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Thread: Insecurities in Dating

  1. #1
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    Insecurities in Dating

    Hi all,

    I've been doing online dating recently, for about the past 2 months and while there has been some fun times I've also had some pretty awful times. I know 2 months isn't a long time but I guess I was originally hoping things would go better than they have and it is getting to me a little bit.

    So I haven't managed to find someone who's right for me yet. It's really strange because I seem to either find guys who really really like me and I don't feel anything for them or I find guys who I end up liking and they kind of end up disappearing. I guess I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me and why this keeps happening or if I like start acting weird when I like someone or something but am unaware of it but anyway..

    Just to give some context I do have an anxious attachment style. I don't know if any of you have read the book Attached but it's a really good book and shed so much light on why I act the way I do and feel the way I do in relationships and why I find it so hard to just be calm and control my emotions when I'm feeling insecure. I wouldn't say that I am a particularly needy or clingy anxious person as I have spent a lot of my life single and have enjoyed being single, but when I do like someone a lot I do tend to overthink and worry about if they like me and if I'm doing anything wrong. i can push people away when I'm feeling anxious as I'm scared that they will reject me or leave and don't I do well with mixed signals and guys putting in half-a**ed effort. I honestly feel so much better when I get reassurance from a guy but it's not something that I want to need to feel secure in a relationship if that makes sense lol.

    Anyway so when I fisrt started this whole dating thing 2 months ago I was feeling so confident. I had some really great dates even though nothing really came out of them, but I kind of took a hit when I went on a date with this guy who I thought was really into me. He drove just 4 hours to see me and he pretty much the whole time (which was 2 full days) was saying how much he liked me, how he didn't want to leave, he pretty much paid for everything he even wanted to buy me clothes which I said no to because we just met! He kissed me at one point and said he had been wanting to do that the whole time and he was just so nice and comforting. We did end up sleeping together before he left btw. Anyway so after he left and went back home his messages started getting slower, he was still being extremely nice, but yeah I'd wait a few hours or a day for a response unlike before when he pretty much would reply straight away. Then he just cut me off completely and I saw he was still online on the app we met on so I was like okay awesome! I think the thing that sucked the most was that I didn't really think much of him when he first came to visit, but after how he was treating me on this date and how reassuring he was I started to really like him and it just felt so bad to have him do all that then ghost me. I still have no clue what went wrong.

    Anyway so this kind of thing has happened to me a few more times since then. Always with guys who I actually start to feel something for. It is kind of messing with my head a bit and I'm starting to feel really insecure. I went on a date with one guy 2 weeks ago who I think was pretty nice and we could have got along really well. But I was feeling so anxious and couldn't stop thinking that I was going to mess up the date and so I did mess up the date! I was being really awkward the whole time and I couldn't seem to shake it off. I'm going on another date this weekend and I'm starting to get that same feeling of I'm going to screw it up or get hurt and whatever.

    I really don't want to give up on dating because I do want to find someone at this point in my life, but it is a lot more emotionally draining than I thought it would be. Has anyone ever experienced this and how do you get through it? Do you just keep going until you find someone who you just feel good around? Should I take a break? Should I just get over it and realise this is life and that those jerks are not worth my time anyway?

    Any help would be awesome!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    We did end up sleeping together before he left btw. Anyway so after he left and went back home his messages started getting slower
    That's everything that happened in this one sentence.

    He wanted to get you into bed, he succeeded, you no longer were a challenge so he left.

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    Hi thanks for your response!

    Yeah you're probably right it's just crazy to me that a guy would go through all that trouble just to sleep with someone! Like driving 4 hours and paying for so many things -.- like why not just be honest about what you want there are so many girls on the apps that are looking for hookups too. Why bother going after girls who are looking for relationships. So stupid lol

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sounds, all in all, like a pretty normal experience of dating. Some good times, some not so good times. I'm curious, though, what you meant when you said "this kind of thing has happened to me a few more times since then." Do you mean guys fading out, or specifically fading out after coming on super strong and then going cold after you have sex or become physically intimate?

    If you're finding it so emotionally draining that you're going into the spins before and during dates—well, a little break might not hurt. But I also think it helps if you can approach it with an attitude that is focused on both the big picture (wanting to meet someone special) while also being positive about the little picture (meeting people is fun, regardless of what happens). Along the way there will invariably be boring nights and fun ones, stretches of disappointment and stretches of excitement—but, in that, it's kind of just like life.

    The only other thing I kind of noticed is that your focus seems to be on what men think about you. I wonder if you can try to adjust that a bit, so your focus is more on what you think about them. Keeps it all a less intense, I think, and prevents us from suddenly gauging ourselves based on what complete strangers think. They'll think whatever they think, and we can't control that one bit. But we can find stability in our own thoughts and feelings.

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    Hi bluecastle thanks a lot that's really great advice!

    I think you're right like in the beginning I guess I was focusing more on what I want but I've started putting more pressure on myself as time has gone on and yeah I guess thinking too much about what they think and trying to be entertaining and funny and flirty which I guess isn't totally bad but yeah just maybe putting too much pressure on myself to do so.

