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Thread: Worth working it out or are we too incompatible?

  1. #1
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    Worth working it out or are we too incompatible?

    My bf and I share a bed. I feel like our biggest problem is with physical intimacy. I have a much higher sex drive than him but also I'd be okay with just cuddling for a little while before going to sleep. Sometimes he is in the mood but most nights he just wants to lay down and go to sleep. He doesn't like the be touched when he's trying to fall asleep. He is a light sleeper so sounds and things will keep him awake and sometimes he has stomach issues from eating too much before bed, etc. Sometimes he's just in a bad mood (which also ruins it). I have a difficult time trying not to take it personally but I try as much as I can.

    Lately, he was asking me ways he could show me that he loves me. I mentioned that I appreciate the ways he already shows me but I did mention how I would like to have more sex. He said it doesn't hurt to say something. He also says he'd want me to initiate more yet I explained that I don't initiate anymore because I don't feel like being rejected. We do have sex once or maybe twice a week. I'd be ok with having sex maybe every other night or even just a few minutes of cuddling before turning over and going to bed. I've noticed that we might have a day or two where he is in a decent mood and he wants to cuddle but it's typically followed by several days of just him not wanting physical affection of any kind and then he'll turn it around on me. The other night he made a point of scooting me away from him a bit more and saying he was making room for his side of the bed and when I was asking if I could just hold him for a bit he said I was being selfish and he felt "used" and brushed me off him. I was left wide awake and contemplating. I went out to the other room for a while to distract myself and calm down so I could eventually fall asleep. The next night I could just tell it was going that direction so I just let him sleep and hung out in the living room for an hour or so til I was tired enough to sleep. I was upset about it but I didn't want to argue. The next day he texted how he was sorry he didn't snuggle me last night, that he was tired. Then last night, I asked him if he could please hold me for a few minutes and he asks me why I "always" need him to hold me and why can't I hold him (despite the fact he doesn't like to be held much) and he told me I'm being selfish and clingy which is hurtful. I don't feel as if I'm clingy for wanting some affection before bed. I'm not asking for an all night cuddle fest. I just want some physical intimacy. By then I was flat out upset and he continued to ask me to hold him which I felt was his way of mocking me and I told him that I felt mocked. He said that he wasn't and a bit later he attempted to turn over and rub my back but I felt like he felt forced to do it so by then I was just done and over it. I cried at that point because I'm just at my wit's end because I feel like we are both too stubborn and incompatible.

    I don't know whether comprising is possible and whether we can improve our communication and intimacy. Is this an issue that can't be resolved?

    Also, sometimes sex in the morning is better but even that is hit or miss because we have to be up early and at different times from each other. During the day we work opposite days of each other because he helps with my daughter on the days I work and stuff. There isn't much opportunity for too much affection before my daughter goes to bed. We get time apart when one or the other is working and when home I feel like we do get quality time together as well as time to do separate hobbies and things. We each get time here and there to hang with our own friends and stuff. I don't feel as if I'm being clingy or selfish for needing intimacy in my relationship. Am I asking for too much or am I just with the wrong guy? I have a hard time with this because in many other ways we are compatible and we both enjoy and value quality time and when we are affectionate we get along.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how long you guys have been together? Also curious if this is a new development—let’s call it the intimacy gap—or something of a recent development. Just trying to understand if you’re trying to get back to an established foundation or establish something that hasn’t quite been part of your relationship.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Agree it sounds like he is pushing you away physically, emotionally and sexually. How long have you been together? How long have you lived together? When did the doldrums begin? Stop begging then persisting, it's just a tug-of-war he always wins.

    Has he always been stingy with /combative about affection? Agree there are incompatibility issues. Have you considered that what is playing out in the bedroom represents a much larger power struggle and stand-off outside of the bed.

    This has nothing to do with sex, that is just a representation of resentment and contempt. You need to consider asking him to leave your house. He seems to have grown disrespectful and withholding affection is a way to stick it to you.
    Originally Posted by Acolyte2020
    My bf and I share a bed. We do have sex once or maybe twice a week.

    Then last night, I asked him if he could please hold me for a few minutes and he asks me why I "always" need him to hold me and why can't I hold him (despite the fact he doesn't like to be held much) and he told me I'm being selfish and clingy which is hurtful.

