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Ex reaching out nearly 2 years after


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Ok, so about a year and a half ago my girlfriend broke up with me, since then I've heard from her a few times but then hadn't spoken for months. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and has started contacting me again since, messaging me every day and even when I'm really not interested in a conversation she tries to force one. She's also been sending me old pictures of stuff we did etc and basically tried to reminisce. The other week I told her I was driving to visit an old mutual friend and she's asked to join me (it's a very long trip and I will have to stop off etc).

 

She's acting really weirdly though. She started talking about her ex and basically describing how great he was, has talked about a tinder date she's going on, and generally is sharing information you would never usually talk about with an ex. At the same time she's talking about how she's really struggling and emotionally dumping on me. The issue is we have mutual friends and I don't want to look insensitive, especially since she's talking about struggling with depression/struggling to find a job etc.

 

Not really sure whether to cut contact entirely or just draw a line in terms of what is appropriate to bring up? Because I really don't need to here about how good her ex is in bed or if she's going on a tinder date, it's weird as hell.

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Is this the same ex you wrote pages and pages about a year or two ago?

 

If so, she's doing the same things she always did...right?

 

It is.

 

 

We haven't spoken in a very long time though, which is why I find it weird. And at no point in the past has she started bringing up who she is currently seeing etc.

 

 

I've tried talking to mutuals about it but they don't really want to get involved.

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It is.

 

 

We haven't spoken in a very long time though, which is why I find it weird. And at no point in the past has she started bringing up who she is currently seeing etc.

 

 

I've tried talking to mutuals about it but they don't really want to get involved.

 

Of course they don't want to get involved! They saw how decimated you were after the breakup and all the games she played with you.

 

To be honest, I'm flabbergasted you have returned to interacting and spending time with her.

 

Did you ever follow through with seeking help following that breakup like you mentioned you would? Did you confide in your parents?

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None of this sounds like it really adds anything positive to your life—or, really, to hers. She's doing a thing that people have done for centuries, circling back to a past source of comfort to soften present pain. Not cute and really not so weird, just humanity operating at a less than noble state. If you guys had established a genuine friendship, it would be different. But this? It's kind of just noise and drama, and it's on you to determine how much of it you want to let into your life.

 

In your shoes? If I had any sincere interest in a friendship, even a cordial one, I would politely but firmly let her know that you are sorry she is struggling but that you can't be a shoulder to cry on. If she respects that—well, who knows? Maybe you guys find your own version of "cool," in time, if that's even something you're interested in. If she can't? Then you know that "cool" is not something you guys are genuinely capable of.

 

Ultimately this is about your own boundaries, not her behavior. "Weird" as she may be being right now, in your eyes, it might also be worth asking if you think it's weird for someone (i.e. you) to play emotional nurse to the person who once broke up with them. You are making that choice right now, after all.

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Of course they don't want to get involved! They saw how decimated you were after the breakup and all the games she played with you.

 

To be honest, I'm flabbergasted you have returned to interacting and spending time with her.

 

Did you ever follow through with seeking help following that breakup like you mentioned you would? Did you confide in your parents?

 

 

Mutual friends didn't really see that, in fairness. I kept a brave face to them because I knew they knew her.

 

 

We haven't spent time together yet, we live a decent distance away from each other so it's just been her messaging me. Like I said she wants to go on this trip to see a friend but that hasn't happened yet.

 

 

I spoke to my parents about it and they helped, and I've been fine for a long time and moved on, but her popping back up has been weird and completely unexpected.

 

 

For some reason I always find it incredibly difficult to just flat out ignore her when she tries to make conversation. I always feel horrendously guilty if I shut her down like I have a couple of times in the past, as I know how fragile her mental state can be.

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None of this sounds like it really adds anything positive to your life—or, really, to hers. She's doing a thing that people have done for centuries, circling back to a past source of comfort to soften present pain. Not cute and really not so weird, just humanity operating at a less than noble state. If you guys had established a genuine friendship, it would be different. But this? It's kind of just noise and drama, and it's on you to determine how much of it you want to let into your life.

 

In your shoes? If I had any sincere interest in a friendship, even a cordial one, I would politely but firmly let her know that you are sorry she is struggling but that you can't be a shoulder to cry on. If she respects that—well, who knows? Maybe you guys find your own version of "cool," in time, if that's even something you're interested in. If she can't? Then you know that "cool" is not something you guys are genuinely capable of.

