill his needs while also trying to fulfill mine is quite literally impossible. He thinks I should compromise, which either means sexual acts that aren't full on intercourse or having sex but only sometimes rather than every time he wants it. He understands I need to do what I need to do to be comfortable, and I should never force myself for his sake. Which I have done a lot in the past, because up until recently I have had a very hard time saying "no" to him, and even when I did we would end up doing it anyway from me feeling guilted into it almost every time. He never intended to do that, because again, he is very inexperienced when it comes to reading women and people in general, and knowing what the right thing to do is, and I am easily intimidated by him. He has never been physically violent and would never dream of it, although he is infinitely stronger than me and has a temper like you wouldn't imagine when it comes out, so I still am absolutely terrified of conflict because of how he reacts.

    On several occasions I have tried to end the relationship but he goes from extreme anger (which causes me to shut down and curl up), to him having a full on mental breakdown with crying and begging and pleading me to stay and that he'll do anything and everything because none of it's my fault and it's all his. I could go on and on about my reasons for wanting to end it, a years worth of fighting every day over the same few issues that I know will never change. I no longer feel that deep connection with him. He still thinks we are spending our whole lives together and anything else is absolutely unfathomable. I just don't know what to do because I know he will do whatever he needs to do to keep me here. He will never agree for more than a night to let me go, as the next day he will continue begging and pleading and literally not leaving me alone until I give him the answer he wants. I want to leave every day so badly and have on and off for many months. I just don't know how. I luckily now have the funds to do so, and I want to stay in the area simply because my career is actually going in a direction that is really good for me right now, so that will make moving out easier, as I won't have to go far. But I am so terrified of how distraught he will be, I am so scared of hurting him and putting him through that. Imagine the one you KNOW you are going to be with forever is quite literally just GONE out of nowhere one day when you get home from work. No signs (from your perspective), just gone for no reason. I don't know if I can do that to him. But I know I will be so unhappy if I stay here.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You know you need to leave this disaster of a relationship and you really should do it asap. Dont let his begging, whining, crying, histrionics keep you in this sh1tty place in your life. Get a restraining order if you feel you need one. Make sure the police know if you really are that afraid of him. Dont tell him where you are moving to, just get the hell out of there. Block and delete him from contacting you. Get a new phone # if need be. Time to set yourself free.

  3. #3
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    I keep telling myself that every day and have for months. What's really hard is all of my conflicting feelings. He is so extremely supportive and backs me up on everything, he is there for me no matter what time of day and what he is doing. He is unbelievably devoted and loving to me and has made me feel so secure and happy. Sometimes I feel like he can read my mind and give me everything I need in a moment when I'm sad or having some issues and need some closeness. He is pretty responsible and does whatever he can for us. So all of those things make it so hard for me to commit to my decision. I know it's what I need to do, because even though he is great in those respects, it doesn't take away from what I feel like is unintentional emotional manipulation in many other areas, other than just the sex issue I spoke of, that I know will never stop.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You need to reread your post above this one. You have answered your own question. He can be nice if he wants to but in general he is not nice and you know it. Time to put yourself first instead of fretting over this angry control freak, which is what he sounds like to me. You cant fix him, only he cn fix himself. But first he'd have to see he's got issues.

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  6. #5
    Member gohawks292's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lleni
    I'm currently living with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years. The first 10 months of our relationship was long distance, as we met online. I was his first serious relationship, so he was (and still is) pretty inexperienced in every single thing regarding love and relationships. We connected so easily and so deeply, and for a while I literally could not have been more excited and happy, and I can say the same for him. I didn't want to leave where I was living because I liked the life I was building for myself all on my own, but if we wanted to be together we both knew I had to move to be with him. All I had were my parents who already traveled a ways to see me regularly, he has a huge family that relies on him and they all live relatively close. My career field is easily transferable, what he wants to do is more specific to this part of the country. So given all of that, I moved in with him March of 2019. Even before I moved we were already having problems.

    Even when we would visit each other (which was, on average, a few days monthly) we would end up fighting over something, be it communication issues, differences in opinions on certain topics, sex, finances, etc. We still fight about all these things to this day. I wasn't even sure I wanted to move in together. I remember having a panic attack about a week before the move because a part of me knew I wouldn't be happy, but I thought being together would solve a lot of the communication issues. It didn't solve anything, the issues we fight over have only evolved. He is a very sexual being and I have almost zero sex drive. So trying to fulfill his needs while also trying to fulfill mine is quite literally impossible. He thinks I should compromise, which either means sexual acts that aren't full on intercourse or having sex but only sometimes rather than every time he wants it. He understands I need to do what I need to do to be comfortable, and I should never force myself for his sake. Which I have done a lot in the past, because up until recently I have had a very hard time saying "no" to him, and even when I did we would end up doing it anyway from me feeling guilted into it almost every time. He never intended to do that, because again, he is very inexperienced when it comes to reading women and people in general, and knowing what the right thing to do is, and I am easily intimidated by him. He has never been physically violent and would never dream of it, although he is infinitely stronger than me and has a temper like you wouldn't imagine when it comes out, so I still am absolutely terrified of conflict because of how he reacts.

