I don't know if I should keep trying for a relationship

Hello. I think this will be very long, so I'm sorry. I'm desperate for some advice on the situation and would appreciate it so much if someone could help me. Some info, I'm a 20 year old girl.

Everything started around 3 years ago. My best friend added me to a group chat on an online messaging app with 2 other people with the intention of wanting me to get more confidence and make more friends, for context I am extremely shy, even online. One of these people was also the quiet type, messaging only sometimes, but he was really funny and sweet whenever he did talk. After just a week of knowing him I think is when the crush started. I know.. Online relationships are weird but I really did have a crush. But during this time I had recently got diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and would often feel feelings of dissociation. In the winter of that year I was suicidal and attempted suicide, but it failed and luckily I was talked out of trying again by my friends, including the guy, who I will call George. Again, he was very sweet, would stay up all night talking with me, message me all the time to check I'm okay, constantly think of things to cheer me up. And.. Admittedly this didn't get rid of my depression, but rather made me fall in love with him.

After that year, I got counselling and started regularly seeing psychiatrists, and my depression did get better. I became a lot more confident and social, the group chat with the friends became bigger, and my personality improved! George started talking a bit less to me, and to everyone in the gc in this time, which I didn't really understand in the time but didn't think much of it either. There was another guy in the group chat who, me and him had a joke where we would 'flirt' with each other, it was funny, but looking back it seems a bit cringey. One day, George asked if he could add one of his friends to the gc which turned out to be a girl, and I freaked out and panicked thinking they were dating. A few days later, I broke and asked him if they were dating, he replied No but continued asking me why I asked, and I ended up revealing that I love him. He replied with shock, and said that during the time I was depressed and suicidal, he felt good that he helped me, felt like he needed to protect me and cared for me a lot, but he said that us entering a relationship was a 'maybe' and a let's get to know each other more first. We did, we talked very often for a while, getting to know each other well, and one day he had gotten comfortable with me enough to reveal a personal secret, and asked me to be his girlfriend, to which I accepted. And oh my god, I wish that I hadn't.

The relationship was awful. I had so little self-confidence that I didn't believe that he liked me, that he just felt pity for a sad little depressed girl and was going to date me to make me feel better. I would always be depressed in talks, turn everything sad or into an argument, try to break up with him several times, but he always tried so so so hard to help me. He never abandoned me during all those times. I guess until it got enough

We had been dating for around 6 months when, he said he was travelling, and our talking became much much less. We didn't talk for weeks on end. And after some time, he messaged me and said that he didn't feel like being in a relationship currently, that maybe we can try again in the future, but he just didn't want it. I cracked. I started sobbing and shivering, shouting at him, begging him, basically become a desperate mess. He stayed with me again. Tried to calm me down. Till I broke down and blocked him everywhere. He tried to contact my sister and parents to ask if I was okay but this was at around 3am so everyone was asleep. I regret this outbreak. Why did I freak out so much? We never even had a loving relationship. Admittedly, during the relationship, I never thought about him much. I was too focused on myself and sadness. I had even tried to break up with him several times. Now that it was finally over, why was I so sad?

We didn't talk again for an entire year. I spent the entire year of 2019 trying to better myself, finally being pushed to improve after the break up. I looked at all of the parts of me that were bad, and cured them. I was anti-social and shy? I made myself go out more with friends, talk to new people, ask questions. Now, I am an extremely social person, I love asking questions and meeting new people.

I hated my appearance? I don't know how this was cured, but I just kind of learned that hey, this is my face, I can't do nothing to change it. And eventually, I Dont think I look half bad. Also, a dramatic haircut from extreme long hair to shoulder length boosted my confidence.

