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Thread: Child sacrificing for this mother

  1. #11
    Bronze Member redsox22's Avatar
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    Thank you to all who have replied. I appreciate all the viewpoints.

    To clarify a few things: a college scholarship or acceptance into college is not on the line. There is nothing after States. Itís just the satisfaction of making it that far.

    This is the first year he has qualified for post season tournaments and to be honest it was not on my radar when we set the date because he never made it this far before. The strides he has made this season as a result of his hard work have been amazing. Should I have thought about the possibility of him going this far, maybe, probably. But it wasnít on my radar until the season started this winter and he started to really shine. By then it was too late.

    I have told him he should not sacrifice for me. I have told him he should go to the tournaments.

    He told me he has decided. He says he wants to put family and the wedding first.

  2. #12
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by redsox22
    Thank you to all who have replied. I appreciate all the viewpoints.

    To clarify a few things: a college scholarship or acceptance into college is not on the line. There is nothing after States. Itís just the satisfaction of making it that far.

    This is the first year he has qualified for post season tournaments and to be honest it was not on my radar when we set the date because he never made it this far before. The strides he has made this season as a result of his hard work have been amazing. Should I have thought about the possibility of him going this far, maybe, probably. But it wasnít on my radar until the season started this winter and he started to really shine. By then it was too late.

    I have told him he should not sacrifice for me. I have told him he should go to the tournaments.

    He told me he has decided. He says he wants to put family and the wedding first.
    I think he made the right decision.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by redsox22
    Thank you to all who have replied. I appreciate all the viewpoints.

    To clarify a few things: a college scholarship or acceptance into college is not on the line. There is nothing after States. Itís just the satisfaction of making it that far.

    This is the first year he has qualified for post season tournaments and to be honest it was not on my radar when we set the date because he never made it this far before. The strides he has made this season as a result of his hard work have been amazing. Should I have thought about the possibility of him going this far, maybe, probably. But it wasnít on my radar until the season started this winter and he started to really shine. By then it was too late.

    I have told him he should not sacrifice for me. I have told him he should go to the tournaments.

    He told me he has decided. He says he wants to put family and the wedding first.
    If you think universities aren't sending their scouts to State competitions, that's insane. Even regionals. It is most definitely not just satisfaction to be earned. Especially if he were to qualify as someone who started as a sophomore, you can guarantee he'd have eyes on him.

    And to add:

    He is has been on the wrestling team for the past 3 years, starting as a sophomore. He is very athletic and when he sets his mind to something he is very determined. He has worked hard over the last 3 years to really make a name for himself
    I mean, I can [maybe?] fathom if, being real with yourself, you and the whole neighborhood knew your kid is just a crap wrestler. But not even entertaining the idea your own progeny who you claim is very athletic, determined, and has worked hard these past three years might progress to States or even just initial county-level qualifying is truly baffling to me. Like are you watching him go through all this and just thinking, "that's adorable?" You don't have to be one of those parents who vicariously and abusively pushes their kid in excess to be happily prepared should he excel. "This is the regular season and this is when qualifying tournaments are afterward" really isn't a whole lot to factor in when making something like wedding plans.

    While we're all here calling him a great young man, he isn't a man. He's a son and teenage dependent; definitely not nearly as capable of responsible decision making as we're ceremoniously giving him credit for. You can't force him onto the bus, but I certainly hope you went far beyond "you shouldn't do this" and both expressly and assertively emphasized how much more it would mean to you personally for him to participate in the competition than for him to give up the opportunity. And that's at the bare minimum. Whether we colloquially refer to him as a man or not, he still needed and needs a parent and a leader more than a bunch of anonymous admirers on a forum. His decision is heart-warming on its face, but at the end of the day, it's still a child needlessly sacrificing well beyond what should be expected and what's needed. It brings a tear to our eye now, but we'll just as readily be ****ting on him in a couple years when his girlfriend's here posting about how much of a self-sacrificing momma's boy he is.

    Again, I'm not trying to proverbially curb stomp anyone. If it's done, it's done. I just really hope you take in the significance and use the lesson as motivation to truly invest effort, interest, and especially hope in his passion and goals. Bottom line is this is a decision he shouldn't have been in a position to make. But you'll have plenty more opportunity as he enters young adulthood.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member redsox22's Avatar
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    I hear you jman. He is a kid who has worked hard and done very well for himself. And I never wanted him to be in a position to have to choose something like this. He is very good and would most likely progress to States. But he is not at the level to compete in college. He knows this, his coach knows this. You can argue this point but itís pointless and not what this post is about.

