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Thread: I feel awful about what I've done to someone

  1. #21
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    While I agree with women being safe and being cautious, I do think that people can become too paranoid as well.

    This was/is a teenage boy, he had a crush, he stepped away when it was not reciprocated. Some people are making it sound far more dramatic than it actually was.

    He's not bothering her and he's gone on his way. But I too feel that OP is creating a scenario where it's all about her and assuming that his behavior isn't due to other factors, which I am sure there are.

    It's anyone's guess if he has a horrible home life or has had a loved one fall ill or pass away, etc.

    To assume he's dangerous or that this is all about her, does not make it true.

  2. #22
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    At first I actually thought that surely, he wouldn't have done all his just because of me, but I guess from then on my guilt grew stronger and I started to think these dramatic things!
    Thank you for your reply.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by chippie008
    Hello, thank you for reading.
    Due to my circumstances, I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so I would like to get it off my chest here and some advice would be helpful.

    I am now a high school senior, almost graduating. More than a year ago, there was this boy in my class. He was very quiet and I'd only seen him talk to certain people.
    We had a lot of classes together, and one day, he just comes up to me and talks to me about the exam or whatever. I was surprised that he came up and randomly spoke to me, considering that I'd probably never seen him speak to girls. And then soon after, he added me on this messaging app, and I was happy to make new friends, so I replied, and from then we would sometimes talk. But all the interactions we had here were just small talk, and it didn't really feel like we were becoming close or anything , at least that's how I felt.
    Things got a little weird after that. He would write these love-notes like messages on his bio, and although I was suspicious that it could be about me, I didn't believe that was actually the case because we'd hardly ever spoke to each other outside of messaging.
    After a while, he gave me a note confessing that he loved me. To be honest, I was pretty creeped out and kind of afraid because we barely knew anything about each other and I realized that all the things he'd been writing in his bio was about me. But I figured that he wasn't exactly doing anything mean or hurtful so I just rejected him nicely.
    But then a few days later, he sent me another letter saying that he still loved me and went on to describe how he liked my appearance. I was very disturbed. I decided that although it might not be the kindest choice, I would text him to let him know that all the things he'd been writing about me made me uncomfortable and disturbed, and that I was upset that he continued to write such notes to me even after I told him that I was not interested. He apologized, and nothing really happened for a while, but then a few weeks later, there were more and more days when he was absent. After being absent from school for long periods of time, I heard that he had quit high school.
    I felt so awful. Although I was careful not to be mean, I feel that I should've known that he was probably sensitive and being too honest would be unnecessary and harsh.

    I really didn't think that he would let a rejection from a girl he hardly knew would affect him so badly that he had to quit school, which would have a bad impact possibly on the rest of his life. But to this day, I had never told anyone about this particular interaction, and I still sometimes remember what I had done to another person. Lately I can't stop thinking about it. I'd like to think that it's his fault for reacting strangely, but deep down I feel that I should've known. He was probably a nice person who was just bad at predicting people's feelings. But I let my emotions get the best of me and responded in a way that was unnecessary.

    I would like to apologize, but 1)I'm too scared and 2)I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I don't know how I should deal with this guilt in my heart from now on, especially since this is something that can't be undone. I put this under this category for this particular reason; it's not a friendship or relationship problem, but the fact that I have to feel with such guilt, and I don't know who did the wrong thing. Was I too paranoid? Was I harsh? Did I ruin a fellow student's future?

    Sorry for the long story, but if anyone out there has some advice or similar experiences, please let me know.
    It's possible that your wording was harsh, but I don't think you reacted poorly.

    Be careful not to assume too much responsibility for this. He may not have quit school because you rejected him. You are not and never will be responsible for his future.

    I understand your concern and compassion for this guy, and I think it's a good thing. But what happened here is nobody's fault. Nobody did the wrong thing. You both just did the best you could at the time.

