Time to end the relationship?

Hello all, long time lurker, first time poster :)

I have been dating a woman for about 3 months now. The back story on her, she is in her 40s, divorced with two small kids. She has been divorced for three-four years. Her ex husband cheated on her while she was pregnant with the second child. They tried to work it out for 6 years after the affair, but he continued to cheat and they divorced. They were married for a total of 13 years, together since high school. They still have regular contact because of the kids.

Why I am I telling you this? I don't think she's over her ex husband and want to get your guy's thoughts on how i should proceed. When we first started dating, things were amazing and fun. Full of romance, laughter and all the good stuff. About two months in she started to really pull back, then get close, then pull back. Hot/cold/hot/cold.

Why I think she isn't over her ex husband:

-She talks about him constantly, complaining about him - and then sometimes says why do you always bring him up - I don't.

-She has photos of them in her bedroom.

-He has a girlfriend that lives with him, and if they get engaged, my gf is going to tell the fiance' that he cheated - i said this will look super petty and no one will care

-One morning when I spent the night, she said that he sees my vehicle at her house (when he has the kids he drops them off nearby for school bus pickup), and she wonder's what he thinks about me sleeping with his wife

-I had never met her kids, but one morning before school, the oldest, 11 years old came into the house (instead of hanging out by the bus stop)-she said that she should've told me that kid may come in, and that he will tell his dad that mom had a man over this morning

-Due to the amount of time she spends talking about her ex husband, I brought up that I felt like she wanted to get back together with the ex - she got very angry, told me she is tired of being around insecure guys that say this (multiple guys she has dated since her divorce have apparently had the same thought) and told me to never ever say that again.

Your guys thoughts? I felt pretty good about the relationship for the first two months, but now I think it's on a crash course nose dive.

Yes, I agree, your relationship is on a crash course nose dive.

Nothing will change as long as you're in a relationship with her. She will continue to talk about her ex, continue to have a ex-husband relationship due to the kids, her kids take top priority over you always and should you complain, she will have a ready retort and put you back in your "place."

After 2 months, your relationship has met its end. I'm sorry. It doesn't look good.

I am not worried about the kids being top priority. I understand that.

I am more concerned with her not being over her ex, even though he seems to have moved on past her. I just want to make sure that I am not alone in my thinking.

Yes, I agree, your relationship is on a crash course nose dive.

 

Nothing will change as long as you're in a relationship with her. She will continue to talk about her ex, continue to have a ex-husband relationship due to the kids, her kids take top priority over you always and should you complain, she will have a ready retort and put you back in your "place."

 

After 2 months, your relationship has met its end. I'm sorry. It doesn't look good.

First off, welcome to ENA.

If all of what your wrote is true, she is most definitely using you in attempts to try and make her ex jealous. She is not over him and is still watching him very closely.

It's up to you now if you want to stay or not knowing this.

Hello all, long time lurker, first time poster :)

 

I have been dating a woman for about 3 months now. The back story on her, she is in her 40s, divorced with two small kids. She has been divorced for three-four years. Her ex husband cheated on her while she was pregnant with the second child. They tried to work it out for 6 years after the affair, but he continued to cheat and they divorced. They were married for a total of 13 years, together since high school. They still have regular contact because of the kids.

 

Why I am I telling you this? I don't think she's over her ex husband and want to get your guy's thoughts on how i should proceed. When we first started dating, things were amazing and fun. Full of romance, laughter and all the good stuff. About two months in she started to really pull back, then get close, then pull back. Hot/cold/hot/cold.

 

Why I think she isn't over her ex husband:

 

-She talks about him constantly, complaining about him - and then sometimes says why do you always bring him up - I don't.

-She has photos of them in her bedroom.

-He has a girlfriend that lives with him, and if they get engaged, my gf is going to tell the fiance' that he cheated - i said this will look super petty and no one will care

-One morning when I spent the night, she said that he sees my vehicle at her house (when he has the kids he drops them off nearby for school bus pickup), and she wonder's what he thinks about me sleeping with his wife

-I had never met her kids, but one morning before school, the oldest, 11 years old came into the house (instead of hanging out by the bus stop)-she said that she should've told me that kid may come in, and that he will tell his dad that mom had a man over this morning

-Due to the amount of time she spends talking about her ex husband, I brought up that I felt like she wanted to get back together with the ex - she got very angry, told me she is tired of being around insecure guys that say this (multiple guys she has dated since her divorce have apparently had the same thought) and told me to never ever say that again.

 

Your guys thoughts? I felt pretty good about the relationship for the first two months, but now I think it's on a crash course nose dive.

The examples you mention are big red flags. Still having pictures in her bedroom, wanting to tell the live in gf he cheated, the anger when you brought up her behavior... I think this is a losing battle.

I could see family pics in the kids' rooms and not wanting you to meet the children. But this woman is not emotionally available to you.

And the sooner you end it the better off you will be. You deserve someone who responds to your feelings with compassion and concern, not accuse you of being an insecure guy.

