Long term bf stayed out all night

My bf and I have been together for 7.5 years. No plans yet to get engaged although we have talked about it. I work two jobs and I'm in school. He is in school full time. Mostly we are okay, he is thoughtful and considerate and takes care of all the house needs since I am busy trying to support us both and climb the corporate ladder. We do things together, go on mini dates or weekend jaunts when we can, and he has planned those before.

Lately in the past 2 years has reconnected with old friends and he hangs out with them 2x a month. He usually only stays out till 2 or 3am since the drive home is a little longer since we live farther out. A few weeks ago he didnt come home till 4am. It was a weekday and he met up with his old debate friend around midnight. I trust him, and I knew the guy and him have a long history of talking for hours and debating topics. So I figured they were catching up late but I told him next time he is out so late, to text me so I dont wake up worrying.

Today its 7am and hes not back. He went out at 8pm last night to meet up with a group of buddies and said he would be back by 3 or 4. I called 5x around 630, no answer. He finally texts half hour later hes on his way home.

I am beyond angry. Not only did I wake up panicking. But he doesnt pick up or have the courtesy to text ? Note that this guy rarely drinks, probably only the 1x or 2x a month he goes out. But otherwise he never drinks and has never been drunk in 7.5 years.

I know he doesn't do this often and doesnt go out a lot but I feel like I am justified in my irritation. I dont have the number of these guys or their gfs. I've never met any of them except for 1 guy briefly (not the debate guy from before). I've seen the others text or call my bf but that's about it. So if something happened to him how would I know?

I think what he did was very selfish. And I have half a mind to leave/ kick him out for being thoughtless. Or to give him the silent treatment pretty much all day ... This isnt really about trust. I don't think he was out cheating but I dont trust these other guys. They work dead end jobs, have no ambition or goals, some dabble in dumb things. Not sure what my bf sees in them since hes not like that ... so I dont know how to feel comfortable with my bf staying out all night with them.

Would appreciate your insight before I make this a huge deal. which it is in my opinion...

Sorry about this.

It's hard, just going by what you've written, to believe your anger is connected only to his being late and not giving you a heads up. Yes, that's frustrating, and being irritated is totally understandable. But leaving him or kicking him out? Going passive aggressive with the "silent treatment"? Those are the responses, generally speaking, of someone who has been harboring a lot of anger and resentment for a long time.

If you are wanting to end this relationship, you can do that. But if you're wanting to talk to him about your concerns, and see about getting back on the same page as a team, I don't think you're going to do anyone any favors by punishing him with the silent treatment. That's kind of like trying to put out a fire by pouring gasoline on the flames.

So what's the core issue here? I'd give yourself some time to try to isolate that, so you can address it in your own head and heart and with him.

Thanks blue castle. You're right, my anger has been bubbling. I'm frustrated we aren't engaged yet (very well knowing he has no financial means to propose since hes full time trying to finish bachelors asap). I've never complained or regretted supporting him because he has had my back countless times when I needed help or confidence.

I'm mad because this behavior seems immature and I worry hes not thinking about our future. I worry it will become a habit. And I think he lied about where he went tonight. He said he was going downtown. But when I called I got a message in Spanish saying there was no connection which means he crossed the border into TJ. We live near San Diego....again not worried about cheating. But I've told him if hes going to cross the border to let me know ...

Can I ask how old you guys are?

After 7 plus years together I'd hope that the two of you would be able to sit down and talk about things: concerns, visions for the future, whatever, so you have the comfort of knowing you're working together toward a shared vision. Is he aware, for instance, that you'd like to be engaged? Has he made it clear to you that he hopes to get married to you? And, hey, are you sure that you genuinely want to be engaged to him as much as you want to be engaged in a more general sense?

I'm just getting the sense that there's a pretty wide gap between what this relationship actually is vs what you hope for it to become—along with a related gap in terms of who he is, right now, and who you'd like him to be. I mean, is the issue here that he's not sending you a text that says "Heading to TJ for a bit—will be home a bit after sunrise" or that he's not making choices in his life that align with the kind of life you want to build with someone?

Anyhow, it seems that you guys need to have a real, adult conversation about the state of things. But I think you need to isolate what you really want to talk about, so it can be done maturely rather than antagonistically. My big concern, just going with what you're giving, is that you two seem to be growing apart more than growing together.

I would hold off judgment right now. I know youre mad... I'd be mad, too. And 7 years, no engagement. Thats big but I would not combine the two issues.

See how he is when he gets home. ASK open ended questions in a conversational way. Get the info first... don't let this escalate because then he'll shut down and not tell you what happened. And who wants to talk engagement when you're arguing and it is not a pleasant, happy, hopeful, loving discussion (as it should be)?

