Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 5 of 5 FirstFirst ... 2345
Results 41 to 47 of 47

Thread: Long term bf stayed out all night

  1. #41
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    17
    Thanks Batya! That makes a lot of sense. By stages I meant detangling the two conversations - lack of communication last night vs the future. I dont want to make one seem like it influenced the other.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,650
    Gender
    Male
    It there a cultural difference? Were either of you in relationships before?

    Problem is he's not your husband, not even fiance. You simply have a live-in bf who mooches off of you. Why can't he and his family finance his education? Why is he still in college at his age? Has he ever lived alone or been financially independent? You are not married all he a offers is talk and pipe-dreams about his family's house.

    Therefore your supporting him is basically money and your future down the drain. He may stick around, you may eventually be able to have kids with him...but then what? It sounds like you want him around believing his 'poor me I got screwed' stories and stories about how the honey will flow if/when his father dies. This is all talk. This isn't about "I have a job, so all is well".

    So basically instead of a ring or a legal commitment, what you actually have is someone who gives you a lot of talk, spends every other weekend partying with friends, and lies about his whereabouts when he's out all night and knows he can sleep it off and get a hug and a credit card for doing this.. When he's done with his education you he's move on to a younger model.
    Originally Posted by irisesdontcr
    Aren't there many house husbands who take care of the house primarily while their SO works? Or couples where one supports the other completely while they pursue some degree ?

    His family scrwd him over and it ended up collapsing. But he was doing really well with it and managing school before they got involved. We were flush with capital and he splurged so much on me/us since he could.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,643
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by irisesdontcr
    If he walks away he would have nothing, and will probably lose his dads house . If someone didnt help him out he would be $$$ in debt with loans just for living expenses.
    I think he can almost say the same thing about you. Except he'll say it about marriage and kids, not money. If you walk away, you'd have nothing, too. You'd have to start over and take your chances with a new guy to get your marriage and children.

    Each of you holds hostage what the other one needs.

    Originally Posted by irisesdontcr
    By stages I meant detangling the two conversations - lack of communication last night vs the future. I dont want to make one seem like it influenced the other.
    Why not??

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,650
    Gender
    Male
    Agree, when he's ready to marry and have kids he'll find someone after his free education you're providing. When he starts working he won't need you and he'll leave. You can wag your finger at him "bad boy" but that won't change the fact that he's on a free ride while you have nothing, not even a written agreement that he'll pay you back.

    He already has no respect for you, your money, your feelings, your future desires or your concerns. If he did he would not be out prowling all night in Tijuana with his buddies and blow you off spending your money. Blow off marriage (to you) and simply coast along while you pay his fare. BTW, he can find a new sugar-mama at any time.
    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    You'd have to start over and take your chances with a new guy to get your marriage and children.

  5.  

  6. #45
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,918
    Originally Posted by irisesdontcr
    Thanks Batya! That makes a lot of sense. By stages I meant detangling the two conversations - lack of communication last night vs the future. I dont want to make one seem like it influenced the other.
    But they are connected, are they not?

  7. #46
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,410
    Oh. I don't see that as two stages at all. Perhaps they are separate issues to an extent with overlap. You can indulge yourself by procrastinating "oh well I'm going to wait and see how we do in our Communication" -uppercase because often it's used a a big pyscho-speak word to avoid the nitty gritty. The conversation over his going out can take about two minutes. You tell him with I statements how you feel when he goes out and doesn't respond to your text/doesn't check in and see what he says. Depending on his reaction you can tell him that there is a bigger issue here -that if he has time for all this socializing you feel frustrated that he is not instead spending this time looking for a way to improve his financial situation (which overlaps with marriage). After that one, short conversation -short, because either you two are on the same page or you are not - that might help you with your decision about whether he is a good match for you for marriage.

    So if you freeze your eggs at age 31 -is that partly because of his delaying marriage, possibly forever? It's interesting because my friend froze her eggs in her late 30s. Around that time she met her future husband. They married when she was 40 or almost. But then he changed his mind about having kids - this was about 5 years ago -or more - she was thinking of divorcing but so far has not. But, if they'd been serious when she'd started freezing her eggs I can bet they would have both paid for it. It's telling that you're in a serious long term relationship and making this plan on your own.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,465
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by irisesdontcr
    So he had regular jobs prior to me meeting him. It was pocket cash. Then he had a string of unconventional jobs. He used his skills with cars to turn a profit and was doing that when we met. He had a little cash. I had a lot more, stable salary. So if we wanted to do things regularly I would pay. He paid when he had it. Then came this business venture. His cash flow was considerable. He spoiled me with it until his family messed him over. At the same time he was struggling with this science course, had failed it 2x already. So I told him about 2 years ago to stop working and focus on the course and pass it. Then he can try to get a job again. He somewhat agreed. Still did some car part flips on the side.

    Then his dad died, he failed that class again. For the last year he grieved , I've never seen him like that before. Now here we are in 2020 and hes back to trying to pass this class (he needs it to move on), this time hes getting tested for learning issues and getting tutoring. Hes not working but he gets financial aid and took out a loan to help with our expenses.
    So he can make good money when it comes to cars and business. In fact, by your own posts, he is quite talented and capable of financial success and proven so. Instead of focusing on what he is good at, you and him are focusing on what he is bad at - school. Wasting years working on a degree is not going to make him successful. Focusing on his natural talents and passions will. So I wonder how much and how hard you are influencing him to pursue failure because that's the only thing that you personally understand - go to college, graduate, get a job.

    The rest of your relationship is equally concerning. You admittedly have nothing in common with his family and friends. You claim he is different from his friends, but really....you are fooling yourself here. If you want to know who a man is, look at his friends. If you don't get along with his friends and fam, if you feel like a total outsider....your relationship will end up on the rocks as well. Looking from the outside in, the foundation of your relationship is nothing more than you trying to parent and financially support an adult who is perfectly capable of supporting himself, yet you tell yourself that he can't. You are literally telling yourself that you are soooo important that without you, not only him but his entire extended family will go belly up. You also tell yourself that you don't care about money, but....you do in that you have invested so much into this relationship, you are growing resentful as you are not getting the ROI you want - marriage.

    I agree with Blue that not telling you where he is going or when he will be back is nothing more than a form of rebellion, conscious or not. It wouldn't happen if the relationship was more balanced, but it isn't. You can't really blame him for that either as a lot of this is you setting up this dynamic. If you do some honest soul searching, you'll probably find that this dynamic makes you feel in control and therefore comfortable on some level even if it's not happy and even if you are becoming resentful. There is a huge undertone of you are better than him, better than his fam, better than his friends and he should rise to your level of "better". This sort of dynamic tends to implode abruptly as the other person gets fed up. The not telling you where he is, is nothing more than ice starting to crack.

Page 5 of 5 FirstFirst ... 2345

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •