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Thread: Ex unblocked me after 5+ years

  1. #41
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, sounds like you've got it all sorted out.

    And you're right. We only have so much to extract from here, a limited picture, in this case a woman (you) who in a 30 day period has devoted time and energy to two different ex's while being in a marriage. Along with that snapshot, we have the lens of our own lives and life experiences. One thing I've learned, for instance? Is that it is a fool's errand, always, to try to figure out the motivations of other people or do anything that assumes another person feels, well, anything specifically. It is, in my opinion, a waste of mental and emotional energy, though it's often a nice place to spend some energy when we don't want to explore our own motivations.

    What I notice, when you write about him, is that the narrative seems to be: this dude messed you up, and, if you're not careful, this dude might be able to "drag you back" into something messed up. That is giving him a lot of power, preserving, perhaps, a state of being that once existed in your life but no longer needs to. Eventually, I hope, you can settle on a story that you and this dude just made a mess, as people do, especially young people, in the experiment of romance. That's kind of the basis of indifference, because it leeches the whole thing of power and mystery and just makes it a chapter in your life that is in the past.

    I'm not big on blocking, either, though I've done it with two people, an ex and someone I briefly dated and made a terrific mess with. How that sits with them, whether they think it "shows" that I still careŚwell, shrug emoji. I accept that those people aren't healthy influences in my life, in any way, so they stay on the outside, even if a little adolescent corridor of my brain is sometimes curious about what they're up to. As it happens, I ran into one of them on the street a few months ago. Hardly the end of the world, as even your worst case assumptions in this story are hardly the end of the world, even if your mind is itchy to spin apocalyptic tales.

    What your posting here does show, at least to my eyes, is that you have an instinct to make this guy's life about you. Where he lives, what he does on social mediaŚall that gets reduced to you. Perhaps there is a sense of power in thinking along those lines, in believing that the same juju that led him to drive past your house during the uni years remains potent, a quality you possess and want validated on some semi-conscious level. I don't know. Can't say it seems like the healthiest headspace to nurture, but you'll do for you what you think adds to your life.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jay98
    Christ all this because I wanted to make sure his motivation WASN'T to reach out to me.
    I don't think so... Your motivation was to cause drama for yourself where none existed. However; If you did fear him reaching out to you then all you had to do is block and delete him but you won't do that because you get an ego boost or some other form of gratification keeping him present in your life. You don't see that yet, and you resist it when you get a glimpse of YOUR actual motive.
    He didn't live in the same area before. He lived an hour away so yes, moving the next street to my family not only rang alarms for me but my family as well
    ... and just how did your family figure out he moved a street away? Did he contact one of them, did your so called mutual friends let your family know? Did you stalk his social media? Was he stupid enough to put his address on the internet for all to see? How?

    - my dad said he saw him drive by the house fairly recently and, years ago, HE TOLD ME HIMSELF that he drove by my old flat when I was in uni 'for nostalgia' while we were broken up and had spent the whole time thinking about talking to me (which he managed to do before it all went to poop again).
    So?????? If you have no intentions of having anything to do with him SHOULD he contact you (in anyway) why worry about it? Do you fear for your life?


    I understand it's not easy to get the full picture when you only have a paragraph to work with.
    Oh, I think we all get the "true" picture from your paragraph... you just don't get it.


    I don't obsess or think about his life choices. I don't care. Complete apathy. I just don't want him making excuses to speak to me, my husband or my family because he has before. And I'm sorry but I don't agree that not blocking means I want him to creep on me
    No it means you want to be able to creep on him and that should he contact you, you will get that ego boost or that drama or that attention or whatever it is that keeps you mired to him through social media. If you were apathetic, then you wouldn't care what blocking him would look like, if you were actually 'concerned' then you would just do it and not give a crap about his thoughts on it.

    - my accounts show nothing personal. They're all locked down. If I block him when he's made no effort to contact me I believe that shows him that I still care and I don't. I'd rather just carry on like he doesn't exist.
    Then just do that... no need to start a thread to validate your own choice then I guess.

  3. #43
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    My family told me because it's hard not to bump into someone who's practically your neighbour now. They asked me if I ever gave him a set of keys for the house because they were concerned.

    Couldn't care less about his social media. I don't know why you think I want to "creep" on him - I don't care. I saw his name come up once and apart from the original anxiety surge which caused me to write this post I've not even looked.

    He's someone who's manipulated his way into my life in the past and I don't want a repeat that's all. My other ex who I spoke of on another thread is a seperate issue, we stopped talking ages ago.

    But thanks, anyway. If a mod could close this thread that would be great.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I think everyone has, Lambert. Thing is, in my day there was no social media so we did a drive by their house to see if we could suss out what they were up to. Oh the shame if they caught us. lol
    I remember doing that.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by Jay98
    My family told me because it's hard not to bump into someone who's practically your neighbour now. They asked me if I ever gave him a set of keys for the house because they were concerned.

    Couldn't care less about his social media. I don't know why you think I want to "creep" on him - I don't care. I saw his name come up once and apart from the original anxiety surge which caused me to write this post I've not even looked.

    He's someone who's manipulated his way into my life in the past and I don't want a repeat that's all. My other ex who I spoke of on another thread is a seperate issue, we stopped talking ages ago.

    But thanks, anyway. If a mod could close this thread that would be great.
    I have not seen my neighbor, who I *like* all winter. I live on a corner and so do they, our houses are perpindicular to eachother (our backyards touch in an "L"). I usually leave one way, and they leave the other. We have different shedules. Occasionally i will see a porch light on, but i have not crossed paths. If i haven't seen my direct neighbor in months who i don't mind seeing - i can imagine you won't see your ex either who lives a little farther away. its not something to live in wait of. BTW, my guys' ex lives 2 miles down the same windy road we live on. She didn't live there while we were together, she married and i know where she lives because something about her and her husband was in the local paper about winning a decorating competition. Has he or I ever seen her? Nope. not at the grocery store, not at the local chamber of commerce events. Nowhere. And there was no way she started dating her husband thinking "oh, he lives by my ex, i better date him so i can SPY". Your ex might have met a lady and she lives there too. who knows.

    I would just stop giving it headspace and focus on your husband.

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