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How to start dating as a socially awkward person.


LuckyCheri

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^ title mostly says it all but let me elaborate:

 

I am young female who is looking to start dating other females but I have a lot of issues with talking with people in general.

 

I am quite awkward and a lot of time I am just fearful that my awkwardness and shyness would prevent myself from having a natural conversation or it would be the reason that will run people away from me.

 

I always get down on this since I always wanted to be in a close friendly relationship (whether that be distanced or nearby) but I am genuinely fearful of even doing dating sites since I am scared things will go wrong due to who I am :/

 

I'm not asking for much but simply looking for tips on how to set myself up so eventually I can grow more comfortable to even having a nice chat since I know I need some growth before an actual relationship.

 

Thank you for anyone who responds to this

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Do you have close friendships? With your friends are you comfortable in your own skin, or fearful that things might go wrong do to who you are?

 

I ask because I think our friendships provide us with a good template of how we want to feel alongside others, be appreciated by others, as well as providing a nice little jolt of assurance that we are awesome, valuable, and worthy of love—a dose of confidence that comes in handy when navigating dating, so our sense of worth isn't too connected to what strangers think about us but rather how we feel in the presence of strangers as they become more familiar to us.

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Do you have close friendships? With your friends are you comfortable in your own skin, or fearful that things might go wrong do to who you are?

 

I ask because I think our friendships provide us with a good template of how we want to feel alongside others, be appreciated by others, as well as providing a nice little jolt of assurance that we are awesome, valuable, and worthy of love—a dose of confidence that comes in handy when navigating dating, so our sense of worth isn't too connected to what strangers think about us but rather how we feel in the presence of strangers as they become more familiar to us.

 

I have a couple of people who I would considered friends. For the most part I never had problems talking to them when it comes to even personal topics but deep down I am a person who has trouble speaking fully what is on my mind and struggle to actually say what I really mean and generally only talkative in certain subjects (Writing and gaming to name a few) and non-talkative and speak very little for others EDIT: Forgot to say but I am just simply fearful that I am going to be hard to interact with being it took even my friends to get used to me heh.

 

@smackie9 my fear really isn't rejection. Even before I came to this forum, I had dealt with rejection before and i'm not expecting things to work out immediately but simply looking for simple tips before going for a last resort of a life couch (which is fairly expensive as I am already paying for therapy for other things ^^;)

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Get involved in LGBT groups and interests, volunteer for a cause you embrace. Take some classes and courses. Get on some LGBT friendly dating aaps. Stop labeling yourself, reach out and be friendly and kind to people instead of hiding in a shell and being self-conscious.

I am young female who is looking to start dating other females but I have a lot of issues with talking with people in general.

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I met some awesome people at the local Pride parade. I also met some great people at a rally for human rights. People who were socially aware and wanted to try to influence change.

 

If you're not into the protest thing, there are LGBTQ events in major cities and some smaller communities. Those might be more comfortable for you as they are in a group setting rather than a one on one coffee date.

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I think you're risking falling into the same pit a ton of other jaded relationship seekers have fallen into, and what's very easily enabled by online dating. Tackle the social awkwardness first. Folks above have given you plenty of great suggestions. Develop social skills, then date. If something organically happens along the way, great. If you've truly got spectrum-level awkwardness that extends beyond of lack of effort and exposure, you may want to consider counseling to help develop social skills and tactics.

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A customer service job can help sometimes as far as getting tonnes of practise with interacting with all kinds of people.

At one of my past workplaces there was a young woman who started off with actively trying to avoid answering the phone and interacting with clients. By the end of her year, she was chit chatting away like a pro.

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I've found no matter who it is whether my husband, relative, in-law, acquaintance or church brethren that having interest in the other person is the key to a lasting conversation and pleasant socializing. People love nothing more than to talk endlessly about themselves forever and crave a great listener.

 

Many times, I don't have much to say about myself so I let others talk all they want. I ask about them, how they've been, how's their job?, how's their family?, updates in general, their associations, fitness, hobbies, outings or excursions, their vacations, intellectual pursuits, charitable good works, movies, books, etc. They can go on and on forever.

 

I'll give you an example. The other day I asked a neighbor what her paint colors were for her house as it is the pride of the neighborhood. Her house, landscaping and garden always look meticulous and well cared for. She was out taking her trash to the curb's trash cans on trash night that afternoon. After hesitating in the past, I finally gathered the nerve to ask her. The worst she could say was "no." However, she was very kind, ran into her garage, wrote down her paint colors for her stucco and trim and even wrote down the name of her painter. Then the floodgates opened! She ended up telling me her life's story! I stood on her sidewalk for over an hour! :eek: It was a wonderful chat. I really didn't say hardly anything about myself at all. It was all about her and I was perfectly fine with it. :D We wished each other well and parted ways. Later that evening, I gave her an envelope with a thank you note and referrals for a handyman and window and door installer since she mentioned she needed word-of-mouth contractor referrals. I reciprocated her kindness to me.

 

It doesn't matter whom I am talking to. As long as I make every conversation about them, people can talk about themselves for hours.

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I've found no matter who it is whether my husband, relative, in-law, acquaintance or church brethren that having interest in the other person is the key to a lasting conversation and pleasant socializing. People love nothing more than to talk endlessly about themselves forever and crave a great listener.

