I feel awful about what I've done to someone

Hello, thank you for reading.

Due to my circumstances, I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so I would like to get it off my chest here and some advice would be helpful.

 

I am now a high school senior, almost graduating. More than a year ago, there was this boy in my class. He was very quiet and I'd only seen him talk to certain people.

We had a lot of classes together, and one day, he just comes up to me and talks to me about the exam or whatever. I was surprised that he came up and randomly spoke to me, considering that I'd probably never seen him speak to girls. And then soon after, he added me on this messaging app, and I was happy to make new friends, so I replied, and from then we would sometimes talk. But all the interactions we had here were just small talk, and it didn't really feel like we were becoming close or anything , at least that's how I felt.

Things got a little weird after that. He would write these love-notes like messages on his bio, and although I was suspicious that it could be about me, I didn't believe that was actually the case because we'd hardly ever spoke to each other outside of messaging.

After a while, he gave me a note confessing that he loved me. To be honest, I was pretty creeped out and kind of afraid because we barely knew anything about each other and I realized that all the things he'd been writing in his bio was about me. But I figured that he wasn't exactly doing anything mean or hurtful so I just rejected him nicely.

But then a few days later, he sent me another letter saying that he still loved me and went on to describe how he liked my appearance. I was very disturbed. I decided that although it might not be the kindest choice, I would text him to let him know that all the things he'd been writing about me made me uncomfortable and disturbed, and that I was upset that he continued to write such notes to me even after I told him that I was not interested. He apologized, and nothing really happened for a while, but then a few weeks later, there were more and more days when he was absent. After being absent from school for long periods of time, I heard that he had quit high school.

I felt so awful. Although I was careful not to be mean, I feel that I should've known that he was probably sensitive and being too honest would be unnecessary and harsh.

 

I really didn't think that he would let a rejection from a girl he hardly knew would affect him so badly that he had to quit school, which would have a bad impact possibly on the rest of his life. But to this day, I had never told anyone about this particular interaction, and I still sometimes remember what I had done to another person. Lately I can't stop thinking about it. I'd like to think that it's his fault for reacting strangely, but deep down I feel that I should've known. He was probably a nice person who was just bad at predicting people's feelings. But I let my emotions get the best of me and responded in a way that was unnecessary.

 

I would like to apologize, but 1)I'm too scared and 2)I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I don't know how I should deal with this guilt in my heart from now on, especially since this is something that can't be undone. I put this under this category for this particular reason; it's not a friendship or relationship problem, but the fact that I have to feel with such guilt, and I don't know who did the wrong thing. Was I too paranoid? Was I harsh? Did I ruin a fellow student's future?

 

Sorry for the long story, but if anyone out there has some advice or similar experiences, please let me know.

Why would you tell him it made you "disturbed"? I mean, you didn't feel the same way back, no problem. But I don't see how it's disturbing.

He wrote nice things about you and had a crush. That's it.

 

It's not like he stalked you or hounded you or threatened you. So I think you did react over the top.

 

You could have just told him that although you're flattered, you see him as a friend.

 

You're also assuming he left school all because of you. You don't know what else might have been going on, what his family life was/is like, what kind of grades he was getting, etc.

So to assume it's all due to you, is a lot to assume.

 

There isn't anything you can do. If you ever run into him again, you can possibly tell him that you didn't mean to hurt him. Though at this point, it might be best to spare him some more disappointment and just let things be.

Thank you for the reply. To specify, if it seemed like just a crush, I wouldn't have reacted so badly. It's just that his letters and notes seemed to be very dramatic as well, and it was a lot. So I guess I felt scared, although looking back I should've been calmer. I am a pretty paranoid person...

Also, he performed well in school and he was hardly ever absent so it just seems like it was my fault :( . But I guess I just have to feel sorry and move on.

It was letters though. He didn't pressure you and he didn't get angry over you saying no, etc. He let it be once you told him you definitely weren't interested.

 

Again, you can't assume that him leaving school had to do with you. Sure he was more than likely disappointed, but he could have had others things going on too.

 

Best just to leave things.

Why are you assuming him dropping out of school is all because of you?

Thank you for the reply.

Because of the timing and how he seemed to be before that.

He performed very well academically, and he did have a few friends so he probably wasn't bullied or anything.

It just happened relatively soon after the incident, so that could be the only reason from what I know.

You did the right thing notifying him the stalking was unwelcome. His departure may be part of a larger picture including mental health problems, issues at home, legal problems etc. It's flawed logic to assume because there is a temporal association that there is a causal association.

 

Sending those notes was a symptom, not a cause, of his decompensation. Leave him alone. It's not about you. This is for his parents, teachers, doctors, etc to handle.

