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Thread: How hard should I try?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    When you speak with wife about this, what does she say?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    So one of the challenges with intimacy with young kids is it's hard to be spontaneous especially if you don't have a sitter/family to watch your children. Then depending on preferences - you probably aren't intimate if one of you is unwell, if one of the kids is and might need you in the middle of the night, or perhaps if your wife is on her period (again a preference). What concerns me is you have to initiate - was it always this way? My husband and I "plan" intimacy because we are parents but we definitely take turns initiating -not keeping score just it's roughly equal and often we'll both bring it up when we realize we might have the time. Also we are affectionate every day. I would talk about it with her calmly and positively either one on one or in a counselor's office.

  3. #13

    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Thought I would jump in here because my current situation seems to be very similar to yours - minus the reminiscing about the old lover part. To add to the great advice you've already received from others, the lack of sex/intimacy issue may be caused by a hormonal imbalance. In my wife's case, she goes through phases (some very long) where her hormones are just out of whack during which she has absolutely zero sex drive or desire to be intimate. Does knowing this make me feel any better? Not much, as it still doesn't address my immediate issue but at least it presents a logical reason for the problem. Not saying that this is necessarily your wife's case, but sometimes these things can be caused by medical issues which, often times, can be easier resolved than one thinks. Pay attention to this, especially if the two of you are in your 30s-40s or older.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Let me ask you - are you two not being romantic or the two of you lack intimacy with eachother? Initmacy is telling each other secrets, and able to be in the moment together. And that is very hard to develop. Romance is just flowers and wine, but given you mentioned kids, and haven't gone on dates in years - I'm thinking, is she working or home with kids, and on a wash, rinse, repeat cycle?

    If you want romance, be romantic! To men, sex is glue. And to women, sex is glue too, but it's very very hard to compartmentalize when she's up to her neck with things she has to do for the kids, for the house, for work or the household. Sometimes she wants you to take the wheel in planning dates, arrangement a sitter, making reservations, buying tickets to a show or movie or museum. And really, you lose connection when you aren't making time together, which leads to barely any sex.

    I'm not sure how much you pitch in with the kids and house, but even if you are the breadwinner, it can be overwhelming. Help out without her having to ask. And if you are around parents, siblings, in-laws, tell them we need some time together, and to please watch the kids for a few, while you go out to dinner, or the gym, or a class, or anything.


  6. #15
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Majority women are like this, if a man who is confident, is a boss, has money then she will be attracted to him easily regardless how much she says she loves you. It's just how it works, love is only short term and so is passion and romance. The main objective here now is to raise those children with love and take care of yourself.

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