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Thread: Social Media and Boundaries

  1. #11
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    She hooks men by playing the victim card stetting the stage for her for manipulation. Instead of rising above it, and putting it behind her, she lets it define her, and use it as a tool to get people to come to her rescue, give her attention. You feel her condition is way too delicate to be firm with her, and let her acts to be forgiven. You sir are enabling the behavior by making excuses about her "troubled" past. This relationship is based on white knight syndrome. It would be wise to get out of it.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think she's playing you. You didnt actually confirm that you have met in person. Red flags everywhere. I think you need to move on.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If the only way you can be happy in a relationship is if she changes in a major way, then the relationship isn't right for you. She has the right to be the train wreck she is, but you also should have the sensibility to say, "This relationship is working for me." And walk away.

    When you cut the losers loose, it frees you to find someone who matches you in all the major ways.

    There's a saying that goes something like: Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself.

    You have a lot of work to do on your self-worth, or you will subconsciously keep picking inappropriate women. This special connection you feel, feels so right, because crap is what you think you deserve. Read articles and books on how to achieve higher self-esteem, and I bet who you're attracted to will be the opposite of who attracts you now. Good luck.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    She hooks men by playing the victim card setting the stage for her for manipulation.
    I don't disagree with this, but I'd offer something even simpler.

    Is she very hot? Is she a very hot person who, in the early stages, is very, very into men? If so, I would say she "hooks" men by being hot and delivering the time-tested drug of having a hot person be very into you, with the victim stuff an extra dash of hot sauce. So in OP's shoes I would have an honest conversation with himself about whether he would be this valiant of a white knight if she were less hot or less into him, at least when she's not toying with him and strumming the strings of his own self-esteem issues that Andrina deftly outlined.

    Not a fun self-chat to have—as few people want to be reduced to such a primitive, heat-seeking form, and we are all more gloriously complicated than cavemen and cavewomen—but one that can prevent a lot of whiplash and bring about some clarity, in certain scenarios.

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  6. #15
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    You're discovering you're not actually that compatible with her, OP.

    She sounds attention-hungry, yes, and quite immature. The blocking/unfollowing/following when she's "mad" is what teenagers do. Adults who do this? There's an emotional maturity deficit there somewhere. Openly telling you that you'd be angry if you saw her private measages on IG? Also an immature move. I don't think she's learned as much from her past as she says.

    As for your own desire to help her, well, that's a fool's errand if she's not asking for your help. She's fine carrying on like this. If you don't like it, the only person you really need to help is yourself - by delving deep and figuring out why you want to stick around with someone whose boundaries are so in conflict with your own.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I think she's playing you. You didnt actually confirm that you have met in person. Red flags everywhere. I think you need to move on.
    Sorry thought I made that clear. Yes, we’ve been in person for 7 months.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You sure about this?

    In getting to know her you learned that she struggles to maintain friendships, ran out on her husband, and uses social media to court nebulous male attention though thirsty selfies. How all that could trigger "respect and loyalty"—well, it's just hard math for me to compute. How it could trigger excitement, on the other hand, the thrill of a challenge, wanting to see if you can be the special someone to tame the mustang, fix the broken bird, and so forth—that would be more understandable.

    Anyhow, to the specifics. Everyone has a different threshold with this stuff, and it's kind of on us to be honest about our own. If you are already experiencing a present of a heartache during the earliest stages of dating, as it seems you are, I think it's safe to say that, yes, you are looking at a future of more, since the foundation of your relationship has been built on validating turbulence and turning respect into a game. You're dating someone whom you believe to be psychologically unhinged, emotionally insecure, prone to "treating" her insecurities through punishing you and extracting thirst from randoms—your words, and, generally speaking, not a recipe for harmony.

    I get it, don't get me wrong. Have waded into similar waters myself, along with the trying to understand why such waters appealed to me at the time. Rather than obsessing about her social media activity, you might want to shift those analytical tendencies to yourself and ask what's really drawing you to this. It would be a bit like me saying I value "healthy and organic" in my diet, but then eating loads of fast food and wondering why my stomach hurts. To which you might reply: eat the food you say you want to be eating, and see if you feel better.

    Perhaps you needed these five months where loyalty and respect have been more like concepts to learn that they are values you genuinely require more than what this romance has delivered?

    Man... these comments really just hit home for me.

    And regarding your second comment. Yes she’s very attractive.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    If the only way you can be happy in a relationship is if she changes in a major way, then the relationship isn't right for you. She has the right to be the train wreck she is, but you also should have the sensibility to say, "This relationship is working for me." And walk away.

    When you cut the losers loose, it frees you to find someone who matches you in all the major ways.

    There's a saying that goes something like: Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself.

    You have a lot of work to do on your self-worth, or you will subconsciously keep picking inappropriate women. This special connection you feel, feels so right, because crap is what you think you deserve. Read articles and books on how to achieve higher self-esteem, and I bet who you're attracted to will be the opposite of who attracts you now. Good luck.

    This is a fair assessment at this point. Thank you

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    She hooks men by playing the victim card stetting the stage for her for manipulation. Instead of rising above it, and putting it behind her, she lets it define her, and use it as a tool to get people to come to her rescue, give her attention. You feel her condition is way too delicate to be firm with her, and let her acts to be forgiven. You sir are enabling the behavior by making excuses about her "troubled" past. This relationship is based on white knight syndrome. It would be wise to get out of it.
    I think there is a bit of white knight syndrome going on. I could see you thinking she uses the past as a crutch but she really doesn’t. I would say all things considered she has done well with trying to put it behind her. I do agree though that I’m making excuses for her to try to be “okay” with the behavior I don’t agree with.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    As Andrina said, if someone has to "change" to be right for you they're wrong for you.

    The only way this relationship will work is if you decide you truly are not bothered by her social media activity or she chooses ON HER OWN to stop. If neither of these things happen the relationship will not work.

    You can meet someone else who shares your boundaries.

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