Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 37

Thread: Social Media and Boundaries

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,242
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Goodguy7
    And regarding your second comment. Yes sheís very attractive.
    So there you have it. Yeah, you can go down a wormhole of self-examination, which is always a good thing to do to clean out some corrosion and open the floodgates to let in the right currents, but you can expedite a fair amount of that by calling your bluff and admitting that you tossed out some pretty essential personal values in favor of some pretty surface-level ones. Happens. Hormones. Human.

    The thing about all the IG stuff? The casual mentions that if you saw her DM's you'd be "mad," the blocking/unblockng, and so forth? That is drama and ego, the opposite of depth and heart, though stir in some heart-to-hearts about divorce and a modicum of self-awareness and it can posture as depth, particularly if you like what you're looking at and whatever you're projecting onto it. I'm sure there is more to her than her being attractive, all sorts of appealing qualities, but be dead honest with yourself: subtract the attractive part, and would you be wearing the shoes you're wearing? Would you be this interested in how someone uses Instagram?

    Nothing wrong with hot being a value. You just may want the warm variety, rather than the kind that burns. It's out there, in spades. It's just not who you are with right now, though perhaps you needed to meet her to sharpen the compass a bit, and to grow up a bit. You may find that walking away from this, hard as it is to consider, is a step that affirms what you genuinely want, need, and deserve from romance, while continuing to invest makes those ideas seem only more abstract and unattainable.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,410
    There are plenty of absolutely lovely women who do not crave this kind of attention from male strangers. Women who know their physical attractiveness is NOT their only value.

    She seems to think "hot" is the only thing she brings to the table so she seeks reassurance and validation from strangers. The problem with this is eventually "hot" will fade and what will she have then?

    I'm sure you feel she has plenty of other qualities besides "hot". But does she? It doesn't seem so.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,655
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Goodguy7
    Yes sheís very attractive.

  4. #24
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Posts
    933
    Gender
    Female
    I feel like a lot of people disregard red flags if the person they are dating is "hot." Sad but true. And this girl has a LOT of red flags.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,410
    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    I feel like a lot of people disregard red flags if the person they are dating is "hot." Sad but true. And this girl has a LOT of red flags.
    I'm a curious person, so I asked some men I know if "hot" cancels out unintelligent. I was told "yes". I then asked if "hot" cancelled out, um, "difficult" (I used a different word that is not allowed here lol) and I was told "no way".

    So, some men will tolerate a lot if a woman is physically attractive but most of them have a line that they won't allow to be crossed. Others, however, will put up with an amazing amount of abuse if the woman is "hot".

    It goes both ways, of course. I dated a man who very strongly resembled a popular Hollywood movie star at the time. I just didn't like him for many reasons. Some of my friends told me I was crazy to stop dating him because "he's so good-looking!!!". I told them I couldn't stand the guy but they told me I should just overlook that. Well, I can't just look at him all day, at some point I'll have to actually talk to him! And I didn't want to.

    It's a matter of deciding if "hot" is good enough to overlook everything else. And eventually everyone's looks fade, so there's that. A stronger foundation than "she's so hot!" needs to be built IMO.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,242
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Others, however, will put up with an amazing amount of abuse if the woman is "hot".
    As a lover a wormholes, I'll venture down this one a bit...

    If on some deep core level the man knows that "hot" is the primary factor for being with a woman, he will take a certain amount of abuse as punishment for his own superficiality. The punishment gives the dynamic a gloss of intensity and complexityóit's not just about hot!óthat allows the hot week or hot month to expand into many months, or longer, at which point the connection, despite getting less and less hot and more and more like a third degree burn, gets defined as "rare," which is further coding for "more than just about hot."

    Not saying that's what's happening hereóthough not saying it's not part of what's happeningóbut just speaking in some broad brushstrokes, from observation and, yeah, some personal experience in that spin cycle.

    What I think is key point, for OP, is what bolt said about how she conceives of herself. If she believes that hot is all she has to offer, it really doesn't matter what else is there, real or imagined. People will always seek to validate their most dominate self-conceptions, and seek out people who reflect that back. On that note, of course, is worth asking what in you she is reflecting back and whether that's something you really want to keep putting weight on in your own self-conception.

  8. #27
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    12
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I'm a curious person, so I asked some men I know if "hot" cancels out unintelligent. I was told "yes". I then asked if "hot" cancelled out, um, "difficult" (I used a different word that is not allowed here lol) and I was told "no way".

    So, some men will tolerate a lot if a woman is physically attractive but most of them have a line that they won't allow to be crossed. Others, however, will put up with an amazing amount of abuse if the woman is "hot".

    It goes both ways, of course. I dated a man who very strongly resembled a popular Hollywood movie star at the time. I just didn't like him for many reasons. Some of my friends told me I was crazy to stop dating him because "he's so good-looking!!!". I told them I couldn't stand the guy but they told me I should just overlook that. Well, I can't just look at him all day, at some point I'll have to actually talk to him! And I didn't want to.

    It's a matter of deciding if "hot" is good enough to overlook everything else. And eventually everyone's looks fade, so there's that. A stronger foundation than "she's so hot!" needs to be built IMO.
    I know what you mean and typically agree with this. Itís definitely more than sheís just hot. Thereís a connection. Maybe I have high expectations. But I just need to stay true to my values and unfortunately and painfully Iím going to have to walk away. Canít force someone to change as people have said.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,242
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Goodguy7
    Maybe I have high expectations.
    I'm not sure how old you are, but given that she's been married once I'm going to assume we're talking here about people who have been living in the land of adulthood for a decent chunk of time. On that note, I really don't think it's such a high expectation to want to be a in a relationship with someone who doesn't use social media to toy with you.

  10. 02-24-2020, 05:04 PM

  11. #29
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Posts
    933
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Goodguy7
    I know what you mean and typically agree with this. Itís definitely more than sheís just hot. Thereís a connection. Maybe I have high expectations. But I just need to stay true to my values and unfortunately and painfully Iím going to have to walk away. Canít force someone to change as people have said.
    It's painful because she's hot? If someone treats you badly, it should not be painful to walk away.

  12. #30
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,625
    Gender
    Female
    Honestly, when you meet someone, you have to take them as they are...or not. if you have to make "agreements" about things they do - whether that be not to smoke, not to have social media, etc. The person you choose should already have similar values. its okay if they are different from you, but they should not have incompatible values about things that matter. a girlfriend is not your child. You go on dates and if someone isn't compatible with you, you don't go out with them again, no matter how hot the are.

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •