Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Getting Over Resentment Towards Former FWB/Best Friend

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    3

    Getting Over Resentment Towards Former FWB/Best Friend

    Hi everyone,

    It is my first post here and a bit long, sorry about that.

    To summarize, I was attracted to my best friend but kept it to myself. We are both in our late 20s and have been best friends for a couple of years, and known each other for 7 years. He started flirting with me after his on again off again 4 year old relationship ended. Theirs was mostly a long distance relationship, me and her did know each other much. After about 2 months of flirting, we talked about it and decided to try dating.

    After two weeks, he told me he loved me but was not in love with me. He did not know why he started flirting with me, just found me attractive and wanted to act on it. He wanted to see if it would be more but did not feel committed after we started. He still wanted to go on dates or vacations with me, and sex was great between us, but he did not want to risk our friendship by entering a relationship when he was not in love, and did not want to stay monogamous to someone he did not love after getting out of a loving relationship. He also did not feel ready to flirt with anyone yet, said I was the only one he could approach. He did not try to meet anyone, and felt cold when someone flirted with him when we were together. I think he is still like that.

    I should have stopped it then but it evolved into friends with benefits with exclusivity which lasted for 4 months. I was the one who finished it.

    Now I know it is great that he told it before I got more attached, and I can even understand him a bit but I still feel hurt and rejected. I am angry that he acted without thinking, that he thought his nonexistent feelings would change only after sex when we knew each other so much, that he thought only a relationship would risk our friendship and sex or dating would not. Am I right to insist he had to really think on his feelings before approaching me? Or am I overthinking about it? We talked about my emotions and my feeling hurt, he apologized sincerely but does not think he mistreated me, or it was a rebound for him.

    It has been 3 months since we went back to being just friends but letting go of my negative feelings is hard. The initial pain is gone and I sometimes feel totally fine. But sometimes anger and hurt comes back. My attraction to him is gone, but unfortunately my respect and trust for him as my best friend also have diminished. I don’t even know how I will feel when he gets a new girlfriend, I am afraid I will compare myself to her. I sometimes feel annoyed with him and bitter, but sometimes I have no problems with him and feel normal. It feels tiring to have these mood swings. I just want to let it go and stop being this bitter or resentful.

    Would appreciate advice on how to achieve this because obviously I am not very good at it. Thanks very much.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,601
    I don't want to minimize your hurt and disappointed feelings, but you are a grown woman and you did have freedom of choice.
    You didn't have to get involved with him on an intimate level. It does sound as though he was fair about everything, after all, he did tell you before anything even started that he wasn't in love with you and wanted a more friends with benefits scenario.
    You could have said no.

    It obviously was disappointing for you that it didn't turn into a love affair and I am sorry you had to go through the pain of it. But how you described everything, it sounds like you were 2 consenting adults and he was honest right from the get go.

    If you still find it too difficult to be friends that's your choice, after all, that's the risk you take when you get involved with a friend. I hope he respects your decision if that's what you choose.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    3
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I don't want to minimize your hurt and disappointed feelings, but you are a grown woman and you did have freedom of choice.
    You didn't have to get involved with him on an intimate level. It does sound as though he was fair about everything, after all, he did tell you before anything even started that he wasn't in love with you and wanted a more friends with benefits scenario.
    You could have said no.

    It obviously was disappointing for you that it didn't turn into a love affair and I am sorry you had to go through the pain of it. But how you described everything, it sounds like you were 2 consenting adults and he was honest right from the get go.

    If you still find it too difficult to be friends that's your choice, after all, that's the risk you take when you get involved with a friend. I hope he respects your decision if that's what you choose.
    Yes, I know he cares about me deeply, that is why I do not want to stop our friendship but seeking for how to get over the pain of rejection. It is difficult when I continue to see him daily. Hope time will lessen it without causing too much pain.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,601
    Right now, you should be focusing on your own healing and not worrying about his feelings. He's fine, he doesn't have disappointment or any heartache...you do.

    You need to step back right now and spend time away from him until you feel comfortable enough to see him without anymore upset. That could take several months.
    If he's your friend at all, he will understand and give you the space you need.

    Stop seeing him daily. It's not doing you any good and this is not about pleasing him.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,601
    You'll know when you've fully healed if you are able to see and talk to him again and not be bothered by him either having a girlfriend or wanting a girlfriend who is not you.

