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Is this a red flag?


Eliza50

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I have very limited experience with online dating, so, this is my question.

 

This is about someone I met online today. Is it a red flag when he calls you for the first time, you talk for about 15 minutes (I had to go), arrange a date for Monday (because he'll be out of town until Sunday) and then insists to call you back later? I felt pressure and I didn't like it. I told him politely that he could call tomorrow (from his trip) but he insisted and when I told him I had plans for this evening he even asked what time I'd be back home and said I don't mind even if it's late, I stay up late at night.

 

I don't know, it felt weird.

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Eh sounds like you might be over reacting a bit. You were the one who had to cut the conversation short. You can't really expect someone to call you while traveling. Their focus is likely to be elsewhere.

 

This is one of those things where it's too early going to jump to conclusions. He might be trying a bit too hard, he might have felt like maybe you are brushing him off so he wants to talk more, or really insert anyone's guess here. I'd reserve judgment and meet him in person and see how it goes. If you still feel off then, then trust your gut. Right now, you just don't have enough information.

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I think when it's this early, excepting the most glaring of unsavory behavior, it's best to listen to your gut than diagnosis red flags by committee. If someone seems overeager and pushy by your standards, so much so to make you lose interest in meeting up, so be it. Easier to just go that route than the analytical one.

 

If I were in your shoes? Wouldn't be my thing, though neither are phone calls before dates. Am I a red flag because I don't want to talk on the phone before a date? To some, sure, just as some would have deemed it a red flag that my now girlfriend was "busy" when I tried to meet up with her the first few times. I'm happy I didn't.

 

Do you still want to meet him more than you no longer want to meet him?

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He doesn't seem reasonable and he's insistent IMHO. He should've yielded more and coordinated with your schedule better. I think he's rather pushy IMHO.

 

Give him a chance. Agree on a date together and observe what type of personality and character he has. Evaluate in your mind and go from there.

 

Or, if you feel weird and your gut instincts are telling you that you don't like his insistent, selfish personality, then politely decline.

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I think when it's this early, excepting the most glaring of unsavory behavior, it's best to listen to your gut than diagnosis red flags by committee. If someone seems overeager and pushy by your standards, so much so to make you lose interest in meeting up, so be it. Easier to just go that route than the analytical one.

 

If I were in your shoes? Wouldn't be my thing, though neither are phone calls before dates. Am I a red flag because I don't want to talk on the phone before a date? To some, sure, just as some would have deemed it a red flag that my now girlfriend was "busy" when I tried to meet up with her the first few times. I'm happy I didn't.

 

Do you still want to meet him more than you no longer want to meet him?

 

I never met someone who wouldn't talk on the phone before a first meet. I did a lot of screening out based on a phone call -including voice quality/tone and how he carried on a conversation since we were going to meet in person and not meet and text from screens. Also because of safety -if he wouldn't talk to me on the phone I also assumed it was because he had something to hide.

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Do you still want to meet him more than you no longer want to meet him?

 

I do want to meet him. I don't know if I'll still want to meet him on Monday though. It depends on how many times he'll call me from his trip. I did tell him I'm not really a phone person, that I'd rather get to know him in person. I'll see if he respects that.

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Ok, it's odd to be this persistent. Just let calls go to VM and return them if/when you wish. Do not explain to anyone you have never met when you will or won't be home, why etc. Next time offer to call him...see what the reaction is.

then insists to call you back later? I felt pressure and I didn't like it. I told him politely that he could call tomorrow (from his trip) but he insisted and when I told him I had plans for this evening he even asked what time I'd be back home and said I don't mind even if it's late, I stay up late at night.
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I do want to meet him. I don't know if I'll still want to meet him on Monday though. It depends on how many times he'll call me from his trip. I did tell him I'm not really a phone person, that I'd rather get to know him in person. I'll see if he respects that.

 

You need to determine whether or not he has a respectful personality towards you. If he's a red flag, yes, he's a red flag so listen to your intuition because your gut is always right.

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I do want to meet him. I don't know if I'll still want to meet him on Monday though. It depends on how many times he'll call me from his trip. I did tell him I'm not really a phone person, that I'd rather get to know him in person. I'll see if he respects that.

These are all hypothetical questions for things that haven't happened yet. His request to talk to you later got your attention. Let's leave it at that for now. If you plan on still meeting him you have between now and then to see if he exhibits anything to worry about.

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I have very limited experience with online dating, so, this is my question.

 

This is about someone I met online today. Is it a red flag when he calls you for the first time, you talk for about 15 minutes (I had to go), arrange a date for Monday (because he'll be out of town until Sunday) and then insists to call you back later? I felt pressure and I didn't like it. I told him politely that he could call tomorrow (from his trip) but he insisted and when I told him I had plans for this evening he even asked what time I'd be back home and said I don't mind even if it's late, I stay up late at night.

