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Thread: Wish I could read his mind

  1. #1

    Wish I could read his mind

    My ex and I had a wonderful relationship for 2 years. We never had a fight or anything. I was so sure this was the guy I was going to marry. All of the sudden, he blindsighted me and said he was unsure about his future. He has a lot of health issues that have not been properly diagnosed, as a lot of testing takes a while in my country. He is stressed because he wants the proper diagnosis before he can properly plan his future. He said due to his current situation he can not give himself to me in the way that I need.
    To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I poured my heart out to him, said I want to work through this and be there for him through his health issues. Ultimately we decided to go on a break for a month. We did text a bit during this time but The uncertainty of a break was hell for me. After the break we decided to break up but we kept the possibilities open for the future (he said this could work out in the future). It doesn’t feel “over”, it feels like it’s due to circumstance. But I told him I can’t do a break any longer, I need clarity and certainty. So we ended on good terms despite it not being what I wanted.
    I did not text him since the break up. Then a week later, I went to Morocco for a vacation and he texted me “I hope you’re having an amazing trip. Still thinking about you” I don’t know how to interpret this text. I thought if I asked “how do you mean thinking about me?” Would seem like I’m desperately clinging on to any glimmer of hope, (which I am :( !) so I didn’t ask. I just said ‘Thank you! Yes I’m having an amazing time” and didn’t address the thinking of you comment. He “loved” my iMessage and left it as that.
    It’s only been a day so I suppose he could reach out again. Was my message too ‘cold’? I really don’t know how to go about this... I want him back more than anything but I want to tread carefully. Please, what should I do, and what do you think he could be thinking?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    There is no way to know what he's thinking. But for your sake I'd advise you to tell him that - though you still love him, any sort of constant communication would set you back. If anything changes in the future, to please let you know. But between now and then it's confusing and uncomfortable to be in communication with each other.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    No, your message wasn't too cold. You need to cut it off with him. Give him the courtesy by letting him know beforehand via text that it's time to go your separate ways permanently, wish him all the best (or he's in your thoughts and prayers) and tell him in advance that you will block and delete him.

    Your message was polite, well-mannered, respectful yet distant which is the way it should be.

    Remain realistic. He is consumed with his health and he was honest enough to tell you that he needs to concentrate on his health. It was a joint decision to breakup.

    Usually people with health problems don't have brain space and energy to devote to you. I've known so many countless people who are unhealthy to the point of worrisome and they either tend to have difficult relationships or truthfully tell you that they need to prioritize their health before they can divert their attentions to a relationship.

    Don't overthink this. Generally, relationships are easier and smoother when two people have overall good health because obviously there's more focus on each other as opposed to serious health concerns. Other reasons can be money woes, personal problems with family, job problems or unemployment and it runs the gamut.

    Don't care what he thinks. You need to proceed with your own life and go your own way. It's mentally healthy for you to move on without him.

    Any relationship that requires too much work is not working. Be practical and realistic.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he doesn't want to hurt you but has too much going on and your goals were not as aligned as you hoped. How old is he? Is he still in college or living with parents? Let him attend to his health issue

    Was he as interested in getting married as you are? How often did you talk to him about future and why did he feel this stressed,pressured about that?

    Good you are on vacation, do not get in text convos while there.
    Originally Posted by Stuckinluv18
    I was so sure this was the guy I was going to marry. He has a lot of health issues that have not been properly diagnosed, as a lot of testing takes a while in my country. He is stressed because he wants the proper diagnosis before he can properly plan his future. I told him I can’t do a break any longer, I need clarity and certainty.

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  6. #5
    Thanks for your advice. We had talked about the future and he said he saw a future, kids etc with me. We didn’t discuss it in great great depth but we both knew we were on the same page. But what I can tell you for a fact is that I never ever put pressure on him for Any of this. The conversations were all initiated by him, and he actually expressed more of an interest in kids than me, as I have a few more years in school that I’d like to complete before having kids. So I am confident that that wouldn’t have been a reason. If anything, he was more concerned that I don’t want kids as much as him, but I assured him that I DO - just not until I’m done school!

    He is 30 years old. Works as a consultant so he is often working in different places (we were long distance) but when he’s in town he was staying at his parents

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'm sorry but it really sounds like he decided that he wants out of the relationship. The reason is not even relevant. He tried to break up with you, you hung on tight, then you finally did part ways. Stay parted because this guy wasn't the one for you.

    That said, it's not that unusual for ex's to reach out or try to maintain contact or even keep you on the hook so to speak. You are on vacation, he is literally inserting himself into that and messing with your head. Not very nice and quite selfish.

    If I were you, I'd tell him politely but firmly that you do not wish to hear from him again unless he wants to talk about reconciling and leave it at that. If he respects that great and if he continues to breadcrumb you, then I'd just block him. No matter what, you need to heal and move on. Even if you end up getting back together, you really need to be in a healthy place emotionally to asses if that's something you want or not. You have to be healed and calm. If you aren't, then the shadow of this break up, the what if he does it again when the going gets tough will haunt you. Ultimately, that's the question you need to ask yourself - do you and can you trust a partner who will drop you and your relationship just because life got challenging. What if his health issues act up and now you have children and a mortgage and he decides that it's all too much for him and he needs to go figure himself out? Things to think about.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He is stressed because he wants the proper diagnosis before he can properly plan his future. He said due to his current situation he can not give himself to me in the way that I need.
    If I were you I would just take that ^^^ at face value and get on with my life, my school, my dating new guys once I'm ready, hobbies and just assume he's not coming back. I'd not take any of his little 'crumbs' of contact as anything other than curiosity on his part and I'd believe him when he says that he "can not give himself to me in the way I want."

    Anything less than that total acceptance is just keeping you from healing and enjoying your life. Don't let him hold all this power over you a minute longer. He's in no place mentally or physically to be a good LIFE partner to you or anyone else.


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