Relationship breakdown and guilt

Hi All,

My partner has had mental health issues since I got together with him. He seeked help at first which helped him but he always still had some problems. Our relationship has been great but also has had it downs with his health. I've always been there for him and tried to help but found sometimes its been a problem and caused me to not feel myself a bit like I was walking on egg shells sometimes. This wasn't always just sometimes and guess I put up with it a little because of his MH.

We had a baby girl who now is two and all has been great until recently when he was put on leave from work for a while an incident was looked into at work (nothing bad) Within this time of been off he had made friends with a girl from work who I had met etc I was fine with him been friends with her as I have male friends and I'm not one to stop anyone been friends with anyone. He would have the odd party night down at his mates which was fine I do it with my friends but it all started to get out of hand drinking excessively, passing out, staying out. It started to cause arguments, his MH took a downward spiral and was very snappy and grumpy all the time. It final came to a head and I told him I couldn't continue with him partying and been moody etc and to see the doctor about his mental health as it couldn't go on any longer. He went onto tablets and things improved a little but then just went back to been bad. I don't think he has cheated as he's quite an honest person and I did speak about this to him but he said it was just nice to have a friend as he doesn't have any. Because he doesn't have many friends when he does get one it becomes a little obsessive boy or a girl.

The relationship continued to take go downhill to the point where the relationship breakdown was turned onto me as if I'm the cause of it. He stopped his tablets as he said they didn't make him feel like him. Over Christmas it just it worse and worse that we've not really been together since then.

I could no longer cope with it all, all the MH just everything was just draining me and everything has just been about him in it all. There's been no fight for me from him but will happily just turn round and say if I'd just given him affection this would all be solved when all he's had is support and love. Its as if he forgets why its all happening. I've told him reasons so many times but nothing seems to sink in or he forgets it. He gets an idea/problem in his head and he seems to make into some huge thing its not it one tiny thing that may have happened but in his head it turns into this has happened throughout our relationship.

This last week I've said I will help him with his MH as a friend but I can't be with him romantically. I'm been civil and kind about our LO as I would never use a child against him. I just feel better when he's not around and that I feel a bit more like me. I think he needs to be fixed before we could ever look at our relationship but at the same time I don't know if our relationship is already done and dusted.

I feel so guilty for my little one that the family is going to be broken up that I question or wonder how do I know what the right decision is? The wave of guilt is awful. How has anyone coped with splitting up with a partner with a LO? Did you panic if it was right? or did you try to make it all work again and got back together? I just look at my LO face and feel so sad :( I also feel guilty that my partner will be left with nothing and scared about his mental health.

Any advice is appreciated and sorry its long winded but seems like so much has gone on. I'm trying not to tell all my friends about it as don't want anyone involved. I have my family and 3 close friends who know about it. Its completely draining me of life :(

Sorry to hear this. He needs treatment for alcohol/drugs. Taking "tablets" is useless if he continues rotting his brain with partying. Do not play therapist, doctor or compensate like this. You are enabling his partying.

Can you and your child move out for a while to clear your head and protect her from this chaos? While it's kind that you understand his mental heath problems, the partying is in his control.

MH is not just one big basket. It also depends on the severity of things and his particular diagnosis and treatment. So far he has difficultly maintaining consistent work, is not properly treated or managed and it is undermined, exacerbated with partying.

He is passing, out drinking to excess, on 'work leave" and generally causing severe disruption in your poor child's life while you make futile attempts to manage and control this tidal wave of crisis conflict and chaos.

Therefore he is functioning on a very poor level. Inpatient rehab treatment would be a better idea than subjecting your child to this chaos. If he won't go...leave with your child and protect yourselves from his recklessness. Stop putting up with this and focusing on jealousy nonsense. Run with your child.

We had a baby girl who now is two

 

He would have the odd party night down at his mates which was fine I do it with my friends but it all started to get out of hand drinking excessively, passing out, staying out. It started to cause arguments, his MH took a downward spiral and was very snappy and grumpy all the time. It final came to a head and I told him I couldn't continue with him partying and been moody etc and to see the doctor about his mental health as it couldn't go on any longer.

Thanks for your message. He’s not drunk for a few weeks. He stopped his anti depressants as says he doesn’t feel like him not willing to take any different ones. He’s gone for counselling too he’s had about 3 sessions.