 

Ultimately this is about your own boundaries, not her behavior. "Weird" as she may be being right now, in your eyes, it might also be worth asking if you think it's weird for someone (i.e. you) to play emotional nurse to the person who once broke up with them. You are making that choice right now, after all.

 

 

What I find weird is some of the stuff she decides to bring up with an ex, not the fact she wants a shoulder to cry on. I don't get what her intent is with telling me certain things about her ex, or that she's going on a tinder date in a few days. From my own perspective it's stuff I would never even consider mentioning to an ex. She's also brought up meeting up someone who caused issues for our relationship, and I can't imagine she's oblivious to the fact that I don't really need to know that.

 

 

But yeah, it's fair to say that it's weird that I keep talking to her. I seem to have a stupid weak spot when she's in a difficult place and feel unable to reject helping her, which isn't good.

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I don't see anything weird about it. She is looking for a shoulder to cry on and you have proven to be a sucker for it in the past. Low lying branches.....

 

She isn't wrong either, as here you are talking to her, starting to worry about her and getting sucked right back into drama. So here is a reality check for you. First of all, you are just being used and there is nothing weird, unique, special, or even remotely flattering about it. In fact, you should feel insulted that she sees you as such a doormat. Second, unless you are a licensed psychiatrist, then her depression and other issues are not things you can help fix. These are the sort of things you stay far far far away from.

 

This isn't about you being insensitive, this is about you being sensible. Your mutual friends ARE being sensible in stepping away from this brewing mess, so consider following their example. They are demonstrating to you what sense, healthy boundaries, and not being a doormat looks like.

 

When an ex comes sniffing around because their life isn't working out like they thought, you quietly laugh and then say NO THANKS loudly and clearly enough for them to delete your number, aka get the message.

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What I find weird is some of the stuff she decides to bring up with an ex, not the fact she wants a shoulder to cry on. I don't get what her intent is with telling me certain things about her ex, or that she's going on a tinder date in a few days. From my own perspective it's stuff I would never even consider mentioning to an ex. She's also brought up meeting up someone who caused issues for our relationship, and I can't imagine she's oblivious to the fact that I don't really need to know that.

 

 

But yeah, it's fair to say that it's weird that I keep talking to her. I seem to have a stupid weak spot when she's in a difficult place and feel unable to reject helping her, which isn't good.

 

She is treating you like a girlfriend in pants. That's the kind of stuff women chatter about among themselves. Also, yes it's disrespectful to you because you are not her girl friend, you are her ex, but obviously she couldn't care less. When you allow people to use you, they will. Ultimately, this is on you. You can say NO any time you want.

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She is treating you like a girlfriend in pants. That's the kind of stuff women chatter about among themselves. Also, yes it's disrespectful to you because you are not her girl friend, you are her ex, but obviously she couldn't care less. When you allow people to use you, they will. Ultimately, this is on you. You can say NO any time you want.

 

 

Probably a fair assessment. I don't know why I find it so hard when it comes to her to just cut things off, but I always doubt my instincts with regards to her, which were pretty similar to what you're saying.

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If you think your friends didn't notice how devastated you were, you don't have much trust in your friends! I'm sure they noticed. And I'm sure they don't have a high opinion of her.

 

As for why, you have proven time and time again that you'll do anything for her, even if it's not in your best interest. She knows she can get you to do what she wants.

 

Have you told her "no" regarding the trip? I'm guessing you haven't and you won't because you want her to like you so badly.

 

I'm sure you'll continue because you want her so badly, and I'm sure she'll hurt you again. Why you want to be hurt would be something to explore in therapy but I'm guessing you didn't go.

 

It's too bad...there are lots of young women out there who are nice and will not selfishly manipulate you but you'll never meet them as long as you keep yourself attached to this emotional vampire.

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From my own perspective...

 

But she is not you. She's a person onto herself, who can and will make whatever choices she wants. I ride a motorcycle, which from some (many) perspectives is a very dumb thing to do in life. So be it. I like it, makes life better for me.

 

What she's doing? It's the same: choices that make her own life better for her. She's young, still maturing, probably pretty attractive, and so she probably enjoys male attention much the way I enjoy my motorcycle. So she rides it, is riding it.