    I feel like we are both too stubborn and incompatible.

    he helps with my daughter on the days I work and stuff. There isn't much opportunity for too much affection before my daughter goes to bed.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What makes him so tired and grumpy? It sounds like he is exhausted to the point of wanting to simply drop dead and sleep. So do you know what's going on his life?
    On his days off, he doesn't really get a day off since he is helping you with your daughter. Does he actually get any down time or personal time at all?

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  6. #5
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    We've been together for 8 months but due to our living situations at the time we decided to move in together about 5 months ago. We had been having sex before we lived together and I didn't notice the pattern initially because before living together we didn't have as much opportunity to "alone" time but when we did everything seemed fine. There were a couple times in the beginning when he'd have stomach issues and he'd just simply move my hand if it was resting on his stomach or something but he would explain why. Maybe since the relationship was new he didn't really make a point to mention just how much of an issue this was at first. When we first moved in together we had an air mattress so sleeping and intimacy was a bit of a battle in the beginning too but I initially thought it was because of the bed situation. We got a wonderful nice new bed that feels so amazing and I figured things would improve.

    Now it's just kind of on and off. Some days he's real affectionate and when he is in the mood he will make moves and since I naturally have a high drive I'm don't turn it down. Other days when he's not in the mood it's like complete opposite when in bed together.

    I do understand being tired and I know sometimes he gets stressed because he does help with my daughter often. I appreciate the help but I've never really forced him to help me with that. She has a before and after care that I can put her in but when I have her in it he ends up offering to pick her up from school anyway because he feels she should be with us rather than childcare but it's one of those things that it's either he watch her to save us money or he not watch her and he can have a little more free time and I'd pay for her to be in the program. I don't feel he has to be responsible for that but he offered the help and then occasionally gets frustrated about it yet if he does I remind him that he does not have to but I just can't go back and forth. It's either one or the other. He continues to watch her and pick her up anyway so there's no point in wasting the money. When he started working the new job a few months ago he made the days opposite of mine for this reason and he does get several hours of free time on his days off and on off days he spends several hours playing video games or ocassionally he might visit a friend up the street. Sometimes I'll go out with a friend or go to an open mic night or work on school work and such. I feel like he gets an okay amount of free time and I get my own free time every other weekend when he works and my daughter goes to her dad's.

    He does have the tendency to deal with depression. I get depressed too about things in my life and have been through a lot myself. He does have a situation with an ex that he has a daughter but the ex up and moved another state away and every time he reaches out to try to be involved she avoids giving much info and is very short in her responses. I know that eats him up inside and both his parents past away several years ago and his grandma more recently. There are legit things like that which could affect his mood and he dies work hard on the days he works. I try to be understanding of all of this and not take everything personally. I feel I've been pretty understanding and supportive for the most part.

    When I back off and try to give more space or if I'm less affectionate it's like he turns it around on me. After last night, he texts me today saying I've been quieter than usual the past few days because I haven't texted much. When he came home today he was trying to be affectionate towards me. I wasn't not affectionate but it's just not fair to me to be rejected and then the next day everything is okay because he wants affection then. :-/

    Financially of I had better options I guess I'd consider the alternative to working things out but I'm not sure I can do that until our lease is up. I guess there would be ways but I'm already trying to work on paying my financial debts from school, car loan, personal loan to pay off past expenses for childcare so breaking up and trying to find somewhere to live would cause even further hardships financially. That's not the only reason though. Deep down I feel like he loves me and cares and he is genuine in the way he cares for me in other ways and I do love him too but maybe I'm taking on too much. :(

  7. #6
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    Only 8 months and you are having all of these issues.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can't help but think that a lot of this goes back to how quickly you guys have moved. Three months is pretty soon to be moving in, especially when a child is involved. I kind of get the feeling that you went from dating to insta blended family, without giving yourselves time to establish whether you two really worked as a couple.

    But, well, here you are. So, what to do?

    One place to start might be with your daughter, removing that care from his table. Doesn't have to be extreme. But rather than having these draining talks—him voicing occasional frustration, you reiterating that no one is "forcing" him—just take care of it yourself, much the way I assume you did a very short time ago, given that you haven't even known him for long. So when he offers to help you just say, "Thanks, I appreciate that, but she's all set with after school care."