He stays at his friends some nights to help me have a break away from it all but still here sometimes. I feel better when he’s not around but he still asks if there’s a chance where I have replied with I can’t see how I can fix it all as I can’t see how we can. I don’t know if couple counselling would help or if I’m just past all that. The guilt of knowing he’s got to move out and be back to nothing is horrendous for me so then start to question if it’s right and feel bad.

He understands he’s done wrong but then at a click of a finger can change his opinion on that.

I feel so confused with everything

Please remove your child from this chaos. He is not being managed at all and dragging you and your child down. Do not sacrifice her childhood and emotional health to babysit an out-of-control heavy drinking irresponsible mess. Could your child be taken away from having her in this toxic environment?

Stop enabling him. Is he bipolar? Do you know what he is supposedly being treated for? Are these court ordered treatments? Why is he on work leave? Do you know or does he habitually lie/minimize things?

He seems to reject help and instead thinks partying is the answer. Read up on whatever he has and start realizing the seriousness of it.

THe stopped his anti depressants as says he doesn’t feel like him not willing to take any different ones. He’s gone for counselling too he’s had about 3 sessions.

he’s stop drinking and hasn’t for around 3 weeks and had only been heavily drinking over the past 4 months since he got put on leave but now back at work. It’s not been ongoing throughout our relationship. My child doesn't witness any arguments etc. I’ve no idea if bipolar? What do you mean enabling him?

The tablets were for anxiety and depression. The counselling is for this and ptsd which comes from been abandoned as a child x

Your child absolutely does know what's going on. Probably not the details but enough to know Daddy is grumpy and he and Mommy aren't getting along.

It has to be about your child.

Couples counseling is not called for when one person has untreated mental health issues. He has to get healthier as an individual before trying to be in a relationship.

Thank you I never knew couple counselling wasn’t called for if somebody has an untreated mental health problem.

A child raised by two happy stable separated parents is healthier than being exposed to parents in a toxic, struggling relationship/marriage. I have talked to plenty of young coworkers that came from homes that saw the deterioration/toxicity of their parents marriage. They all told me this, that they wish their parents had separated/divorce. Kids are very receptive to the strong and negative emotions coming from you and your SO. It does effect them emotionally too as it was explained to me by those coworkers.

Nothing wrong with doing the right thing for your child. Getting her out of there and into a stable environment would benefit her more....especially in the long run.

My first husband suffered from depression so I know how it feels to walk on eggshells. He went on anti-depressants when I threatened divorce, but years later said he didn't want to be on them forever. I begged him to keep taking them, but he didn't and became worse, and then I divorced him.

Your man is already telling you with his actions that there's no guarantee he will take the antidepressants for a lifetime, and that he handles major problems by drinking to excess.

As far as your daughter goes, she can't go unscathed with either of your decisions, but leaving him will inflict less pain, if handled maturely, than remaining in a toxic environment.

I have a co-worker with 2 children and who was married to a man suffered from depression and was lacking as a husband and father. She divorced him and years later, is now engaged to a man she's been with for about 6 years and she and the children are so much happier, because this man is everything she'd want in a husband and stepfather.

Your man sees very clearly how your relationship is suffering and is doing nothing to have things improve. So you can't do all the work yourself, when he doesn't care enough to let things die.

Don't make the mistake of not getting legal child custody documents drawn up, thinking you don't want to anger him. He is not a stable person and you having custody papers in order will save you a lot of time and headache should you need to restrict or change his parental rights if he goes down a bad path in the future, such as drinking and driving with her in the car. I know that something like this happened to a friend of mine, and now her ex can only have supervised visits of their child in her home.

Tell him you want to come up with a plan for shared parenting for the good of your child, and keep topics of discussion to be about her and nothing else. And then concentrate on transitioning your child to this new way of life. Good luck and keep us updated.

Some things to understand for you.

First is mental illness is not curable, it's for life. From what you describe, it doesn't even sound like he is properly diagnosed. This is also not unusual. It can take multiple psychiatrist and many attempts to get it right. Treatment for it is life long. He will always have it, he will always need therapy, he will always need medicine. Therein lies the problem though - some people with mental illness are highly diligent in following their treatment schedule and stick to it. Many, like your boyfriend, do not. They decide that they don't like it, don't like how it makes them feel, etc, etc, etc. What you end up with is a person who is quite literally unhinged, but doesn't think they are.