 

Why you want to be ridden is the real question, because you're getting something out of it as well. Isolate that under bright lights—hint: it's very similar to what she's getting from you—then decide if it's something you really want in this form.

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Probably a fair assessment. I don't know why I find it so hard when it comes to her to just cut things off, but I always doubt my instincts with regards to her, which were pretty similar to what you're saying.

 

It's not that you doubt so much as you don't listen to them. That's a bit of an ego issue. She rejected you and your ego says "get validation from her"....buuut that just sets you up for pain and failure.

 

Anyway, block and delete her from everything - phone, e-mails, social media. Just do it. It will sting, BUT it will finally force you to let go and it will feel good faster than you think. Realizing that you are just fine with letting an ex go at long last is really quite empowering.

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Ok don't be her male-girlfriend or therapist. It would be best to cut this off. Let her talk to her friends, family, doctors, therapists, and job recruiters. You're not responsible for her well being. Become very busy if you don't want to be abrupt about anything.

She recently broke up with her boyfriend and has started contacting me again since, messaging me every day and even when I'm really not interested in a conversation she tries to force one.

 

She started talking about her ex and basically describing how great he was, has talked about a tinder date she's going on, and generally is sharing information you would never usually talk about with an ex. The issue is we have mutual friends and I don't want to look insensitive, especially since she's talking about struggling with depression/struggling to find a job etc.

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I don't know whether to outright block her (which I dunno, I feel would make it look like she was really affecting me, which I don't want) or just clearly state I don't think the trip is a good idea and stop engaging in conversations with her, in which case I assume she'll get the message.

 

What's more important to you? How you look in her eyes, or how you feel in your own skin? Answer that question, and the rest should be obvious.

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What's more important to you? How you look in her eyes, or how you feel in your own skin? Answer that question, and the rest should be obvious.

 

 

 

I guess how I feel but at the same time we have mutuals and I'm self-conscious about the fact that I'll look like the angry ex who isn't over her after 1 and a half years.

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I guess how I feel but at the same time we have mutuals and I'm self-conscious about the fact that I'll look like the angry ex who isn't over her after 1 and a half years.

 

Stop using mutual friends as an excuse. These people already demonstrated to you that they do not wish to get involved and couldn't care less. This is a story you are telling yourself because you are deep down afraid to cut her off. So I'll say again - just do it. Like diving into a cold pool. Much easier just to jump in and then it feels great once you are in and swimming.

 

For the love of find the proverbial balls to cut this chic off already. Tell her no, you are not interested in traveling with her. People respect those who have boundaries and the guts to enforce them. Contrary to what you think, if you continue being this messy guy, you will lose your friends because people get fed up with drama.

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Be honest with yourself if not with us...you won't block her because you hope to get back together with her. You always have hoped.

 

I know there are people who respond to mistreatment by going back for more because they MUST get the person to love them, no matter what. It's unhealthy and self-destructive but they want that person so badly they'll do anything to try to keep them.

 

Again, therapy would help you tremendously.

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Ok then just pare things way down. Unless you are in some way hoping to take the left-overs and re-up the romance? If not, you can be diplomatic as well as clear and firm about trips or listening to her latest dates and drama.

 

If you are chatting daily it already looks like you're not over her.

I'm self-conscious about the fact that I'll look like the angry ex who isn't over her after 1 and a half years.
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Be honest with yourself if not with us...you won't block her because you hope to get back together with her. You always have hoped.

 

I know there are people who respond to mistreatment by going back for more because they MUST get the person to love them, no matter what. It's unhealthy and self-destructive but they want that person so badly they'll do anything to try to keep them.

 

Again, therapy would help you tremendously.

 

 

If I do wanna get back together it's buried deep in my subconscious ... I'm fully aware that it would be a terrible idea and completely impractical. I do think there's still some feelings there that resurfaced after talking etc, but outright wanting to get back together? I'm not so sure.

 

 

I think I'd struggle to actually open up in therapy. I'm not good at talking about stuff like that in person.

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It sounds in her state of chronic depression, drama etc she is easy pickings. However that is not good for you or for her. You claim she is 'emotion dumping" but yet you seem to be getting a lot out of feeling needed by her.

I do think there's still some feelings there that resurfaced after talking etc, but outright wanting to get back together? I'm not so sure.
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