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Thread: I am I being clingy ?

  1. #1
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    I am I being clingy ?

    . I started dating a man in August , the first 2 dates were amazing , very romantic , third date we went to watch the sun set and then he took me to his house . There I was very transparent with him and shared every thing about my past relationships ( have been in 2 abusive marraiges ) also my last relationship was not a relationship that I was manipulated by a coworker ( saying he wanted a relationship which after that just became more kind of using for sex and he basically said we were just FWB ? I left that job and stared BTO and some inner work .

    Also I told him that I always had to look for my moms approval as a child , have never known what unconditional love is as my mom never even hugged me . I have done lot of work on self love and still in the process , also told him that I am not looking for fun , and for me being intimate with some one is sacred . Since then he has pulled back and although I know he is physically attracted to me , he would not even make an attempt to kiss me . Itís been already 2 months . All he would say is I canít get intimate unless I am sure we are headed towards a relationship .

    We have been meeting once a week , hand around talk a lot and then last week , I broke through and touched him affectionately and we both had some deep intimate conversation about sex and intimacy . He seemed very attractied and I had a sense that he liked me a lot .

    What bothers me is after we meet he never initiates the contact , he is not a text or face time person . Just believes in meeting in person . I have been intiating texts and he ď always ď replies after few hrs . After our intimate talk last week , I asked him if he wanted to meet tomorrow ( Friday ) 10/09 as that is the day that will work for me best , his answer was no I canít do tomorrow but I can today , I said I canít today as my daughter is with me , I replied we can work out some day next week and he was fine with it .

    So my question is is this guy really interested ? If yes why does not he intimate text after we have such good time ? After hanging with him so long some times we talk for hrs , I have started to like him a lot , when I expressed that and that I am also developing more attraction to him , he pulls back . I know we are not exclusive at this point .

    Why does he pull back after showing so much interest initially , and when I expressed I like him and getting physically attracted , then he pulls back even more . I am sure he is dating other women as we are not exclusive , I am trying to see other people as well , but like him a lot and miss him . What do I do ? I have already expressed to him my feelings , I donít think he is not going to initiate until he is sure of a relationship , so I have decided to give a gap and letís see what happens . Do I move on ? At this point we have decided to hang out next week when it works out for both of us . I am also anxiety attachment style and have abandonment issue from childhood .

    Any advice is appreciated. Thank you for your continued support . Itís very helpful . 💕

  2. #2
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    Way too much oversharing. Why would you feel that it was okay to share all of this personal history with someone that you had been on three dates with? If someone told me all of this so early in, I would run for the hills. Big red flag. Even if a platonic friend shared all of this after not knowing them for a long period of time, I would think it was off.

    What would you gain from it?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-10-2020 at 02:34 AM.

  3. #3
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    Actually I shared about my mom stuff on 7 th or 8 th date . I only shared the intimacy being sacred on the 3 th date . Oh well itís a learning lesson .

  4. #4
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    Please keep that to yourself. Too much, too soon.

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    I agree with Holly to be honest. Of course you shouldn't just talk about generic "safe topics" when you first start dating someone, but I think it's unnecessary ti start talking about all your ex's and problems, especially straight away. If you need to discuss your abandonement issues with and other issues, you can discuss them with a therapist. I think you were talking too much about your issues, too fast. Most people don't want to hear about ex's, so it's best to keep that to a bare minimum. So just saying "I was married twice" is enough. You don't need to talk about how abusive the marriages were. Also saying you're "too scared to get intimate" is basically a red flag. Which might explain why this guy hasn't been intimate with you in two months. Have you kissed at least or nothing?

    I think if this guy never contacts you first and doesn't even kiss, I'd say he's not that interested. He's probably just "going with the flow" because you keep inviting him out.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What is "BTO"? Before you date and before you go to anyone's house, make sure you are secure in yourself.

    This level of extreme self-absorbtion doesn't really offer much to anyone you may want to date.

    Dating is not a therapeutic theater. Sending these extraordinary mixed signals would push anyone away. First you tell him how damaged you are and how you don't want intimacy, then you want more.

    Decide what you want. Dating? An exclusive relationship? Or a therapist?
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 10-10-2020 at 06:18 AM.

  8. #7
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    From your previous posts you didnít describe your second marriage as abusive. In fact you left your second marriage for a coworker correct?
    Not being happy in a relationship does not equate to it being an abusive one?
    And usually an abusive husband wonít just let you leave for another man.

    So, to start with , Iím confused!?

    Please clarify? Iím only going by what you have previously written.

    With that said, your current situation is that you went on a few dates with a guy and proceeded to tell him ďeverything ď about your previous relationships, telling him they were abusive etc.
    what was your rationale for that? To gain sympathy? Perhaps thatís what you got? And why he continues to meet you once a week because he now feels sorry for you.

    And now you want us to try decipher it for you?

    And then you proceed to tell him about your childhood issues. You are no longer that child.
    As an adult what have you done to process that?

    You have told him you have never known what unconditional love is.
    That is actually something none of us every really know until we give it.
    You have children. Do you love them unconditionally?

    I never knew unconditional love until I got my first puppy.
    Itís all about giving not receiving.

    Basically you have told this guy that you are unable to live in the present and stuck in the past.
    You have unresolved issues and have an expectation for him to change that.
    He needs to not be abusive (according to what you consider abusive) and love you unconditionally. Yet he doesnít even know you!?

    So to finally get around to answering your question, yes you are clingy.
    And for the wrong reasons. You are not even that interested in him but what he can give you.
    Is he interested? Initially yes until you started to reveal all the reasons why he shouldnít be.
    He deserves to be with someone interested in him as a person , someone who wants to know more about him (not his past relationships) spend time with him and not utilise his time to offload their past on him.

    Until you deal with your issues and donít feel the urge to offload to another , you are not ready to date, you will not have a successful relationship and you shouldnít try.

    Take time out. Work on being comfortably single for a couple of years , seek therapy if needs be.
    Let this guy go.

    Good luck!

  9. #8
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    It is a learning lesson. Iíve been there before so I get it. I think you need to learn to set emotionally healthy boundaries for what you share right away. If you share with guys you just meet and date not for long your whole life story, you will either scare them off or give them reason to take advantage. Unfortunately thereís people out there that use others weak spots as momentum. You need to better guard yourself and not be so vulnerable right away.

    I think if this guy is turned off by this the damage may already be done. Just remember this next time. Before there is a next time though work out these issues and put them to bed.

  10. #9
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    I agree with HollyJ and Tinydance - definitely a live and learn situation and also applies in platonic friendships too that are developing!

  11. #10
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    I agree with the others way too much oversharing & too early. Why do you think you need to share so much? In general, people tend to be overwhelmed by too much info too soon and they probably think, wow this person is a lot.

    Maybe you need to start seeing things for what they are and not what you want them to be. How do you figure a guy could be interested but yet never initiate contact and take a long time to respond? They are showing you through there actions they are not that interested.

    Sorry. I'm sure this sounds harsh but it sounds like you need some realness. When people don't treat you good, get away from them. Stop making it is easy for them to treat you any old way. Focus on yourself. Find peace in being alone at times. It will help you distance yourself from bad behavior. Because you're ok with yourself, you won't need anyone else, especially a person that does not value you.

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