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Thread: Child sacrificing for this mother

  1. #1
    Bronze Member redsox22's Avatar
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    Child sacrificing for this mother

    Hi all,

    I am not sure what I am looking for here except maybe some understanding and a different perspective. My son is a senior in high school. He is has been on the wrestling team for the past 3 years, starting as a sophomore. He is very athletic and when he sets his mind to something he is very determined. He has worked hard over the last 3 years to really make a name for himself and has become one of the better wrestlers on his team and a co-captain this year. He has been training in the off season as well during the season and it really shows this year.

    I am getting married in early March. It just came to our attention a few weeks ago that the state wrestling tournament is scheduled for the weekend of the wedding, which is in another state. He can't attend both events. The way to get to the State tournament is to compete at the county level, then regional level and then state level. He is ranked very highly for his weight class and it extremely probable that he would make it the State tournament.

    Unbeknownst to me, he gave up his spot to another senior wrestler who is also very good but who wouldn't be competing at the county level, and therefore not at the regional or state level. This other wrestler wouldn't be competing because there is someone else on the team who is better and only one wrestler from each weight class gets to compete. This other wrestler would have to cut some weight to move down to my son's weight class but is able to do so and therefore would be qualified to compete in place of my son.

    My son spoke with both his coach and this other wrestler about what he wanted to do and they agreed. He feels that since he can't attend both events, he is choosing to attend the wedding and that he wants this other boy to have the chance to compete, especially since he is a senior and this is his last chance to make it to the State tournament. They have been friends since 6th grade and they are both passionate about wrestling. He is being very generous and selfless.

    I am so very proud of my son for his generosity and maturity. I truly am! I am also devastated that my son is sacrificing something so important to him and something towards which he has worked very hard for the past 3 year. He will not get this opportunity again. I know he is making this choice for me. I would never ask this of him and he knows that too.

    I just can't stop feeling absolutely terrible about him sacrificing this for me. I have always been his biggest supporter and have cheered him on through the highs and lows over the years. As any mother would want, I want the world for him! I don't want him to be limited by me in any way! He has worked so hard and now he will never how how far he could have taken his wrestling career.

    I know he is being mature and generous and becoming the kind of man I have always hoped he would grow into. And yet, I feel so sad that he has been put in the position to make this sacrifice and I am really hurting inside.

    Any words of wisdom??
    Last edited by redsox22; 02-18-2020 at 04:09 PM.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    He has made his choice. A good one. The universe rewards kindness and generosity he will get a chance someone gives him in life another time. A sweet boy. ❤️

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    The best life lessons are often the most challenging.
    One question. Is there a career or a scholarship at stake here? Because if there isn't, then just be comfortable with this decision.
    You've raised a good son. A majority might have done the same, but not without a little bit of guilt trip or second guessiong.
    Your son's decision came from a good place and if he has no regrets, you shouldn't either.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds like you did a great job raising him into this young man.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I'm gonna be honest with you. For one, sectional and regional competitions don't just pop up in a random season and generally are consistent pretty much to the week every year. All it takes is a Google search for your state's high school athletic association schedules for this year, or even last year's as a reference. Ultimately, should he be the one to print it out and stick it on the fridge? Yeah, I'd say so, and that's a lesson learned for his part. But it really doesn't take an abundance of involvement or interest to take some initiative making yourself vaguely aware as well.

    As much as I'm not the biggest fan of a lot of the ethics behind it, excelling in high school athletics are for many the key to 1) college at all and 2) college without a mountain of debt. I won't assume your financial situation relative to his prospective admission, but insofar as he may aspire to independently and affordably make his way through college, I'd really avoid scheduling significant life events during or in proximity to what are common knowledge or easily searchable competitive events that would allow him to improve his rankings and, even better, get scouted. Ideally, probably don't schedule them during the school year at all if you can avoid it. Even if he's got training camp, there's typically going to be enough time in the summer to traverse.

    I don't say it to pull the legs off a spider. There's nothing either of you can do about it now, and I'll definitely echo the others commending his decision. I think anyone would be proud. He may very well have other opportunities. And really, assuming he indeed would be destined to fill out a FASFA and apply for grants just like everyone else, it'd probably be easier for him to look back and chalk it up to never knowing on account of making the right decision to be there for his mother than if he were to get bested in front of a crowd during regionals. Guess my biggest takeaways would be:

    1. Realize what you no longer have control over and forgive yourself.
    2. Enjoy your wedding
    3. Give the bartender a nod just once when your son goes up for a soda refill (Obviously, I'm kidding... kinda)
    4. Just be a bit more cognizant of the very general seasonal structure of commitments he's passionate about and which could have a very tangible impact on his future

    Again not being an ass just for the sake of it. Just a bit believer in not leaving a lesson to waste if there's one to be learned. Sincere congrats on both your upcoming wedding and, at least by this account, having raised a very fine young man.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    To be honest, it would be tough to be in your shoes as a mom and to know that you child had to sacrifice like this.
    I mean, a wedding is one day,...what are the chances of it being RIGHT when your child had something really important on that day too?

    I think any mother would feel guilt...how could you not?

    But yes, in the future, if at all possible, try to check all dates BEFORE setting a final date, to make sure it works for everyone. It's a harsh lesson but hopefully one that won't be forgotten.

    Your son does sound very selfless. It's a admirable trait.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sorry but I have to echo Jman here. Unless you have the means to fund his college, this is a terrible decision on his part. You don't get cookies in college admissions because you chose mommy over competing in athletics, especially senior year. That's a different kind of a life lesson and one he needs to understand.

    Also, not sure from your post whether you really feel bad or are just bragging. Your wedding is just a party. His college admissions have life long consequences. Be a better parent and tell him to compete. I also find it difficult to believe that you just had no idea his competitive schedule would conflict like that. Competitions like that tend to be scheduled over the same week/weekend year after year. Exact date might vary some but overall, if you are as involved as you claim, you should have known better.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Is it possible for him to reverse this decision?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It was his choice and decision. Your baby boy is a man now, redsox22. Even though you feel sad about his sacrifice, be proud of him the boy you raised to become A MAN. He sounds mature beyond his years, very selfless, empathetic and I say to you from one mother to another mother, "Job well done."

    With your son's incredibly high character and morals firmly established thanks to YOU, rest assured that he will continue to thrive in his own right. He's an upstanding man who will succeed on his own in this world.

    Transform your sadness into motherly pride and your son possessing something rare called integrity.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Is it possible for him to reverse this decision?
    I wonder that too.

    Maybe it's just how I was raised and my experiences, but life gives enough challenges that can call for genuine sacrifice for your family. Weddings aren't one of them. My mom would have been annoyed at me if I tried to use wedding plans as an excuse to throw away years of hard work and an opportunity earned from that. It's a wedding, not someone struggling for their life or a real emergency.

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