    If you want to reach out to him, I think that's ok. But be absolutely clear that you are only reaching out as a friend.

    Meaning, tell him that you are only a friend but also behave accordingly--don't message around with him like you did before because he will probably misinterpret that like he did last time.

    Then you will probably have to repeat the whole uncomfortable cycle.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    While I agree with women being safe and being cautious, I do think that people can become too paranoid as well.
    [...] To assume he's dangerous or that this is all about her, does not make it true.
    While I don't assume that this is all about the OP, we are speaking about this day and age, which is far different that when we were kids in school.

    There are many unfortunate reasons why communities are making outreach to troubled young people, especially young men, a priority.

    It's not paranoid, it's preventative. If a school counselor should err on the side of outreach that helps someone rather than ignoring them, then that's a good thing.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree with you Catfeeder and there is some truth to this, most definitely.

    But I also take the boys age and inexperience into account. Also the fact that he's leaving her alone.

    Either way, I think it's best you left him alone, OP.

  7. #26
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    Hello OP,

    I think you did the right thing and it doesn't help you to beat yourself up over it now. As others have pointed out, you have no clue why he actually left school. Maybe it was because he couldn't handle the rejection, maybe it was not - but even if it was the reason, it still doesn't make it your fault. It was his decision, plain and simple, and you didn't make this happen.

    For everyone saying OP overreacted -
    Not so long ago, I went to an all-boys school as the only girl. It was not a good experience, and this was largely because almost every single boy in my class was trying to get into my pants despite me not being interested at all. But I was a "nice" person, and I didn't want to hurt anyone. So I was always very kind to them. Spoiler alert: Being nice and kind did nothing but make it worse. After a year of constant harassment, I left that school.
    But by far the worst part of that year was the suicide of another student, and many people would say that boy's death was my fault.

    I met him on the very first day. He was the odd one out: not participating in group excercises, not talking to other students, keeping to himself. He seemed like he could use a friend, so I planned to talk to him during the next break and see if he wanted to get lunch with me. But before I could do that, he walked up to me, introduced himself, and said he could tell I wasn't like the other kids (no joke, I was like 10 years older than everyone else!). We talked for a bit, and from that moment on, he was constantly around me. The conversations we had were casual (school, food, finances, the weather) but I quickly found his behaviour off-putting. He literally followed me everywhere, including the toilets, butted into conversations I had with other people and teachers, made weird comments and by the end of the first week, he proclaimed his undying love for me. I was taken aback, reminded him I had a boyfriend, and gently but surely tried to distance myself. But he somehow got my phone number and started texting me. I told him I was not interested. I told him I didn't want to be his girlfriend. Finally told him I didn't want to talk to him at all because he was acting like a creep. He didn't care. He wrote me love letters, changed his relationship status on facebook and asked me out like every day.

    Everyone told me I was overreacting, it was just a crush, he didn't mean any harm. All the while he was stalking me, harassing me. I had to hide in school because when he spotted me he'd follow me all day. When he saw me talking to someone, he'd do something to harm himself and send pictures to me. "I had to hurt myself because you cheated on me!"
    Had I been younger/less experienced, this would've traumatised me. I would have felt immensely guilty. I would've thought I was a terrible human being. But I knew what he was doing was manipulative and he most likely suffered from mental illness, so instead of having a breakdown I tried to get him to see a therapist. I told the school nurse, the counsellors, his sister. Everyone downplayed his behaviour. "It's just a crush. He just wants your attention." So eventually I felt I had no choice but to cut off all ways of contact with him. I got rid of my mobile phone, deleted social media profiles, and transferred classes. When I saw him I left. Less than a month of no contact and he committed suicide. He wrote a note, in which he once again confessed his love for me and said he saw no point in living without me. I barely knew him. And I refuse to take any kind of responsibility for his actions. This didn't happen because I rejected him - this happened because he was not mentally stable, had a drug habit and most likely a personality disorder.

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