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Can't walk away from fwb


Nancy1971

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I've had this fwb for awhile now, going 6 years this year. We live far away from each other, like thousands of miles away. We only really get together at least once or twice a year. At first i thought i could handle us just being like this but i caught feelings which is a no no. I go through moments when i feel so hurt because i know it's not going anywhere and that he doesn't want a normal relationship with me. I do get out of that moment and everything's fine but sometimes i catch too much feelings i feel really hurt. I've read a lot of articles on fwb and I've attempted to walk away many times yet i can't do it. I have to admit that the sex with him is what's holding me back. We have such a great and fun sex life and I'm afraid that i may not be able to meet someone who i can be totally comfortable with in bed. What do i do?

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You stop having sex with him. That's really the only thing you can do. You can walk away, but you don't want to. There's a significant between the two. Remember that you always have an option to put an end to this.

 

You say you're comfortable in bed with him, yet you have only been with him maybe once or twice a year. That doesn't sound satisfying at all. While the sex might be good when it happens, I think it's your feelings keeping you stuck and over-estimating his prowess in the bedroom.

 

If you need further motivation, ask yourself how you'll feel when he gets a girlfriend and stops sleeping with you altogether. Do you know if he's currently sleeping with others? I would assume he likely is, as only having sex once or twice a year isn't going to scratch the itch for most healthy males.

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The good news is you're not elusive, he's thousands of miles away and you only see him a couple times a year. This means to you can start meeting and messaging and having all the sex you want with local guys. This "fwb" is likely doing the same.

We live far away from each other, like thousands of miles away. We only really get together at least once or twice a year.

. We have such a great and fun sex life and I'm afraid that i may not be able to meet someone who i can be totally comfortable with in bed. What do i do?

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Why are you psychologically sabotaging yourself? Can't walk away? No, anything is possible when you set your mind to it. Afraid you won't feel comfortable with anyone else in bed? Nobody's comfortable until getting to know another well. It's the fun of exploration that will get you there.

 

I agree with Hollyj that you are choosing not to be emotionally vulnerable to explore real, local relationships. What are your barriers to doing this? I'm assuming you need to work on your self esteem until you realize you're worth someone who shares your dating goals, and then go for it. Try Meetup.com as a good way to meet single guys your age.

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Hello and thanks for the reply. I ask him and i take his word that he's not having sex with others. We had that agreement to be exclusive yet i know ive broken that before. He works so much. He hangs out with his buddies a lot at the bar. His place is a mess to bring a girl home.

 

Even though we dont see each other often, the sex we have when we get together gets me through for a few months. I masturbate when the need arises.

 

He pays half of my airfare when i go see him. Once in a while i would ask that golden question if he is having sex somewhere else and he gets annoyed and say same different day. He has told me that if he is, he will not be seeing me. It costs him at least $150 every time i visit him for the airfare and then i stay with him.and we do stuff like dinner, etc. Why would he want to waste that money on me when he can just get someone else local?

 

Yah i know its my feelings that's holding me back. Some days are better than others though. When i do ask him if he's doing someone else, i actually would love to hear a Yes from him. Its gonna hurt but i think it's gonna help me a lot.

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I was in a 9 yr relationship before. We got engaged but ended up breaking up. I was devastated. There was no 3rd party. Since then, i started thinking that all guys are the same. Ive been over him but i have not had a normal relationship since then. The closest i could have is a fwb relationship.

 

This reply is meant for Holly. Thank u for the reply.

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Hello and thanks for the reply. I ask him and i take his word that he's not having sex with others. We had that agreement to be exclusive yet i know ive broken that before. He works so much. He hangs out with his buddies a lot at the bar. His place is a mess to bring a girl home.

 

Even though we dont see each other often, the sex we have when we get together gets me through for a few months. I masturbate when the need arises.

 

He pays half of my airfare when i go see him. Once in a while i would ask that golden question if he is having sex somewhere else and he gets annoyed and say same different day. He has told me that if he is, he will not be seeing me. It costs him at least $150 every time i visit him for the airfare and then i stay with him.and we do stuff like dinner, etc. Why would he want to waste that money on me when he can just get someone else local?

 

Yah i know its my feelings that's holding me back. Some days are better than others though. When i do ask him if he's doing someone else, i actually would love to hear a Yes from him. Its gonna hurt but i think it's gonna help me a lot.

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I grew a lot sexwise with him. I think my sex with him is the best sex ive had in my life. It may not be often but i treasure every moment i have with him. Throught why give up a good thing? Yes i get hurt but feelings are temporary. They go away.

 

Re0ly for poor little fish. Thanks for the reply.

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Thanks for the reply Wiseman

 

I actually do a variety of stuff to keep me afloat until the next time i get together with him. I dont like to sleep around yet i go online and meet guys who can satisfy me somehow even if its just sexting or phone sex sometimes. I think dating is like a waste of time sometimes.