There were many other things. I haven't felt depressed or suicidal the entire year of 2019,ans continuing. I know depression can't be cured, but it can be lessened. My quest was successful. The only problem was not being able to move on from George. I tried so damn hard to stop liking him. I got myself into extreme hobbies to take my mind of it, gone into sports teams, got a job, hanging out more with friends, I even dated somebody else for a couple of weeks (please don't think of this as bad. I genuinely did like the guy, I think if George wasn't in my life, he would be the man I fall in love with. But alas, it didn't last). Weirdly enough, after all this time, I felt like my love for George increased. We hadn't talked in an entire year, yet I didn't move on at all. It felt... Weird but right. Like I will never be able to move on. But I feel like that's normal. Like.. Its the right thing in my life to love him.

At the start of 2020,he messaged me with a new account. I freaked out greatly, not responding for some time, before eventually pushing myself (and getting pushed by others) to start talking to him again. So I did.

It's.. Awkward of course. I can tell it is. I'm trying extremely hard to have good conversations with him, asking many many questions, starting Conversatins. For a time, this was pretty much unrequited. He felt more awkward than me, replying with short answers. It was only a couple of weeks ago that he seemed to get more comfortable, asking me questions, talking a lot. It felt nice. I didn't feel nervous or sad talking to him. For the first time ever, I felt happy talking to him. And it was a weird feeling. Not.. Butterflies but just a warm calming feeling in my stomach talking to him. I wanted to talk to him more and more.

This wassss until, yesterday. Let's return back to the friend I thought he was dating, she messaged me at 2am saying she had bad news. She said that she thinks George likes a girl he knows in real life, and she fears the girl likes him back. I freaked out,but not as bad as last time. Not nearly as bad. Not a single tear. I did, however, start shaking really bad, my heartbeat increased dramatically, and I felt sick to my stomach to the point of throwing up imagining him being with someone else. I messaged him. I told him everything. I apologised for the relationship we had, told him I regretted it so bad. But that I was thankful for him breaking up with me. Because it was the push I needed to improve myself.

He replied with saying these things. He said he was proud of me for the improvements. That I am on the right path. He is truly happy for me. He said that he did not regret being In a relationship with me. Despite it being difficult, he felt there were happy times to balance it out.

The problem.

I... Have no intention of anything romantic with anybody right now. I want to focus on myself. Even though I still harbor incredible feelings for him, I don't want it. I want to get rid of these feelings and just be his friend.

At least, this is what I want.

What Im actually like, what I actually want is foolish and selfish. Part of me, throughout my self improvement, in the back of my mind I kept thinking about his words. "in the future we can try a relationship again" I thought.. I kept thinking about it so much, how a relationship with him would be now with my improved self. Because I love this boy so much. Ive found myself looking up things like how to cook and bake, how to sew, how to Garden, despite never having any interest in these things. I wanted to learn these things to make him happy. That's what is important to me, his happiness, more than anything. And that is why I am selfish. I desperately want to be in a relationship with him, I want to tell him that I love him, it sucks having to hide these feelings. I just think... I will be able to give him a wonderful life if he gave me a chance. I will try my best to give him a wonderful life. I am far from perfect, but I am also far from the person I once was, I believe I will continue improving.

The thing of him liking this girl are unconfirmed. But it makes me feel sick imagining him with anybody else. It just feels.. Wrong. Our relationship was awful, yes, but there were many good moments in between the bad, some of which were wonderful, and several of which made me think, this is my partner in life forever. I won't go into anything, but we had these moments. He really did love me once. I can't imagine how awful it must be for the person you love to constantly doubt your feelings.

My question.. do you have any of advice? I want to be with him, I want to make him happy and I really believe I'm at a point where I am able to do so. Also.. He is willing to give me another chance in a relationship as well. I truly believe he is my soulmate. What do you all think? I would appreciate any answers. Thank you for reading!

You need to move on. He is not your soul mate. Due to your mental issues, it's giving you delusions of love for him and his love for you. It's obsessive behavior that is derived from being lonely, isolated, and your anxiety of being rejected. The truth of the matter is you have no control over who likes you or who desires you or how much. You cannot force anyone to fall in love with you or want to be with you, not with words or actions. I hope to god you are in intensive therapy or find some way to get yourself into some kind of therapy. You need to maintain your depression for life, there is no "getting over it." Just because you feel better doesn't mean you are cured. You seriously need to talk to someone about this, how it's consumes you. You sound like you are feeling hopeless without this guy, and that's not a good place to be.

