My bf and i broke up because we don’t feel close to one another after 8 months

My bf and i broke up after 8 months of dating because we feel like we weren’t close with one another. It was good for the first 4-5 months. Then things kind of fizzled. He’s a great guy and i do care about him but we find it hard to express our feelings to one another which makes us feel not close. Why could this be and what could of been done to prevent this and allow us to feel closer to one another?

I think loving is giving. Talk is less important. What do you do to show you care? What actions -big and small -do you do on a regular basis? You say you care about him -how do you show it?

Sorry about this.

Without knowing more details, it's hard to address your situation specifically. That said, sometimes two people only work so well, or only work for so long: a sad fact of human connections. The first few months of romance are generally quite exciting, and that excitement itself is enough to fuel things, since excitement is a feeling. As that initial excitement burns off a bit, you start to confront the depth of feeling between you and another—or, sometimes, the lack of it.

In other words, what often makes it hard to "express feelings" is, well, the lack of feelings to express. Not your fault, not his, but just lack of emotional resources to keep mining. So ask yourself: Do you feel you were "holding back" you true feelings or just not feeling it anymore?

Sometimes things just don't pan out for the long haul. Dating is to discover if who you were attracted to would make a good life partner, during your dating period you discovered that you didn't have the connection enough to keep you bonded.

I wouldn't try to analyse it that much as it was a short term union in which the two of you are mature enough to realize how futile sticking it out would be. Unfortunately, there are far too many out there that go ahead and move in or marry someone they know isn't going to be a good life partner to them but they stay anyway only to divorce or break up. Not all marriages will last a lifetime but you'll have a far better chance if you stick with a person who you gel with past the honeymoon stage.

Good luck in your next adventure in dating.

I think that’s part of the problem. He pointed out a few things that made him feel not close to me. Like in the morning he tried to give me kiss and i kind of turned my head away sometimes and sometimes he would drive down (an hour) to see me and i would leave without giving him a kiss. He said none of this makes him feel close to me

I feel I may have held back my feelings

Thanks, I totally agree

I think that’s part of the problem. He pointed out a few things that made him feel not close to me. Like in the morning he tried to give me kiss and i kind of turned my head away sometimes and sometimes he would drive down (an hour) to see me and i would leave without giving him a kiss. He said none of this makes him feel close to me

Well, if you didn't have the urge to hug or kiss him goodbye then he did the right thing to end the relationship. Time for you to find someone who you want to show affection to or someone who doesn't give a fig about it like yourself (apparently).

Are you always a low level affection shower or was it just with him?

There are many reasons. Some people are not good communicators and don't articulate well. Some people don't communicate enough while others communicate too much to the point of drama. Some people text, email, message and leave voice mails excessively whereas others give you crickets and radio silence for long stretches of time. People need to strike a balance and a happy medium.

Some people are the strong, silent types and completely content going this route whereas other people express their feelings well and the other person receives it well because they understand. Some people know the right words to choose whereas others sound garbled and confusing.

People need to be on the same page and compatible. It's a huge part of being close. There needs to be emotional intelligence (EQ). Google "emotional intelligence." In order to have a sound relationship, it requires a very selfless attitude, empathy, thinking of others before yourself and both sides need to cooperate otherwise it won't work. A lot of emotional maturity is required because real love is enduring and continues beyond initial infatuation, routine and boredom.

Examine your communication styles especially verbal and in person. Don't rely heavily on electronic communication too much.

Also, observe personalities. Some people are talkers while others are more silent types and don't talk much. Some people think more and talk less. You either have to accept certain personalities as is or choose a person according to your preferences. Everyone's different.

Sometimes you have to work with certain personalities. For me, I know my husband's personality. We text, email and have good conversations. However, he prefers very brief texts and emails and does not enjoy engaging in lengthy, dragged out conversations. I don't know if it's a guy thing. My sons are the same way. None of them enjoy drama either. Then there is my best female friend and we can chat for hours like two hens in a hen house. We talk about human psychology, update each other on family, relatives, in-laws, outings and life in general.

Some people don't want to be with those who talk non-stop and never come up for air. My MIL (mother-in-law) is this way and is a conversation hog. No one can get a word in edgewise. She monopolizes every conversation which is incredibly selfish. This is why I avoid her like the plague!

I've noticed some guys are all about action such as 'let's go here, let's go there, let's do this, we have things to do, etc.' They're more about activities, doers instead of talk, talk, talk.

Some guys don't want to text relentlessly nor do they want their cell phones to become their ball 'n chain. You have to give them time and space or a wide berth or so I've noticed with my husband and sons. Or, they're busy working, focused on their careers and don't have a lot of time to communicate excessively.