What a cop out, all these insecure men she is so sick off... please. manipulation 101. belittle the concern and blame the other person for being insecure.

and she wonder's what he thinks about me sleeping with his wife

That's more than obvious that she wants him to see her with another man in order to make him jealous and she still mentally think's she's his wife.

You are being used buddy. End it, block and move on. Nothing for you here.

Generally speaking, the first few months—the first year, really—of any relationship should just be easy. This is the opposite of that, and that alone is telling that you plus her are not equaling something sparkling or sustainable.

As for the specifics? Doesn't sound great. Can only speak for myself, but I don't like a whole lot of ex talk in the early days, or really during any days. One of the pluses, in ways, of dating someone with children is that you inevitably learn pretty quickly what kind of relationship they have with their ex since, alas, that relationship is ongoing, just in a different shape. The anger, the resentment, the fiery ruminating on what he thinks of her and barbed thoughts of her own—she's put it all out there, and quickly. Now it is up to you to decide want you want to do with it.

One thing I'll say that caught my eye? If what you said to her is, specifically, that you felt she wanted to get back together with her ex—well, that is likely to ruffle anyone's feathers. It is an assumption—a negative and loaded one—which rarely goes over well, with anyone, accurate or not. Not saying that to tsk-tsk you, but just to be aware that when you're making a comment like that it's as much as sign that things aren't working than any kind of nuclear response you get.

Sorry about all this. I know that it's hard when early promise sours so quickly.

If she's been told the same thing by multiple people she was dating in the past, then what's the common denominator here? She has a lot of emotional baggage that she brings into a relationship and if you want to be with her, it is something you will have to accept. If I were in your place, I would walk away. There's not much there to build a future connection or relationship on when she is still preoccupied with her ex.

End it. Clearly not over the ex. You should have bailed when she started talking about him. I think it is disturbing that she is trying to use the child to make him jealous.

It is only 3 months, you already know what to do.

I am not worried about the kids being top priority. I understand that.

 

I am more concerned with her not being over her ex, even though he seems to have moved on past her. I just want to make sure that I am not alone in my thinking.

She's not over her ex. She still displays his photo in her bedroom. What does that tell you? Also, she can't wait to tell her ex's fiance about his past cheating. She's very preoccupied with her ex and you're just on the side. She doesn't take you seriously. Yes, time to end it.

How long ago since her divorce was finalized?

One morning when I spent the night, she said that he sees my vehicle at her house (when he has the kids he drops them off nearby for school bus pickup), and she wonder's what he thinks about me sleeping with his wife

Except - she isn't his wife anymore. Yikes.

She has not mentally accepted that the marriage is over and that they are divorced. She's sadly deluding herself because she's not ready to face the painful truth that he is long-gone. Other men she's dated are not insecure about her ex - they correctly assess that she is clinging to him and not in any place to date. She's in serious denial about the divorce and deflects by getting angry.

This isn't going to end well for you if you stick around. She is a long way from over him.

Yes, you are right, will need to move on from this.

She is clearly not ready to date or be in a relationship

Sorry to hear this. 12 weeks is a good time to reassess and decide things. In this case there seems to be a tractor-trailer of TMI and baggage from the get-go. She needs a therapist not a bf. Just make a kind but clean break.

Her ex husband cheated on her while she was pregnant with the second child. They tried to work it out for 6 years after the affair, but he continued to cheat and they divorced.

Welcome to ENA as a poster.

I wish any of us could tell you it will get better but we all know it will not. It sucks because it is so hard to meet someone that you are attracted to, checks all your boxes and seems to have their life together only to discover that past is ruining any chance at a happy and healthy future.

Since there is no way you can help her see that she is still hung up on her ex the only option is to end things with her. Do it in a very nice way with no incrimination's since other guys have already tried and failed. Make a clean break and start the search once again...

Lost

Thanks for all the reassurance. There were other things happening too in addition to this. Like the pushing and pulling away. It was driving me crazy. I kinda thought she may be a commitment phobic.

Anyways I ended it tonight, it didn't go well. She said not nice things, I said not nice things. She said I was attacking her, and I told her it was best we do not communicate anymore. I left her house and then she texted me asking if I felt better about myself for attacking her, and she expected more. I replied that she was childish and please don't contact me anymore.

Thanks for all the reassurance. There were other things happening too in addition to this. Like the pushing and pulling away. It was driving me crazy. I kinda thought she may be a commitment phobic.

 

Anyways I ended it tonight, it didn't go well. She said not nice things, I said not nice things. She said I was attacking her, and I told her it was best we do not communicate anymore. I left her house and then she texted me asking if I felt better about myself for attacking her, and she expected more. I replied that she was childish and please don't contact me anymore.

I am glad she was an ass about it. Confirms instantly that you did the right thing.

I do think in some ways people who married very young, can be immature. Its like being with someone from such a young age stunts some growth. I've experienced that in both platonic and romantic relationships. Of course, its not true of everyone.

Well done OP you have saved yourself a lot of drama and heartache and now free to find someone who really wants and deserves you.