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Thread: The odd one out - Ambushed by Sisters

  1. #11
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    Honestly, you claim they gave you the cold shoulder and then when they invited you out with them, you refused to go in retaliation for the perceived slight to get back at them. You like to keep this pot stirred. If you didn't, you would have gone because they are including you. Maybe they don't include you because you always turn them down. People will quit asking after awhile.

  2. #12
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    btw, at the holidays, its all about the kids. If its not the holidays and kids visit - they get something, the parents don't because they are grownups. And the "my child is lonely because no one visits" is something someone's passive aggressive 70 year old aunt says. Knock it of. stop guilting them. They call you when you are not around. Stop being so ly. Do you want a ticker tape parade?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member milly007's Avatar
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    OP, after reading your previous threads, I get the feeling that this is much more than your one sister not asking how you're doing, or the sister that contacted you while on vacation to "rub it in".

    I just don't think you'd feel this way, or even care, if you were happier with your own circumstances.

    Can I ask (and I'm asking these questions because you mentioned your frustration with these specific topics in your previous threads)...how is your marriage? How is your job search going? Are you making any efforts to expand your social circle?

    I just think you'd want to make more of an effort with your siblings if you were happier where you are personally. Since you aren't satisfied with your current situation, it probably feels like a task having to extend your efforts elsewhere when you're just trying to keep your head above water on your own, and this unhappiness is just spilling into other aspects of your life - including the relationships that you have with your family/siblings.

    I can honestly feel the frustration and resentment when I read your posts.

    What are you doing to be happier? It's so easy to become complacent and just accept the way things are without making an effort to change, but if you don't at least try, you'll continue to be unhappy.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your home life husband and in-laws seem unbearable and seeing happy siblings magnified how horrible things are with this husband and in his location away from family.. Are you envious of their normal happy lives?
    Originally Posted by Lisa Love
    I felt he does not Respect me and neither does his family. FYI his parents have still not seen the baby. he got angry and said you want to know the TRUTH here it is. I think about another girl back In the Middle East everyday and I wish I could be with her.
    I'm at home with the baby while he works and I don't know where to go or who to turn to. My family is in New York I'm in Ohio.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Then why not suck it up, Buttercup and make the best of the situation...?
    This made me giggle because it's what I used to say to myself on my way out the door to see family.

    I changed my need for this when I went through a bad time and I legitimately didn't want anyone to worry about me. I changed my lens from making my visits about how well (or not) anyone treated me, and instead I started focusing on how well I can treat THEM.

    This shifted our whole dynamic over time. I wasn't some unfortunate victim seeking their support, but rather, I stepped up to be helpful and caring toward each of them regardless of how they responded to me. I didn't have the energy to be 'on' and make a show of myself, I just wanted to be invisible when I wasn't being useful, and I began to enjoy some quiet gratitude for having these people in my life.

    Dropping my focus on what I'm getting, and switching it instead to what I'm giving changed everything about my relationships with family and friends going forward. I started to feel valuable because I was making others feel valued, and had I not made this switch, I never would have learned the difference that this can make.

    It's never about keeping score, it's only about being as kind and as thoughtful as YOU can be at any given time, regardless of outcomes. If a sibling doesn't respond well, then consider how the years of conditioning by your old behaviors has carved a groove that you'll need to patiently overcome. The only way to mend fences is to put down the weapons that you carry with your own mind, and start demonstrating the kind of behavior you'll want to model for your own kids regardless of how anyone else behaves.

    Head high, you can do this.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Develop thicker skin and think of yourself made out of steel, Lisa Love. I was once you, very sensitive, sustained hurt feelings and felt offended easily. I've since grown numb to it all as should you. Don't be so shocked nor SURPRISED by people's odd and strange behaviors anymore because it is considered the norm!

    Even though this is hard to do, don't take people's harsh behaviors personally. I've discovered that whenever people are rough and mean, usually they're unhappy, miserable with their circumstances, their lot in life or the cards they were dealt with. They can't cope and they're overwhelmed. They walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders.

    Whenever people's lives are overall smooth and content, they have the brain space to be kind and considerate to others. Those are good scenarios. Then you have a lot of people in your midst who are currently experiencing all sorts of heavy trials and tribulations and if you're in their midst and make yourself vulnerable, they'll lash out their frustrations onto you by saying something snide, offensive, disrespectful, rude and unkind. This is human nature and universal. This is how society is so grow accustomed to it!

    Also, if they sense that your life is smooth and content, they'll play the "misery loves company" game on you. They'll say something snide in order to make them feel just as miserable as they are. This trick is as old as time. It's nothing I hadn't experienced countless times during my lifetime.

    All you can do is enforce healthy boundaries with others. You can't change people. Don't allow yourself to be their verbal punching bag nor must you tolerate them. You simply draw borders for yourself. You are the one who has to take the higher road, be the bigger person, remain gracious, kind and respectful and as a mother, demonstrate to your son what classy behavior is. As a mother, you have to set a fine example to your son because he, too will encounter all sorts of despicable characters during his lifetime. However, it doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to be overzealous and chummy with people whom you don't admire nor wish to get close with due to their disrespectfully rude behaviors. You need to treat some people including family as acquaintances and no more. Once you change your mindset, you'll feel emotionally detached which is a good thing. Remain civil and not anymore than that. After that, go home knowing you conducted yourself with poise and aplomb.