    I have had several conversations with him over the past few days and he is very clear on my position of wanting him to compete. He is also very clear that he wants to go to the wedding. He told me tonight that when he looks back on this down the road he will he happy he chose to be with family and attend the wedding.

    I feel sad that I didnít plan better. I feel sad that he is in the position to sacrifice. That is why Iíve posted.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I mean, I know it sounds harsh but it's either postpone the wedding or deal with the fact that you have given him the message that your wedding is more important than the culmination of all his hard work.

  7. #16
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    Honestly, you say "he is not college level" as far as wrestling. He was going to state championship. My cousin was not a high ranking enough player when you considered kids at bigger schools to get a huge football contract at a big 10 school, but football helped him get in the door at a smaller school that he would not otherwise got into. You never know what kids get noticed.

    I do think you should have chosen another wedding date. You put him in an impossible position, actually. If he didn't go to the wedding, he may be viewed differently by his new step family and get off on the wrong foot, and also not be there for his mom, and on the other hand, how often does going to the state championship as a senior etc, happen. A kid that did that his senior even if he doesn't get on the college team looks better than the kid who slacked off his senior year.

    On the other hand, a relative's kid and husband missed a family wedding because they had a ball game. They are in 5th grade and middle school. missing one game doesn't really mean a hill of beans.

    you can't work around every guest but your parents and children should be considered.

  8. #17
    Bronze Member redsox22's Avatar
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    I didnít give him that message. He know that too.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by redsox22
    I didnít give him that message. He know that too.
    If its a small, second wedding, can you postpone it, or get married a few days earlier? have the "wedding weekend' but exchange vows before he has to travel or when he comes back or have part of the celebration happen on another day?

  10. #19
    Bronze Member redsox22's Avatar
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    Of course parents and children should be considered. As I said, it wasnít on my radar. Heíd never made it past regular season the last 2 years. Should it have been on my radar. Arguably yes. And I feel badly it wasnít. But I didnít disregard it and chose the date anyway.

    I didnít think past the regular season because thatís where it has historically ended for him and I didnít really know about post season.

    And college recruiting happens in 11th grade or earlier. Not March of senior year. It just doesnít. Were he to win the State championship maybe, but that is not likely to happen. Making it to States would the reward.


    Anyway, itís hard for me. Itís hard for him. The decision has been made by him. He made the decision on his own and spoke to his friend who he gave his spot to and his coach. He wants to stand by his decision.

    It hurts me that he had to make a choice. It hurts me that itís because of me. Iím proud of him though and I have a lot of respect for him.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by redsox22
    Of course parents and children should be considered. As I said, it wasnít on my radar. Heíd never made it past regular season the last 2 years. Should it have been on my radar. Arguably yes. And I feel badly it wasnít. But I didnít disregard it and chose the date anyway.

    I didnít think past the regular season because thatís where it has historically ended for him and I didnít really know about post season.

    And college recruiting happens in 11th grade or earlier. Not March of senior year. It just doesnít. Were he to win the State championship maybe, but that is not likely to happen. Making it to States would the reward.


    Anyway, itís hard for me. Itís hard for him. The decision has been made by him. He made the decision on his own and spoke to his friend who he gave his spot to and his coach. He wants to stand by his decision.

    It hurts me that he had to make a choice. It hurts me that itís because of me. Iím proud of him though and I have a lot of respect for him.

    Not true -- My niece is still applying to colleges for next year - there are some she applied for early, but there are others she applied late to and one that she was accepted for delayed enrollment on and i know someone who was accepted, but their acceptance was withdrawn based on how their senior year went. Actually, two people. you can still "mess up" and you can still do things -- small scholarships are still given out by civic groups, etc, and some are given out after you finish your first semester. My husband wasn't going to get to go to college or it would have meant that he worked for a few years first in hopes and a project he did his senior year caught the attention of a company that sponsored 50% of his tuition if he committed to working for them a couple years and while in school. So never write off senior year. And my cousin who was in sports got a scholarship from the area newspaper and was in contention for it as his name had been mention in different articles about team results.

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