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I’ve been dating a girl I met online exclusively for about 5 months. I really love this girl. Like truly. I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time.

 

She comes from a rough past (no father/crazy mother, ran out on her husband for another man, dated the other man for years who was then cheating on her). We’ve had some conversations about her past and I’ve always been a loving, non judging, and understanding shoulder for her when it comes to this.

 

She lost many friends bc of the situation with her ex husband, and it has really effected her. Other than family I would say she only has a 3-4 close friends. She tells me she really learned her lesson from that situation and I believe her. But...

 

Over the past couple months some things have begun to bother me. Most notably her Instagram interactions. Like I said we met online on one app, but I found out through my friends that she had two other apps that included her Instagram tag. No big deal in the beginning because we weren’t exclusive and she’s free to date and talk to whoever. We both agreed to delete all these apps from our phone, which I believe we both did but not necessarily the profiles.

Anyway no big deal really, until I really started looking at her Instagram posts, followers, and activity. She posts a decent amount of selfies looking cute (nothing risqué), which I don’t really care about but it does come off a little vain in my opinion. Then I start noticing the comments and likes. 95% are men, who she doesn’t really know, flirting with her and she “likes” the comment and even flirts back in some cases. And she was adding a decent amount of men daily.

 

So I brought up to her my issues. I told her that she is clearly getting all these followers from dating sites (there really is no other explanation to get this amount of new followers, she doesn’t have creative content or is an influencer or anything like that and they are all men) and the fact that it was disrespectful to me that she’s interacting with these men that are flirting with her when we’re in a committed relationship. Her response was that I’m being insecure and that they and her are just being nice to each other and essentially she’s not going to do anything about it. I admit it obviously did make me feel insecure that’s why I brought it up and it’s just behavior that I don’t expect in my significant other. I value loyalty and respect most in a relationship.

 

This girl has told me outright how insecure she is about herself, and evidenced by her social media activity really craves male attention. She also has bouts of depression that can last weeks. Which, psychologically, I get based on her past but the inability to understand my boundaries (which I feel like are pretty normal boundaries in a relationship but I’d like the board’s opinion) and be flexible for your partner is really getting to me. It’s really tough for me to end it because I feel strongly for her, and this sort of connection is so rare.

 

Am I overreacting about the Instagram issue?

Do you think Im opening up myself to future heartache by being with this girl?

 

I know I can’t help her with her issues because I’m not a professional, but even if it doesn’t work between us, I really feel bad for her and want to help her.

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Sorry to hear this. Have you met in person? How often do you see each other? 20 weeks is the get-to-know-you period. It's a time for you to observe if someone is right for you not to start fixing and changing and playing therapist.

 

You're right, she needs a professional not a bf. She has way too much baggage to be able to be in whatever type of relationship you are looking for.

 

Also there is way too much policing on social media. It sounds quite unhealthy to distrust this much and try to fix or change anyone this much. It sounds like prison to have to explain social media posts to someone, delete social media accounts and be held hostage to insecurities.

I’ve been dating a girl I met online exclusively for about 5 months.

She lost many friends bc of the situation with her ex husband, and it has really effected her.

We both agreed to delete all these apps from our phone, which I believe we both did but not necessarily the profiles.

She also has bouts of depression that can last weeks.

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I personally would not like this at all in a partner and I can see where others would be fine with it. Figure out your boundaries and comfort level and own it. I don't relate to her need for this sort of attention based on physical features, on social media. Again that's just me. What about you?

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Sorry to hear this. Have you met in person? How often do you see each other? 20 weeks is the get-to-know-you period. It's a time for you to observe if someone is right for you not to start fixing and changing and playing therapist.

 

You're right, she needs a professional not a bf. She has way too much baggage to be able to be in whatever type of relationship you are looking for.

 

Also there is way too much policing on social media. It sounds quite unhealthy to distrust this much and try to fix or change anyone this much. It sounds like prison to have to explain social media posts to someone, delete social media accounts and be held hostage to insecurities.