 

Many times, I don't have much to say about myself so I let others talk all they want. I ask about them, how they've been, how's their job?, how's their family?, updates in general, their associations, fitness, hobbies, outings or excursions, their vacations, intellectual pursuits, charitable good works, movies, books, etc. They can go on and on forever.

 

I'll give you an example. The other day I asked a neighbor what her paint colors were for her house as it is the pride of the neighborhood. Her house, landscaping and garden always look meticulous and well cared for. She was out taking her trash to the curb's trash cans on trash night that afternoon. After hesitating in the past, I finally gathered the nerve to ask her. The worst she could say was "no." However, she was very kind, ran into her garage, wrote down her paint colors for her stucco and trim and even wrote down the name of her painter. Then the floodgates opened! She ended up telling me her life's story! I stood on her sidewalk for over an hour! :eek: It was a wonderful chat. I really didn't say hardly anything about myself at all. It was all about her and I was perfectly fine with it. :D We wished each other well and parted ways. Later that evening, I gave her an envelope with a thank you note and referrals for a handyman and window and door installer since she mentioned she needed word-of-mouth contractor referrals. I reciprocated her kindness to me.

 

It doesn't matter whom I am talking to. As long as I make every conversation about them, people can talk about themselves for hours.

 

Yes they can and I make it a point - a very strong point - to shut my mouth and ask good, not prying, follow up questions so that I don't go on and on about myself, so I don't - with good intentions - interrupt (meaning those interruptions to let the person know you relate, etc). I physically close my mouth and I try not to indulge in the "hmm I want to say this next" thoughts. Instead I listen. I did this very recently - yesterday at work I stopped in to chat with my colleague -which is about 5-10 minutes a week - and even though I had stuff to share I made that secondary -instead I asked about her. I am chatty, I love to tell a good story, I love to make people laugh, sometimes I need to vent - and depending on who it is/context/situation - I focus instead on the other person. I have a work friend -we meet for lunch every two months or so for the last 3 years. Last year she said to me "you're a good listener. and you ask good follow up questions". My take on our lunches is very often we have equal air time -I can tell - it's really a back and forth/give and take. Because I find her interesting, I like what she has to say on a variety of topics. And we never gossip about work. So yes I agree people do enjoy talking about themselves and I don't agree that people are so self-absorbed that they don't see the huge benefit in keeping quiet and actively and empathically listening. I cannot imagine that I am atypical at all.

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Batya33, It's good that you give equal air time for each person in the conversation.

 

Whenever I feel socially awkward or don't have much to say, I let the other person have the floor or the spotlight. I don't mind at all. I find it more entertaining to be a great listener anyway. The funny thing is often times I allow the other person to talk so much that by the time we part ways, the other person doesn't know anything about me which I find hilarious. I'm perfectly fine with it, too. :tongue:

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Batya33, It's good that you give equal air time for each person in the conversation.

 

Whenever I feel socially awkward or don't have much to say, I let the other person have the floor or the spotlight. I don't mind at all. I find it more entertaining to be a great listener anyway. The funny thing is often times I allow the other person to talk so much that by the time we part ways, the other person doesn't know anything about me which I find hilarious. I'm perfectly fine with it, too. :tongue:

 

Yes, definitely. I just disagree with the attitude that people don't love to learn about other people and prefer to talk about themselves (I actually don't despite having that chatty tendency!). So yes great strategy for socially awkward/self conscious people but not because of any negative bias about whether people are curious and want to learn about you as well.

 

Reminds me of an assumption my sister made many years ago -that a guy who was talking with her who was staring down only wanted to learn about her breasts. He didn't. He was having awful issues with his contact lenses, which he told her later.

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Yes, definitely. I just disagree with the attitude that people don't love to learn about other people and prefer to talk about themselves (I actually don't despite having that chatty tendency!). So yes great strategy for socially awkward/self conscious people but not because of any negative bias about whether people are curious and want to learn about you as well.

 

Reminds me of an assumption my sister made many years ago -that a guy who was talking with her who was staring down only wanted to learn about her breasts. He didn't. He was having awful issues with his contact lenses, which he told her later.

 

My BFF is a 'Chatty Kathy' and I enjoy living vicariously through her travels and hearing about her familial updates. Since my life is not full of emotional roller coaster rides and crises, I allow my friend to talk to her heart's content while I'm a very good listener who never interrupts. It works and it's mutual. My life isn't as exciting as hers so I don't mind. There's no negative bias whatsoever. I don't have much to say anyway.

 

That was a funny story about the guy who had awful issues with his contact lenses, haha Batya33. :eek: :smug:

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My BFF is a 'Chatty Kathy' and I enjoy living vicariously through her travels and hearing about her familial updates. Since my life is not full of emotional roller coaster rides and crises, I allow my friend to talk to her heart's content while I'm a very good listener who never interrupts. It works and it's mutual. My life isn't as exciting as hers so I don't mind. There's no negative bias whatsoever. I don't have much to say anyway.

 

That was a funny story about the guy who had awful issues with his contact lenses, haha Batya33. :eek: :smug:

 

Oh I just meant assuming that people do not love to listen and hear about other peoples' lives. Totally get it about your bff!

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