Couples counseling is pointless here because what he has is not a relationship issue. You are however, enabling him to behave badly by trying to be there for him, fix him, help him, and otherwise thinking that your love will solve all these problems. He has no reason to follow through with his medical treatment when there are no consequences, aka you'll put up with whatever he throws at you and play house with him and have a child with and otherwise try to normalize his behavior. This is very very wrong on your part.

You keep pointing that he hasn't drank in 3 weeks or he has gone to a few therapy sessions. OP, when he has been keeping it up for 1-2 years, THEN you might have something. The therapy and medications are for life though in his case and if he is going to go off the rails constantly, than nothing is ever going to change. If you take him back now, he'll fall right back into his old ways - because you allow it.

So I'll put it very bluntly to you. If you continue to carry on like this, your child will grow up needing PTSD treatment themselves because their mother, YOU, failed to protect them from an unhinged parent and failed to provide a stable and healthy environment to grow up in. You are more concerned with trying to cure a mental patient and playing house with him than you are about the damage you are doing to your child. Your priorities are backwards.

My mom stayed with my severely mentally ill medication non compliant father . I have life long PTSD due to him and his family and my mom’s decisions. She is also in a very crippled state and dying due to her decisions even though she left decades ago.

I am medicated for PTSD and panic disorder. My husband too is medicated for GAD and OCD. We will be for our entire lives. I DEMANDED my husband seek treatment when our son was born.

If he is non compliant , leave, period.

Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong thing about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.

Quoted from Jennifer Weiner

Thank you all for taking time to reply. All your replies have made me see things I’ve not. My daughter is the most important thing and I don’t want any harm to come to her or her mental health in later life.

I guess when you love someone you become blinded. The guilt of finishing it and splitting up the family was taking over me thinking clearly I guess. I feel guilt that if anything bad happened to my ex I would blame myself. I care about him as he’s the father of my child and maybe that’s why I feel bad cause he’s the dad of my child

I went to the doctors this afternoon and have given me some leaflets for some groups I can go to to help me through this.

Again thank you for taking time to reply xx

Your are damaging your child by staying in this environment. Time to protect your child.

You are enabling him. You need to address your co dependance.

Get out!

I could no longer cope with it all, all the MH just everything was just draining me and everything has just been about him in it all. There's been no fight for me from him but will happily just turn round and say if I'd just given him affection this would all be solved when all he's had is support and love. Its as if he forgets why its all happening[/b

- We can only take so much before it starts to destroy us :/.

YOu are aware of HIS MH issue's, so it is not all down to YOU being the guilty one.

YOu tried and he was over- challenging. Can't let others ruin us.

With him being on meds, then falling apart & depending in drinking.. is No Good! This is damaging/ loss of control.

Yes, sad :(. I have an ex like this.. I ended up leaving as well.

Is normal to feel bad for them - but it is their own battle. We cannot lose ourselves in their inner turmoil ...

Now, you need to take care of yourself & your little one,.. try to be there on occasion, but you not longer

owe him anything!

He has to take into account his own actions & behaviour and try to work on getting himself back to good - if possible.

As for your little one.. see it as you saved her :). I know I did with the boys father.. No more of them having to put up with his never being around & drinking ..

You aren't qualified to help this man, but you are responsible for raising your child free of the chaos and potential dangers of a mentally ill father who won't comply with treatment.

I'd pursue any means necessary to get the help YOU need to reconcile your priorities properly and move to a safe place as quickly as possible. Contact your local domestic violence agency to formulate the best plan.

Deal with the practical issues first, and then you'll have plenty of time to deal with the emotional stuff.

Head high, you're doing the right thing for your LO first and foremost.

My mother could have likely written this post many moons ago. She got into a relationship, and a marriage, that was constructed around the weakest, if not uncommon, of foundations: the idea that she could save a troubled man—my father—from himself. Never healthy, that. And next to impossible once children are involved, as she discovered. When I was four my father made a few choices involving drugs and money that led her to end the marriage. A romantic partnership that never really functioned properly had proved, alas, to be fully dysfunctional for a family.