The resentment over the future youre feeling is justified but better saved for when you can have a conversation just about that. Maybe when you're having a good day together and you're saying you want this to continue throughout life; not prove you love me.

Not calling and causing worry is separate and he should be able to explain why he did that. Hopefully, you'll see his side and life can move on. Maybe an apology and an agreement to be more considerate in the future. Don't do silent treatment. Its ok to be mad. But be sure what you're mad about and communicate. That's how things get resolved.

We are both 31, at different stages in our lives. I'm finishing grad school. Hes half way through his bachelors. He doesnt believe in marriage. He believes in commitment and long term. He comes from a family that had messed up marriages, second marriages and even third marriages. And a couple of divorces. But when we had a serious talk a year ago I told him it's what I wanted and he said he would be open to it for me. Hes not jumping for joy to get married but he would basically indulge me. However, he always plans long term with me in terms of asking where I see us living, traveling and what we could do for long term security and investment.

I do love him and the idea of settling down with each other is apparent on both sides. But I'm afraid this immaturity is just showing me the future is still a long ways off. Why not shoot me a text saying hes going to tj? How hard is that? If I had done that he would be so mad, he has double standards when it comes to safety.

He just got home and came and sat by me on the bed (which was weird). I told him I know he went to Mexico. He said yes. Gave me one word answers. I asked If he was ok, he said yes. Then I said we would talk later, asked him to get some sleep. And he walked away.

He's passive-aggressively showing you he doesn't want what you want. He is probably not planning to follow through with marrying you.

Who gives him the money to go out partying all night?

Why hasn't he introduced you to these friends?

Well these friends never bring their SO to hang out. And on occasion they do it's at some grandparents house where all extended family come (big mexican family gathering). I've never been to one because I have nothing in common with them socially, they have years of history. Hes knows this too which is why he never offers to bring me. Our backgrounds are just so different.

I support him 100% financially. Altho he does get financial aid too which he freely gives to me every time he gets it. He takes care of the house, cooking, lawn, cars, anything else that needs doing.

Well these friends never bring their SO to hang out. And on occasion they do it's at some grandparents house where all extended family come (big mexican family gathering). I've never been to one because I have nothing in common with them socially, they have years of history. Hes knows this too which is why he never offers to bring me. Our backgrounds are just so different.

 

I support him 100% financially. Altho he does get financial aid too which he freely gives to me every time he gets it. He takes care of the house, cooking, lawn, cars, anything else that needs doing.

So you give him the money to go out, is that correct?

And you choosing not to interact with his friends because you "have nothing in common" is not going to help your cause.

That being said, the fact that you are trying to talk him into a marriage that he doesn't seem to want (based on his actions) is not a good sign either. Even if he eventually capitulated, that doesn't mean he WANTS the marriage, just that he knows YOU do. Again, not a good sign that the marriage will actually happen.

Why not shoot me a text saying hes going to tj?

Were I to take a shot in the dark?

I'd say that, much the way you are tired of feeling like you're pushing him to want things he doesn't want and be someone he may not be, he is tried of feeling pushed. Somewhat related: I'd say he is tried of not quite being the man he'd like to be, or imagined he'd be when he entered his 30s. So, probably on a non-conscious level, he doesn't text you because it allows him a brief, illusory moment of independence, much the way teenagers rebel against their parents in small, corrosive ways. Teenagers have so little genuine power—their parents call the shots, pay the bills, etc.—that they grab it where they can.

He's not a teenager, of course, just as you are not his mother. But it does seem like your romantic dynamic has veered into that terrain in ways that neither of you are much enjoying.

I don't know, OP. There are a lot of red flags here that you and he are not at all on the same page anymore.

He seems to be excluding you from his social life with these people. I could understand not tagging along most of the time, but the fact that he hasn't ever invited you to meet them is not good. Why does it matter if your backgrounds are so different and that you apparently have nothing in common with them? I don't see why that means he's made no attempt to even try to introduce you. I live abroad in a country/culture that is different from my own, including the language. My (local) significant other has not once left me out of get-togethers to which other partners are invited, or tried to convince me I would have nothing in common with his circle considering we're from different backgrounds. Have I sometimes felt like a fish out of water, given I can't always keep up when they slip into their local dialect, which I find nearly incomprehensible? Sure. Do he and I both still try to have a good time? You bet. I would be upset and hurt if I were left out because he claimed we were too different to even meet.

Add to that the fact that he doesn't believe in marriage and it's something he knows you want - I wouldn't bank on making it to the altar. Not without significant stalling or resentment on his part. He isn't even really bringing you into his friend group on a casual social level. Imagine being married to a guy who compartmentalizes so much. I am not sure you would have a fulfilling marriage with this man, given his current behaviour.

