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Catastrophizing boyfriend?


cloudsandsky

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I don't know what to do about my boyfriend, I can't seem to say anything right to him at the moment.

 

He has had a rash for several weeks, a fungal rash like jock itch, down his legs and butt, and he is very self-conscious about it. He won't let me see it. He has been to the doctor who prescribed a cream, which did not work, so now the doctor prescribed something stronger---a course of pills.

 

He tells me he's embarrassed by it, feels ugly, says he can't do anything, like work out or go to the pool, and he won't have sex because he's so self conscious. I tell him, no problem, I still think he's the most beautiful man in the world, and he says he doesn't believe me, and gets angry---that kind of comment apparently means I don't 'get' the severity of it.

 

I say I understand why it's really stressing him out---he replies, "no you don't".

 

But it does feel like he is catastrophizing.

 

I have tried rationalizing with him to calm him down, saying "not to worry, the doctors will keep trying new treatments until it's under control". But this makes him angry, so I stopped doing that, and now just try to listen and say I understand his feelings.

 

But if I don't emote enough, he still gets angry saying I don't respect the severity of the situation, that I am a bad partner, and that he can't believe how cruel I am, being so calm about it.

 

If I ask about it--"how is your rash", etc--he gets mad, and says, "I told you I don't want to talk about it! You know it's a trigger!".

If I stay quiet about it, he gets mad--"you're so unsupportive, you show no sign of concern!".

 

I honestly don't know what to do, it's clearly stressing him out, and I want to support him.

But equally, I am finding it very hard to be in a relationship where if i ask about it i'm in trouble, and if i don't i'm in trouble.

 

I don't like being called nasty or cruel or unsupportive, when I'm trying to be the exact opposite.

 

I feel like he is projecting his frustration onto me, and it really hurts.

 

Tonight, after he shouted at me again, and told me I was unsupportive and cruel (I had said I thought he was still beautiful after he said he felt ugly), I said i can't be there for him if he's going to keep calling me names. I had to say to him "I'm sorry. I find it very hard to be there for you when I feel like I'm being attacked."

 

Would love any advice, struggling here in the whirlwind to figure out if i'm being the best boyfriend i can be.

 

It has been about two months of this now. Ugh.

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Sorry to hear this. Let his doctors handle it. Stop coddling, mommying, reassuring him and playing therapist...

 

You need to reconsider being with someone like this. Break up and let him stew and talk to doctors and therapists. Next time do not treat a man like a baby with diaper rash.

He won't let me see it.

I tell him, no problem, I still think he's the most beautiful man in the world

I say I understand why it's really stressing him out---he replies, "no you don't".

I have tried rationalizing with him to calm him down, saying "not to worry, the doctors will keep trying new treatments until it's under control".

I understand his feelings.

I ask about it--"how is your rash", etc--he gets mad

I want to support him.

I had said I thought he was still beautiful after he said he felt ugly

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If he's been given pills it likely is a bacterial infection and can be contagious. Those can be serious. I am NOT saying this because I have medical knowledge- based on personal experience with my son (and I ended up with what he had although more localized). It was very painful for him physically (well he was 8 at the time) and the medicine/creams are no fun either. I do not think he should be abusive or yelling at you at all of course. Do you know if he's suffered past trauma because of illness/infections? His or someone else's? Ask him specifically what would work for him as far as support from you. And tell him with I statements "I feel hurt when you lash out at me" etc

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Like most guys, they don't like talking about it....so don't. Ignore his condition....just leave it alone. Act like nothing is going on....he just wants some normalcy.

 

I don't think he has any past trauma or mental illness or whatever...the poor guy is simply frustrated. If you had a rash around your genitals for 2 months you would be out of your mind about it too.

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Sorry to hear this. Let his doctors handle it. Stop coddling, mommying, reassuring him and playing therapist...

 

You need to reconsider being with someone like this. Break up and let him stew and talk to doctors and therapists. Next time do not treat a man like a baby with diaper rash.

 

ok thank you

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If he's been given pills it likely is a bacterial infection and can be contagious. Those can be serious. I am NOT saying this because I have medical knowledge- based on personal experience with my son (and I ended up with what he had although more localized). It was very painful for him physically (well he was 8 at the time) and the medicine/creams are no fun either. I do not think he should be abusive or yelling at you at all of course. Do you know if he's suffered past trauma because of illness/infections? His or someone else's? Ask him specifically what would work for him as far as support from you. And tell him with I statements "I feel hurt when you lash out at me" etc

 

i believe it is an oral antifungal medication, but yes doc warned it can be transmitted through skin contact, so we are being careful with towels, wearing pyjamas, etc. No he has had no trauma from serious illness before, as far as I know. I would say he definitely reacts in a bigger way than me to any (what i would consider) small ailment - a cold is always "flu" and he'll cancel work at the slightest headache. I do ask him specifically what would work for him as far as support from me, but he is unable to vocalize his needs or at least inconsistent - flipping between "i told you i don't want to talk about it!" and "you show no concern, you haven't even ASKED me about it!". i point out the contradiction, but i don't get a rational response, just more accusations of cruelty and "not getting" him . ugh

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Like most guys, they don't like talking about it....so don't. Ignore his condition....just leave it alone. Act like nothing is going on....he just wants some normalcy.

 

I don't think he has any past trauma or mental illness or whatever...the poor guy is simply frustrated. If you had a rash around your genitals for 2 months you would be out of your mind about it too.