In general, I try not to bother people no matter who they are. Sometimes less communication is better because you keep the relationship or friendship fresh and prevent it from growing stale, too familiar and boring. Some mystery and your own independence are good and attractive traits to have on your own.

I don't focus too much on communication. I have my own life, too, my own interests and what I do. Then when we are together, each party is more interesting because we weren't in each others faces too much nor communicated (or corresponded) too much either.

Im affectionate it’s just I’m shy. His daughters are usually there with us when he drops me off at home and i feel awkward kissing him in front of them

I think this is just something you have to accept. For some reason you're just not feeling free to be honest and feel accepted regardless of what you say (within reason).

Something is holding one or both of you back from that free exchange. Whatever it is. The best thing you can do is let go and with kindness, like you have and focus on your own future... whether that means you meet someone better suited or in time you cross paths again....

sorry... i know its still a disappointment. hugs....

Im affectionate it’s just I’m shy. His daughters are usually there with us when he drops me off at home and i feel awkward kissing him in front of them

You know the very fact that he would introduce you to his children when you hadn't even been dating that long makes me think that you dodged a bullet with him. No point blaming yourself or even over-analysing the "why" of it. Find someone who you feel comfortable with and who keeps his children out of his dating life until he's convinced he can spend the rest of his life with. Bringing women in and out of his children's life isn't very smart of him.

Thanks, we ended in good terms and did tell each other to stay in touch and he said if i ever need anything he would help me at the drop of a hat.

Thanks, we ended in good terms and did tell each other to stay in touch and he said if i ever need anything he would help me at the drop of a hat.

At least you ended on good terms and I understand your reluctance for displays of affection in front of his children. It's perfectly natural to feel the way you do and not uncommon at all.

Haha, the part you mentioned about your MIL is hilarious. 😂

Well I’m the silent quiet type and don’t communicate much. He said he’s used to something different.

I agree. Thanks for the advice

Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? It sounds like the distance and whatever is going on where he is with his kids, their mother, etc are all straining things. You are having sex so the "no kisses" sounds like an excuse to breakup.

There is nothing you did wrong, he just picked something out of a hat to make you responsible and feel bad for things ending. How long has he been single? Is he on/off with his kids mother? Why did he chose someone so far away?

It seems he's not ready to date and has a lot of unfinished business and issues.

His daughters are usually there with us when he drops me off at home and i feel awkward kissing him in front of them. sometimes he would drive down (an hour) to see me and i would leave without giving him a kiss. He said none of this makes him feel close to me

Thx. We met online. He has been single since June 2018, we met in June 2019 so a year later. His ex cheated on him and within a few months after their break up she got married and have a child with another guy. Prior to us dating, 3 months before she did try to get back with him but he rejected her. They have to talk to each other often because they have a 3 years old daughter together and they meet up to drop off and pick up. She now lives an hour away from him so they meet up halfway somewhere to drop off and pickup. He told me that his ex didn’t want to meet me during the dropoff one time because she couldn’t handle it.

We live an hour and 10 mins away. He’s in Gettysburg PA and im in MD. He has an office near me in MD.

His mom also lives near me in MD about 25 mins away

Ok. The kissing excuse is nonsense. Be glad this ended. Next time be careful of ongoing baggage like this and long distances.

Prior to us dating, 3 months before she did try to get back with him but he rejected her. We live an hour and 10 mins away.

Okay, thanks for your input and advice

Haha, the part you mentioned about your MIL is hilarious. 😂

Well I’m the silent quiet type and don’t communicate much. He said he’s used to something different.

Thanks, jnguyent3. I'm glad I got a chuckle out of you!

If he's used to something different, then you're not his preference with all due respect. He's not for you.

This really sounds like round hole square peg type situation.

You might be the nicest people in the world, but the dynamic between you just doesn't click, doesn't work. That's OK, though. It's not your fault, not his fault, it's just that you two are not compatible. Dating, after all, is all about this - getting to know each other and figuring out if you mesh. In this case, you simply do not and that's that. It's nice that you parted amicably and without drama. I really wouldn't sweat this or give it much more thought than that.

When you meet the right man, it will just be easy and you won't feel these kinds of reservations and so on. That's kind of how you know you met the right one - you feel comfortable in your own skin around each other, get each other on an almost intuitive level.

Yes you did. Thank you for that haha. 😀

That’s exactly my thought. There’s nothing i can do if my bf isn’t willing to except me for who i am and not willing to work to bring out the best in each other.

This is really great input and advice. Thank you!!