Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 37

Thread: Social Media and Boundaries

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    12

    Social Media and Boundaries

    Iíve been dating a girl I met online exclusively for about 5 months. I really love this girl. Like truly. I havenít felt this way about someone in a long time.

    She comes from a rough past (no father/crazy mother, ran out on her husband for another man, dated the other man for years who was then cheating on her). Weíve had some conversations about her past and Iíve always been a loving, non judging, and understanding shoulder for her when it comes to this.

    She lost many friends bc of the situation with her ex husband, and it has really effected her. Other than family I would say she only has a 3-4 close friends. She tells me she really learned her lesson from that situation and I believe her. But...

    Over the past couple months some things have begun to bother me. Most notably her Instagram interactions. Like I said we met online on one app, but I found out through my friends that she had two other apps that included her Instagram tag. No big deal in the beginning because we werenít exclusive and sheís free to date and talk to whoever. We both agreed to delete all these apps from our phone, which I believe we both did but not necessarily the profiles.
    Anyway no big deal really, until I really started looking at her Instagram posts, followers, and activity. She posts a decent amount of selfies looking cute (nothing risquť), which I donít really care about but it does come off a little vain in my opinion. Then I start noticing the comments and likes. 95% are men, who she doesnít really know, flirting with her and she ďlikesĒ the comment and even flirts back in some cases. And she was adding a decent amount of men daily.

    So I brought up to her my issues. I told her that she is clearly getting all these followers from dating sites (there really is no other explanation to get this amount of new followers, she doesnít have creative content or is an influencer or anything like that and they are all men) and the fact that it was disrespectful to me that sheís interacting with these men that are flirting with her when weíre in a committed relationship. Her response was that Iím being insecure and that they and her are just being nice to each other and essentially sheís not going to do anything about it. I admit it obviously did make me feel insecure thatís why I brought it up and itís just behavior that I donít expect in my significant other. I value loyalty and respect most in a relationship.

    This girl has told me outright how insecure she is about herself, and evidenced by her social media activity really craves male attention. She also has bouts of depression that can last weeks. Which, psychologically, I get based on her past but the inability to understand my boundaries (which I feel like are pretty normal boundaries in a relationship but Iíd like the boardís opinion) and be flexible for your partner is really getting to me. Itís really tough for me to end it because I feel strongly for her, and this sort of connection is so rare.

    Am I overreacting about the Instagram issue?
    Do you think Im opening up myself to future heartache by being with this girl?

    I know I canít help her with her issues because Iím not a professional, but even if it doesnít work between us, I really feel bad for her and want to help her.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    53
    Posts
    37,430
    Gender
    Female
    A partner should not be a fixer upper project. She has to fix this herself you canít do it. If she didnít respect boundaries with a husband she is certainly not going to do it for you. I would end it .

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,591
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. Have you met in person? How often do you see each other? 20 weeks is the get-to-know-you period. It's a time for you to observe if someone is right for you not to start fixing and changing and playing therapist.

    You're right, she needs a professional not a bf. She has way too much baggage to be able to be in whatever type of relationship you are looking for.

    Also there is way too much policing on social media. It sounds quite unhealthy to distrust this much and try to fix or change anyone this much. It sounds like prison to have to explain social media posts to someone, delete social media accounts and be held hostage to insecurities.
    Originally Posted by Goodguy7
    Iíve been dating a girl I met online exclusively for about 5 months.
    She lost many friends bc of the situation with her ex husband, and it has really effected her.
    We both agreed to delete all these apps from our phone, which I believe we both did but not necessarily the profiles.
    She also has bouts of depression that can last weeks.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,396
    I personally would not like this at all in a partner and I can see where others would be fine with it. Figure out your boundaries and comfort level and own it. I don't relate to her need for this sort of attention based on physical features, on social media. Again that's just me. What about you?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    12
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Have you met in person? How often do you see each other? 20 weeks is the get-to-know-you period. It's a time for you to observe if someone is right for you not to start fixing and changing and playing therapist.

