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Thread: The odd one out - Ambushed by Sisters

  1. #1
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    The odd one out - Ambushed by Sisters

    During Christmas break I took my toddler son to my parents home to spend time with his cousins and grandparents. One of my sisters bought him presents yet didnít even ask me how I was since Iíve moved to another state. When Iím far away she calls me constantly and when I showed up in person she gave me a cold shoulder. I called her out on it and was like arenít u gonna ask me how I am since Iíve moved. Sheís like I know u came here just for your son. I was like if course heís lonely and no one has come to visit us. My other sister was like ok weíre gonna go out for a drink are u coming? I was like well now Iím not in the mood to celebrate if Iím getting a cold shoulder as soon as I arrive. They left anyways. Second sister got my sons presents too yet could give two s about his mom. Than my third sister face times me from another stare to tell me what a great trip sheís having with her own family. After I hung up I realized she called me to rub it in my face. Iím a stay at home mom I donít socialize that much and I felt even more alone when I saw them. Since then they text in a group message as if nothing has happened so I just stop texting completely. The only thing Iím worried about is my child. I feel so bad for him because he is the only child and needs contact with his family. But it makes it hard to show up when they clearly could care less about actually being in my presence or even taking the time to communicate or something is wrong. I actually feel completely alone in the world. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys

  2. #2
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    Sounds like a lot of drama on your side. You sound like you push people away with your guilting and bad attitude!
    ,
    You should be satisfied that they got your child gifts. Stop moaning and trying to find something to victimize yourself over, and be more pleasant and appreciative of your family.

    Why aren't you visiting your family members? It isn't their fault you feel alone, you need to make some changes in your life. Where is the father of your kid?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 02-19-2020 at 02:21 AM.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Well, I can somewhat relate. I have a sister and we're not as close as I'd like due to whom she married. He's despicable and she has to defend him because he's her meal ticket. Hence, her marriage is her priority so sometimes I get the cold shoulder. I'm perfectly fine with it because some people are not worth it no matter who they are, Lisa Love. I let others live their lives while I live my life and relax.

    You can't change people. All you can do is keep cool and treat others how they treat you. Just thank your sisters graciously for the gifts and don't expect anymore out of the relationship. It's how I am. I treat people exactly how they treat me; no more, no less. If they go out of their way to be nice to me, I'll knock myself out to be nice to others. If others are cool yet distant, I return the favor and act the same exact way they treat me. I'm rather frosty as well. You ought to try it. What goes around comes around.

    Whenever your sisters give you the cold shoulder, don't expect anything more out of them. In return, you should act cool towards them. You can still remain polite, respectful yet keep a safe, cool distance. No sense getting yourself hurt. Don't take stock into people anymore siblings, family or no family. If you don't expect anything from others, you won't get hurt anymore. You only get hurt when your expectations are high. Keep your mood even keel.

    Think of your son and remove yourself out of the equation. Do it for him, for the sake of his spending time with his cousins and grandparents. The secret to survival is to hang tough and only think of your purpose which is your son's benefit from the trip. You'll minimize your hurts when you remember it's no longer about you anymore. As much as you'd like to have the Norman Rockwell family life, it's unrealistic for many, unfortunately. Deal with your circumstances by remaining stoic. This is what I do and I'm not so sensitive anymore. I've grown numb to it, actually which is actually a good thing. Remember, lower your expectations of others and you'll become a much more serene person. Nothing will surprise you anymore.

    I was a SAHM (stay at home mom) when my sons were babies. I too felt isolated at times. Try socializing more with other mothers whom you can relate to. I'm sure there are mothers who meet for play dates at local parks, there are organizations, clubs and activities for SAHMs. I loved it back in the day. Since your son is only a toddler, you'll have the time of your life when your son is about 3 to 4 years old! I had tons of fun when my sons were that age. They're like little people and there's so much to do. I actually miss those years immensely. Just because you have a toddler, don't live your life like a hermit. Get out more and work around your son's nap schedule, for example. Socializing is good for your soul. Don't over do it, of course. I only socialized with other mothers once a week and the rest of the time I spent time with my boys and we kept busy.

    Don't worry about being excluded in group texts. Texting, emails, messages, voicemails, social media, etc. are way overrated anyway. All of that relentless correspondence and communication become nothing but huge time traps. You'll have more time and energy on your hands when you're left out of the loop. Ignorance is bliss! Change the way you think and you'll be at peace just like I am. Turn every gripe, whine and negative insult and reaction to your advantage. This is what I do and I've never been happier. Let others wear themselves out. Use their power and energy towards each other while you relax.

    People do what they do. Go your own way and create your own happiness with your son and family life. This is what I do and have since become tough and strong. Develop thicker skin and tell yourself you couldn't care less. Never preoccupy yourself with others. They're not investing the same wasted energy and time into you so return the favor.

