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Thread: Finding out after 4 months that he never actually had feelings for me

  1. #1

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    Finding out after 4 months that he never actually had feelings for me

    I started seeing this guy in August last year. A few weeks in, he told me he was moving away in April. So we stopped seeing each other for a while. Then a few weeks later we started hooking up. We work together, and it just sort of happened one night after a few drinks.

    We texted everyday, he took me out to the nicest restaurants and we spent a bit of time together, he bought me some of the nicest gifts, and he also asked me to spend his birthday with him.. it was all so nice and I quickly realised how much I liked him and eventually he was all I thought about.

    But a few weeks ago I noticed that he wasnít texting me as much and stopped making plans to see me. He started adding girls on social media and I was starting to get upset.

    We never talked about our feelings and we never discussed our relationship. I know it was silly (and a huge mistake) but I didnít want to burst the bubble we were in. I thought we liked each other a lot and we just werenít getting too close or serious because we both knew this would end soon anyway.

    But I know now that i misread the situation completely because when I did talk to him about it a few days ago, it turned out that he didnít really have any feelings for me and he was just after a little fun. When I told him that I had feelings for him he questioned me like he was in disbelief that I thought it was anything more than being casual. He said he only realised I had feelings for him a couple of weeks ago when I told him I was upset that he hadnít been making time to see me. It was horribly embarrassing and I just felt like hiding under the table.

    Heís not at all the person I thought he was and I dont know how to get over the fact that I totally misread him and fell for him, the whole time thinking he felt the same for me. Looking back it definitely wasnít your typical casual sex type of relationships. We spent so much time together. We met a few of each otherís friends and got to know each other pretty well. It just suddenly faded one day.

    So now that weíve stopped seeing each other, Iím just finding it difficult to get over the relationship I didnít have. I still have to see him at work and itís so hard for me cause Iím too embarrassed to be around him. I have to keep it together around people and I then run to bathroom to let myself go and cry a little. Itís so hard right now.

    Iím confused about how I feel towards him too. I really cared for him and I want to hate him but I canít. I wish I could be angry at him but thatís not how I feel. Iím just angry at myself for letting myself get so caught up in feelings that were never there.

    Iím not sure what Iím looking for by putting this out there. But I havenít even told my friends about what happened cause Iím just too embarrassed. I wonder if anyone else has made this mistake? And how you dealt with it.

    I just really didnít think I could be so naive but I guess you learn more and more about yourself from every experience.

  2. #2
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    Sorry this happened. It sucks that you still have to see him at work.

    I can understand you are disappointed; he should not have been inviting you to spend his birthday with him and meet his friends and taking you out on nice dates if he intended to keep everything purely casual. I am assume he is old enough to not be oblivious to the mixed messages that sends.

    That said, take it as an important lesson for you. If you had previously stopped seeing each other, and then never really defined things after you started hooking up again - don't assume it means it is headed toward something serious. And don't let it continue so long without having a conversation about your respective desired outcomes of it.

    For now, all you can do is keep your distance from him as much as possible. You don't necessarily need to explain exactly what happened when friends start asking about him. You can simply say you realized that you two want different things and decided to part ways.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by aria881
    I started seeing this guy in August last year. A few weeks in, he told me he was moving away in April. So we stopped seeing each other for a while. Then a few weeks later we started hooking up. We work together, and it just sort of happened one night after a few drinks.

    Heís not at all the person I thought he was and I dont know how to get over the fact that I totally misread him and fell for him, the whole time thinking he felt the same for me. .
    I think he made it clear what the situation was early on... he was moving away.

    But when you started hooking up, in his mind, you understood that this was just a bit of fun because... he was moving away. But that's where the misunderstanding began with you thinking that perhaps he had changed his mind and wanted more?

    His original statement that he was moving away still stood in his mind, it was never going to change, and he'd stated it clearly, so her didn't feel like he needed to reiterate, as he thought you understood. And yes, he overdid the pampering and dating to keep around what he considered was an FWB until he departed.

    But, the pampering, and lack of reiteration caused you to think he changed his mind, and you went with that, only to be disappointed.

    Just to be clear, he did have feelings for you, but as he was leaving, he did not allow it to grow beyond what it was.
    Let this be a learning and understanding experience, and just move on. And, don't be so hard on yourself.

  4. #4
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    If he really wanted it casual, he shouldnít have bought you gifts, taken you to nice dinners, introduced you to his friends. I know he told you at the beginning that it was casual and that he was leaving, but, people need to realize that people that they are dating WILL develop feelings if you do the things you do above, like taking someone on nice dates and buying gifts, and acting like they are a couple, even if they say itís only ďcasualĒ (whatever that means.). Iím so sorry you are going through this, try to avoid him if you can and spend time with friends. Try to meet new guys if you can! :-) This too, shall pass.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Piaresssss's Avatar
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    First off you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

    As someone who has the pattern of behavior that this man has you have done nothing wrong.

    From what I have read he has some commitment issues that he needs to address and until he does he will keep repeating that pattern. I would recommend therapy for him. It is helping me beyond belief.

    But know you have done nothing wrong and should hold you head high when ever you see him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Hold your head up at work, act professional and avoid him as much as possible. Is he the office playboy? Date outside of work and do not confuse fwb/hookups with dating or serious relationships.

    These gestures, texting, dinner whatever are nice but it does not mean 'relationship' unless that is crystal clear. Basically he treated you like a high priced escort, that included dinners and "the girlfriend experience".

    What one person builds up in their minds, the other is not responsible for.
    Originally Posted by aria881
    he told me he was moving away in April. Then a few weeks later we started hooking up. We work together, and it just sort of happened one night after a few drinks.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    First of all, when you get into FWB, this stuff happens. One person stays true to the deal, another wants more. You are not the first, not the last, not alone and thus have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are human after all.

    That said, I think it would help to make this a little less dramatic. He told you he was moving away and that hasn't changed. So this whole thing came with a hard expiration date from the get go. You enjoyed the company and the dating as did he, but you knew all along it was temporary. As you said yourself, you didn't want to burst that bubble, because you already knew that his answer to you would not be one you want to hear. He is still moving so nothing was ever going to happen here.

    So, you have a choice now. You can treat this as a lovely time you both had, which was unfortunately temporary. Or you can tell yourself this horror story how he never cared and you are somehow wronged. One will make you look back with a smile and become a fond memory. The other will leave you sobbing in the bathroom feeling lousy. Your choice.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Forgive yourself for thinking that his superficial gestures meant more than they did; learn the lesson that when someone tells you that they are not wanting a relationship or they are moving or whatever "but" they add that indicates they don't want to commit, that you don't see them again because you know you can't do casual; and then be grateful for the experience without regret and then go into work with a smile and the confidence that this lesson has given you in general.

    You're going to be just fine as you do your day to day knowing that very thing.


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