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I've had this fwb for awhile now, going 6 years this year. We live far away from each other, like thousands of miles away. We only really get together at least once or twice a year. At first i thought i could handle us just being like this but i caught feelings which is a no no. I go through moments when i feel so hurt because i know it's not going anywhere and that he doesn't want a normal relationship with me. I do get out of that moment and everything's fine but sometimes i catch too much feelings i feel really hurt. I've read a lot of articles on fwb and I've attempted to walk away many times yet i can't do it. I have to admit that the sex with him is what's holding me back. We have such a great and fun sex life and I'm afraid that i may not be able to meet someone who i can be totally comfortable with in bed. What do i do?

 

What do you do? You go see a therapist to find out why you're so afraid of commitment that you'd hook up with a douche two times a year that keeps you from being open in heart and mind to find an actual life mate. You are afraid of commitment to the nth degree and you use good sex as an excuse to stay single while living in heart ache as you withdrawl from your addiction to him after ever session.

 

Please grow up and get the help you need to rehab from said addiction. You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette.

 

Thanks for the reply Wiseman

 

I actually do a variety of stuff to keep me afloat until the next time i get together with him. I dont like to sleep around yet i go online and meet guys who can satisfy me somehow even if its just sexting or phone sex sometimes. I think dating is like a waste of time sometimes.

... and even more evidence of your fear of commitment. ^^^

 

BTW: Your naive to the nth degree as well if you think that a grown-arse man is only having sex two times a year. pffft.

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When you genuinely want a deep, loving, and mutually vulnerable relationship I think you'll have no problem letting this go. As it stands? It kind of sounds to me like a relationship that validates your fear of being in a relationship and your belief that "all guys" are the same—meaning they are, as he is, bad for you.

 

Why would he spend $150 one or twice a year? You just have to look in the mirror to answer that question. He enjoys it. When he wants something different, he will invest in that.

 

In your shoes, I would consider talking this out with a therapist. You are, after all, living the one life you have, and what you're doing with him is a bit like eating candy in hopes of becoming healthier. You can try to come up with stories that turn the candy into a salad—stories about how sex a few times a year is "great"—but sugar is sugar is sugar: not a healthy diet, with your post here a sign of malnourishment.

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Thank you all again for your reply. All you guys are correct. It's a fight that ive had with myself for awhile now. I recently have a kissing buddy for looe a couple of months now going 3. For me this is a really good distraction. I also have someone who has been wanting to get together with me coz he has liked me for a very long time. Unfortunately, these 2 men are taken. I have not done anything with the guy who wants to get together with me yet ive been making out a lot with my kissing buddy during lunch at work. I know what im doing is wrong yet i still do it. About that fwb who lives far away, i really hope ill get over these stupid feelings i have for him one day.

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Thank you all again for your reply. All you guys are correct. It's a fight that ive had with myself for awhile now. I recently have a kissing buddy for looe a couple of months now going 3. For me this is a really good distraction. I also have someone who has been wanting to get together with me coz he has liked me for a very long time. Unfortunately, these 2 men are taken. I have not done anything with the guy who wants to get together with me yet ive been making out a lot with my kissing buddy during lunch at work. I know what im doing is wrong yet i still do it. About that fwb who lives far away, i really hope ill get over these stupid feelings i have for him one day.

Get the help you need. You have a problem with commitment and you are disrespecting yourself over and over again.

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You keep getting involved with men who can't give you a relationship. Why is that? Why would you settle for a lunch-break kissing buddy? That's for junior-high kids, not grown adults. Don't you feel you deserve more?

 

As for your FWB, I would operate under the assumption that he (like you) sometimes breaks the promise to be sexually exclusive. I can't imagine he genuinely only has sex once or twice a year, especially considering her doesn't have romantic feelings for you. He doesn't have the romantic attachment that can sometimes prevent us from seeking out other sexual partners.

 

You have to start asking for more of yourself, here. And that includes letting go of dead-end situations, such as with all three of the guys you've described in this thread.

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About that fwb who lives far away, i really hope ill get over these stupid feelings i have for him one day.

 

You're not going to get over these feelings with "hope," since that's just an excuse to keep indulging in the feelings and behavior that fuels them. It would be like me telling you I really "hope" that "one day" I'll get over being broke before heading to the bar or racetrack instead of, you know, applying for a job.

 

These other guys? No, neither are "really good" distractions. Both are participating in forms of infidelity, reinforcing an idea that men—and, of course, yourself—are "bad." So, again, if what you sincerely want is romance and connection that plays out in the sun, rather than the shade, you're going to have to move your own feet out of the shade.