    And as for the guys who have faded out it's not necessarily been after sex. One guy I was talking with for about a month I met with in the beginning and he seemed interested, we didn't sleep together but kept texting pretty much everyday for like hours after meeting. Our conversations have been pretty funny but also a lot of sex jokes mostly from his end lol. We haven't met up since the first time because he kept saying he's got things on. I even tried to pull away at one point because I wasn't sure he was taking it seriously but he was like no we're getting on so well blah blah blah. Then yeah just the other day he stopped replying and he hasn't been online at all so I'm not sure what happened. Maybe he met someone else or he could sense that I was starting to get attached? But I guess there's no way to know lol I need to stop overthinking it!

    But thanks so much for your advice. Maybe I'll ake a break for a bit and try a dating app that isn't free there may be less dodgey people on those. I've just been worried I'll pay and there won't be anyone on them but hopefully there will lol. And I will try to focus more on having fun and also what I want out of the dating and not so much about what I may be doing wrong. I think I really needed that reminder so thank you!

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    Did this guy stay in your house for those 2 days, OP?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. A lot of this sounds par for the course with online dating. However this 4 hr guys sounds like he's in another relationship. Date locally and reserve intimacy for when you are sure about someone, not just swept off your feet. As far as attachment, same thing. Don't get intimate until you are dating long enough to know who and what you are dealing with.
    Originally Posted by LockerBunny
    He drove just 4 hours to see me and he pretty much the whole time (which was 2 full days) was saying how much he liked me, how he didn't want to leave, he pretty much paid for everything he even wanted to buy me clothes which I said no to because we just met! He kissed me at one point and said he had been wanting to do that the whole time and he was just so nice and comforting. We did end up sleeping together before he left btw.

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    Sounds like standard online dating to me.

    Don't put too much pressure on yourself with it, just think of it as meeting people and having a nice evening with the potential of one of them moving to be more romantic...it's dating so the attraction is there to start, it's just if you have that in person when you meet. If it doesnt dont worry it breaks up routines, gets you out, you get to meet new people and helps you become more confident, plus you learn about yourself too.

    If it gets too much, take a break for a few weeks as it is draining having mostly the same convos all the time.

    Be suspect of any guys who drive 4hrs to meet you, there's more than likely a reason why - either they are involved with someone already less chance of being caught or they see you as an easy lay! I've been online dating for the last 3 months and will just about push an hours drive to meet someone!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Did this guy stay in your house for those 2 days, OP?
    Yeah, this is my question, too.

    I'd skip the long distance stuff, and I'd stick to dating locally enough where you can set up quick meets for coffee after work to check out people before actually dating them. Agree to 20 - 30 minutes, neither can pressure the other for a real date on the spot, and either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

    Getting sexual with strangers isn't against the law, it's just not a great way to cultivate a relationship. I'd hold off on sex until I get to know someone well enough to learn where I stand with him--and where I want to stand. I'd hold out for true simpatico, as opposed to manufactured obligation to someone who spent some money. If a guy isn't interested in 'only' dating until that time, then he screens himself out. That's a good thing, because screening out bad matches is one of the goals of dating.

    Most people are not our match, that's just natural odds. I'd make screening important, and I'd make it less about impressing and more about what I can learn about someone and whether there's any real chemistry there. I'd pay attention to red flags and allow wrong matches to pass early.

    Head high.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Yeah, this is my question, too.

    I'd skip the long distance stuff, and I'd stick to dating locally enough where you can set up quick meets for coffee after work to check out people before actually dating them. Agree to 20 - 30 minutes, neither can pressure the other for a real date on the spot, and either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

    Getting sexual with strangers isn't against the law, it's just not a great way to cultivate a relationship. I'd hold off on sex until I get to know someone well enough to learn where I stand with him--and where I want to stand. I'd hold out for true simpatico, as opposed to manufactured obligation to someone who spent some money. If a guy isn't interested in 'only' dating until that time, then he screens himself out. That's a good thing, because screening out bad matches is one of the goals of dating.

    Most people are not our match, that's just natural odds. I'd make screening important, and I'd make it less about impressing and more about what I can learn about someone and whether there's any real chemistry there. I'd pay attention to red flags and allow wrong matches to pass early.

    Head high.
    Great advice on this as always, I agree. I did personal ads and online sites from 1987 to 2005 with years in between when I was in serious relationships and also engaged twice. Several of my friends met their spouses and long term significant others through online sites and personal ads. Just off the top of my head -there are more! - I know of 17 kids who were born because their parents originally met online or through personal ads in the 80s.Four of those are grandchildren of one of the couples. One of those couples is divorced but after 20 years of marriage -one are domestic partners (man and woman) together now for 14 years. I did not meet my husband that way but was engaged to one person and had shorter term relationships with others.

    I met over 100 men through on line sites. I had casual sex with zero. I screened very well and typically had one-two phone convos and exchanged a few emails, met within a week. The furthest distance was two hour (drive/train) but the ones I dated longer lived closer. I screened out many many men who were focused on sex and/or who lied on their profiles either about age, marital status, smoking or academic degrees. I screened out men who couldn't hold a normal conversation on the phone, who sounded negative/depressed, who didn't ask questions about me, who were flaky about making a plan. I suggested some first meets and always let the guy ask me out on the first real date after we met.

    Good luck! I think it's totally worth it if marriage/long term is your goal. For me I would never ever have taken on the challenge of dating as much as I did, including through online, if I didn't want marriage. Too much work/aggravation.

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