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Thread: Emotional/sexual

  1. #1
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    Emotional/sexual

    Hi Iam new to this forum but just looking for a little advice.

    I have been in a long term relationship for 15 years we have two kids.
    My husband can be difficult at times.
    He can be very controlling however I have always stood up to him on that point and still go out with friends and family ect despite him possibly being in a huff or upset about it.
    He can also be loving but can change quickly.

    My main issue at the moment is when I am asleep I have been awoken by him trying to have sex with me or him doing foreplay on me.at the time I am half asleep so push him away or turn away and he tries again. I become really embarrassed the next day when I remember bits of it but feel to embarrassed to talk about it but it just makes me feel insecure and dirty about it. I have read online that some men enjoy this but unsure if itís right as we are in a relationship? Advice please no judgement. I also caught his camera filming me in the shower the other day and I confronted him, to which he replied I only want some nice pics.

    I feel I have no one to speak to as my friends would think Iím crazy for being in this situation. I am also embarrassed! I canít explain why I stay in the relationship but find it hard to leave. I have previously left him but he made my life very difficult and he did change his ways so I took him back.
    I also change my mind maybe Iím crazy and itís normal ect

    Thanks for listening as Iím unsure who else to talk too
    Kaylee x

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Filming you without your knowledge is predatory behaviour. You actually donít know where heís putting that. Relationship or not thatís predatory behaviour. Trying to have sex with you in your sleep is also predatory behaviour.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    You waking up to him attempting to have sex with you, to me, kinda gray, I mean... youíve been married for 15 years... what are you embarrassed about? That statement is making me curious what type of lens you are viewing the world through. Sex with a spouse of 15 years shouldnít make you feel embarrassed, chicken or egg, does he make you feel embarrassed or do you have conservative views towards sex?

    The filming without your consent, no no no no, not ok.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If he only exhibited the being in a huff about you going out with friends, I would've recommended marital counseling. The sexual things and photos should be a dealbreaker for you. I would be sickened and scared, and really worried about those horrible things progressing to even worse things.

    Start getting your ducks in a row. Get him off of any bank accounts and credit cards you've added him to. See a lawyer. Think about who will temporarily live where, whatever is in your best interest, whatever the lawyer advises. Confide in a family member, no matter how embarrassing. They need to know the egregiousness and to be aware of safety concerns after he's given divorce papers. Be strong, and be prepared to call the police if he acts crazy. This will help you to get a case against him if need be, for restraining orders and possibly supervised child custody arrangements.

    He's mentally imbalanced, so use great caution. Call an abuse hotline if you feel the need. Take care.

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  6. #5
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    Sorry I should have been more clear. I am asleep when he starts it and I wake up and he is already having sex with me or preforming foreplay so I feel confused sometimes I feel like Iím dreaming until I actually wake, then he pretend like it wasnít even happening. I have spoke to him in the past as this was something he has done previously and I told him how I felt itís not something I like when Iím still asleep, different if I am awake.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    You waking up to him attempting to have sex with you, to me, kinda gray, I mean... youíve been married for 15 years... what are you embarrassed about? That statement is making me curious what type of lens you are viewing the world through. Sex with a spouse of 15 years shouldnít make you feel embarrassed, chicken or egg, does he make you feel embarrassed or do you have conservative views towards sex?

    The filming without your consent, no no no no, not ok.
    ^This. I'm not clear from your post what is really happening here. Sounds a bit like your husband wants to have sex, tries to get you in the mood, but you aren't interested or too tired? But why are you too embarrassed to talk about your sex life with someone you've been married to for 15 years, have children with.... How is your sex life overall? Do you have regular sex or has it stopped some time ago?

    The filming/taking photos without your consent is quite frankly not only an absolute no, but criminal in some jurisdictions. That said, I'm still not clear what's really going on between you and your husband, what's going on with your sex life and your relationship and so not ready to crucify him as an evil man or scream that you must leave him. I really don't know from your post if he is just a jerk or a husband who is rejected sexually far too much and reaching too far....instead of talking or walking on you.

    Can you clarify a bit OP?

  8. #7
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    Yeah we have regular sex considering I work night shifts and he works Opposite shifts but at least once/twice a week.

    Im embarrassed that he is having sex with me whilst Iím asleep and feel a little uneasy about it. Different if we are both awake at the time.
    I find it hard to discuss as when I wake he may already be having sex with me or performing foreplay. then he quickly stops and pretends like nothing has happened.
    Overall relationship he can be very charming and loving but he will change if I say something he doesnít like or Iím texting on my phone he becomes jealous and starts questioning me about it ect.
    He has always been jealous but we have worked on that.

    He has never hit me but has pushed me in arguments.

    Iím unsure if him starting sex whilst Iím asleep is ok as we are in a relationship or should I be worried about it?

    I do love him and know relationships have ups and downs but Iím worried these are red flags and I shouldnít be pushing it under the carpet?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Yes, with the added details it's not something you can sweep under the rug and no, it's not normal behavior at all.

    How do you feel and respond when he pushes you?

  10. #9
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    It hasnít happened for a while now as last time I almost left him.
    When he has pushed me I feel very scared as it sounds silly but Iím unsure what he is capable of when angry as he is like a different person. Can be very intimidating.

  11. #10
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    Creepy, controlling, anger issues and highly disrespectful. You are in an abusive relationship.

    Time to make your move to leave.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 02-17-2020 at 12:50 PM.

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