    Might allow some room for you two to keep dating, as you should be at 8 months, rather than being an insta-family.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    One place to start might be with your daughter, removing that care from his table. Doesn't have to be extreme. But rather than having these draining talks—him voicing occasional frustration, you reiterating that no one is "forcing" him—just take care of it yourself, much the way I assume you did a very short time ago, given that you haven't even known him for long. So when he offers to help you just say, "Thanks, I appreciate that, but she's all set with after school care."
    Thank you for the advice. I think this is great advice and I tried this before and when I do have her in the full time program he ends up picking her up anyway defeating the purpose of me paying for the care. It's like he wants the free time sometimes and then other times he wants to be extra helpful. He doesn't understand why her dad isn't more involved throughout the week also because if he had the chance with his daughter he'd make those sacrifices like a parent should. I've been through enough turmoil with my daughter's father and I don't ask for much more than what that current agreement is between me and her dad because it cuts out any extra drama and that's my choice. I guess I need to set firmer boundaries for our relationship if we are going to work things out and make some decisions to help and if he chooses to pick her up early then that's his choice and he can't put that on me.

    I have also recently started birth control as there were a few months where we weren't being smart/safe about pregnancy prevention but then one day when asked him about that he would say birth control was my choice. Recently when I started it I hadn't told him yet and he found out kind of in the middle... and asked when I was going to tell him and his response was "uh.. well, whatever". This isn't something to be wishy washy about and we are not ready for anything permanent with the way things are going. I want to establish a better relationship and not be stuck in one that isn't working or be stuck with consequences of poor choices forever. As much as I'd like another kid one day this is something I have experience with and do not want to do again until I'm sure and confident about the person I'm with working with me everyday on bettering our relationship for each other.

    I'm sorry I've been writing so much and this is definitely about more than just the sex. Maybe I just needed somewhere to get this stuff out in order to reevaluate my situation and how to approach it better.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Acolyte2020
    Thank you for the advice. I think this is great advice and I tried this before and when I do have her in the full time program he ends up picking her up anyway defeating the purpose of me paying for the care. It's like he wants the free time sometimes and then other times he wants to be extra helpful. He doesn't understand why her dad isn't more involved throughout the week also because if he had the chance with his daughter he'd make those sacrifices like a parent should. I've been through enough turmoil with my daughter's father and I don't ask for much more than what that current agreement is between me and her dad because it cuts out any extra drama and that's my choice. I guess I need to set firmer boundaries for our relationship if we are going to work things out and make some decisions to help and if he chooses to pick her up early then that's his choice and he can't put that on me.

    I have also recently started birth control as there were a few months where we weren't being smart/safe about pregnancy prevention but then one day when asked him about that he would say birth control was my choice. Recently when I started it I hadn't told him yet and he found out kind of in the middle... and asked when I was going to tell him and his response was "uh.. well, whatever". This isn't something to be wishy washy about and we are not ready for anything permanent with the way things are going. I want to establish a better relationship and not be stuck in one that isn't working or be stuck with consequences of poor choices forever. As much as I'd like another kid one day this is something I have experience with and do not want to do again until I'm sure and confident about the person I'm with working with me everyday on bettering our relationship for each other.

    I'm sorry I've been writing so much and this is definitely about more than just the sex. Maybe I just needed somewhere to get this stuff out in order to reevaluate my situation and how to approach it better.
    Why not exercise this attitude for your existing kid?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Why not exercise this attitude for your existing kid?
    I was going to say almost the same thing verbatim.

    It's kind of shocking, to be honest, that he even feels he could "choose" to pick her up without asking you. She is your child, not his. Much as he may want to atone for whatever went sideways with his own daughter, and much as you may want a family dynamic that works where your other one didn't, that doesn't happen with a snap of the fingers or the signing of a lease.

    I think you need to take some real steps to treat your romantic life and your life as mother as separate entities. It's going to be a challenge, since there haven't been a whole lot of boundaries in that regard up to this point, but better late than never, as the saying goes. Those two things should be working on their own before being braided together, and perhaps that's a way to express it to him.

    The pace you're going right now? It's like driving a car with the gas pedal floored. Fun for a moment, but soon enough you find you're missing out on the scenery (the road trip version of intimacy), to say nothing of heading for a crash. Time to see if you can reduce the speed a bit, for the safety of everyone involved, your daughter in particular.

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