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Thread: Relationship breakdown and guilt

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're going through this, MayJane.

    Like you, I wouldn't like it if my husband (or partner) was drinking, partying all night and getting too chummy with a female co-worker.

    You partner engages in gaslighting you. Google the word: "gaslighting" He deflects and turns blame around onto YOU. This is classic gaslighting. Whenever people in my life have gaslighted me chronically and habitually, I was done with them FOREVER. I don't play that gaslighting game because it's beneath me, sinister and dirty. It's manipulation at its finest.

    Change the way you think. You'd feel extremely guilty if your daughter was in a toxic, dysfunctional, dangerous home with her father. It would be worse long term. Ending your relationship with your partner will give you the much needed peace you deserve. It's time to part ways in order to save your sanity and protect your child.

  2. #22
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    I know I do need to take care of myself and my child. Feel like Iíve been a mum to him with it all and realise this. Itís a horrible thing dealing with guilt even when you know thereís nothing you should be guilty about.

    He does need to sort himself out himself and fight his own battle as my love wonít do that. Thank you for taking time to reply x

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I'm sorry you're going through this, MayJane.

    Like you, I wouldn't like it if my husband (or partner) was drinking, partying all night and getting too chummy with a female co-worker.

    You partner engages in gaslighting you. Google the word: "gaslighting" He deflects and turns blame around onto YOU. This is classic gaslighting. Whenever people in my life have gaslighted me chronically and habitually, I was done with them FOREVER. I don't play that gaslighting game because it's beneath me, sinister and dirty. It's manipulation at its finest.

    Change the way you think. You'd feel extremely guilty if your daughter was in a toxic, dysfunctional, dangerous home with her father. It would be worse long term. Ending your relationship with your partner will give you the much needed peace you deserve. It's time to part ways in order to save your sanity and protect your child.
    Thank you. I have looked up gaslighting before as I felt like thatís what he was doing. The relationship breakdown was about his MH and the behaviours of drinking excessively, partying and lying not that it had all gone wrong because I donít show him affection. Itís all been too much for me to take. I got a leaflet from the doctor which has some groups I can attend to help me with all of it as feel damaged from it. Iím a happy bubbly girl and feel like my sparkle has been put out with all of it.

    Thank you for taking time to reply x

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by SooSad33
    [B]I could no longer cope with it all, all the MH just everything was just draining me and everything has just been about him in it all. There's been no fight for me from him but will happily just turn round and say if I'd just given him affection this would all be solved when all he's had is support and love. Its as if he forgets why its all happening[/B
    - We can only take so much before it starts to destroy us :/.

    YOu are aware of HIS MH issue's, so it is not all down to YOU being the guilty one.
    YOu tried and he was over- challenging. Can't let others ruin us.

    With him being on meds, then falling apart & depending in drinking.. is No Good! This is damaging/ loss of control.
    Yes, sad :(. I have an ex like this.. I ended up leaving as well.

    Is normal to feel bad for them - but it is their own battle. We cannot lose ourselves in their inner turmoil ...

    Now, you need to take care of yourself & your little one,.. try to be there on occasion, but you not longer
    owe him anything!
    He has to take into account his own actions & behaviour and try to work on getting himself back to good - if possible.

    As for your little one.. see it as you saved her :). I know I did with the boys father.. No more of them having to put up with his never being around & drinking ..
    I know I do need to take care of myself and my child. Feel like Iíve been a mum to him with it all and realise this. Itís a horrible thing dealing with guilt even when you know thereís nothing you should be guilty about.

    He does need to sort himself out himself and fight his own battle as my love wonít do that. Thank you for taking time to reply x

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    My mother could have likely written this post many moons ago. She got into a relationship, and a marriage, that was constructed around the weakest, if not uncommon, of foundations: the idea that she could save a troubled manómy fatherófrom himself. Never healthy, that. And next to impossible once children are involved, as she discovered. When I was four my father made a few choices involving drugs and money that led her to end the marriage. A romantic partnership that never really functioned properly had proved, alas, to be fully dysfunctional for a family.

    In my life story, at least as I tell it, her choice to leave my father is one of the best things to ever happen to me, and to her, and not something to feel guilty about. She confronted instincts in herselfóan enabling streak fueled by unprocessed self-esteem issues, for startersóand grew into an even stronger, warmer, more authentically compassionate version of herself in doing so. She learned to love herself fiercely, and by extension love others more expansively and less transactionally.

    And me? I got to be raised by that awesome woman, in a stable, harmonious household in which those lessons she learned were passed down to me. I didn't learn to think of love as some kind of bandage, crutch, punishment, or blindfold. At four I had no idea what marriage was, no concept of a "broken home," since both of those are just social constructs invented by adults. By time time I learned about those constructs? I was, all in all, too happy with the way I was growing up to care too much about all that, or what others thought about my life station.