 

I don't know, it felt weird.

I wouldn't like his insistence and I got a bit of a vibe about wanting to call you because he "stays up late." I would consider his not listening to you as a yellow flag and give him the benefit of the doubt until after the first meet when you can judge his demeanour at face value.

 

If your gut is telling you it felt weird then listen to your gut if it's given you the fight or flight response. If he only makes dates for during the week then that would be another flag of a colour.

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I have very limited experience with online dating, so, this is my question.

 

This is about someone I met online today. Is it a red flag when he calls you for the first time, you talk for about 15 minutes (I had to go), arrange a date for Monday (because he'll be out of town until Sunday) and then insists to call you back later? I felt pressure and I didn't like it. I told him politely that he could call tomorrow (from his trip) but he insisted and when I told him I had plans for this evening he even asked what time I'd be back home and said I don't mind even if it's late, I stay up late at night.

 

I don't know, it felt weird.

 

I'm all for trusting your gut, but I'm not sure what your fear is here?

 

But with the limited information that I do have, I just see an interested guy who may simply require some firm boundaries.

 

Put the boundary up, then judge him.

 

For example, when he says, "I'm still going to call you, even if it's late," you can say, "I'd really prefer it if you called tomorrow."

 

If he doesn't respect that firm boundary, that's something to worry about.

 

I obviously wasn't on the phone call and didn't witness the dynamic. Were you clear, or did you just get bowled over?

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I don't know if I would consider this man's behavior a "red flag" just yet.

 

It really comes across to me as his own personal "litmus test" on whether or not a woman is interested or worth pursuing. By his own experiences, he has determined that if a woman is "always unavailable" to talk and can't conform in some way to his own schedule, she's going to be a dud. Maybe he comes off a bit too strong, though, in his insistence, but again, this is his own litmus test, and you may pass, or you may fail.

 

You have choices too, and he may fail your litmus test.

 

For me, arranging a date straight up is good sign. Don't get me wrong, being too forceful and eager can be bad too, but trust me, meeting in person sooner over later is the best way to go. It's way better than getting locked into this perpetual penpal/text and talk situation where never the two shall meet, and someone is always too busy (or traveling) to meet.

 

No meet, no text...end of story.

 

If you can't talk to him later, it is what it is. He declined your offer to touch base the following day, so what does that mean? Is he controlling or strange in his inability to conform to your schedule and needs? Is he selfish and you must comform to him? Is he too needy? Or maybe he needs to know that after your abrupt termination of the earlier call, you are interested enough to touch base later, and sooner over later?

 

I don't know.

 

If he makes you uncomfortable, then it is what it is, and decline any further communication. Absolutely stick to your own boundaries and availability. You should not feel obligated to jump through impossible hoops for a guy you've never met; rather, you should be excited to touch base later, even if it disrupts your routine. He should likewise accept that if you get home too late, you can touch base the next day.

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A short update.

 

He hasn't called from his trip (fine by me) but he left a few messages for me on the site where we met (have a nice weekend and so on). What I found strange is that his pictures have disappeared from his profile (he had 3 or 4 pictures). I did ask him what happened to his pics, he's read the message but hasn't replied.

 

I don't know what's up with him but pics don't just disappear.

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A short update.

 

He hasn't called from his trip (fine by me) but he left a few messages for me on the site where we met (have a nice weekend and so on). What I found strange is that his pictures have disappeared from his profile (he had 3 or 4 pictures). I did ask him what happened to his pics, he's read the message but hasn't replied.

 

I don't know what's up with him but pics don't just disappear.

 

Maybe he's in the process of changing them over and he's away so he can't.

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I don't know what's up with him but pics don't just disappear.

 

If I was on vacation, traveling for work or had alot going on I used to hide my profile.

I didnt have time to respond to new contacts and reaching out to them a week or so later rarely went well.

 

They'd interpret it as they were a lesser priority and were suspect (like shown here) that I couldn't get back them in what they thought was a timely manner.

 

Not sure what this guys agenda is. Keep your eyes open but resist always thinking the worst.

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A short update.

 

He hasn't called from his trip (fine by me) but he left a few messages for me on the site where we met (have a nice weekend and so on). What I found strange is that his pictures have disappeared from his profile (he had 3 or 4 pictures). I did ask him what happened to his pics, he's read the message but hasn't replied.

 

I don't know what's up with him but pics don't just disappear.

I think he' hiding something. Don't go to bed with him until he invites you to his home and don't go to his home until you know him well. In other words: Public dates only in both your neighbourhood and in his. If he won't take you to his neighbourhood and show you some of his favorite haunts then he's not wanting anyone he knows seeing the two of you together.

 

I think its very odd that he would contact you through the dating site when he likely now has your personal contact.

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