    I have two sons and I make sure they spend time with their cousins and grandparents several times a year such as special occasions and holidays. In some ways, I dread it because it's too much work for me such as doing a ton of cooking, kitchen clean up and I come home exhausted. However, I do it because it's only a few times a year and the rest of the year, I get to relax and not bother with relatives and in-laws which is pure bliss. Think of of those times as only temporary and once it's over, you'll get to revert back to your normal daily life again. This is how I look at it. Change the way you think and you'll become secure and independent just like me.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this but my advice about your situation remains the same: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Lisa Love
    Iím a stay at home mom I donít socialize that much and I felt even more alone. I actually feel completely alone in the world. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My family doesn't roll out the red carpet for me, either. I can either be bothered by that or roll with it. I choose to roll with it and make our visits about them-not-me.

    Staying at home can isolate you. Isolation can make every interaction with others into a self conscious effort and more difficult than it needs to be. Consider finding ways to socialize more. This will normalize you socially and will help you appreciate your own family when you hear the bizarre tales of others.

    I like to remind myself: Not Everything Is About ME.

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    I was a SAHM for 7.5 years. I didn't stay in one place and didn't stay at home -as much as possible. We were out and about exploring (ages birth-7.5 years old). I didn't feel isolated and had NO family where we were and new city/solo parenting a lot as husband traveled a lot. For the first 5 years we did spend 8 weeks out of the year in our hometown with family. I wasn't isolated because we didn't stay at home other than for naps. And when we visited family which we did fairly often I didn't focus on whether they took care of me or showed care -they of course were over the moon about our son -as were we most of the time - and yes sometimes I felt mistreated/forgotten - and you know moms sometimes are seen as resilient/don't need anything -all about the child. That's life. I think a lot of this is on you. You've chosen not to reach out and do stuff and meet people -not sure why -and you want your family to make up for that when you visit. Not their job, sorry!
    I just got back from visiting my mother and other family for 4 days.

    My mother did our laundry, watched my son for about 45 minutes a day so I could work out (she would have done more but she is 85 and I don't want to burden her -even though he's 10 now!) -she played War with him (card game), loved on him, went out to dinner with us and family and family friends. I felt really yucky at one of the dinners- one of the family friends undermined me in front of our son and I was so so exhausted from taking my son here there and everywhere for 10-12 hours straight. But I sucked it up. I did what i could. One night I had a few bites of scrambled egg and a few bites of toast for dinner, another night half a baked potato in a freezing diner. I hated that part. But I focused on the positive and the memories and again -heavenly to come home from a trip with 1/3rd the amount of laundry!!! You have to focus on that stuff and choose your battles, ok?

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    The only thing Iím worried about is my child. I feel so bad for him because he is the only child and needs contact with his family.
    Then why not suck it up, Buttercup and make the best of the situation instead of looking so deeply into why they don't fawn over you?

    It's your choice to play the victim or, to let that negativity go and just appreciate that, unlike your son, You DO have family that keep in contact with you (as you've stated your sister is in constant contact with you when you are away). You also chose to not go out with your sisters and have fun but seemed to rather want to dwell in your negative, poor me attitude. Are you depressed? I ask because you are coming across as not being happy in general and have chosen to blame your sisters for your (apparent) blue state of mind.

    I will say that many times when a new little one comes into the family, the focus will undoubtedly all go to him/her and it is not in your own best interests to take that as a diss on you.

    Why did you move away from your family?
    Where is your son's father?

    Adding: After reading the link that Wiseman Provided I can see a pattern with you in that you seem to need to be fawned over rather than you contributing to the very dynamic you would like to see from your sisters. You are (apparently) very introverted and you have expectations of people needing to go overboard to make you feel comfortable and 'adored.' I would recommend that you see someone to help you learn how to give more instead of expecting others to be the giver all of the time.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When Iím far away she calls me constantly and when I showed up in person she gave me a cold shoulder. I called her out on it and was like arenít u gonna ask me how I am since Iíve moved. Sheís like I know u came here just for your son. Hurtful feelings often come out in anger. Reading this, it sounds like she's making the effort of calling you, but what effort do you make in retaining a connection to her? I don't understand why she doesn't already know how you've been since you moved, since you said she called you constantly. Her comment that you only showed up for the benefit of your son shows that she thinks you could care less about enjoying her company.

    Maybe think about your own behavior and if there is a lack of efforts. If you value your relationship with your sisters, maybe they are expecting you to show this. If their expectations are reasonable, step up, and maybe things will improve. Have you invited them to visit you? Have you asked about their lives? Have you sent them photos of you and your son?

    Thinking that your other sister is rubbing something in your face is your own negative perception, not fact. You can choose the spin you put on things. How about being happy that she decided to take precious time away from her vacation to connect with you, and be happy for her good fortune.

    As far as living in your new location and feeling isolated, Meetup.com should list Mommy and Me groups you can attend. I joined one when I had my first child. Good luck.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    They got gifts for your child but you're complaining because they didn't get YOU anything???

    What did you get for them?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP it would seem you walked into the situation with a resentment, which grew because you weren't being treated the way you thought you should be.

    Your point of view is coming across as self-centered... as you describe the situation I don't really see how you were ambushed, but rather how your sisters might be tired of trying to placate you and have no interest in walking on egg shells around you.

    Has this always been the type of relationship you have with your sisters? What kind of relationship do you want to have with them? What do you have control over and what do you need to let go of?

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