I know my words are harsh, but it's out of concern. It's different when you are on the outside looking in. You won't see it until you pull yourself out of this.

You need to move on. He is not your soul mate. Due to your mental issues, it's giving you delusions of love for him and his love for you. It's obsessive behavior that is derived from being lonely, isolated, and your anxiety of being rejected. The truth of the matter is you have no control over who likes you or who desires you or how much. You cannot force anyone to fall in love with you or want to be with you, not with words or actions. I hope to god you are in intensive therapy or find some way to get yourself into some kind of therapy. You need to maintain your depression for life, there is no "getting over it." Just because you feel better doesn't mean you are cured. You seriously need to talk to someone about this, how it's consumes you. You sound like you are feeling hopeless without this guy, and that's not a good place to be.

 

I know my words are harsh, but it's out of concern. It's different when you are on the outside looking in. You won't see it until you pull yourself out of this.

Thank you for the response. I don't think I'm being delusional or obsessive actually, he's a genuinely nice and sweet guy so it's easy for many people to start liking him. I have my own reasons for being in love with him.

I know there is no way to force someone to love me, that's not what I was asking advice for. I wouldn't have asked the question on here about wondering if we should get back together if he himself didn't show interest, which he has. We talked about it and decided well postpone getting into a real relationship for a while before we both start talking more and getting comfortable.

I'm not being obsessive. I would have been fine if he had rejected me or just wanted to be friends. Part of me even just wanted to be friends with him because I am worried about if he doesn't think ill be good in a relationship again. I'll try though.

I think I worded things badly in my first post. Yes, there is no way to cure depression. I'm always maintaining it though so my depressive thoughts don't ruin my life again, everyday I'm exercising, hanging out with friends, working my job, and taking care of myself well enough to keep myself happy. I know I haven't gotten over my depression, I know it's impossible, and I told him that. Of course in the future there's the chance I might go back into depression, but my life is just at a way better point to where I think I can handle it better now. Again, I'm sorry for wording things badly. I didn't get a 'new personality', I think the way I said that was weird, it's just my personality before I started having depression.

I think I did mention in my first post that I see counsellors and physiatrists often? They have lessened a bit, the amount of time I see them, because they believe I'm doing well. Again, apologises if I sounded obsessive. I didn't decide to change myself just because of him and I don't revolve my whole life around him. I changed myself primarily for me, because of how always grumpy and lonely I was,and I really wanted to try help myself for once.

Again, If he had rejected me or left me I would have been fine. I improved the parts of myself I didn't like, and think it's time I started moving forward in life with a more positive outlook. If the relationship doesn't work out with him, fine, I'll move on and keep it in my memories. If it does, then great, I'll try my best to maintain it while keeping myself taken care of.

Thank you so much for your reply. Your answer was interesting, I hope I was able to clear some things up a little. Have a nice day.

The best thing to do is get a complete evaluation from a physician and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support. Mood disorders can and are routinely treated and managed. With the correct help and treatment plan from an MD, ongoing talk therapy and appropriate lifestyle changes you can live a happy successful life. Who told you there "was no cure for depression"?

Dating is difficult and it's best to be in a good place when you start. That will help you make better choices. Also don't get strung along after a breakup. Make a clean break and start fresh.

Consider taking some classes and courses. Join some clubs and groups particularly those that involve healthy pursuits such as activity, being outdoors, etc. Surround yourself with happy, upbeat people. Volunteer for a cause that interests you. Get out of this chatroom and the creeps that lurk in these type of places. make real life healthy friends.

there is no way to cure depression. I'm always maintaining it though so my depressive thoughts don't ruin my life again. I think I did mention in my first post that I see counsellors and physiatrists often? They have lessened a bit, the amount of time I see them, because they believe I'm doing well.