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Is my friend's boyfriend abusive?


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I think my friend's BF is abusive. But this could definitely be a result of subjectivity. I need some additional perspective. I don't want to say anything to her if it is not truly warranted.

 

My friend met her BF online. She was instantly attracted to him. They are really from two different worlds: she is very family-oriented, but he never sees his family; she has an MBA, but he barely graduated high school; she has a very solid, good job and zero debt; he goes between jobs and is drowning in debt. A few months into their relationship, she started joking around--saying "he might as well just move in already; he is always at my house." A few weeks later, he had "officially" moved in (and by that, I mean that he told her he did not renew his lease and was going to move his things in to her house).

He has two ex-wives. And two domestic violence charges. He has a son that he sees once every three months or so (because it is easier to just not mess with his mother). She had a party at her house and he became black-out drunk, starting crying and hid in the bedroom so long that she had to disappear from her own party and convince him that he was not an awful person.

Here is where I have a hard time: my friend is extremely social. She normally has social activities every day of the week, is always with her friends, travels a lot, and is always up for an adventure. She is a great friend. Lately, she is not available. She misses social activities with her good friends because he thinks she is gone too much. A few weeks ago, we took a girls' trip and he refused to talk to her because he said that she was purposely abandoning him and that she never spends any time with him and he feels like she is always choosing other things. She excuses this as him being unconfident.

Twice in the past month she has simply not shown up for stuff. And last night, she canceled something that we had planned for this weekend. Her birthday is this week. He asked her to cancel her plans for Saturday. He said "are you ever going to let me do anything for you?"

He served in the military and suffers from PTSD. He refuses to seek help for this. But he pities himself nonstop and will tell her how awful he feels all the time and that she never helps him with anything.

He pays for nothing. Nothing. No help with her mortgage, no bills. She pays for everything. I think he pays his car payment, but that it is. She takes him on trips.

At the party where he hid in the bedroom, he also groped another of our friends.

He often gets very loud and will argue with anything that anyone says. Instead of listening, he literally says "you are wrong. you are wrong." His arrogance is incredible. Several of her friends refuse to be around him.

 

I need advice: do you think I am reading too much into this because she is in a new situation and is finding herself committing to a new person instead of her friends? do you think that he could be actually abusive? should I say anything about my concerns to her?

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Abusive? Not yet. However, your radar and concerns are right on point. He is highly manipulative and she is falling for it unfortunately.

 

Log before there is physical abuse, there is psychological and emotional abuse and it starts just like this. Lots of self pity/pity me, you are abandoning me to be with your friends, etc., etc., etc. Drip drip drip. Soon enough, the person becomes shackled with guilt that they are being a bad partner for having a life, they stop going out, they well....get brainwashed.

 

Worst part for you as a friend is that there is nothing you can do about it. If you get on to her about how he is bad, all you will do is push her away from you and toward him as she'll get defensive. About the only thing you can do is try to educate her as a general conversation about what grooming for abuse looks like and hope dearly that something sets off a light bulb in her brain even if not now, then later as things get worse. Bottom line is that something is attracting her to this toxic dynamic and that's that. Until she decides otherwise, nothing will change.

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He has two ex-wives. And two domestic violence charges.

 

Was she aware of the domestic charges before allowing him to move in? In any event, with her being an adult, unfortunately you can only do so much as in offering her advice.

 

As the saying goes, you can lead the horse to water but you can't make them drink it. Unless she wakes up, your hands are tied...sorry to say.

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Abusive? Not yet. However, your radar and concerns are right on point. He is highly manipulative and she is falling for it unfortunately.

 

Log before there is physical abuse, there is psychological and emotional abuse and it starts just like this. Lots of self pity/pity me, you are abandoning me to be with your friends, etc., etc., etc. Drip drip drip. Soon enough, the person becomes shackled with guilt that they are being a bad partner for having a life, they stop going out, they well....get brainwashed.

 

Worst part for you as a friend is that there is nothing you can do about it. If you get on to her about how he is bad, all you will do is push her away from you and toward him as she'll get defensive. About the only thing you can do is try to educate her as a general conversation about what grooming for abuse looks like and hope dearly that something sets off a light bulb in her brain even if not now, then later as things get worse. Bottom line is that something is attracting her to this toxic dynamic and that's that. Until she decides otherwise, nothing will change.

 

I completely agree with DancingFool's assessment. He is very manipulative and controlling. "...she canceled something that we had planned for this weekend."

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I must be a really crappy friend because I don’t know half of the intimate details you know about your friends relationships.

 

My advice? Honestly? Butt out. One thing I’ve learned as I’ve lived, your friends and family will vent to you and you of course will be on their side but at the end of the day she’s choosing to go back so recognize it’s just that her venting and until she wants to make a change... well... it’s her life to live.

 

Whether or not he’s abusive, again her life to live, even if he crosses that line... SHE has to decide to leave.

 

Worry about your emotional and mental health and just be prepared to be there for her when she’s ready, until then don’t ruin your friendship by butting in because she will choose him. Tell her to stop venting if it affects you this much also, it’s not fair to you.

 

Get some space, it’s seriously not healthy to be this involved with someone else’s love life. You can be a good friend from a distance.

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Is she aware of his legal history? If so she is desperate, thinks she can change him, enjoys BDSM or she shares his has drug, alcohol or mental health issues. She clearly is not asking him to leave or asking you for help. The trivia about his kids what she pays for etc is irrelevant.

 

The best thing to do is cut her out of your life and stop socializing with her. When she chooses to be with someone who has a violent arrest record you are foolish to inject yourself in this. Simply tell her you think he's dangerous and you need to distance yourself. Don't let morbid curiosity allow you to stay over-involved in this. If and when she wants/needs help, she knows where to go and who to call.

two domestic violence charges.. She pays for everything.
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Is she aware of his legal history? If so she is desperate, thinks she can change him, enjoys BDSM or she shares his has drug, alcohol or mental health issues. She clearly is not asking him to leave or asking you for help. The trivia about his kids what she pays for etc is irrelevant.

 

The best thing to do is cut her out of your life and stop socializing with her. When she chooses to be with someone who has a violent arrest record you are foolish to inject yourself in this. Simply tell her you think he's dangerous and you need to distance yourself. Don't let morbid curiosity allow you to stay over-involved in this. If and when she wants/needs help, she knows where to go and who to call.

two domestic violence charges.
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Bad mouthing the BF or raising your suspicions is a fast track to getting fully cut out of her life--which only isolates her further.

 

If you really care about this friend, I'd spend as much time with her as she'll allow, and listen. Carefully. If she complains about him, don't chime in. Sound concerned and open. Then have the websites and phone numbers handy with local agencies that she can call for help if she wants some professional advice.

 

If she raises any concerns about her safety, ask her to agree to a code phrase that will alert you to call the police to her home, such as, "Did I leave my umbrella in your car?"

 

Also offer to help if there's anything you can do to for her to safely leave the guy.

 

Beyond that, consider over time how often she complains about him. If you recognize that she's just venting but chooses to do nothing to extricate herself from the problem, then you'll only embed her deeper into the problem. At that point, stop listening to the complaints. Tell her, "I adore you and we can speak of anything in the world except for BF. If you ever want my help to make a change, my offer stands, but beyond that, let's enjoy our time together."

 

Otherwise, you become the pressure valve that lets her complain, then she feels better, you feel worse, and nothing changes. Skip that. Listen enough to learn, offer help, then observe over time whether she's willing to change the situation or not. If not, leave your offer to help on the table without badmouthing, and that's the most effective thing you can do.

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Is she aware of his legal history? If so she is desperate, thinks she can change him, enjoys BDSM or she shares his has drug, alcohol or mental health issues. She clearly is not asking him to leave or asking you for help. The trivia about his kids what she pays for etc is irrelevant.

 

The best thing to do is cut her out of your life and stop socializing with her. When she chooses to be with someone who has a violent arrest record you are foolish to inject yourself in this. Simply tell her you think he's dangerous and you need to distance yourself. Don't let morbid curiosity allow you to stay over-involved in this. If and when she wants/needs help, she knows where to go and who to call.

two domestic violence charges.. She pays for everything.

 

She is aware. He told her that both of these stemmed from his PTSD (which he will not get help for).

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What calamity does she think will befall her if she's "alone"? Does she fear burglars or rapists or someone else bad attacking her? If so, why not invest in a home security system instead of moving a domestic abuser into her home?

 

This is a golden comment. I love it so much!

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What calamity does she think will befall her if she's "alone"? Does she fear burglars or rapists or someone else bad attacking her? If so, why not invest in a home security system instead of moving a domestic abuser into her home?

 

It is indeed a golden comment, bolt has a lot of wisdom.

 

It’s very true. It’s the people who ‘can’t’ be single who are truly in a self made prison because they date out of need instead of adding happiness to their lives, it’s just all around bad, it just stinks because again unril she chooses for herself to change, this is her life, she’s choosing it, try to remember that, you can’t save her, you can be a safe harbor, that she can turn to when she chooses herself but until then like others said your behavior is just borderline enabling.

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