    Anyhow, I share that with the hopes of nudging you to a place where you can expunge the guiltóperhaps, first, by exploring the deeper roots of it with the help of a professional. "Love is blind," is a nice sentiment, and not all together false, but it can also be a nice way to enable and rationalize unhealthy choices and emotional habits. For some reason you were drawn to a man who struggled to function, drawn to the notion that you could power his engine when it backfired, and it's worth demystifying all that so the inner-magnet loses its power. He is more patient, in short, than partner, as is clear with a sentence like this: I feel guilt that if anything bad happened to my ex I would blame myself.

    The health of another adult, mental or physical, is not your responsibility. Romance is not medicine, which is why we have doctors. On a gut level, I think you've realized all that, now that you do have a human being who you are genuinely responsible foróyour child. That is terrific, a positive step forward. Keep walking in that direction: for you, for her. This is the hardest moment, right now, but it is one you will thank yourself for down the line. You daughter, in time, will thank you as well.
    Im so glad everything turned out right for you. I guess I do feel like I can save him by helping him, been there for him constantly but itís not at my cost of not been happy. I guess I feel like splitting up will send him into more of a hole with his MH and guess the guilt of feeling like that would be my fault makes me question it all.

    Last night I messaged him and told him he would need to do everything alone or with his friend or familyís help but not my help. I canít do it anymore I need to concentrate on me and my daughter and like you said romance is not medicine and thank you for making me realise that x

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    There is no way to side step the feelings of guilt while contemplating the ending of a marriage that involves children. Even if it's the most toxic of marriages. Just know the feelings are normal and part of the process. Try to not let it sway you.

    I made the decision to end my marriage. My sons were 9 and 13 at the time. I knew at the time without a doubt, it's what I needed to do, but yet I still felt guilty. I still do at times. Just know it's normal.

    I'd be more concerned if you didn't feel that way. This isn't just about you and you want what's best for your child. It's a leap of faith you sometimes just have to take.
    Thank you. Itís the guilt that then makes me question everything. But now Iím starting to realise its his own battle not mine and my love isnít going to cure it. He had everything, love a nice home, my family and friends and I guess cause all that will be or has been taken away that he will be left rock bottom which obviously I didnít want so then the guilt starts. I know I canít be with him as itís not right and I feel so much better when heís not around. Hope the guilt will start to ease and at least reading a lot of messages on here have started to help me in realising things xx

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Perhaps the guilt you feel is neglecting and sacrificing your child to hang on to a man who refuses to take care of himself. A two year old can not take care of themselves yet you've chosen to take care of a grown man who drinks and is out-of-control instead of an innocent child.
    Originally Posted by MayJane
    Feel like Iíve been a mum to him with it all and realise this. Itís a horrible thing dealing with guilt even when you know thereís nothing you should be guilty about.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MayJane
    Thank you. I have looked up gaslighting before as I felt like thatís what he was doing. The relationship breakdown was about his MH and the behaviours of drinking excessively, partying and lying not that it had all gone wrong because I donít show him affection. Itís all been too much for me to take. I got a leaflet from the doctor which has some groups I can attend to help me with all of it as feel damaged from it. Iím a happy bubbly girl and feel like my sparkle has been put out with all of it.

    Thank you for taking time to reply x
    Please do get some individual counseling for yourself in addition to attending some of those group meetings. Yes, getting involved with someone like that will cause a lot of damage to you. However, what drove you into this type of a relationship are some of your own personal issues, poor perceptions of what love and relationships are about, this incredibly misplaced guilt you are feeling which is not normal or healthy for you and so on. At some point you have to ask yourself the hard questions of "why did I choose a mate who is damaged? why do I want to keep staying with him? what attracts me to a fixer upper project?" If you don't deal with yourself, you are liable to end up with yet another toxic relationship down the road. You've got to solve what draws you to this toxic mess not only for yourself, but for the sake of your child.

    What you are learning the hard way is that people are not fixer upper projects in that you can't fix them or change them. Also, that when you get involved with someone like that, you won't bring them up to your level, they will bring you down to theirs and suck the life out of you quite literally.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Perhaps the guilt you feel is neglecting and sacrificing your child to hang on to a man who refuses to take care of himself. A two year old can not take care of themselves yet you've chosen to take care of a grown man who drinks and is out-of-control instead of an innocent child.
    With all due respect I’m looking after my child and she’s not neglected far from it. I might be trying to help my partner but I can fully ensure you she’s not neglected. My partner or ex should I say is only mostly around in the evening and previously said hes been not drinking and having counselling. Previous to that when he’s been drunk he’s been drunk else where on a night away from my daughter not in my home. I’ve been with this person for 7 years and whilst I understand comments made and how I have acted with my partner is not maybe right with some one with mental issues it doesn’t not mean for one minute my daughter has been neglected. I may feel guilty about how I feel with a situation but it doesn’t mean this guilt is taking over my life and my daughter isn’t getting what she needs. I’ve split up with him and just cause I may still care or wonder or feel guilty about things these im sure are natural things people may go through and question. I appreciate everyone’s comments as I posted asking for advise but just want to assure you that my child is not neglected.

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