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Thread: Breaking NC in mutual break up

  1. #1

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    Breaking NC in mutual break up

    Hi all

    Towards the end of last year me and my ex boyfriend broke up after a year and a half relationship as he started to get distant and when I asked he said he wasn't sure he was in love with me anymore but still had romantic feelings. He wanted to stay in the relationship in the hope the feelings would come back but I didn't want my time being wasted and hastily said that perhaps it was best we broke up. He agreed so i guess it was a mutual break up?

    I've really started to miss him recently although I felt fine at first it's really started to hit me. The only time we've had contact/seen each other is giving each other our stuff back.

    I really want to talk to him as I worry I was too hasty but I feel like I had a good enough reason. My friends keep saying that he should be the one breaking NC as he was the one who claimed to not love me.

    He's a very quiet guy so I don't really expect him to ever contact me first.

    I still have a bit of hope left that maybe he was wrong about his feelings (he suffers from depression and has very low moods)

    I want to tell him I miss him. Even if he says he is over me at least I know where I stand and maybe this will help me move on.

    What does everyone else think?

  2. #2
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    In terms of having a different outcome, I don't think you breaking No Contact is going make much difference.

    He'd evidently been pulling away for a while. You were simply the one expedite what was probably the inevitable end of the relationship. His depression might have contributed, yes, but if it was to the extent that he doubted his feelings, he's not in a place to be dating right now anyway.

    I think the only thing that breaking No Contact will do is make you feel worse when you don't get the response you'd hoped for. Are you emotionally prepared for it?

  3. #3

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    In terms of having a different outcome, I don't think you breaking No Contact is going make much difference.

    He'd evidently been pulling away for a while. You were simply the one expedite what was probably the inevitable end of the relationship. His depression might have contributed, yes, but if it was to the extent that he doubted his feelings, he's not in a place to be dating right now anyway.

    I think the only thing that breaking No Contact will do is make you feel worse when you don't get the response you'd hoped for. Are you emotionally prepared for it?
    I just feel like I have nothing to lose really. I just want to know 100% that there will never ever be a chance of us getting back together. I've tried to date other people but I just know in the back of my mind if my ex was to come back the new person would be dumped, which obviously wouldn't be fair on the, hence why I'm not dating anyone else right now

  4. #4
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    I think that if he loved you, he would have made contact. You will feel worse after you reach out.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    (he suffers from depression and has very low moods)
    Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that isn't emotionally capable of being in one? This isn't like you were together or married for years and he has a new diagnosis of depression that would fall under the "to death do us part" or "in sickness and in health" dictum.


    You did the right thing in breaking up with him so don't let your "missing him" cause you to make a mistake that could lead you into a dysfunctional relationship of codependency and caretaking (which is the opposite of caregiving).

    You can do better and with continued zero contact you will soon be open in heart and mind to find the "better."

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I presume you haven't changed your cell phone number or any of your other contact information since the breakup.

    If that's the case, he knows how and is able to get ahold of you. He wasn't "quiet" enough to have a relationship with you or communicate with you while you were together, so it's unlikely that "quietness" will prevent him from contacting you if he misses you and wants to reach out to see if you'd like to reconcile.

    And you do have something to lose. I know that people who desperately want to make contact will come up with all kinds of excuses why it's a great idea, but bottom line is if you reach out and he leaves you on "read", or if he says he hopes you're doing well but he thinks it's best you stay broken up (or some variation thereof), or if he messages back non-committal nonsense such as "hello, I'm fine, how are you?", you will end up feeling worse. You'll feel silly because you put yourself out there and he rejected you or didn't give you any answers. OR, a text conversation will ensue but nothing of substance will be discussed and it could go on for WEEKS.

    I recommend not reaching out, but I feel like you've already decided it's a good idea. I just hope you can withstand whatever the response or lack thereof is (and I know, you'll say you'll be fine but you don't truly know how it will hit you if it's not the answer you're hoping for...)

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You may get back together but he may pull this "he started to get distant and when I asked he said he wasn't sure he was in love with me anymore" stunt again Begging him to come back will only launch you into an on/off situation.

    Do you really want to be with someone who does't love you? Often that line means they are bored and met someone else. You as well should be busy with your life and dating others. What you have to lose is being with someone who is indifferent to you and hasn't missed you at all.
    Originally Posted by bunnyhun
    I just feel like I have nothing to lose really. I just want to know 100% that there will never ever be a chance of us getting back together.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He said he wasn't sure he was in love with you. Romantic feelings mean absolutely nothing if there is no love behind it. No sense remaining in a relationship while hoping those feelings will resume. That doesn't make any sense and it's overly melodramatic. I agree with you, I wouldn't have wasted anymore time and energy on a man who didn't have his act together. Yes, since he agreed to break up, it was indeed a MUTUAL breakup.

    Stop daydreaming of rekindling contact with him. It's over. Also, he suffers from depression and mood swings. Steer clear and let him work on his mental health. He's not your responsibility.

    No sense telling him you miss him. Remember he's not sure if he loves you anymore which should be a huge red flag in your brain. Stop obsessing over a man who is not willing to sincerely devote his life to you. He's not worth it. You deserve better.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bunnyhun
    I just feel like I have nothing to lose really. I just want to know 100% that there will never ever be a chance of us getting back together.
    I think you've answered your own question. Many of us have reached out to an ex at one point or another, and we didn't die from it. It usually ends up teaching us exactly why the ex became and ex in the first place, but not everyone learns well from warnings from others without sticking our hand in the flame to see what happens.

    So self teaching is not against the law, it's often just the long road and the hard way to cement what we already know but don't want to believe.

    I'd consider why I'd want to settle for someone who's so absorbed with negativity and depression that he'd be incapable of offering the kind of love that I desire. Do I believe that I don't deserve true simpatico with someone who 'gets me' and is wild about me? Am I too negative myself to adopt the patience and resilience to hold out for that?

    Your own reasons for wanting to test the waters are private, and nobody here has a crystal ball. I hope you'll let us know how it goes, and if you don't get the results you want, maybe you'll be willing to discuss ways to move your focus onto the great simpatico stuff instead.

    Head high, and fingers crossed for you.

  11. #10
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    It is time to move on. He was honest in telling you that he just isnt that into you. There is nothing else for you to take away from that situation. You deserve to have a guy that loves you, and loves everything about you. You are in a predicament where you care more for him than he does you. And like everyone else here has said, if he wanted to make contact with you, he would have. He is moving forward without you and it is time for you to do the same. Good luck to you.


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