In my life story, at least as I tell it, her choice to leave my father is one of the best things to ever happen to me, and to her, and not something to feel guilty about. She confronted instincts in herself—an enabling streak fueled by unprocessed self-esteem issues, for starters—and grew into an even stronger, warmer, more authentically compassionate version of herself in doing so. She learned to love herself fiercely, and by extension love others more expansively and less transactionally.

And me? I got to be raised by that awesome woman, in a stable, harmonious household in which those lessons she learned were passed down to me. I didn't learn to think of love as some kind of bandage, crutch, punishment, or blindfold. At four I had no idea what marriage was, no concept of a "broken home," since both of those are just social constructs invented by adults. By time time I learned about those constructs? I was, all in all, too happy with the way I was growing up to care too much about all that, or what others thought about my life station.

Anyhow, I share that with the hopes of nudging you to a place where you can expunge the guilt—perhaps, first, by exploring the deeper roots of it with the help of a professional. "Love is blind," is a nice sentiment, and not all together false, but it can also be a nice way to enable and rationalize unhealthy choices and emotional habits. For some reason you were drawn to a man who struggled to function, drawn to the notion that you could power his engine when it backfired, and it's worth demystifying all that so the inner-magnet loses its power. He is more patient, in short, than partner, as is clear with a sentence like this: I feel guilt that if anything bad happened to my ex I would blame myself.

The health of another adult, mental or physical, is not your responsibility. Romance is not medicine, which is why we have doctors. On a gut level, I think you've realized all that, now that you do have a human being who you are genuinely responsible for—your child. That is terrific, a positive step forward. Keep walking in that direction: for you, for her. This is the hardest moment, right now, but it is one you will thank yourself for down the line. You daughter, in time, will thank you as well.

This is so excellent it's going in the hall of fame.: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=390454&page=6&p=7200516#post7200516

Romance is not medicine, which is why we have doctors.

There is no way to side step the feelings of guilt while contemplating the ending of a marriage that involves children. Even if it's the most toxic of marriages. Just know the feelings are normal and part of the process. Try to not let it sway you.

I made the decision to end my marriage. My sons were 9 and 13 at the time. I knew at the time without a doubt, it's what I needed to do, but yet I still felt guilty. I still do at times. Just know it's normal.

I'd be more concerned if you didn't feel that way. This isn't just about you and you want what's best for your child. It's a leap of faith you sometimes just have to take.

I'm sorry you're going through this, MayJane.

Like you, I wouldn't like it if my husband (or partner) was drinking, partying all night and getting too chummy with a female co-worker.

You partner engages in gaslighting you. Google the word: "gaslighting" He deflects and turns blame around onto YOU. This is classic gaslighting. Whenever people in my life have gaslighted me chronically and habitually, I was done with them FOREVER. I don't play that gaslighting game because it's beneath me, sinister and dirty. It's manipulation at its finest.

Change the way you think. You'd feel extremely guilty if your daughter was in a toxic, dysfunctional, dangerous home with her father. It would be worse long term. Ending your relationship with your partner will give you the much needed peace you deserve. It's time to part ways in order to save your sanity and protect your child.

I know I do need to take care of myself and my child. Feel like I’ve been a mum to him with it all and realise this. It’s a horrible thing dealing with guilt even when you know there’s nothing you should be guilty about.

He does need to sort himself out himself and fight his own battle as my love won’t do that. Thank you for taking time to reply x

I'm sorry you're going through this, MayJane.

 

Like you, I wouldn't like it if my husband (or partner) was drinking, partying all night and getting too chummy with a female co-worker.

 

You partner engages in gaslighting you. Google the word: "gaslighting" He deflects and turns blame around onto YOU. This is classic gaslighting. Whenever people in my life have gaslighted me chronically and habitually, I was done with them FOREVER. I don't play that gaslighting game because it's beneath me, sinister and dirty. It's manipulation at its finest.

 

Change the way you think. You'd feel extremely guilty if your daughter was in a toxic, dysfunctional, dangerous home with her father. It would be worse long term. Ending your relationship with your partner will give you the much needed peace you deserve. It's time to part ways in order to save your sanity and protect your child.