    I'll give you an example: I've been very kind to my neighbor. I gave her a handmade crocheted large baby blanket for her newborn great-granddaughter last year. Instead of thanking me, she asked if I paid MY mother to knit the blanket for her great-granddaughter. Last Christmas, I gave her and her husband homemade hearty stew-soup for dinner instead of cookies. Instead of thanking me, she told me the next day: "I made your soup taste better." I received a flurry of snide comments one after the other in succession. I asked my mother for an explanation for my neighbor's obnoxiously rude behavior. After giving my mother some details, my mother said it was that old "misery loves company" mindset as usual. My neighbor's husband recently had eye surgery and lost one of his eyes so my neighbor has to shoulder all responsibilities for him. She's also stressed because her son and DIL (daughter-in-law) now must financially support 3 children plus their unmarried 19 year old daughter, her boyfriend and their newborn all under one roof in a small house. It's not a happy situation. Hence, my neighbor's venom was spewed in my direction. Therefore, nowadays, I'm deliberately maintaining a safe distance from this neighbor in particular. I'll say a quick "hello" and then I immediately close my garage door. I no longer linger and chit-chat with her in my front yard anymore. Those days are gone. No more generous meals. I'll revert to just sending my husband off to give my neighbor perfunctory traditional cookies at Christmas. No more gifts. No more 'Miss Nice.' I withdrew. I'll remain civil yet FROSTY.

    Do you see? You can't change others. Change your tack. Navigate yourself more wisely. Make yourself unavailable. If you must cross paths with people whom you don't respect, limit your time with them, limit all contact including electronically, always remain civil and feel "blah" towards them. Don't get close to people whom you don't like.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Respect is a two way street. Whenever respect isn't mutual, never waste investing your time, energy, labor and resources for people who don't treat you with consideration, grace and honor.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Do you see? You can't change others. Change your tack. Navigate yourself more wisely. Make yourself unavailable. If you must cross paths with people whom you don't respect, limit your time with them, limit all contact including electronically, always remain civil and feel "blah" towards them. Don't get close to people whom you don't like.
    Respectfully disagree in this situation. Op is concern that her son is an only child and that he needs to spend time with family. If she makes herself "unavailable" then she will be isolating her son as well from family and that is the one thing she says she feels badly for her son about.

    The only thing Iím worried about is my child. I feel so bad for him because he is the only child and needs contact with his family.
    Op: As well as getting professional help to guide you into a personality change in yourself so you are more giving and less expecting, you would do well to join some mother/toddler groups and make your own new friends with the other mothers while your son interacts with kids his own age.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Respectfully disagree in this situation. Op is concern that her son is an only child and that he needs to spend time with family. If she makes herself "unavailable" then she will be isolating her son as well from family and that is the one thing she says she feels badly for her son about.



    Op: As well as getting professional help to guide you into a personality change in yourself so you are more giving and less expecting, you would do well to join some mother/toddler groups and make your own new friends with the other mothers while your son interacts with kids his own age.
    What I meant was to make herself "emotionally unavailable" even if she is physically with her relatives. Her son can still have time with his cousins and relatives during the holidays or whenever he travels with his mother to see them.

    OP's story has parallels to mine. For the sake of "faaaaaaaamily," I too have to endure some despicable characters (relatives and in-laws) in my midst especially during the holiday season. I do more than my bit with a ton of contributory cooking labor and kitchen clean up at my sister's house for the sake of my sons to enjoy camaraderie at Thanksgiving, Christmas and some special occasions such as a rare grad party, big anniversary party, major big birthdays and the like for example. Same with at my in-laws' house as well. I bring a lot of home cooked food from my kitchen to her house. My sister and in-laws are local but we have relatives and other in-laws who travel far and wide to our homes a few times a year.

    I'm no longer "emotionally invested" meaning in my mind, I deliberately no longer feel close nor chummy to some relatives and in-laws who've proven to be consistently and habitually unkind. Sorry, no more free passes for some people who don't know how to behave like decent human beings. Sure, I'm kind, respectful, civil and peaceful but it doesn't mean I feel close nor have my former warm, fuzzy feelings towards them. There is a way to alter the OPs behavior so she'll no longer feel hurt anymore. Have zero expectations of others, expect the worst in others (in many situations, that is), don't be so shocked nor SURPRISED by anyone's behaviors nowadays and she will become numb to it which is a good thing. Feeling "blah" about certain people is good.

    Then you leave, son is happy, OP is satisfied that she maintained self-control, exercised discretion, there is no fighting, no arguing and travels back home. Enforcing new, healthy, strong boundaries and borders is also a mindset. You can't change people. All you can do is steer your own ship for your own mental survival.

    I was a SAHM myself. There are moms clubs, organizations and groups within your geography. We brought picnic lunches to local parks, met there for a few hours every week and as kids grew up, we went on outings together such as a children's museum, pizzeria to make pizzas together and had loads of fun. Your local library has story time and puppet shows, too. If in the stroller set, take walks together. During the holidays we had a cookie exchange and the hostess provided yummy hot apple cider. Those were the good old days and very fleeting.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Regarding enforcing healthy boundaries and borders with some people who are not nice, if there's electronic communication, it is very brief, polite and infrequent at best. It's not sugary, syrupy sweet anymore. It's called remaining cautious and very careful forever now that you know that certain people aren't completely trustworthy in the consistently kind department. It's perfectly natural for a person to become permanently wary and jaded after being tested sorely. It's universal human nature.

    If anyone is incredulous, I'll ask them (in my mind), "What did you expect?" What goes around comes around.

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