    You're right, she needs a professional not a bf. She has way too much baggage to be able to be in whatever type of relationship you are looking for.

    Also there is way too much policing on social media. It sounds quite unhealthy to distrust this much and try to fix or change anyone this much. It sounds like prison to have to explain social media posts to someone, delete social media accounts and be held hostage to insecurities.
    Yes we dated for about 2 months before coming exclusive. Dropped the L word, everything.
    Funny you mention blocking bc she has unfollowed/followed back me on multiple social media accounts about 4 times bc she got ďmadĒ at me.

    The unfollowing cycle has made me even more insecure. It feels like she is trying to punish me. Iíve quit doing it for my own sanity and I do feel bad for diving deep into her activity, but my fear is if I canít give her the attention she obviously constantly needs will she pursue it elsewhere? It almost seems like sheís living a double life, being that she doesnít even know these people. I have never dealt with someone who interacts on social media like this.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    12
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I personally would not like this at all in a partner and I can see where others would be fine with it. Figure out your boundaries and comfort level and own it. I don't relate to her need for this sort of attention based on physical features, on social media. Again that's just me. What about you?
    No I donít relate to it. It seems desperate. She once told me that I would probably get really mad if I saw her DMs on Instagram but that she doesnít respond back to them. I took her word for it.

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    53
    Posts
    37,430
    Gender
    Female
    She probably isnít a good fit for you.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    12
    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    She probably isnít a good fit for you.
    Iím starting to feel youíre right.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,236
    Do yourself a favor and get out of this crazy situation.

    You're going to have to be really strong. Think of it as tough love.... people need to heal and fix themselves. All those things we post about, like "someday someone will love you enough to heal you" are complete BS.

    Most people's behavior is completely based on how, they were able to be successful or get what they want in the past.

    If they were raised in or expereinced healthy boundaries, (punishment and reward) then they learned to work hard, with integrity, fairness, compromise, to acheive goals..... all the things we can watch on sesame street

    On the other hand, dysfunction creates dysfunction. You can't use the logic from the first scenario to explain or predict the actions of someone in the 2nd scenario.

    You cannot fix someone and you can't love them enough to change those internal struggles that cause the person to lie, manipulate, etc. They only know their way. Both types only know their way.

    The only way they change is to choose to change. The only reason to choose to change is to get somethinng we want enough to change.

    So you have to be the stronger person and love yourself. Find someone capable of the healthy version of love.... or stay with crazy and always sacrifice your happiness for theirs.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,221
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Goodguy7
    I value loyalty and respect most in a relationship.
    You sure about this?

    In getting to know her you learned that she struggles to maintain friendships, ran out on her husband, and uses social media to court nebulous male attention though thirsty selfies. How all that could trigger "respect and loyalty"ówell, it's just hard math for me to compute. How it could trigger excitement, on the other hand, the thrill of a challenge, wanting to see if you can be the special someone to tame the mustang, fix the broken bird, and so forthóthat would be more understandable.

    Anyhow, to the specifics. Everyone has a different threshold with this stuff, and it's kind of on us to be honest about our own. If you are already experiencing a present of a heartache during the earliest stages of dating, as it seems you are, I think it's safe to say that, yes, you are looking at a future of more, since the foundation of your relationship has been built on validating turbulence and turning respect into a game. You're dating someone whom you believe to be psychologically unhinged, emotionally insecure, prone to "treating" her insecurities through punishing you and extracting thirst from randomsóyour words, and, generally speaking, not a recipe for harmony.

    I get it, don't get me wrong. Have waded into similar waters myself, along with the trying to understand why such waters appealed to me at the time. Rather than obsessing about her social media activity, you might want to shift those analytical tendencies to yourself and ask what's really drawing you to this. It would be a bit like me saying I value "healthy and organic" in my diet, but then eating loads of fast food and wondering why my stomach hurts. To which you might reply: eat the food you say you want to be eating, and see if you feel better.

    Perhaps you needed these five months where loyalty and respect have been more like concepts to learn that they are values you genuinely require more than what this romance has delivered?

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •