Issues with boundaries

Hello,

 

I am here to ask if I am crazy/ out of my mind.

 

MY boyfriend has been friends with one of his friends for a year longer than he has known me. They had become good/ close friends.

 

Before we started going out, I hung out with them and she was calling him puppy names, being very touchy and got so drunk to the point she slightly threw up on herself and took off her shirt in front of him.

 

Then when my boyfriend and I began to date, she started to speak negatively about me, she was rude towards me through text. He would not defend me. She would also say things like "oh you do not understand how many times you have left me here crying," messages like that.. which I think is strange to text a friend.

 

Then on new years she goes, "Happy new years

 

The reason she doesn't like me was because he began to spend less time with her and thought it was my fault but I think that sort of just happens sometimes, we just spend so much time together.

 

The problem is, I asked for boundaries to be set. I know nothing is going on but it makes me VERY uncomfortable to have a female act this way with my man and on top of that disrespect me and be mean to me. I have expressed this and his response? "There are no boundaries to be set, our boundaries is that we are friends" He does not want to put any boundaries at all and I feel like at this point we are just going in circles.

 

Am I out of line for asking for boundaries or how do I approach this?

No, you're not out of line asking for boundaries. She is trouble, and he doesn't appear to care too much.

 

The problem is that you can ask for boundaries until you are blue in the face, but it won't make any difference if your boyfriend doesn't agree. It sucks, yes, but not much you can do in terms of changing his stance, just as he can't change yours.

 

All you can do now is identify and stick to your own boundaries. Is this a deal-breaker behaviour for you? Are you going to be able to proceed in the relationship if she - and more importantly he - continues to act this way?

You can ask all you want, but if he wanted to create boundaries he would have long ago. Your bf enjoys this cat fight over him and that's that. Strokes his ego. So the real question is are you going to keep demeaning yourself or find a better man?

All you can do now is identify and stick to your own boundaries. Is this a deal-breaker behaviour for you? Are you going to be able to proceed in the relationship if she - and more importantly he - continues to act this way?

 

This ^^^. You've already made your feelings clear, and he has decided that the situation is fine as it is. Effectively he is in a relationship with both of you, and has very little incentive to change. If you're content to stay in an emotional threesome then that's your decision, but this will become more and more difficult as time goes on.

 

You have a choice. You can either stay and eat your heart out, or you can tell him that it's just not working for you - and move on.

 

It will eventually be up to him to decide whether or not this "friend" wrecks all his relationships, but that's not something you can influence - and don't even try.

How long have you been dating? When did it go from a bunch of friends hanging out to you two dating? He is playing both of you, so don't bother with catfights and white knight. Don't interact with people who triangulate (google it)

 

You are just the 'best friend' who he sleeps with. That's the only difference. He's into this so he's not going to respect you or change this. How old is he? They sound quite immature. Forget boundaries or trying to control who is friends are being jealous etc.

 

Simply dump him since you have completely different values and concepts of what a relationship/dating is. Stop hanging out with them and block and delete him, her and all their people from all your messaging apps and social media.

 

MY boyfriend has been friends with one of his friends for a year longer than he has known me.

 

Before we started going out, I hung out with them and she was calling him puppy names, being very touchy and got so drunk to the point she slightly threw up on herself and took off her shirt in front of him.

 

Then when my boyfriend and I began to date, she started to speak negatively about me, she was rude towards me through text. He would not defend me.

 

his response? "There are no boundaries to be set, our boundaries is that we are friends"

When you're regularly upset in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. You voiced your concerns. He doesn't care that you're upset. Why would you stay a second longer with a man who doesn't care? Successful dating means that you cut loose the losers in order to find the keeper. It's definitely time.

It must suck like anything to be in sich a situation, but you can stop this. I dont think people change generally, his values are completely different from what you expect in a relationship.

She's a train wreck. He probably feels guilty for ditching her for you or he's worried what she might do if he completely cuts her off. Maybe she has threatened suicide, or violence against you. Obviously she is volatile, so who knows what she is capable of doing. He hasn't said anything as to not alarm you. IMO there's always a back story, so you are just going to have to do a little more digging. Confront him and ask him these questions.

You asked, he answered and if you stay now after him not willing to act appropriately then its all on you. Frankly, I can't understand why you're still with him. Let her have him.

Hello,

 

The problem is, I asked for boundaries to be set. I know nothing is going on but it makes me VERY uncomfortable to have a female act this way with my man and on top of that disrespect me and be mean to me. I have expressed this and his response? "There are no boundaries to be set, our boundaries is that we are friends"

 

He gave you his answer. He likes that relationship as it is. That's it. Either accept that or break up with him. Those are your choices.

 

Also, just a word of caution to you. Saying stuff like MY boyfriend is sticky territory. People aren't property and unwarranted jealousy isn't attractive. He cannot control what she does any more than YOU can. Nothing has happened and he keeps saying that they are just friends. Why do you feel so insecure with him? Why don't you trust him? You Even SAY YOURSELF that " You KNOW nothing is going on" So, what is the actual problem? Even IF she "hardcore wanted him"- he's not doing anything about it. He's choosing to be with you.

 

You either stay with him or "get over" this friendship with this woman. Or you break up.

He gave you his answer. He likes that relationship as it is. That's it. Either accept that or break up with him. Those are your choices.

Agree.

 

Also, just a word of caution to you. Saying stuff like MY boyfriend is sticky territory. People aren't property and unwarranted jealousy isn't attractive.

Nothing wrong with saying "my boyfriend" if he is indeed her boyfriend. This isn't about "unwanted jealousy" but rather respect to her and the relationship. When you are in a relationship, the dynamics of opposite sex friendships should change... he's unwilling to do any changing nor is he willing to put fundamentals relationship boundaries in place so she's clearly with a poor choice for a life partner.

 

He cannot control what she does any more than YOU can.

No he can't but he could certainly voice to her that she is being inappropriate and he will not be responding to anymore of her hysteria or inappropriate texts to either the Op or him.

 

Nothing has happened and he keeps saying that they are just friends. Why do you feel so insecure with him?

Just because "nothing has happened" it doesn't mean she should have to put of with this chicas inappropriate texts to her boyfriend or herself. She should leave if he won't put a stop to it. She certainly shouldn't allow herself to be disrespected as you have implied she should. People should love themselves enough to exit from situations where they are not being shown value... not just accept it while they are hurt and devalued.

Hello,

 

The problem is, I asked for boundaries to be set. I know nothing is going on but it makes me VERY uncomfortable to have a female act this way with my man and on top of that disrespect me and be mean to me. I have expressed this and his response? "There are no boundaries to be set, our boundaries is that we are friends"

 

He gave you his answer. He likes that relationship as it is. That's it. Either accept that or break up with him. Those are your choices.

 

Also, just a word of caution to you. Saying stuff like MY boyfriend is sticky territory. People aren't property and unwarranted jealousy isn't attractive. He cannot control what she does any more than YOU can. Nothing has happened and he keeps saying that they are just friends. Why do you feel so insecure with him? Why don't you trust him? You Even SAY YOURSELF that " You KNOW nothing is going on" So, what is the actual problem? Even IF she "hardcore wanted him"- he's not doing anything about it. He's choosing to be with you.

 

You either stay with him or "get over" this friendship with this woman. Or you break up.

He gave you his answer. He likes that relationship as it is. That's it. Either accept that or break up with him. Those are your choices.

Agree.

 

Also, just a word of caution to you. Saying stuff like MY boyfriend is sticky territory. People aren't property and unwarranted jealousy isn't attractive.

Nothing wrong with saying "my boyfriend" if he is indeed her boyfriend. This isn't about "unwanted jealousy" but rather respect to her and the relationship. When you are in a relationship, the dynamics of opposite sex friendships should change... he's unwilling to do any changing nor is he willing to put fundamentals relationship boundaries in place so she's clearly with a poor choice for a life partner.

 

He cannot control what she does any more than YOU can.

No he can't but he could certainly voice to her that she is being inappropriate and he will not be responding to anymore of her hysteria or inappropriate texts to either the Op or him.

 

Nothing has happened and he keeps saying that they are just friends. Why do you feel so insecure with him?

Just because "nothing has happened" it doesn't mean she should have to put of with this chicas inappropriate texts to her boyfriend or herself. She should leave if he won't put a stop to it. She certainly shouldn't allow herself to be disrespected as you have implied she should. People should love themselves enough to exit from situations where they are not being shown value... not just accept it while they are hurt and devalued.

The other unpleasant factor to face is that when your SO's friends, especially opposite sex friends, feel free to openly disrespect you, it's only because your SO already set that tone behind your back. Your SO's friends are reflecting to you what your SO's real attitude is toward you.

 

The friends can say whatever because they already know that they aren't risking losing the friendship. That you are already learning the hard way as he told you pretty much the same. He is happy with the situation and you can either put up and shut up (do not recommend) or leave him (highly recommended and encouraged).

I think it's great and often highly beneficial to have close platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex for straight couples. With two conditions: first no going on dates with that person -meaning appearance of impropriety like a romantic restaurant on a weekend night, a night out clubbing/partying one on one. Second that person needs to be supportive of the relationship and the other person in the couple has to have the opportunity to meet and hang out with that person whether or not it actually happens. Those would be my boundaries, always have been for the last 30 plus years. In my opinion his relationship with her is inappropriate because he is in a committed relationship. He's not cheating, but it's inappropriate.

These are his relationships and he has told you they are not going to change. That leaves you in the position to decide if it's something you want to accept. It sounds like it's making you very unhappy. It's probably best for you to move on. There's a lot of drama coming from his friend and as long as you are with him, you will only continue to be subjected to it.

No you're not out line nor unreasonable to request boundaries. Two's company three's a crowd.

 

I wouldn't approve if my husband were chummy with another female. Some women don't have qualms but I certainly do.

 

Since your boyfriend refuses to budge, nothing will change. You either have to tolerate his terms or find a guy who will be completely devoted and loyal to you ~ without any funny business on the side. In other words, find a guy who has honor and integrity even when you're not with him.

He enjoys the attention, plus he does not respect you.

 

I would have been done when I found out he did not defend my character.

 

OP, where are your boundaries? I suggest you find another bf.