I would text him to let him know that all the things he'd been writing about me made me uncomfortable

 

a few weeks later, there were more and more days when he was absent. After being absent from school for long periods of time, I heard that he had quit high school.

Thank you for the reply. But the thing is, it wasn't exactly stalking. He just sent me another passionate letter after I already rejected him, so although it wasn't the best thing for him to do, I feel that my paranoia and overreaction hurt him more than he bothered me.

Leave him alone. This is for his parents, teachers and doctors to sort out. You as well may benefit from talking to trusted adults about healthy relationships and ask your parents to take you to a therapist if you feel everything revolves around you.

 

With all due respect it's a bit rich to assume this boy dropped out of school and ruined his future because you wouldn't date him.

 

It's easy to research and google teen dating, red flags, stalking, etc rather than assume things.

I feel that my paranoia and overreaction hurt him more than he bothered me.

No, it's not that I feel like everything revolves around me... It was just because of the timing.

But I'm glad to hear that it is indeed ridiculous to feel that it's my entire fault. Thank you for the advice.

I think you are being to hard on yourself.

 

You never know what is going on with another person. No one can mind read and all your assumptions is what is causing you to feel guilty. I go through these feelings all the time. You need to embrace the uncertainty of life.

 

The only person who knows why he left school is him so stop worrying about it.

 

I also think you need to forgive yourself. You did what you thought was best and you cannot ask more of yourself than that.

Thank you for your kind reply. I guess I cannot always be perfect and it's dramatic to think I was his main reason.

I understand why you're jumping to the conclusions you do but I don't think you were the main reason -at most one of many factors. I was rejected by boys I had crushes on -and later, by men -and I didn't quit school or work over it. So I would assume he had a lot more going on. I'd also let it be because he seems unstable and you don't need to be involved with instability in that way.

His behavior felt bizarre to you. Start there. Rational and undisturbed people don't behave in irrational and disturbed ways. So he had stuff going on long before he targeted you.

 

That makes targeting you a symptom of a bigger problem rather than the problem itself.

 

It's not the responsibility of a target to adopt a social worker role. You asked for the targeting to stop, but it may be wise to consider whether the targeting has stopped just because the messages have stopped.

 

I'd consider making an appointment with your school counselor to recount the events and ask the counselor to use his or her best judgment in recruiting outreach services for the former student.

 

This serves 3 purposes: 1) It transfers the mantel of responsibility to a professional who can potentially help the guy, which takes it off of your shoulders. 2) It alerts a professional to a stalking that occurred. I'd discuss concerns about whether the guy might continue to target you at home or on your way to or from school. 3) It also gives you a safe place to work through the discomfort you felt and feel today. You may want to continue seeing the counselor to help you normalize and feel more confident in your judgment as you move forward.

 

Head high, it's a learning process for all of us to understand where our responsibilities toward others begin and end.

You should never feel guilty for someone's behavior. This was his choice to be obsessed with you. Bottom line, not your problem. Having an further contact with him will only exasperate his issues. I agree, this is for his family/doctor to deal with.

 

Step away and free yourself from this. Move on and enjoy, love, live, have fun.

Was I too paranoid?

No, your feelings are yours and if you felt weirded out then you did the right thing to ask him to stop.

He was inappropriate in continuing on after you let him know you didn't feel the same way.

 

Was I harsh?

No, you were honest and you are not responsible for how he reacts to your honesty. You were not mean, cruel, or superior in your rejection.

 

Did I ruin a fellow student's future?

Well, frankly its awfully egotistical of you to think you have that much influence over someone. ;)

It just happened relatively soon after the incident, so that could be the only reason from what I know.

 

That's just it, though - it doesn't appear that you know him all that well at all, really. I wouldn't assume that you know him well enough to assume his choice was all about you. In other words, there's plenty more you don't know about him, so you can't really conclude your rejection of him was the reason he left school.

There all kinds of women that have been injured or killed because they did not trust their instincts and didn't want to come off as mean.

 

This isn't your fault in any way. You did the right thing.

 

Lost

There all kinds of women that have been injured or killed because they did not trust their instincts and didn't want to come off as mean.

 

Yes, and this is why bringing the incident to the school counselor is important. Just because he's not showing up, that doesn't mean that this isn't not a potentially dangerous situation.

 

We've heard, "If you see something, say something..." but what does that mean? Raising the incident with the counselor puts it in the hands of someone who can potentially help the kid and possibly prevent a worse incident for him, for yourself and others down the road.

While I agree with women being safe and being cautious, I do think that people can become too paranoid as well.

