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Thread: How hard should I try?

  1. #1

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    How hard should I try?

    I'm 39, male, married with two young kids and I'm stuck, lost, searching and cluelesss.

    I've been married twice, my first marriage was 18 years ago, she was incredible, hot, seductive, she had me, I was captivated by her. We were engaged after a few short months and married a few months after that. After another year down the road I found she was having an affair with our boss (we worked together). This completely destroyed me, I moved in with my mum for a few weeks and then picked myself up and got on with life.

    A few months later and several disaster first dates I met an amazing, beautiful woman, we connected on every level and became lovers and best friends. Two years down the road we were engaged and four years after that we were married. Then came kids, mortgage, careers etc etc.

    Fast forward to now. I've now been with my wife for 16 years and married for 10.

    The problem is I feel like there is zero passion in my marriage anymore, for the past 5-6 years I've had more heart to heart conversions with my wife about this than I care to count. Our sex is down to about 3-4 times a year and every time it's me starting it. She doesn't show any affection to me at all. For the past two years I've role played in my head about asking for a divorce but I can't bare the thought of not seeing my kids every day, plus my parents split when I was a kid and it completely ruined me and my siblings mentally. We still are great friends and confide in one another but there's no romance at all. AND now just to complicate things further I can't stop thinking about my first wife! I saw a picture of her for the first time in over 15 years last week and it brought me to tears, all those memories came flooding back, my god I miss her.

    I really don't want a life without passion or a relationship without romance so what should I do? I'd welcome any advice at this point.

  2. #2
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    Before divorcing your wife, please talk to he candidly about why she does not want intimacy. Have an honest conversation.

    if she refuses to or it turns angry, just stop.

    Do not act needy or whiney.

    If there is no path to a better way, then pursue a divorce.

    Just don't cheat, and don't go feet first to the first next lady who gives you a jump.

    As for the first wife? Stop fantasizing bout her. That pony left the corral.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I dont understand why you are pining for a woman that cheated on you?
    A leopard doesnt change its spots! She showed you she has no morals and no respect for you!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When you are not happy in the present, you start trying to find your happiness in the past, because you can't imagine a happy future. If you happened to be around another attractive lady that you had a friendly connection with, like a co-worker, you might have found yourself drawn into an emotional affair, because that sometimes happens to a spouse in an unhappy marriage. Instead, you're looking to a brief time of joy in your past to self-soothe. Fantasizing is not the tool that will bring you to where you need to be.

    You and your wife have clearly lost your emotional connection. The best way to change another's behavior is to change your own. Whatever you've been doing, it's not working, so switch things up. If you only give her affection when you're feeling horny, give affection at times you normally don't, without an expectation of sex. Instead of concentrating on what's lacking, for now, concentrate on what's right. Write her a note on what you appreciate about her. If you don't text during the day when you're both at work, surprise her with a sweet text, telling her you miss her.

    Sometimes it wakes a woman up to seeing her husband in a new light if he starts a new hobby. Maybe she will miss him when he takes part in it once or twice a week. Maybe he will have interesting stories to tell about the new hobby. Maybe she will begin to see him happy and worry about losing him if he is finding more passion in a hobby than what she is giving him.

    If you don't have date nights, even if you can only fit in one per month, make it a fun one and do things you don't normally do. A paint and sip class. Bowling. Amusement park. Hiking, Kayaking. Bicycling. Having a picnic by a lake or on the living room floor. Take a dancing class together, for a hobby you can share. Go to a couples store and buy new stuff for intimacy. Sharing foot and back rubs is great for a physical connection too.

    If she doesn't respond to any of these efforts and doesn't make some effort herself, tell her you don't want to live the rest of your life like this, and that you'd like her to attend marital counseling with you because you want to continue being her husband.

    Good luck and keep us updated.

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  6. #5
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    Have you tried counseling? Has she been to her doctor regarding her sexual drive? What does she say is the problem?

  7. #6

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    This is great advice, you've summed it up perfectly Adrina.

    To responds to this and a few other helpful comments, I have no idea why I'm thinking about my ex wife, she hurt me so much at the time, she's only been in my head for two weeks and before this I've not even given her a second thought. But I think Andrina is correct, I'm searching.

    I would NEVER cheat and I don't believe my wife would either. I'm not judging others actions at all but it's not something we would do.

    I will try and improve myself and arrange a date night (something we haven't done in years) and see what that does.

    Thank you

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Is there someone else? Staying for the kids is usually the first mental rehearsal after "passionless" before convincing yourself that having an affair is justified. It sounds like you let the romance die and got too caught up in the mundane. When was the last time you two went on vacation alone? Do you have date nights? Are you in shape, groomed and helpful around the home? When was the last time you put down the remote got up and told her something nice or did something spontaneous?

    You can see your children as much as you want in a divorce. If you don't want that, get to a therapist alone first and start reviewing why this is dying and you are fantasizing about your youth and the one that got away. Then invite your wife for marriage therapy to start a dialogue and clear the air. The sexual part is a symptom of much bigger issues. It's not about begging her for more sex.
    Originally Posted by Foilhat
    I'm 39, male, married with two young kids and I'm stuck. Our sex is down to about 3-4 times a year and every time it's me starting it. She doesn't show any affection to me at all. For the past two years I've role played in my head about asking for a divorce. We still are great friends and confide in one another but there's no romance at all.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Foilhat
    This is great advice, you've summed it up perfectly Adrina.

    To responds to this and a few other helpful comments, I have no idea why I'm thinking about my ex wife, she hurt me so much at the time, she's only been in my head for two weeks and before this I've not even given her a second thought. But I think Andrina is correct, I'm searching.

    I would NEVER cheat and I don't believe my wife would either. I'm not judging others actions at all but it's not something we would do.

    I will try and improve myself and arrange a date night (something we haven't done in years) and see what that does.

    Thank you
    Rather than see what happens after one date night....I can pretty much guarantee you nothing much, so don't go with high expectations, think more along the lines that this is going to be a marathon rather than in instant cure. As in you have to start dating your wife again from scratch. There is a lot of water under the bridge and I think you two do need to have some serious conversations about what's happened in your marriage.

    Don't approach it with "I'm not happy...whine whine whine" because that will get you nowhere. Rather start asking some questions like why does she think you don't have sex and then listen. Don't interrupt, don't get defensive, really listen.

    Consider also marital counseling before you throw in the towel. Divorce when you have children shouldn't be taken lightly.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Andrina has some very good advice. I'll just add that its time to put on your Husband and Wife hats and take off your Mommy and Daddy hats a lot more often.
    You both still love and respect one another so this can be fixed when you put the focus back on one another at regular intervals. You can never stop courting one another if you want the sexual attraction to remain healthy.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You miss the passion not the person, which I'm guessing you are middle aged and the old mid life crisis is raising it ugly head as well. Perfectly normal for couples to be so focused on life, responsibilities, kids, we stop being a couple. Men wish we stay the same, and women wish you change. Spice it up. Get your mindset into being like you are dating. Get fit, get a new hair style, change your wardrobe, like do some overhauling on yourself. Then offer good dates, like going out dancing, an evening cruise, roof top dining. Be more spontaneous, ditch the kids and go to a festival, or whatever is going on in town. Go out of town to a hot springs to relax. Buy her flowers just because, give her a foot massage...let her know she is appreciated.

    But also go find things to do on your own. Having a life/hobbies outside the marriage keeps things fresh.

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