 

Therapy can help with this. Right now you are romanticizing shady behavior and seeking out shady people, but once you demystify that it'll lose its allure. A magnet is very mysterious to a child, for instance, but to adults? We know how magnets work, so it's just two charged pieces of metal that stick together. Kind of interesting, sure, but hardly a miracle.

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I was in a 9 yr relationship before. We got engaged but ended up breaking up. I was devastated. There was no 3rd party. Since then, i started thinking that all guys are the same. Ive been over him but i have not had a normal relationship since then. The closest i could have is a fwb relationship.

 

This reply is meant for Holly. Thank u for the reply.

 

Have you considered counseling?

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Why do you think you dislike yourself so much?

 

I can't imagine a woman with a healthy self image would participate in a two times per year sex only arrangement along with being the side plaything of two men who are in relationships.

 

I used to think like you do...that a man must REALLY LIKE me if he put in an effort. I was involved with a man who drove 4 hours round trip to see me. I cited this as proof he REALLY LIKED me. And my male friends told me "4 hours round trip for guaranteed sex? That's nothing. Any guy would do that for a sure thing".

 

$150 to get some sex is nothing.

 

Again, why are you your own worst enemy? I get that you had a disappointing relationship in the past but no, all people (including men AND woman) are not "the same".

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Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate you taking your time to write your feedback. I am aware that the person that needs to be blame for getting myself in this situation is myself. I do love myself yet i do things that hurt myself emotionally. I admit im weak when it comes to emotions. Very weak actually. I do know what to do yet my heart contradicts with my brain.

I dont want much. I just wanna love and be loved even if its just a little.

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Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate you taking your time to write your feedback. I am aware that the person that needs to be blame for getting myself in this situation is myself. I do love myself yet i do things that hurt myself emotionally. I admit im weak when it comes to emotions. Very weak actually. I do know what to do yet my heart contradicts with my brain.

I dont want much. I just wanna love and be loved even if its just a little.

 

If that's what you want, then why are you fooling around with guys who have partners-which is terrible- and staying in contact with some long distance dude that you bang two tines a year. That makes no sense at all!

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Ok so you are into satisfying kinks but not relationships. That's fine, especially since you are not emotionally over your last relationship. Random sex allows you to feel desired without being involved. It this your profession or just an itch you need to scratch for attention?

i go online and meet guys who can satisfy me somehow even if its just sexting or phone sex sometimes. I think dating is like a waste of time sometimes.
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Thank you all again for your reply. All you guys are correct. It's a fight that ive had with myself for awhile now. I recently have a kissing buddy for looe a couple of months now going 3. For me this is a really good distraction. I also have someone who has been wanting to get together with me coz he has liked me for a very long time. Unfortunately, these 2 men are taken. I have not done anything with the guy who wants to get together with me yet ive been making out a lot with my kissing buddy during lunch at work. I know what im doing is wrong yet i still do it. About that fwb who lives far away, i really hope ill get over these stupid feelings i have for him one day.

 

You don't have to get over any feelings. Feelings are feelings. You choose how to react to them. My son is 10. I am doubling down on not letting him have what he wants if his reaction to my saying no is to scream at me/whine, etc. I can tell his reaction is totally impulsive but that doesn't mean it's ok for him to treat me (or anyone else if that should happen) in that way. So I noticed over the last day he is showing more self control when he feels upset or frustrated and he even told me proudly that he didn't react in an unhealthy way when he felt irrationally fearful of something. He felt it and then went about his day. So please don't indulge in the excuse that somehow like a car wash your feelings will be washed away. You do and act in ways you can control -your reactions to feelings so that your reaction is consistent with this self-esteem you say you have. It's really tough sometimes -for me too -but so worth it.

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I do know what to do yet my heart contradicts with my brain.

 

Where therapy is great, at the risk of beating the same drum, is that it can help you understand that everything you're talking about is in your brain. The whole notion of "the heart," as implied here, is an invention of the human brain, after all. Emotions? Those are things experienced by the brain, while the heart is a foot or so south pumping blood through the body. How we react to those emotions? Again, the brain pulls those strings and presses those buttons as well.

 

Replace the romantic habits you are rationalizing with a kind of doomed poetry with another bad habit. Drinking in the morning, say, or spending twice what you make while the debt collectors hound you. Saying "the heart wants what it wants" in that context is not the cutest look, you know?

 

You are making choices, and have been for what sounds like many years, that are at diametric odds with seeking genuine love, even just a little bit, or loving yourself enough to invite that into your life. Those choices are being made by your brain, not heart, and if you can find some romance seeing that, and challenging yourself to untangle some mental knots, I think you'll find that this thing you're calling your heart will be much, much more satisfied. You'll fall in love with a few more shades of yourself—the shades that I think you struggle to love at the moment—and become open another person loving you the same way.

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