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Thread: Down the Toilet

  1. #1
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    Down the Toilet

    To get straight to the point, my relationship of nearly 8 years came to a close a few days ago. I had previously posted that we went on a break, as it increasingly seemed as though his friends and hobbies were coming before our relationship, and the excitement on his end seemed to be a bit faded. He still told me I was beautiful and that he could never look at someone the way he looks at me right up until the end, and the break happened for him to find reason in why he couldnít put me first. Unfortunately, after two months apart, he came back to tell me I wasnít on his mind as much as he thought I would be. He had gotten closer to some friends who showed him a life of excitement and partying that he was more than happy to share the details of with me. He hadnít seen anyone else, but seemed to have taken his immature behaviors from when we were together, and immersed himself in them. Barely spending time alone, Iím not surprised I wasnít on his mind. Bad friends and substances filled the void so not only was he distracted, but he felt good while doing it. I let him go calmly. I agreed weíre not the same people and we donít want the same things. Logic is easy to see, but Iím afraid for him. In 8 years you get to know someone deeply, and this life heís choosing is not who he truly is. Thereís so much masking of pain and responsibility that I know his future wonít be happy if he continues the same way. All of this, yet I still know I canít make it my responsibility to worry. Heís made his choice, and it wasnít me. I just donít know how to cope with that.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    In a way you finally have closure and now can move on to someone more compatible. It would be best to start the process of no contact and deleting him and all his people from all your social media, messaging apps and devices.

    You've both grown but in different directions. Reconnect with friends, take some classes and courses, volunteer. Join some groups and clubs. Get in shape update your look, clothes etc. Get more involved in your profession. Do all the things being in a stagnant relationship for to long held you back from.

    My advice on this remains the same: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by LTNS
    my relationship of nearly 8 years came to a close a few days ago. Unfortunately, after two months apart, he came back to tell me I wasnít on his mind as much as he thought I would be. Bad friends and substances filled the void so not only was he distracted, but he felt good while doing it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sorry you are losing your best friend. It's a process of grieving you will have to go through, but in time you will start to get over the waves of pain and sadness. Life will be again joyful as you look forward to a new chapter in your life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your sadness and helplessness, LTNS. Let time heal your old wounds someday. Anything new is still raw and painful.

    I've had to let go of several people from my life, too. My cousin ans sister are prime examples. In my past, I've had innocent, wonderful relationships and the problem is, people are not the same anymore dependent upon whom they meet whether it's their worldly friends, worldly partners or worldly spouses. As my mother taught me, many formerly innocent and naive people become corrupt and tainted. She said 'your friends are your future' and 'you are the company you keep.' They become one of them and their negative influences are ingrained in their psyche and lifestyle. You have no control over that.

    People are given the gift of free will and with that free will comes either good or bad choices and decisions. People are grown adults, it's their life and they'll do with it what they will.

    You cope by knowing down deep within your bones that your decision is steadfast, unwavering and absolute. You cope by reminding yourself that you are a logical person and did the right thing. A lot of times we have to arrive at a conclusion that is best for the situation and knowing this will give you peace of mind. Doing the right thing is often times not a happy scenario and ending but it's the right decision to be fair and respectful for both parties. Going your separate ways or estrangement brings peace and fairness. The message is: "Go live your life while I live mine."

    Whenever people are incompatible, it's better to split permanently so each side can have the freedom to do what they want on their terms since both sides don't agree.

    He's a big boy and responsible for himself. All you can do is wish him well no matter what, pray for him from afar and that's it. You cope by keeping yourself safe and out of harm's way mentally and physically. Even though you can't see this now, often times it is best to part ways because another person's lifestyle is risky due to their activities, social life and whom they associate with. You never want to get caught up in the wrong shady crowd due to your relationship because it is dangerous and unsafe for you. You'll end up at the wrong place at the wrong time.

    I went through something similar and didn't know how to cope with departures from past people. What helped me was to separate sadness from reality in my mind and I became more cold and calculating for my benefit and personal survival. It's a wake up call each time to have a harsh reality check and then the pragmatic side of my brain convinces me that I did the right thing. When you change the way you think, coping becomes easier over time.

    Also, remind yourself that certain people are toxic and poisonous for your life and the only way for you to live a clean, normal, good, smooth life is without immoral people in your life. You cope by accepting the knowledge that throughout your lifetime you will continue to weed out the bad apples from your life. We all do it. We don't keep everyone in our lives. Some people are keepers, some people are eliminated and for those who cannot be eliminated (such as in my case with relatives, in-laws and some colleagues), you enforce strong, healthy boundaries and borders with them.

    You cope by knowing you are continuing to grow and mature. Just like the rest of us in this thing called life, you've been around the block a few times and learn street smarts. Transform your sad coping into strength and wisdom gained. You cope by reminding yourself of the 'live and learn' mantra and your radar is up as you navigate your life more wisely in the future. You're no longer naive and now you can afford to become more picky and choosy. You cope by knowing you've received an invaluable education. You cope by becoming smarter and more intelligent. Your mind is sharper now. You cope by being more perceptive and becoming a better judge of character.

    Coping gets easier when you change the way you think.

    Also, surround yourself with upstanding, very moral people such as family and high quality friends for support and healthy influences.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Why did you make two different accounts?

    This man is a controlling abuser. Telling him you love him and apologizing after he does invasive controlling things is just giving him approval and permission to continue.

    Please leave him and hire an attorney to set a custody and support agreement in court.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    As difficult as this is, you do need to start accepting that he is doing what he wants, that he is actually very much happy doing it and, most importantly, that his life and future are no longer any of your business.

    My advice in your previous thread stands. You got together very young and kept each other from letting loose and having fun when you should have. What he is doing now is making up for lost time. You may not like it, you may not agree with it, you may rightfully think he is making terrible choices, but telling yourself that you know him so well and what he is doing is somehow not him is disingenuous and insulting to him and yourself. Yes, this is who he is.

    Do yourself a huge favor and go full no contact, including his family, friends, etc. You have some serious personal growing to do for yourself. You've spent 8 years of your life doing whatever he wants. High time to sort out what it is that you actually want, what interests you have, what life do you want and who you are as a person as opposed one half of a couple. Focus on yourself and discovering who you are as a person, as an individual. You might well find that journey rewarding sooner than you think.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Why did you make two different accounts?

    This man is a controlling abuser. Telling him you love him and apologizing after he does invasive controlling things is just giving him approval and permission to continue.

    Please leave him and hire an attorney to set a custody and support agreement in court.
    Iím not sure youíre replying to who you think you are. I was never married.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Why did you make two different accounts?

    This man is a controlling abuser. Telling him you love him and apologizing after he does invasive controlling things is just giving him approval and permission to continue.

    Please leave him and hire an attorney to set a custody and support agreement in court.
    Huh? I think you have this poster confused with someone else.... see her previous thread under her own name for background....

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    . You cope by reminding yourself of the 'live and learn' mantra and your radar is up as you navigate your life more wisely in the future. You're no longer naive and now you can afford to become more picky and choosy..
    I do fear Iíll become too choosy after having the rug pulled out from under me. I donít want to keep myself from happiness either. Thank you for the kind words. I know time will heal

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Sorry you are losing your best friend.
    The worst pain is knowing my best friend is still in there, but heís too afraid to be him. I know that should say all I need to know, but the pain is real.

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