I too would be upset if my live-in partner stayed out until dawn without so much as letting me know he wouldn't be coming home. That shows a serious lack of considering and respect for you. And you bet I would be wondering just what the heck he was up to all night, and with whom. On my dime? Oh, hell no. (I assume it's on your dime, given that you said you are 100% financially supporting him) However, I think it's a symptom of a much bigger disconnect between you two that is no longer lingering just under the surface.

Don't give him the silent treatment, as that's quite juvenile and doesn't solve anything. You two most definitely need to talk. And not just about what happened last night. I think you both need to be honest about whether this relationship is truly what you both want anymore.

He doesnt have access to my accounts. If there is cash in the house from his financial aid or his side projects, he will use that. But we do share a CC that I pay off every month. Hes not a spender, quite the opposite.

Yeah he doesnt want marriage. But he always says he wants me. Even when I joked around saying what would he do if something ever happened to me, he looked me dead in the eye not laughing and said he would go crazy. I kept laughing but he just stared at me like I was insane.

This is 100% true bluebottle.

" I'd say he is tried of not quite being the man he'd like to be, or imagined he'd be when he entered his 30s ... He's not a teenager, of course, just as you are not his mother. But it does seem like your romantic dynamic has veered into that terrain in ways that neither of you are much enjoying"

So what do I even do at this point? I'm completely lost here. All I can do is focus my energy on my studies and work, it keeps me sane. If hes not the man he wants to be but he keeps working at it and life keeps throwing him really bad curve balls (his dad died suddenly a year ago. they were bffs) , then I have a hard time seeing it as his fault. But it would be nice to be with someone who has their life together...sigh.

Unless he is enthusiastic -100% - on his own about marriage I wouldn't marry him and ASAP get him off your CC. That is a really risky thing to do with someone you are not married to. Do you want children? Whether his fault or not he is content to live with you rent free, to spend $ and time going out all night with his friends.

If you want marriage and the opportunity to have a family within the next 4-5 years he is not the guy. If you are 31 I'd end things now and take a little time to get yourself re-centered, etc then find someone who has the same goals, ambitions, etc that you do. (Which is what I did - I only dated men in my 30s who were financially stable at least, like me, who were ambitious and educated and who wanted marriage and family).

What advances has he made in the last 7.5 years that show you he is making strides in becoming the man he wants to be?

Will you stay with him if you knew how he is now is how he'll always be? Will you stay if he never marries you?

He is one of the most dedicated people I've met in terms of commitment to school. He never went to high school, had to drop out to take care of his family after the divorces. So his learning curve was steep in every subject. He failed the same science class in college in 3 different semesters. Never gave up, is taking it again now and even getting tested for learning disability. This has definitely delayed his education. He has meanwhile looked into businesses we can invest in. He regularly reads up on them and listens to podcasts on peoples experiences in the field. He basically absorbs knowledge and tries to learn as much as he can. I admire his tenacity in these areas and it gives me hope.

I've expressed I'm tired of working. And need a break. And he genuinely feels bad, and wishes he could sustain us but any minimum wage job would not pay my mortgage right now. This is why he is insistent on us becoming financially secure through investments that can be the income we need so I dont have to work if I dont want to for some time, and will hold us over until he finishes his degree. He really does think about this and plan towards it. (Its a pretty well thought out plan too)

His dads passing was like a tornado. Everything hit the ceiling. But I was there by his side through it all since he has no one else who can help him. But it definitely changed our speed and path slightly.

So in light of all that, does him occasionally staying out all night, not introducing you to his friends, his disinterest in marrying, and you having to work to support the two of you for the foreseeable future matter all that much?

Will he be the one investing in these businesses? If so, where will he get the money?

So my house has equity we would use to invest in the business after selling the home. The reason it has equity is my bf completely remodeled it himself. All bathrooms, kitchen and flooring. And landscaping. Hes extremely talented. This is why I feel as though the equity should be jointly shared between us to some extent.

His plan - I will buy his familys house under my name (because none of his other family qualify and he would lose it otherwise after his dads passing) and we would turn it into an investment property with rental income (already has renters). Then he and I can use the remaining money to buy a place together in a city closer to my work opportunities so I dont have to drive as much.

Honestly the money part doesnt bother me. He is smart and wouldnt let us flounder. I want more on the emotional side, I want a proposal and commitment, for me its important and it is to my family also. I'm just sad he doesn't want it himself even if he wants to be with me forever.

These irritating things he does by being immature and not calling or letting me know about tj is just fuel for an anger or resentment that keeps growing. I can't see it as a "night out with the guys" but more as "another sign I'm immature and not ready to commit to a marriage"...

And then the conflict in me fights and says, can you blame him after all the stuff hes been thru?

So it will be all your money that is invested in these businesses.

I can understand his enthusiasm lol!

Are you wanting to have children? If so, are you OK with having them as an unmarried couple?

I guess I don't see the connection between his dad's passing away and staying out all night without notifying you. How does that prevent him from texting you with a quick update? I am not trying to be facetious but I seriously don't see the connection.

Oh, no I didnt mean to say there was a connection between staying out and his dads passing, they're completely independent. I meant more that his dads passing might have affected him in his timeline overall to achieve his academic goals. Which in turn means he doesn't feel established enough to ask me to marry him?

It is all my money but I don't feel like I earned all of it myself. He did his part too, it would unfair of me not to recognize it. In fact If we did break up I would split equity from the sale of the house and give him half.

I do want children. But not anytime soon. considering freezing my eggs this year so I can figure out my career goals first and not worry about my age as much.

Oh, no I didnt mean to say there was a connection between staying out and his dads passing, they're completely independent. I meant more that his dads passing might have affected him in his timeline overall to achieve his academic goals. Which in turn means he doesn't feel established enough to ask me to marry him?

 

It is all my money but I don't feel like I earned all of it myself. He did his part too, it would unfair of me not to recognize it. In fact If we did break up I would split equity from the sale of the house and give him half.

 

I do want children. But not anytime soon. considering freezing my eggs this year so I can figure out my career goals first and not worry about my age as much.

But I thought he said he didn't want marriage. Did he say he wants marriage but wants to wait until he's established?

Do you truly feel he wants to marry you? Or do you wonder if he said he would to appease you?

OK, I reread your OP and you wrote this "He doesnt believe in marriage. He believes in commitment and long term. He comes from a family that had messed up marriages, second marriages and even third marriages. And a couple of divorces. But when we had a serious talk a year ago I told him it's what I wanted and he said he would be open to it for me. Hes not jumping for joy to get married but he would basically indulge me. "

Would you be OK if he told you he will not marry you? Would you stay with him and have children with him?

He said he doesnt believe in marriage. He sees nothing wrong in monogamous cohabitation. But in our discussion a yr ago I told him I want marriage and 2 kids. He said ok. That was it! Lol.

And once last year I causally joked If he would propose by physically getting down on one knee. And he said yes, because he knows that's what I would envision in a proposal.

Edit: And no, I wouldnt be happy or ok if we never married. I would feel really lost honestly.

I guess my difficulty here is

1. Am I pushing him into marriage or is he truly happy to give me what I want even if he doesnt believe in the institution?

2. Does his internal struggle on being established before proposing make any sense if we have never fought about money or argued about finances and his lack of? If it's been this way and I love him why should it matter if hes established before proposing?

3. Why am I then running out of patience ?

Sorry to hear this. You need to stop playing supermom to a peter pan. He didn't text you because he didn't want you to know. Between supporting him, his stance on marriage this is unfortunately becoming mutual resentment.

People don't go to Tijuana with a bunch of guys at that hour to buy souvenirs. At some level you realize this. Sadly you've invested way too much in this relationship waiting for what will never come anyway. You seem afraid to cut your losses. You are terrified of expecting respect for fear of losing your "investment". Keep in mind an investment has a return in the future, this is just gambling.

Yep he didnt want me to know cause I would probably be worried and not sleep. We will see if he sees the error in his ways when he wakes up.

Also, people go to Baja California for a lot of different things. Especially the food and cheap beer. I 100% believe he didnt cheat. More than ruin what he has with me, he wouldnt want to catch anything lol 😂 I wouldn't put it past the other guys but then again I dont know em.

I would say the investment is both ways. At least I can walk away and provide for myself. If he walks away he would have nothing, and will probably lose his dads house . If someone didnt help him out he would be $$$ in debt with loans just for living expenses.

OP, I don't think this man is going to be ready for marriage any time soon.

Running off to TJ overnight and not bothering to let you know? That's a sign that something is very wrong. I don't necessarily mean he got up to anything nefarious (though I wouldn't automatically rule it out, honestly) but he is living like he's a single guy. He doesn't need to get your permission, of course, but to not bother letting his live-in girlfriend know he would be out until daybreak? Trouble is brewing, and it's brewing quickly.

The same could be said of the compartmentalized social life he's developing. He appears to be keeping you at arm's length there and not making any effort to involve you. That's not usually done inadvertently, especially after 7.5 years together. Having been down that road with someone in my own past, I would advise you to reflect more on what that says about the state of your relationship. Are you the one refusing to meet them, or has he never actually invited you? How do you genuinely feel that these late nights seem to be happening with people he's never introduced you to?

You can't buy love.

If he walks away he would have nothing, and will probably lose his dads house . If someone didnt help him out he would be $$$ in debt with loans just for living expenses.