 

This was/is a teenage boy, he had a crush, he stepped away when it was not reciprocated. Some people are making it sound far more dramatic than it actually was.

 

He's not bothering her and he's gone on his way. But I too feel that OP is creating a scenario where it's all about her and assuming that his behavior isn't due to other factors, which I am sure there are.

 

It's anyone's guess if he has a horrible home life or has had a loved one fall ill or pass away, etc.

 

To assume he's dangerous or that this is all about her, does not make it true.

At first I actually thought that surely, he wouldn't have done all his just because of me, but I guess from then on my guilt grew stronger and I started to think these dramatic things!

Thank you for your reply.

Hello, thank you for reading.

Due to my circumstances, I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so I would like to get it off my chest here and some advice would be helpful.

 

I am now a high school senior, almost graduating. More than a year ago, there was this boy in my class. He was very quiet and I'd only seen him talk to certain people.

We had a lot of classes together, and one day, he just comes up to me and talks to me about the exam or whatever. I was surprised that he came up and randomly spoke to me, considering that I'd probably never seen him speak to girls. And then soon after, he added me on this messaging app, and I was happy to make new friends, so I replied, and from then we would sometimes talk. But all the interactions we had here were just small talk, and it didn't really feel like we were becoming close or anything , at least that's how I felt.

Things got a little weird after that. He would write these love-notes like messages on his bio, and although I was suspicious that it could be about me, I didn't believe that was actually the case because we'd hardly ever spoke to each other outside of messaging.

After a while, he gave me a note confessing that he loved me. To be honest, I was pretty creeped out and kind of afraid because we barely knew anything about each other and I realized that all the things he'd been writing in his bio was about me. But I figured that he wasn't exactly doing anything mean or hurtful so I just rejected him nicely.

But then a few days later, he sent me another letter saying that he still loved me and went on to describe how he liked my appearance. I was very disturbed. I decided that although it might not be the kindest choice, I would text him to let him know that all the things he'd been writing about me made me uncomfortable and disturbed, and that I was upset that he continued to write such notes to me even after I told him that I was not interested. He apologized, and nothing really happened for a while, but then a few weeks later, there were more and more days when he was absent. After being absent from school for long periods of time, I heard that he had quit high school.

I felt so awful. Although I was careful not to be mean, I feel that I should've known that he was probably sensitive and being too honest would be unnecessary and harsh.

 

I really didn't think that he would let a rejection from a girl he hardly knew would affect him so badly that he had to quit school, which would have a bad impact possibly on the rest of his life. But to this day, I had never told anyone about this particular interaction, and I still sometimes remember what I had done to another person. Lately I can't stop thinking about it. I'd like to think that it's his fault for reacting strangely, but deep down I feel that I should've known. He was probably a nice person who was just bad at predicting people's feelings. But I let my emotions get the best of me and responded in a way that was unnecessary.

 

I would like to apologize, but 1)I'm too scared and 2)I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I don't know how I should deal with this guilt in my heart from now on, especially since this is something that can't be undone. I put this under this category for this particular reason; it's not a friendship or relationship problem, but the fact that I have to feel with such guilt, and I don't know who did the wrong thing. Was I too paranoid? Was I harsh? Did I ruin a fellow student's future?

 

Sorry for the long story, but if anyone out there has some advice or similar experiences, please let me know.

 

It's possible that your wording was harsh, but I don't think you reacted poorly.

 

Be careful not to assume too much responsibility for this. He may not have quit school because you rejected him. You are not and never will be responsible for his future.

 

I understand your concern and compassion for this guy, and I think it's a good thing. But what happened here is nobody's fault. Nobody did the wrong thing. You both just did the best you could at the time.

 

If you want to reach out to him, I think that's ok. But be absolutely clear that you are only reaching out as a friend.

 

Meaning, tell him that you are only a friend but also behave accordingly--don't message around with him like you did before because he will probably misinterpret that like he did last time.

 

Then you will probably have to repeat the whole uncomfortable cycle.

While I agree with women being safe and being cautious, I do think that people can become too paranoid as well.

[...] To assume he's dangerous or that this is all about her, does not make it true.

 

While I don't assume that this is all about the OP, we are speaking about this day and age, which is far different that when we were kids in school.

 

There are many unfortunate reasons why communities are making outreach to troubled young people, especially young men, a priority.

 

It's not paranoid, it's preventative. If a school counselor should err on the side of outreach that helps someone rather than ignoring them, then that's a good thing.

I agree with you Catfeeder and there is some truth to this, most definitely.

 

But I also take the boys age and inexperience into account. Also the fact that he's leaving her alone.

 

Either way, I think it's best you left him alone, OP.