 

thank you. my problem is really that if i leave it alone, i get in trouble. if i ask or show concern, i get in trouble. i point this out, and i just get met with an angry "what are you even talking about!". my most recent tactic has only been to respond if he brings it up himself, but even then i feel like he is spoiling for a fight. feels like he is taking it out on me :-(

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You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, it seems. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

Has he ever shown this side of himself in other contexts?

 

Thank you. Only that he overreacts to any illness. i worry what is going to happen in old age when (god forbid) he gets something much more serious. i want to be there for him, but he's pushing me away.

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He wants you to be wrong.

 

He's upset about his condition and wants to figuratively "kick the dog" to punish SOMEONE for his condition. You're there, available, and, I presume, tell him you love him despite the way he treats you. So he figures you're an easy target to take his frustration out on.

 

That's not OK.

 

It's up to you if you want to continue to be beaten down by him.

 

I would tell him one more time that I am not his verbal punching bag and if he wants to allow me to comfort him I am happy to, but I will not tolerate being verbally abused. If he continues to behave poorly I would make arrangements to stay elsewhere. He may need to "lose" you to figure out if he really wants to keep treating you this way. With many people, if there are no consequences there is no change.

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How old is he? Be even more careful and break up. He sounds like too much work a bit of a hypochondriac, self-centered and a tad abusive. Why are you tolerating this no less having sex with him? Read up on abusive relationships.

 

Do not reward abuse with sex, no less sex that could make you sick. Get to a doctor for an evaluation. Candidly discuss what is going on including his abuse. Ask for a referral to a therapist so you can explore why you settle for this type of guy.

i doc warned it can be transmitted through skin contact, so we are being careful with towels, wearing pyjamas, etc.

 

i don't get a rational response, just more accusations of cruelty and "not getting" him . ugh

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i believe it is an oral antifungal medication, but yes doc warned it can be transmitted through skin contact, so we are being careful with towels, wearing pyjamas, etc. No he has had no trauma from serious illness before, as far as I know. I would say he definitely reacts in a bigger way than me to any (what i would consider) small ailment - a cold is always "flu" and he'll cancel work at the slightest headache. I do ask him specifically what would work for him as far as support from me, but he is unable to vocalize his needs or at least inconsistent - flipping between "i told you i don't want to talk about it!" and "you show no concern, you haven't even ASKED me about it!". i point out the contradiction, but i don't get a rational response, just more accusations of cruelty and "not getting" him . ugh

 

He sounds dramatic! Stop feeding into this.

 

Are you certain that he is not like in other areas?

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He wants you to be wrong.

 

He's upset about his condition and wants to figuratively "kick the dog" to punish SOMEONE for his condition. You're there, available, and, I presume, tell him you love him despite the way he treats you. So he figures you're an easy target to take his frustration out on.

 

That's not OK.

 

It's up to you if you want to continue to be beaten down by him.

 

I would tell him one more time that I am not his verbal punching bag and if he wants to allow me to comfort him I am happy to, but I will not tolerate being verbally abused. If he continues to behave poorly I would make arrangements to stay elsewhere. He may need to "lose" you to figure out if he really wants to keep treating you this way. With many people, if there are no consequences there is no change.

 

 

I agree. Follow through with this advice.

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I could maybe understand if he really didn't want to talk about it and that being a boundary he could reasonably ask for you to respect. Reading through the first half, I was bordering on his side as to why you kept noting it and inquiring about it despite his obvious insecurity and discomfort around it. But there's a big difference between that and carrying on healthily, and then him barking at you for not doing precisely what he didn't want you to do.

 

It puts you in a no-win situation that I'd honestly just bounce from altogether. But in the future, whether with him or anyone else, that's something you nip at the bud straight away. Don't let that become a dynamic. I've had a couple women pull that routine during my dating life. There are times you should be diplomatic, and then there are times any sugar coating will only enable them. If you're bent on staying with him, I'd tell him in no kinder words, "You've told me you're uncomfortable talking about it, and I love and respect you enough to subsequently give you that space and handle it on your own. However, I will not be rebuked for doing just that." It's a big red flag to say the very least.

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Thank you. My problem is if i dont discuss it, i still get shouted at!

 

Oh, I get he is like a three year old when sick. I have no time of day for that. I work when half dead and worked on broken limbs etc. If he is going to shout at every little thing I tell him to go tell mommy she might care.

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"I'm sorry. I find it very hard to be there for you when I feel like I'm being attacked."
Then you have told him the score. Now, just ignore the fact he has pizza butt and if he berates you for not asking how he is again, just ignore him and leave to go out and do something that will take your mind off of him and his diaper rash. You are only fueling his poor-meism if you stay to take his verbal/emotional abuse of you.

 

Do you live together? If you don't, then it will be much easier for you to leave him alone in his self-induced misery. Geeze, unless its shingles he has, I can't see why he's being so ly about it to you. Shingles if very painful so a bad mood is understandable but seeing is that he just seems to be embarrassed and crothetty about it, I'd let him alone to it and if he complained that I'm not "caring" then I'd just repeat that statement I quoted above to him.

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My quick advice is, ASK him what he needs when it comes to dealing with this rash. Stop assuming that he needs you to tell him he's beautiful, etc

 

Literally ask him what you can do to support him.

 

Secondly, stop invalidating his feelings. Yes, to you it might seem like the wrong reaction or that he's overreacting but that's only making him feel unheard and that you do not understand the suffering he is going through.

 

Truth be told, you don't understand unless you lived it yourself...and even then...how you deal with things does not make how he deals with things better or worse.

You just deal with things in a different manner.

 

Try to get on the same page as one another. He is under stress due to what is going on. Be considerate of that. He's not going to be himself until he feel's he is no longer dealing with a medical issue.

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