Thank you. I have looked up gaslighting before as I felt like that’s what he was doing. The relationship breakdown was about his MH and the behaviours of drinking excessively, partying and lying not that it had all gone wrong because I don’t show him affection. It’s all been too much for me to take. I got a leaflet from the doctor which has some groups I can attend to help me with all of it as feel damaged from it. I’m a happy bubbly girl and feel like my sparkle has been put out with all of it.

Thank you for taking time to reply x

I could no longer cope with it all, all the MH just everything was just draining me and everything has just been about him in it all. There's been no fight for me from him but will happily just turn round and say if I'd just given him affection this would all be solved when all he's had is support and love. Its as if he forgets why its all happening[/b

- We can only take so much before it starts to destroy us :/.

 

YOu are aware of HIS MH issue's, so it is not all down to YOU being the guilty one.

YOu tried and he was over- challenging. Can't let others ruin us.

 

With him being on meds, then falling apart & depending in drinking.. is No Good! This is damaging/ loss of control.

Yes, sad :(. I have an ex like this.. I ended up leaving as well.

 

Is normal to feel bad for them - but it is their own battle. We cannot lose ourselves in their inner turmoil ...

 

Now, you need to take care of yourself & your little one,.. try to be there on occasion, but you not longer

owe him anything!

He has to take into account his own actions & behaviour and try to work on getting himself back to good - if possible.

 

As for your little one.. see it as you saved her :). I know I did with the boys father.. No more of them having to put up with his never being around & drinking ..

I know I do need to take care of myself and my child. Feel like I’ve been a mum to him with it all and realise this. It’s a horrible thing dealing with guilt even when you know there’s nothing you should be guilty about.

He does need to sort himself out himself and fight his own battle as my love won’t do that. Thank you for taking time to reply x

My mother could have likely written this post many moons ago. She got into a relationship, and a marriage, that was constructed around the weakest, if not uncommon, of foundations: the idea that she could save a troubled man—my father—from himself. Never healthy, that. And next to impossible once children are involved, as she discovered. When I was four my father made a few choices involving drugs and money that led her to end the marriage. A romantic partnership that never really functioned properly had proved, alas, to be fully dysfunctional for a family.

 

In my life story, at least as I tell it, her choice to leave my father is one of the best things to ever happen to me, and to her, and not something to feel guilty about. She confronted instincts in herself—an enabling streak fueled by unprocessed self-esteem issues, for starters—and grew into an even stronger, warmer, more authentically compassionate version of herself in doing so. She learned to love herself fiercely, and by extension love others more expansively and less transactionally.

 

And me? I got to be raised by that awesome woman, in a stable, harmonious household in which those lessons she learned were passed down to me. I didn't learn to think of love as some kind of bandage, crutch, punishment, or blindfold. At four I had no idea what marriage was, no concept of a "broken home," since both of those are just social constructs invented by adults. By time time I learned about those constructs? I was, all in all, too happy with the way I was growing up to care too much about all that, or what others thought about my life station.

 

Anyhow, I share that with the hopes of nudging you to a place where you can expunge the guilt—perhaps, first, by exploring the deeper roots of it with the help of a professional. "Love is blind," is a nice sentiment, and not all together false, but it can also be a nice way to enable and rationalize unhealthy choices and emotional habits. For some reason you were drawn to a man who struggled to function, drawn to the notion that you could power his engine when it backfired, and it's worth demystifying all that so the inner-magnet loses its power. He is more patient, in short, than partner, as is clear with a sentence like this: I feel guilt that if anything bad happened to my ex I would blame myself.

 

The health of another adult, mental or physical, is not your responsibility. Romance is not medicine, which is why we have doctors. On a gut level, I think you've realized all that, now that you do have a human being who you are genuinely responsible for—your child. That is terrific, a positive step forward. Keep walking in that direction: for you, for her. This is the hardest moment, right now, but it is one you will thank yourself for down the line. You daughter, in time, will thank you as well.

Im so glad everything turned out right for you. I guess I do feel like I can save him by helping him, been there for him constantly but it’s not at my cost of not been happy. I guess I feel like splitting up will send him into more of a hole with his MH and guess the guilt of feeling like that would be my fault makes me question it all.

Last night I messaged him and told him he would need to do everything alone or with his friend or family’s help but not my help. I can’t do it anymore I need to concentrate on me and my daughter and like you said romance is not medicine and thank you for making me realise that x