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Thread: I feel awful about what I've done to someone

  1. #1
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    I feel awful about what I've done to someone

    Hello, thank you for reading.
    Due to my circumstances, I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so I would like to get it off my chest here and some advice would be helpful.

    I am now a high school senior, almost graduating. More than a year ago, there was this boy in my class. He was very quiet and I'd only seen him talk to certain people.
    We had a lot of classes together, and one day, he just comes up to me and talks to me about the exam or whatever. I was surprised that he came up and randomly spoke to me, considering that I'd probably never seen him speak to girls. And then soon after, he added me on this messaging app, and I was happy to make new friends, so I replied, and from then we would sometimes talk. But all the interactions we had here were just small talk, and it didn't really feel like we were becoming close or anything , at least that's how I felt.
    Things got a little weird after that. He would write these love-notes like messages on his bio, and although I was suspicious that it could be about me, I didn't believe that was actually the case because we'd hardly ever spoke to each other outside of messaging.
    After a while, he gave me a note confessing that he loved me. To be honest, I was pretty creeped out and kind of afraid because we barely knew anything about each other and I realized that all the things he'd been writing in his bio was about me. But I figured that he wasn't exactly doing anything mean or hurtful so I just rejected him nicely.
    But then a few days later, he sent me another letter saying that he still loved me and went on to describe how he liked my appearance. I was very disturbed. I decided that although it might not be the kindest choice, I would text him to let him know that all the things he'd been writing about me made me uncomfortable and disturbed, and that I was upset that he continued to write such notes to me even after I told him that I was not interested. He apologized, and nothing really happened for a while, but then a few weeks later, there were more and more days when he was absent. After being absent from school for long periods of time, I heard that he had quit high school.
    I felt so awful. Although I was careful not to be mean, I feel that I should've known that he was probably sensitive and being too honest would be unnecessary and harsh.

    I really didn't think that he would let a rejection from a girl he hardly knew would affect him so badly that he had to quit school, which would have a bad impact possibly on the rest of his life. But to this day, I had never told anyone about this particular interaction, and I still sometimes remember what I had done to another person. Lately I can't stop thinking about it. I'd like to think that it's his fault for reacting strangely, but deep down I feel that I should've known. He was probably a nice person who was just bad at predicting people's feelings. But I let my emotions get the best of me and responded in a way that was unnecessary.

    I would like to apologize, but 1)I'm too scared and 2)I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I don't know how I should deal with this guilt in my heart from now on, especially since this is something that can't be undone. I put this under this category for this particular reason; it's not a friendship or relationship problem, but the fact that I have to feel with such guilt, and I don't know who did the wrong thing. Was I too paranoid? Was I harsh? Did I ruin a fellow student's future?

    Sorry for the long story, but if anyone out there has some advice or similar experiences, please let me know.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Why would you tell him it made you "disturbed"? I mean, you didn't feel the same way back, no problem. But I don't see how it's disturbing.
    He wrote nice things about you and had a crush. That's it.

    It's not like he stalked you or hounded you or threatened you. So I think you did react over the top.

    You could have just told him that although you're flattered, you see him as a friend.

    You're also assuming he left school all because of you. You don't know what else might have been going on, what his family life was/is like, what kind of grades he was getting, etc.
    So to assume it's all due to you, is a lot to assume.

    There isn't anything you can do. If you ever run into him again, you can possibly tell him that you didn't mean to hurt him. Though at this point, it might be best to spare him some more disappointment and just let things be.

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    Thank you for the reply. To specify, if it seemed like just a crush, I wouldn't have reacted so badly. It's just that his letters and notes seemed to be very dramatic as well, and it was a lot. So I guess I felt scared, although looking back I should've been calmer. I am a pretty paranoid person...
    Also, he performed well in school and he was hardly ever absent so it just seems like it was my fault :( . But I guess I just have to feel sorry and move on.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It was letters though. He didn't pressure you and he didn't get angry over you saying no, etc. He let it be once you told him you definitely weren't interested.

    Again, you can't assume that him leaving school had to do with you. Sure he was more than likely disappointed, but he could have had others things going on too.

    Best just to leave things.

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  6. #5
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    Why are you assuming him dropping out of school is all because of you?

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    Thank you for the reply.

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    Because of the timing and how he seemed to be before that.
    He performed very well academically, and he did have a few friends so he probably wasn't bullied or anything.
    It just happened relatively soon after the incident, so that could be the only reason from what I know.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You did the right thing notifying him the stalking was unwelcome. His departure may be part of a larger picture including mental health problems, issues at home, legal problems etc. It's flawed logic to assume because there is a temporal association that there is a causal association.

    Sending those notes was a symptom, not a cause, of his decompensation. Leave him alone. It's not about you. This is for his parents, teachers, doctors, etc to handle.
    Originally Posted by chippie008
    I would text him to let him know that all the things he'd been writing about me made me uncomfortable

    a few weeks later, there were more and more days when he was absent. After being absent from school for long periods of time, I heard that he had quit high school.

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    Thank you for the reply. But the thing is, it wasn't exactly stalking. He just sent me another passionate letter after I already rejected him, so although it wasn't the best thing for him to do, I feel that my paranoia and overreaction hurt him more than he bothered me.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Leave him alone. This is for his parents, teachers and doctors to sort out. You as well may benefit from talking to trusted adults about healthy relationships and ask your parents to take you to a therapist if you feel everything revolves around you.

    With all due respect it's a bit rich to assume this boy dropped out of school and ruined his future because you wouldn't date him.

    It's easy to research and google teen dating, red flags, stalking, etc rather than assume things.
    Originally Posted by chippie008
    I feel that my paranoia and overreaction hurt him more than he bothered me.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 02-21-2020 at 06:17 AM.

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