 

Yes we dated for about 2 months before coming exclusive. Dropped the L word, everything.

Funny you mention blocking bc she has unfollowed/followed back me on multiple social media accounts about 4 times bc she got “mad” at me.

 

The unfollowing cycle has made me even more insecure. It feels like she is trying to punish me. I’ve quit doing it for my own sanity and I do feel bad for diving deep into her activity, but my fear is if I can’t give her the attention she obviously constantly needs will she pursue it elsewhere? It almost seems like she’s living a double life, being that she doesn’t even know these people. I have never dealt with someone who interacts on social media like this.

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I personally would not like this at all in a partner and I can see where others would be fine with it. Figure out your boundaries and comfort level and own it. I don't relate to her need for this sort of attention based on physical features, on social media. Again that's just me. What about you?

 

No I don’t relate to it. It seems desperate. She once told me that I would probably get really mad if I saw her DMs on Instagram but that she doesn’t respond back to them. I took her word for it.

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Do yourself a favor and get out of this crazy situation.

 

You're going to have to be really strong. Think of it as tough love.... people need to heal and fix themselves. All those things we post about, like "someday someone will love you enough to heal you" are complete BS.

 

Most people's behavior is completely based on how, they were able to be successful or get what they want in the past.

 

If they were raised in or expereinced healthy boundaries, (punishment and reward) then they learned to work hard, with integrity, fairness, compromise, to acheive goals..... all the things we can watch on sesame street [emoji4]

 

On the other hand, dysfunction creates dysfunction. You can't use the logic from the first scenario to explain or predict the actions of someone in the 2nd scenario.

 

You cannot fix someone and you can't love them enough to change those internal struggles that cause the person to lie, manipulate, etc. They only know their way. Both types only know their way.

 

The only way they change is to choose to change. The only reason to choose to change is to get somethinng we want enough to change.

 

So you have to be the stronger person and love yourself. Find someone capable of the healthy version of love.... or stay with crazy and always sacrifice your happiness for theirs.

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I value loyalty and respect most in a relationship.

 

You sure about this?

 

In getting to know her you learned that she struggles to maintain friendships, ran out on her husband, and uses social media to court nebulous male attention though thirsty selfies. How all that could trigger "respect and loyalty"—well, it's just hard math for me to compute. How it could trigger excitement, on the other hand, the thrill of a challenge, wanting to see if you can be the special someone to tame the mustang, fix the broken bird, and so forth—that would be more understandable.

 

Anyhow, to the specifics. Everyone has a different threshold with this stuff, and it's kind of on us to be honest about our own. If you are already experiencing a present of a heartache during the earliest stages of dating, as it seems you are, I think it's safe to say that, yes, you are looking at a future of more, since the foundation of your relationship has been built on validating turbulence and turning respect into a game. You're dating someone whom you believe to be psychologically unhinged, emotionally insecure, prone to "treating" her insecurities through punishing you and extracting thirst from randoms—your words, and, generally speaking, not a recipe for harmony.

 

I get it, don't get me wrong. Have waded into similar waters myself, along with the trying to understand why such waters appealed to me at the time. Rather than obsessing about her social media activity, you might want to shift those analytical tendencies to yourself and ask what's really drawing you to this. It would be a bit like me saying I value "healthy and organic" in my diet, but then eating loads of fast food and wondering why my stomach hurts. To which you might reply: eat the food you say you want to be eating, and see if you feel better.

 

Perhaps you needed these five months where loyalty and respect have been more like concepts to learn that they are values you genuinely require more than what this romance has delivered?

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She hooks men by playing the victim card stetting the stage for her for manipulation. Instead of rising above it, and putting it behind her, she lets it define her, and use it as a tool to get people to come to her rescue, give her attention. You feel her condition is way too delicate to be firm with her, and let her acts to be forgiven. You sir are enabling the behavior by making excuses about her "troubled" past. This relationship is based on white knight syndrome. It would be wise to get out of it.

