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Thread: Ex reaching out nearly 2 years after

  1. #1
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    Ex reaching out nearly 2 years after

    Ok, so about a year and a half ago my girlfriend broke up with me, since then I've heard from her a few times but then hadn't spoken for months. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and has started contacting me again since, messaging me every day and even when I'm really not interested in a conversation she tries to force one. She's also been sending me old pictures of stuff we did etc and basically tried to reminisce. The other week I told her I was driving to visit an old mutual friend and she's asked to join me (it's a very long trip and I will have to stop off etc).

    She's acting really weirdly though. She started talking about her ex and basically describing how great he was, has talked about a tinder date she's going on, and generally is sharing information you would never usually talk about with an ex. At the same time she's talking about how she's really struggling and emotionally dumping on me. The issue is we have mutual friends and I don't want to look insensitive, especially since she's talking about struggling with depression/struggling to find a job etc.

    Not really sure whether to cut contact entirely or just draw a line in terms of what is appropriate to bring up? Because I really don't need to here about how good her ex is in bed or if she's going on a tinder date, it's weird as hell.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Is this the same ex you wrote pages and pages about a year or two ago? The "bleeping blazer" woman?

    If so, she's doing the same things she always did...right?

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Is this the same ex you wrote pages and pages about a year or two ago?

    If so, she's doing the same things she always did...right?
    It is.


    We haven't spoken in a very long time though, which is why I find it weird. And at no point in the past has she started bringing up who she is currently seeing etc.


    I've tried talking to mutuals about it but they don't really want to get involved.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jeremiahsain
    It is.


    We haven't spoken in a very long time though, which is why I find it weird. And at no point in the past has she started bringing up who she is currently seeing etc.


    I've tried talking to mutuals about it but they don't really want to get involved.
    Of course they don't want to get involved! They saw how decimated you were after the breakup and all the games she played with you.

    To be honest, I'm flabbergasted you have returned to interacting and spending time with her.

    Did you ever follow through with seeking help following that breakup like you mentioned you would? Did you confide in your parents?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    None of this sounds like it really adds anything positive to your life—or, really, to hers. She's doing a thing that people have done for centuries, circling back to a past source of comfort to soften present pain. Not cute and really not so weird, just humanity operating at a less than noble state. If you guys had established a genuine friendship, it would be different. But this? It's kind of just noise and drama, and it's on you to determine how much of it you want to let into your life.

    In your shoes? If I had any sincere interest in a friendship, even a cordial one, I would politely but firmly let her know that you are sorry she is struggling but that you can't be a shoulder to cry on. If she respects that—well, who knows? Maybe you guys find your own version of "cool," in time, if that's even something you're interested in. If she can't? Then you know that "cool" is not something you guys are genuinely capable of.

    Ultimately this is about your own boundaries, not her behavior. "Weird" as she may be being right now, in your eyes, it might also be worth asking if you think it's weird for someone (i.e. you) to play emotional nurse to the person who once broke up with them. You are making that choice right now, after all.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Of course they don't want to get involved! They saw how decimated you were after the breakup and all the games she played with you.

    To be honest, I'm flabbergasted you have returned to interacting and spending time with her.

    Did you ever follow through with seeking help following that breakup like you mentioned you would? Did you confide in your parents?

    Mutual friends didn't really see that, in fairness. I kept a brave face to them because I knew they knew her.


    We haven't spent time together yet, we live a decent distance away from each other so it's just been her messaging me. Like I said she wants to go on this trip to see a friend but that hasn't happened yet.


    I spoke to my parents about it and they helped, and I've been fine for a long time and moved on, but her popping back up has been weird and completely unexpected.


    For some reason I always find it incredibly difficult to just flat out ignore her when she tries to make conversation. I always feel horrendously guilty if I shut her down like I have a couple of times in the past, as I know how fragile her mental state can be.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    None of this sounds like it really adds anything positive to your life—or, really, to hers. She's doing a thing that people have done for centuries, circling back to a past source of comfort to soften present pain. Not cute and really not so weird, just humanity operating at a less than noble state. If you guys had established a genuine friendship, it would be different. But this? It's kind of just noise and drama, and it's on you to determine how much of it you want to let into your life.

    In your shoes? If I had any sincere interest in a friendship, even a cordial one, I would politely but firmly let her know that you are sorry she is struggling but that you can't be a shoulder to cry on. If she respects that—well, who knows? Maybe you guys find your own version of "cool," in time, if that's even something you're interested in. If she can't? Then you know that "cool" is not something you guys are genuinely capable of.

    Ultimately this is about your own boundaries, not her behavior. "Weird" as she may be being right now, in your eyes, it might also be worth asking if you think it's weird for someone (i.e. you) to play emotional nurse to the person who once broke up with them. You are making that choice right now, after all.

    What I find weird is some of the stuff she decides to bring up with an ex, not the fact she wants a shoulder to cry on. I don't get what her intent is with telling me certain things about her ex, or that she's going on a tinder date in a few days. From my own perspective it's stuff I would never even consider mentioning to an ex. She's also brought up meeting up someone who caused issues for our relationship, and I can't imagine she's oblivious to the fact that I don't really need to know that.


    But yeah, it's fair to say that it's weird that I keep talking to her. I seem to have a stupid weak spot when she's in a difficult place and feel unable to reject helping her, which isn't good.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I don't see anything weird about it. She is looking for a shoulder to cry on and you have proven to be a sucker for it in the past. Low lying branches.....

    She isn't wrong either, as here you are talking to her, starting to worry about her and getting sucked right back into drama. So here is a reality check for you. First of all, you are just being used and there is nothing weird, unique, special, or even remotely flattering about it. In fact, you should feel insulted that she sees you as such a doormat. Second, unless you are a licensed psychiatrist, then her depression and other issues are not things you can help fix. These are the sort of things you stay far far far away from.

    This isn't about you being insensitive, this is about you being sensible. Your mutual friends ARE being sensible in stepping away from this brewing mess, so consider following their example. They are demonstrating to you what sense, healthy boundaries, and not being a doormat looks like.

    When an ex comes sniffing around because their life isn't working out like they thought, you quietly laugh and then say NO THANKS loudly and clearly enough for them to delete your number, aka get the message.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jeremiahsain
    What I find weird is some of the stuff she decides to bring up with an ex, not the fact she wants a shoulder to cry on. I don't get what her intent is with telling me certain things about her ex, or that she's going on a tinder date in a few days. From my own perspective it's stuff I would never even consider mentioning to an ex. She's also brought up meeting up someone who caused issues for our relationship, and I can't imagine she's oblivious to the fact that I don't really need to know that.


    But yeah, it's fair to say that it's weird that I keep talking to her. I seem to have a stupid weak spot when she's in a difficult place and feel unable to reject helping her, which isn't good.
    She is treating you like a girlfriend in pants. That's the kind of stuff women chatter about among themselves. Also, yes it's disrespectful to you because you are not her girl friend, you are her ex, but obviously she couldn't care less. When you allow people to use you, they will. Ultimately, this is on you. You can say NO any time you want.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    She is treating you like a girlfriend in pants. That's the kind of stuff women chatter about among themselves. Also, yes it's disrespectful to you because you are not her girl friend, you are her ex, but obviously she couldn't care less. When you allow people to use you, they will. Ultimately, this is on you. You can say NO any time you want.

    Probably a fair assessment. I don't know why I find it so hard when it comes to her to just cut things off, but I always doubt my instincts with regards to her, which were pretty similar to what you're saying.

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