    On several occasions I have tried to end the relationship but he goes from extreme anger (which causes me to shut down and curl up), to him having a full on mental breakdown with crying and begging and pleading me to stay and that he'll do anything and everything because none of it's my fault and it's all his. I could go on and on about my reasons for wanting to end it, a years worth of fighting every day over the same few issues that I know will never change. I no longer feel that deep connection with him. He still thinks we are spending our whole lives together and anything else is absolutely unfathomable. I just don't know what to do because I know he will do whatever he needs to do to keep me here. He will never agree for more than a night to let me go, as the next day he will continue begging and pleading and literally not leaving me alone until I give him the answer he wants. I want to leave every day so badly and have on and off for many months. I just don't know how. I luckily now have the funds to do so, and I want to stay in the area simply because my career is actually going in a direction that is really good for me right now, so that will make moving out easier, as I won't have to go far. But I am so terrified of how distraught he will be, I am so scared of hurting him and putting him through that. Imagine the one you KNOW you are going to be with forever is quite literally just GONE out of nowhere one day when you get home from work. No signs (from your perspective), just gone for no reason. I don't know if I can do that to him. But I know I will be so unhappy if I stay here.
    You cannot worry about Feelings right now you have to look out for yourself and whatís best for you at this time. Iím having to do the same with my boyfriend , heís somewhere else too, he wants to stay there and so Iíve been looking for apartments down there however, The other night he thought we were growing apart and he wanted to leave... I believe we need to be separated until we both have our head on straight.
    If this person ends up doing something crazy because you broke up with them then thatís on them. My boyfriend thinks the same thing and Iím not gonna do that. I honestly think itís in the best interest for both of us to do that. The thing is he keeps confusing me about saying he wants to be with me for the rest of my life so I feel like he sending me mixed messages, I just wish he would be honest and say what he wants to say.
    So you never know he may be wanting the same thing but you cannot worry about his mental health right now he has to worry about his own mental health.

  7. #6
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    You need to leave, OP. This relationship hasn't worked for a long time, even before you moved to him. The bad drastically outweighs the good here.

    Start looking for another place to live. You don't need to inform him yet, and when you do secure something, I would not give him the address. I would also consider changing your phone number if you think there is a chance he will not leave you alone.

    You say this, "Imagine the one you KNOW you are going to be with forever is quite literally just GONE out of nowhere one day when you get home from work. No signs (from your perspective), just gone for no reason," but it's not quite true. He knows you are not happy with him. You have tried to leave before; this isn't going to come out of the blue, for no reason, not matter how much he might try to deny that and make you feel guilty. He might be emotionally immature and unstable, but he's not completely oblivious.

    Let me present it another way: Imagine the one you THOUGHT you were going to be with forever has a temper so bad you're afraid to talk to him, and feel threatened into silence.

    Will he freak out? Yep. Are you entirely responsible for his happiness and emotional stability? Nope. Will you be happy putting up with this another 5 or 10 years? Nope.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Move back home. The first thing any abuser does is get you on his turf and isolate you. Enlist the help of friends family your embassy whatever and get out of there. Next time do not throw your life away on some online entity you never met.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Enlist the help of family to be there when ou tell him and to help move your stuff out. Deal with practical matters first, and then there will be plenty of time to deal with the emotional stuff later.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    First is that you need to understand and realize that you are in an abusive relationship. He isn't inexperienced, he is intentionally controlling and abusive. He is well aware of what he is doing to you and CHOOSES to do it. Just because he hasn't punched you in the face yet, doesn't make your situation any less bad. The idea that a man has to beat you senseless before you can call it abuse is probably the biggest misconception about abuse.

    If you have any abuse hotlines where you live, call them and get some help and guidance on how to leave. You can also Google is, just be sure you do it where he can never see it - like at your work computer or library, never ever from your house even if you don't share computers.

    Basic outline for how you leave someone who is volatile is a plan in secret. Get your own place, be sure he cannot trace you there. Slowly get the most important small items out of the your current place. When he is not around, you take the rest and go. In the US, you can ask a local police officer to be present just in case the abuser returns early to ensure peace and that you do not get attacked, screamed at, followed, etc. When abusers are losing control over you, they can go completely psycho. That is NOT caring, btw, that is the opposite of caring. They don't care about you at all, they only care about themselves and their power over you. Please understand this. Never confuse abuser's hysterics with caring about you or your relationship. They do not, they are not even capable of it.

    Once you leave, change your number, shut down your social media, change your e-mail accounts. You need to fall off the face of this planet. At work, inform your bosses and building security so if he tries to show up or threaten you in any way, they can protect you and make him leave. Please please understand that when you are in this kind of a situation, people will be more than happy to help you so long as they know what's going on. Do not hide what's going on from people who can help. On that note, tell your family and friends as well. Make sure that they do not speak to him, do not give out your number or address. Whatever you do, do not speak to him or continue to engage with him in any way. If he does find out where you live, if he shows up at your door, call police. Do not open the door, do not speak with him.

    As for feelings....please educate yourself more about abusive relationships and what they really look like. You are in one and you need to understand thoroughly that abusers never change, do not care about you, go a long ways to pretend and tell you whatever you want to hear, how they manipulate and get under your skin so that you feel like you are responsible for their horrible behavior. You are NOT responsible for another person's behavior, feelings, or emotions. Once you get out, you have your work cut out for you to start undoing the damage and fixing your own skewed perceptions, what drew you into this mess, why you stayed, etc. Some serious emotional house cleaning so you don't fall for something similar ever again.

  11. #10
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    I want to thank everyone for the replies. It really has helped me open my eyes to the truth. I haven't talked to a soul about this for months, so the fresh perspectives were much needed. I'm going to get out of here as soon as possible. I'm going to talk to my boss today and get her advice on how to proceed with my current work schedule. I don't plan on taking a lot with me so I could be out in a single day after finding a place, and I already know where to look. I conveniently work in the hotel business so I can potentially stay at work for a few days if needed. Thank you guys again for the encouragement and eye opening truth. It will definitely be hard but there's no way it will be harder than staying here.

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