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If the only way you can be happy in a relationship is if she changes in a major way, then the relationship isn't right for you. She has the right to be the train wreck she is, but you also should have the sensibility to say, "This relationship is working for me." And walk away.

 

When you cut the losers loose, it frees you to find someone who matches you in all the major ways.

 

There's a saying that goes something like: Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself.

 

You have a lot of work to do on your self-worth, or you will subconsciously keep picking inappropriate women. This special connection you feel, feels so right, because crap is what you think you deserve. Read articles and books on how to achieve higher self-esteem, and I bet who you're attracted to will be the opposite of who attracts you now. Good luck.

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She hooks men by playing the victim card setting the stage for her for manipulation.

 

I don't disagree with this, but I'd offer something even simpler.

 

Is she very hot? Is she a very hot person who, in the early stages, is very, very into men? If so, I would say she "hooks" men by being hot and delivering the time-tested drug of having a hot person be very into you, with the victim stuff an extra dash of hot sauce. So in OP's shoes I would have an honest conversation with himself about whether he would be this valiant of a white knight if she were less hot or less into him, at least when she's not toying with him and strumming the strings of his own self-esteem issues that Andrina deftly outlined.

 

Not a fun self-chat to have—as few people want to be reduced to such a primitive, heat-seeking form, and we are all more gloriously complicated than cavemen and cavewomen—but one that can prevent a lot of whiplash and bring about some clarity, in certain scenarios.

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You're discovering you're not actually that compatible with her, OP.

 

She sounds attention-hungry, yes, and quite immature. The blocking/unfollowing/following when she's "mad" is what teenagers do. Adults who do this? There's an emotional maturity deficit there somewhere. Openly telling you that you'd be angry if you saw her private measages on IG? Also an immature move. I don't think she's learned as much from her past as she says.

 

As for your own desire to help her, well, that's a fool's errand if she's not asking for your help. She's fine carrying on like this. If you don't like it, the only person you really need to help is yourself - by delving deep and figuring out why you want to stick around with someone whose boundaries are so in conflict with your own.

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You sure about this?

 

In getting to know her you learned that she struggles to maintain friendships, ran out on her husband, and uses social media to court nebulous male attention though thirsty selfies. How all that could trigger "respect and loyalty"—well, it's just hard math for me to compute. How it could trigger excitement, on the other hand, the thrill of a challenge, wanting to see if you can be the special someone to tame the mustang, fix the broken bird, and so forth—that would be more understandable.

 

Anyhow, to the specifics. Everyone has a different threshold with this stuff, and it's kind of on us to be honest about our own. If you are already experiencing a present of a heartache during the earliest stages of dating, as it seems you are, I think it's safe to say that, yes, you are looking at a future of more, since the foundation of your relationship has been built on validating turbulence and turning respect into a game. You're dating someone whom you believe to be psychologically unhinged, emotionally insecure, prone to "treating" her insecurities through punishing you and extracting thirst from randoms—your words, and, generally speaking, not a recipe for harmony.

 

I get it, don't get me wrong. Have waded into similar waters myself, along with the trying to understand why such waters appealed to me at the time. Rather than obsessing about her social media activity, you might want to shift those analytical tendencies to yourself and ask what's really drawing you to this. It would be a bit like me saying I value "healthy and organic" in my diet, but then eating loads of fast food and wondering why my stomach hurts. To which you might reply: eat the food you say you want to be eating, and see if you feel better.

 

Perhaps you needed these five months where loyalty and respect have been more like concepts to learn that they are values you genuinely require more than what this romance has delivered?

 

 

Man... these comments really just hit home for me.

 

And regarding your second comment. Yes she’s very attractive.

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If the only way you can be happy in a relationship is if she changes in a major way, then the relationship isn't right for you. She has the right to be the train wreck she is, but you also should have the sensibility to say, "This relationship is working for me." And walk away.

 

When you cut the losers loose, it frees you to find someone who matches you in all the major ways.

 

There's a saying that goes something like: Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself.