    Until that day comes, you're not ready to see him or spend time with him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    38,539
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. He's not your friend if he's using you as backup or when he's "off" with his gf or in between gfs.

    You need to cut him off . Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. This way you make room for real friends and guys who do want to date you.
    Originally Posted by SRS
    He started flirting with me after his on again off again 4 year old relationship ended.
    After two weeks, he told me he loved me but was not in love with me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,223
    Originally Posted by SRS
    Yes, I know he cares about me deeply, that is why I do not want to stop our friendship but seeking for how to get over the pain of rejection. It is difficult when I continue to see him daily. Hope time will lessen it without causing too much pain.
    That needs to stop. The pain won't go away if you continue to see him so much. You can't have it both ways.

    You two took a huge risk getting involved sexually, which was bound to change the dynamic of your friendship. It won't go back to the way it was before. Not for a long while. If you insist on seeing him so frequently, understand that you're not doing enough to help yourself overcome this.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    4,127
    Gender
    Female
    You two crossed the line, and similar to an old saying goes, you can't go home again. Neither of your new partners will be okay with you two being best friends, being in contact daily and hanging out, when they find out you two were intimate. Even if no sex happened, many new partner's aren't comfortable with their significant other having a bestie of the opposite sex. It's just a different dynamic. These friendships are common in youth, but usually have an expiration date as people move on into a new stage of life, when they enter into a serious relationship, and that old friendship usually gets shoved to the back burner, or fades away entirely.

    Humans make mistakes all the time. He did and you did. With time and distance away from him, those feelings will fade. You won't like my advice, but this relationship was bound to end no matter how you look at it, so nows a good time to cold turkey so you can start day one of closure.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,697
    Gender
    Female
    Unfortunately, this was never a genuine friendship. What I mean is that you were always attracted to him and as much as you think you kept it to yourself, he was aware you are attracted. Add to this mix his on/off relationship and that tells you that he is not the best guy and has attachment issues. It all came to a boil when he decided to use you as a rebound. You were literally the lowest and easiest branch to grab.

    The rest is just the usual. You were and have always been way more into him in all respects, he was never that into you. You thought this would go somewhere, he was only looking to get under you to get over his ex.

    Do yourself a favor - this is not your best friend or any kind of a friend. The situation between you and him was always murky at best and you were way more invested than him. Now that you know he'll happily use you, drop him. Stop talking to him daily, just stop. Time to take off the pink goggles and see him for who he is, which is not a very nice person. You feel angry because your own gut and common sense are telling you same. You aren't supposed to silence that, you need to act on that and use that to help you move away from this person. This is toxic for you and you need to get away from it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,482
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry about this.

    I think you'll find your resentment and anger toward him will lessen with some time and space, if you can give yourself that, and also by holding yourself accountable for your own choices rather than focusing on what choices of his strike you as unfair or thoughtless. Because, all in all, the choices made are really just human, on both ends.

    Whatever the circumstances of romance—meeting from an app, crossing lines with a friend—it requires two adults, with free will, and is always a risk. It doesn't always work out as we hope—in fact, it most often doesn't—but that isn't something that is done to you by another person, minus the most extreme of situations. More of a sad thing that happens, often, between people.

    You'd wanted this for a long time, it seems, and it's worth reflecting on whether that allowed for this friendship to be a genuine one. The answer to that will likely come in time, and will present itself by a reestablished friendship—or, perhaps, by letting this go and, with it, letting go of the instinct to get into future friendships that you engage in while longing, on some level, for "more." Those connections can be fun and spicy, if less than nourishing.

    People minutes out of breakups tend to be vulnerable, all over the map emotionally. They want to fill the void, but they're in a limited state emotionally. High risk, in short, and most of us have a lesson or two (or three or twelve) that teaches us to step back when someone (friend or new encounter) in the throes of heartache is stepping toward us, flirting with us, and so on. In the scheme of your life, perhaps, you can come to thank him and this chapter for that lesson: a hard one, but an important one.

    Anyhow, I don't have as black and white a take on these entanglements as others. Give yourself time and you'll know if you can be friends, or not. Both are wins, so long as you are honest with your own feelings. But if you don't give yourself that time and space—well, then you are the one, not him, making choices that hurt your feelings.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •