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Thread: Time to end the relationship?

  1. #1

    Time to end the relationship?

    Hello all, long time lurker, first time poster :)

    I have been dating a woman for about 3 months now. The back story on her, she is in her 40s, divorced with two small kids. She has been divorced for three-four years. Her ex husband cheated on her while she was pregnant with the second child. They tried to work it out for 6 years after the affair, but he continued to cheat and they divorced. They were married for a total of 13 years, together since high school. They still have regular contact because of the kids.

    Why I am I telling you this? I don't think she's over her ex husband and want to get your guy's thoughts on how i should proceed. When we first started dating, things were amazing and fun. Full of romance, laughter and all the good stuff. About two months in she started to really pull back, then get close, then pull back. Hot/cold/hot/cold.

    Why I think she isn't over her ex husband:

    -She talks about him constantly, complaining about him - and then sometimes says why do you always bring him up - I don't.
    -She has photos of them in her bedroom.
    -He has a girlfriend that lives with him, and if they get engaged, my gf is going to tell the fiance' that he cheated - i said this will look super petty and no one will care
    -One morning when I spent the night, she said that he sees my vehicle at her house (when he has the kids he drops them off nearby for school bus pickup), and she wonder's what he thinks about me sleeping with his wife
    -I had never met her kids, but one morning before school, the oldest, 11 years old came into the house (instead of hanging out by the bus stop)-she said that she should've told me that kid may come in, and that he will tell his dad that mom had a man over this morning
    -Due to the amount of time she spends talking about her ex husband, I brought up that I felt like she wanted to get back together with the ex - she got very angry, told me she is tired of being around insecure guys that say this (multiple guys she has dated since her divorce have apparently had the same thought) and told me to never ever say that again.

    Your guys thoughts? I felt pretty good about the relationship for the first two months, but now I think it's on a crash course nose dive.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Yes, I agree, your relationship is on a crash course nose dive.

    Nothing will change as long as you're in a relationship with her. She will continue to talk about her ex, continue to have a ex-husband relationship due to the kids, her kids take top priority over you always and should you complain, she will have a ready retort and put you back in your "place."

    After 2 months, your relationship has met its end. I'm sorry. It doesn't look good.

  3. #3
    I am not worried about the kids being top priority. I understand that.

    I am more concerned with her not being over her ex, even though he seems to have moved on past her. I just want to make sure that I am not alone in my thinking.



    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Yes, I agree, your relationship is on a crash course nose dive.

    Nothing will change as long as you're in a relationship with her. She will continue to talk about her ex, continue to have a ex-husband relationship due to the kids, her kids take top priority over you always and should you complain, she will have a ready retort and put you back in your "place."

    After 2 months, your relationship has met its end. I'm sorry. It doesn't look good.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    First off, welcome to ENA.

    If all of what your wrote is true, she is most definitely using you in attempts to try and make her ex jealous. She is not over him and is still watching him very closely.
    It's up to you now if you want to stay or not knowing this.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mrbreezer
    Hello all, long time lurker, first time poster :)

    I have been dating a woman for about 3 months now. The back story on her, she is in her 40s, divorced with two small kids. She has been divorced for three-four years. Her ex husband cheated on her while she was pregnant with the second child. They tried to work it out for 6 years after the affair, but he continued to cheat and they divorced. They were married for a total of 13 years, together since high school. They still have regular contact because of the kids.

    Why I am I telling you this? I don't think she's over her ex husband and want to get your guy's thoughts on how i should proceed. When we first started dating, things were amazing and fun. Full of romance, laughter and all the good stuff. About two months in she started to really pull back, then get close, then pull back. Hot/cold/hot/cold.

    Why I think she isn't over her ex husband:

    -She talks about him constantly, complaining about him - and then sometimes says why do you always bring him up - I don't.
    -She has photos of them in her bedroom.
    -He has a girlfriend that lives with him, and if they get engaged, my gf is going to tell the fiance' that he cheated - i said this will look super petty and no one will care
    -One morning when I spent the night, she said that he sees my vehicle at her house (when he has the kids he drops them off nearby for school bus pickup), and she wonder's what he thinks about me sleeping with his wife
    -I had never met her kids, but one morning before school, the oldest, 11 years old came into the house (instead of hanging out by the bus stop)-she said that she should've told me that kid may come in, and that he will tell his dad that mom had a man over this morning
    -Due to the amount of time she spends talking about her ex husband, I brought up that I felt like she wanted to get back together with the ex - she got very angry, told me she is tired of being around insecure guys that say this (multiple guys she has dated since her divorce have apparently had the same thought) and told me to never ever say that again.

    Your guys thoughts? I felt pretty good about the relationship for the first two months, but now I think it's on a crash course nose dive.
    The examples you mention are big red flags. Still having pictures in her bedroom, wanting to tell the live in gf he cheated, the anger when you brought up her behavior... I think this is a losing battle.

    I could see family pics in the kids' rooms and not wanting you to meet the children. But this woman is not emotionally available to you.

    And the sooner you end it the better off you will be. You deserve someone who responds to your feelings with compassion and concern, not accuse you of being an insecure guy.

    What a cop out, all these insecure men she is so sick off... please. manipulation 101. belittle the concern and blame the other person for being insecure.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    and she wonder's what he thinks about me sleeping with his wife
    That's more than obvious that she wants him to see her with another man in order to make him jealous and she still mentally think's she's his wife.

  8. #7
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    You are being used buddy. End it, block and move on. Nothing for you here.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Generally speaking, the first few months—the first year, really—of any relationship should just be easy. This is the opposite of that, and that alone is telling that you plus her are not equaling something sparkling or sustainable.

    As for the specifics? Doesn't sound great. Can only speak for myself, but I don't like a whole lot of ex talk in the early days, or really during any days. One of the pluses, in ways, of dating someone with children is that you inevitably learn pretty quickly what kind of relationship they have with their ex since, alas, that relationship is ongoing, just in a different shape. The anger, the resentment, the fiery ruminating on what he thinks of her and barbed thoughts of her own—she's put it all out there, and quickly. Now it is up to you to decide want you want to do with it.

    One thing I'll say that caught my eye? If what you said to her is, specifically, that you felt she wanted to get back together with her ex—well, that is likely to ruffle anyone's feathers. It is an assumption—a negative and loaded one—which rarely goes over well, with anyone, accurate or not. Not saying that to tsk-tsk you, but just to be aware that when you're making a comment like that it's as much as sign that things aren't working than any kind of nuclear response you get.

    Sorry about all this. I know that it's hard when early promise sours so quickly.

  10. #9
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    If she's been told the same thing by multiple people she was dating in the past, then what's the common denominator here? She has a lot of emotional baggage that she brings into a relationship and if you want to be with her, it is something you will have to accept. If I were in your place, I would walk away. There's not much there to build a future connection or relationship on when she is still preoccupied with her ex.

  11. #10
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    End it. Clearly not over the ex. You should have bailed when she started talking about him. I think it is disturbing that she is trying to use the child to make him jealous.

    It is only 3 months, you already know what to do.

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