 

You have a lot of work to do on your self-worth, or you will subconsciously keep picking inappropriate women. This special connection you feel, feels so right, because crap is what you think you deserve. Read articles and books on how to achieve higher self-esteem, and I bet who you're attracted to will be the opposite of who attracts you now. Good luck.

 

 

This is a fair assessment at this point. Thank you

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She hooks men by playing the victim card stetting the stage for her for manipulation. Instead of rising above it, and putting it behind her, she lets it define her, and use it as a tool to get people to come to her rescue, give her attention. You feel her condition is way too delicate to be firm with her, and let her acts to be forgiven. You sir are enabling the behavior by making excuses about her "troubled" past. This relationship is based on white knight syndrome. It would be wise to get out of it.

 

I think there is a bit of white knight syndrome going on. I could see you thinking she uses the past as a crutch but she really doesn’t. I would say all things considered she has done well with trying to put it behind her. I do agree though that I’m making excuses for her to try to be “okay” with the behavior I don’t agree with.

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As Andrina said, if someone has to "change" to be right for you they're wrong for you.

 

The only way this relationship will work is if you decide you truly are not bothered by her social media activity or she chooses ON HER OWN to stop. If neither of these things happen the relationship will not work.

 

You can meet someone else who shares your boundaries.

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And regarding your second comment. Yes she’s very attractive.

 

So there you have it. Yeah, you can go down a wormhole of self-examination, which is always a good thing to do to clean out some corrosion and open the floodgates to let in the right currents, but you can expedite a fair amount of that by calling your bluff and admitting that you tossed out some pretty essential personal values in favor of some pretty surface-level ones. Happens. Hormones. Human.

 

The thing about all the IG stuff? The casual mentions that if you saw her DM's you'd be "mad," the blocking/unblockng, and so forth? That is drama and ego, the opposite of depth and heart, though stir in some heart-to-hearts about divorce and a modicum of self-awareness and it can posture as depth, particularly if you like what you're looking at and whatever you're projecting onto it. I'm sure there is more to her than her being attractive, all sorts of appealing qualities, but be dead honest with yourself: subtract the attractive part, and would you be wearing the shoes you're wearing? Would you be this interested in how someone uses Instagram?

 

Nothing wrong with hot being a value. You just may want the warm variety, rather than the kind that burns. It's out there, in spades. It's just not who you are with right now, though perhaps you needed to meet her to sharpen the compass a bit, and to grow up a bit. You may find that walking away from this, hard as it is to consider, is a step that affirms what you genuinely want, need, and deserve from romance, while continuing to invest makes those ideas seem only more abstract and unattainable.

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There are plenty of absolutely lovely women who do not crave this kind of attention from male strangers. Women who know their physical attractiveness is NOT their only value.

 

She seems to think "hot" is the only thing she brings to the table so she seeks reassurance and validation from strangers. The problem with this is eventually "hot" will fade and what will she have then?

 

I'm sure you feel she has plenty of other qualities besides "hot". But does she? It doesn't seem so.

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I feel like a lot of people disregard red flags if the person they are dating is "hot." Sad but true. And this girl has a LOT of red flags.

 

I'm a curious person, so I asked some men I know if "hot" cancels out unintelligent. I was told "yes". I then asked if "hot" cancelled out, um, "difficult" (I used a different word that is not allowed here lol) and I was told "no way".

 

So, some men will tolerate a lot if a woman is physically attractive but most of them have a line that they won't allow to be crossed. Others, however, will put up with an amazing amount of abuse if the woman is "hot".

 

It goes both ways, of course. I dated a man who very strongly resembled a popular Hollywood movie star at the time. I just didn't like him for many reasons. Some of my friends told me I was crazy to stop dating him because "he's so good-looking!!!". I told them I couldn't stand the guy but they told me I should just overlook that. Well, I can't just look at him all day, at some point I'll have to actually talk to him! And I didn't want to.

 

It's a matter of deciding if "hot" is good enough to overlook everything else. And eventually everyone's looks fade, so there's that. A stronger foundation than "she's so hot!" needs to be built IMO.

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